Week 1, The Draft - Limo 6 Prospect Report

As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Tracy – SP: 308

Attraction (a): 8

So, I don't generally like to comment on these women's appearances because they are all incredibly lovely girls who occasionally make questionable choices. And I, myself, have made any number of unflattering decisions in my life without having their bone structure, commitment to the gym, and basic understanding of how to apply makeup to back it up. With all that said, however, I actually found myself a little bit disappointed with Tracy, here. Not because she's not beautiful - she is - but because she looks like a completely different woman to from the low-maintenance and somewhat sport straight-haired lass in her  bio photo. Somehow, between the promo pictures and the premier, her hair has magically grown into long, generic waves a la pretty much everyone else. This is obviously an upsetting application of extensions or she has a rare Lady Lovelilocks disorder and the growth was caused incidentally as she was teaching her students her expectations about raising hands. 

Background (B): 3
Setting aside for a moment that having your students write letters to your prospective boyfriend is perhaps not the best use of class time (or taxpayer dollars...), the letter she read was pretty adorable. Though she may need to devote some class time to studying up on noted non-cat ladies, such as Harriet Tubman, Susan B. Anthony, and Sojourner Truth. 

Domesticatability (D): 8

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 2

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Bo – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 3

On the one hand, there's something to be said for having a woman like Bo on the show who appeared confident and unconcerned despite being surrounded by exceedingly teeny women. On the other hand, did it seem to anyone else like ABC wanted a pat on the head for including someone "normal" this year?

Background (B): 1
What angers me further was that the only real screen time they gave Bo was devoted to her talkinga bout eating. The problem is not the portrayal of a health, attractive woman who regularly consumes adult-sized portions of food. But it seems that there was a subtle and pernicious message buried in that segment of, "You can't expect to look like the rest of these women if you're going to do something as misguided as eating pork and beef."

Domesticatability (D): 5

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 9
High marks, just for willing to be the token "normal" who ventured onto this show. The only small mercy is that we didn't get a weepy exit package about no one loving her curves.

"Let me just move my hair so it doesn't trap any of my devious
ideas..."

Kimberly – SP: #VALUE!

Attraction (a): 2

Until she pulled her cliffhanger stunt at the end, literally the only thing I had written down about Kimberly here was "gynecological white dress." I'm not saying Chris necessarily prefers something be left to the imagination, but he probably also doesn't like to devote time to worrying about whether the ladies he is entertaining will be able to sit without raising rather serious hygiene concerns.

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 0

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): ???
So, usually second chances tend to be reserved for former contestants we've come to know and love (or, in the case of Chris Bukowksi, have come to know and tolerate only as a lesser species characterized by sliminess limited critical thinking skills). But if you think about it, it's actually kind of surprising no one has ever pulled this move before. It's extraordinarily clear that ABC allows pretty much any activity on the show with the potential to boost ratings, so it's odd that, while many contestants didn't come her to make friends, they nearly all seems to have have come to follow hazily defined rules. The post-production team scrupulously kept Kimberly out of the "coming up" package, so I have no clue what will happen with her next week, but my best guess is that her gambit pays off in the short term and she's allowed to stay for an episode of two before Chris, yet again, works up the courage to leave her rose-less.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 5

 Kara – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0
Well, yikes, Kara. I am sure you are a lovely person, but next time you're going after a man, you might awnt to consider toning down your Eau de Desperation. Even on a show that's designed to lead to marriage, no man's ready to hear what you've named your future babies in your first ever sentence to him. 

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 10
According to Kara, she is "Just a little servant, willing to do whatever she's supposed to." Now, I'm not sure if that's a religious thing or her dated conception of her role as a "little wife," but I do wish Kara hadn't been told she was "supposed to" make half the country feel very uncomfortable on National TV. 

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 9
Desperation begat craziness which begat the gender politics of Henry XIII...or perhaps vice versa.

Jade – SP: 1120

Attraction (a): 10
Jade might have been slotted into a rough spot as the evening's closer, but that, in no way, tempered the effect she had on Chris. Jade earned a "You're kidding me right now" and a whole lot of extraneous touching, and that was only after Chris regained the power of speech after letting out an involuntary gasp and getting totally tongue-tied.

Might be a sign of how looped I am from
writing 30 of these that I'm starting to think
the Coug here, might actually look kind
of like Jade...

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 8
She's definitely working the small town charm angle with the adorable parking in LA story. She and Chris can talk about country duets all they want, but it's pretty clear that a little John Cougar Mellencamp would be the most appropriate Karaoke song of choice.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 8
Jade has the potential to go the distance, that is, if she doesn't get out sweet-ed and out tragedy-ed by Kelsey and the other doe-eyed beauties.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Week 1, The Draft - Limo 5 Prospect Report

As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Alissa – SP: 19.25

Attraction (a): 1
For whatever reason, I'm just not really feeling Alissa. Maybe it was her terrible, pre-taped flight attendant shtick (although that kind of poorly conceived tripe worked for Andi...) or the whole seatbelt hug con. And I can't help feeling like Chris isn't really all that into her either. I mean, she made it through, but Chris comment for Alissa was "lady in a red dress!" Especially given how wildly complimentary he was of everyone else, this seems like the equivalent of saying "you're wearing pants!" after someone has just asked you how they look. 

Background (B): 6

We know she's a flight attendant with no qualms about violating FAA regulations, so I assume she works for Southwest.

Domesticatability (D): 5

She's gotta fly, man. She's gotta be free. No one can keep her on the ground. Or maybe sh'es just been doing the job to try and find a first class husband. Who's to say. 

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Jordan – SP: 40

Attraction (a): 5
Honestly, I don't care about Jordan's entrance and the travel whiskey. I don't care that she both called all the other women bitches and compared them to presents for Chris. All I care about is that she tripped during the rose ceremony. And I will love her forever for it. 

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 1

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 2

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 4

It probably won't wind up mattering, but her early commentary leads me to suspect that Jordan might not be here to make friends. At least I can hope. 

Nicole - SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0
Every year, there's at least one girl whose opening gambit totally fails. And this year, it was Nicole. Nicole is actually a super pretty girl, but it seems like Chris couldn't fully get past the image of her with the nose. And also...Brittany and Carly should feel terrible about not trying to dissuade her from what was clearly a pretty crucial mistake. 

Background (B): 0 

Domesticatability (D): 8
She loves pigs; she knows at least one of the sounds essentially to singing old MacDonald. Sign this woman up for motherhood on a farm! 

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 3

What confuses me most about Nicole, what really makes me doubt her sanity is that she went to all the trouble of coming up with this whole pig bit, and then she didn't even make the connection to the whole Chris owning a farm thing. I suppose that it's possible that she got flustered in the moment, or maybe she was effected by the sudden loss of oxygen flowing to her nose, but this seems like a pretty major opportunity lost even if he really just mostly farms corn. 

Brittany – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 10

Though he acted like it was a zero, I just don't have enough faith in Chris (or indeed, his gender) to believe he didn't feel any stirrings in his nether regions when Brittany showed up pretty much wearing lingerie.

Background (B): 6
 And these stirrings had to have been compounded when he found out Brittany was from the WWE. After all, he is from the Midwest, and out kind once elected a former WWE wrestler to the highest office in our land....twice.

Domesticatability (D): 0
Especially if domestic  bliss is measured in number of unbroken chairs.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 7
It would have been higher, but does anyone else think she was planning to do a whole wrestling round placard bit with her #soulesmate sign and sorta chickened out? This not only suggests a modicum of rationality but also an indication that she might not be ready fort he other reality show in the WWE.

Carly – SP: 262.5

Attraction (a): 5

Background (B): 5
Sure, we got a little schpiel about how Carly's a cruise ship singer, but what really interests me is the hardships she endured before that. After coming of age as heir to the throne of a peaceable and disproportionately treetop nation, she was captured by an aggressively stompy turtle-dragon and forced to watch as her father was transformed into all manner of animals and her land overrun with angry flying turtles and mushrooms with feet. 

Domesticatability (D): 5
Though her hands have never known manual labor, the care with which she treats her toadstool citizens is unparalleled.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3
Though fingers crossed, her early departure will be precipitated by Chris learning of her mustachioed plumber boyfriend back home.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Unless she's not actually Princess Peach, in which case, I have no clue.  

Week 1, The Draft - Limo 4 Prospect Report

As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

The woman on the right is a
vision of the future!

Samantha – SP: 131.25

Attraction (a): 5 
Well, it gets a little rough from here on out. Not only did Chris get less time with these late arrivals (which...with all of the kvetching from the first three limos about them having the nerve to show up, I can't believe none of them were complaining about spending three hours less in Chris' company. When they lose a competitive parcheesi tournament in a few episodes, this same indignity will literally cause tears), but I also feel like I have only an average of 7 words written about each of these women (half of which are "what?!? why?!?). But Samantha seems to have done alright despite the fact that her whole intro was soundtrack by that others' ridiculous laments.

Background (B): 0
Also zero for her middle and foregrounds.

Domesticatability (D): 5

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Though my aforementioned brunette blindness makes my prediction for Jamanthley here more than a little suspect.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Michelle – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 8
Michelle started off well. She earned a "gorgeous" and quickly matched it by calling Chris a babe, which was rather adorable. But somewhere along the way, things went off the rail for her, and I think I can probably guess where...

Background (B): 8

You could practically see Chris doing the backwards math in his head when she mentioned she had two school-aged kids. The real question here is what this means for Mackenzie who chose to play things just a little bit closer to the vest on night one. 

Domesticatability (D): 8
Chris is problem is just that it seems another man already put this into effect.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 0

Juelia – SP: 35

Attraction (a): 5

"Come on in, Girls of Limo 4. I promise my cooler is much
more comfortable than it looks..."
- Reegan

Seriously, this was the transition limo. It's like they put all the dead weight in here so that they could focus on the irrational anger of the other girls (except for, I expect Reegan, who was simply excited by all the dead weight as she saw a possible spike in cadaver tissue sales). I remember Juelia because she spurs a similar rage in me when I think about the unnecessary spelling of her name, but I cannot tell you a thing about her other than that.

Background (B): 0
 See...not a thing about her!

Domesticatability (D): 2

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 2

She's in enough of the "Coming Up" scenes that I imagine she'll at least get to go on one or two group dates, but I don't imagine she'll be allowed to actually talk.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Becca – SP: 262.5

Attraction (a): 10

Though I'm not entirely convinced that Chris even really saw her face, so taken was he with the sparkly-ness of her dress. If any of the other girls were taking notes as details as mine, then I am sure we will see them use this technique to ensorcell him in subsequent episodes.  

Background (B): 5
For some reason, for Becca, I inexplicably just wrote "squeaky." And really, what else could we possibly need to know?

Domesticatability (D): 0

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Gun to my head (which, if my life ever comes to that, I imagine devoting multiple hours to ranking women's craziness will be to blame), if I had to pick someone in this limo, I think Becca would be the one to take.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Tandra – SP: 31.5

Attraction (a): 3

So, I obviously have lost the ability to be objective with Tandra, here because I have a crush on how pretty and normal she is. I still have enough perspective, however, to see that Chris was probably more attracted to her bike.

Background (B): 1

Ostensibly she has a job that pays well enough to allow her to purchase a bike...

Domesticatability (D): 5

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Unless any of you remember a news report from 4 or 5 months ago where a woman in LA was forcing cars off the highway because they were looking at her funny, I think we're good here.