Day 4, The Jobs

Finding out what career paths might allow me to someday take off three months of time when I eventually star on my own reality show about women who write Chris Harrison fan-fiction (I, of course, will be the one who is there for the wrong reasons, casting him not as Christian Gray from 50 Shades of Gray, or that Twilight vampire whose name I'm unwilling to look up [yes, I realize I just said the same thing twice], or gay harry Potter, but as Faust or, if I'm feeling particularly punitive, Jar Jar Binks) is my favorite part of any pre-season and this year certainly didn't disappoint. I suppose the real shock this year is that so many of them have jobs given that this crop of contestants is incredibly young and, you know, the economy! But jobs they (mostly) have, so let's take a closer look.

The Typical:
In addition to salesy, designy, real estatey type jobs that I promptly forget upon reading (but that seem particularly primed for a future reality career), there are also the old favorites that crop up year after year. We have the Kindergarten teacher, the Lawyer who's going to question what she's doing there if she's so much smarter than everyone else, the esthetician.

The Ones I Can't Make Fun Of:
Adding to my to do list to double check which girl is the war veteran before I write something truly regrettable.

The Ones Who Would Make Winnie Cooper Proud:
This year features an accountant, a math teacher, and a mathematician, and while none of those would necessarily be notable on their own, is it possible that, in his early interviews with his team, Ben said "I don't really have a type, and of course I don't have any strong preferences when it comes to race. Why would you even ask that? But....do you think it's possible we could get a few girls who have memorized at least the first, say, forty or so digits of pi?"

The Ridiculous:
It happens every year. Girls who don't have jobs or who just don't want to write "waitress" or, you know, "esthetician" take some ridiculous personal attribute or "fun fact" they usually trot out for two truths and a lie and pretend that someone somehow pays them for it. So to the "Twins" I say, that is genetics. No one is pretending "Detached earlobe haver" is a career. To the "Cowgirl" I say, going out to a bar wearing a cowboy hat, jean skirt mini, and boots is not an actual job unless you're also pimping, like, rattle-spur moonshine or working the mechanical bull. And to the "Chicken Enthusiast" I say...stop with the enthusiast thing already! Liking something is not an actual job! Also, it's ambiguous...are we talking free range mama hen or more of the cordon bleu variety. Be more specific with your stupidity!

The Hero:
Okay, it's obviously the war veteran again. Or maybe the small business owner if you're running for things. But there's also something to be said for the woman who simply and honestly listed herself as "unemployed." Perhaps she can start a mentoring program for any woman who hangs around past week two. It seems certain they will need your tutelage.

Day 5, Caila

So....on the one hand, Caila tells us "I meet guys in the city...at Starbucks...on airplanes. I'm one of those rare people that believes in fate...and always tries to be present." Which necessitates an update to our favorite rule "If you have to say it about yourself then it probably isn't true." If you have to say it about yourself and you claim that it is rare than it is probably more true about the millions of people who watch Lifetime Christmas movies every year than it is about yourself.

But on the other hand...there's something a little bit endearing about the fact that Caila is "...One of those rare people that believes in fate...and maybe some ice cream." Let yourself believe, Caila! Dare to dream!

Day 6, Jackie

At first, I thought there wasn't much to her. Just another girl who thinks marriage is all about sacrifice...you know, at least after you win it on national television. But then, I read about her perfect date, and I realized Jackie was more than just another girl. She was the girl that was going to teach me to emphasize again.

Because as I read about her date: "A fun, exciting new adventure followed by a romantic picnic and good conversation," I thought, as a so often do, "Man, this is boring." Adventure - boring (unless it has an element of "choosing your own" and/or it makes you face a crushing and paralyzing fear that will result in tears. Because who doesn't want to cry on a first date). Romantic picnic - boring (well, at least as boring as any other meal plagued by insects, the elements, and seating with no back support....did I mention I'm quite pregnant?). Good conversation - you would think by the very definition of "good" not boring, but I've seen how these girls work...and I think we can safely say boring (talk of your parents lifelong romance, how many babies you want to pop out, some sort of carefully calibrated, not too off-putting childhood trauma....you know, typical picnic chat).

But the I read the final sentence: "Then maybe some ice cream" and suddenly I didn't hate her anymore! Suddenly, I thought, yeah! Jackie is my sort of girl! And I quickly saw that, just like the whole "in bed" fortune cookie trick, adding "And then maybe some ice cream" makes my like everything about these girls much, much better. For example, even just looking at Jackie:

What would Jackie do to impress a man? "I would do something really thoughtful for him like create a piece of art or some sort of craft."

What? No, Jackie! Men are impressed by the rote memorization of football stats. A hand embroidered Christmas tree ornament isn't going to do the job! It's going to leave him hiding said ornament from friends, or awkwardly looking for flattering synonyms for lumpy! Which is not the same as impressed!

But if we re-read the line as "I would do something really thoughtful for him like create a piece of art or some sort of craft. And then maybe some ice cream." I think, yeah, okay. That would probably work. What man isn't impressed by a girl who knows where her local ice cream shop is at (and can quote him some football stats while they drive over).

Similarly. If you ask Jackie what marriage means to her, you get the pretty standard fare: "Marriage means committing fully to your best friend and promising to love that person for all eternity and to make all sacrifices necessary to cherish and respect that love." Which...ugh...it's a wonder that anyone ever gets married! That sounds so hard...and boring.

But if we add...."Marriage means blah blah blah committing...blah blah blah eternity...blah blah blah sacrificial offerings...blah blah blah cherish by keeping a lock of hair under your pillow on which to perform regular rituals...blah blah blah I may not be quoting verbatim....And then maybe some ice cream." Yes! I want that! I'm in! (My only requirements when looking for a man to marry were: Taller than me, and not lactose intolerant. It's going pretty good so far).

Even when we look at a less positive usage of the favorite creamy treat, it still works! For example, when asked about her biggest regret, Jackie said "I never regret anything." Which obviously elicits yet another ugh. Because really? Never?  Either you're obscenely gifted at making decisions (and you being on this show is an aberration in your otherwise speeding ticket-, unnecessary fourth glass of wine-, fourth grade home perm-free life) or you just have a really skewed sense of your own merits (or, I suppose, as a third alternative, you are a lying-faced liar).

But if we add: "I never regret anything....maybe some ice cream" suddenly, this is a girl I want to get to know! Are her regrets when she orders and then sees one of her friends with an even more appealing flavor? Or when she gets a super jumbo when probably the plain old regular jumbo would have sufficed. Or when she gets a regular jumbo and spends the whole time feeling that the end is too imminent, that our mortality is as fleeting as the delicious frozen sugar in her all too small bowl. Because, yes to all of those things. I have been there. And I like it. Just like I suddenly like Jackie! As if by magic, my emotions are transformed!

Day 7, The Crazy Eyes

Okay, so after two strong years of picking out AshLee and Claire, I admit that last year, my methods failed me. (And by methods, I mean, casually scrutinizing the full page of bio photos, then taking a quick nap to see which of those photos came to life in my nightmares, attacking me with the animated feather-duster from Beauty and the Beast and/or tropical fruit). But I will not be deterred. Because making senseless predictions is pretty much the entire basis of both this blog and this league, and as commissioner, I feel it is my duty to set an example! So here, in order of "her contacts might just be messed up" to "no, that lady literally stole the eyes from an illegally poached tiger so she could stare at us all in a more menacing way," I give you my candidates for most crazy-eyed this year:

Honorable Mention: Amanda

I feel a little bit bad about this one. Amanda has kids and is probably a nice lady who's just trying to make it after life (and love) let her down. She's got a real job, and clearly finds time to work out and shape her eyebrows and whatnot, and who am I to make fun! But...there's also just a hint of the murdery, lurking beneath those carefully sculpted brows and a full-on admission of a desire to go full-on Jolie with a  questionably sane baby-adopting binge. Also...anyone who advocates both the protective balm of sunscreen and the actual poison of botox in the same sentence probably doesn't have logic fully on her side. 

Runner-Up: Haley

They look totally identical. But Emily's the "Outgoing Twin," and Haley is the "Most Likely to Save Your Fingernail Clippings to Use in her Vision Collage Twin." I could definitely be way off on this one, as Haley claims that the most outrageous thing about her is that she works in a bar but doesn't actually party or drink, but...her favorite movie is also We Bought a Zoo, and there is nothing mentally stable about that!

Front-Runner: Olivia

We've already talked a little bit about Olivia's intensity and the scary win-at-all-costs mentality that seems to be lurking behind her smile. But in case her ambition isn't enough, we'e also got her deepest darkest fear: "I don't fear much except ending up along. I've been on my own so much and I'm so independent. I would hate to wake up one day with everything I've worked so hard for but there's no one in bed next to me." Which makes total sense. Because she is 23. And in her single year of independence since college, she's been able to cultivate not just a successful news anchor career, but also a very appealing sense of desperation which I, for one, can't wait to see on screen!

Day 8, Tiara

Otherwise known as..."Fighting to Tamp Down my Inner Grammar Nerd, Totally Failing, and then Feeling like I Should Probably Start to at least Spell Check the Blog or Write Fewer Run-On Sentences or Something." But....Tiara describes marriage as "Till death do we part. End of story." And while, if I were Ben, I might be vaguely concerned that marriage to Tiara might mean imminent death at the beaks of Tiara's hundreds of chickens (more on that later), I am primarily concerned with why Tiara thinks that being married means separation from her loved one until death. 

Day 9, Isabel "Izzy"

I will watch the Hell out of her as a contestants (because when have my standards ever been particularly high), but I would never hire her. Because according to Izzy, her favorite books is the first 150 pages of Shades of Grey. And while I could make judgmental comments about a graphic designer who simply imitates the work of similarly untalented designers, or copies competitor's add campaigns, while adding an element of BDSM, I think we what we all want are graphic designers that only read half of the copy text we provide them before just giving up. Because who doesn't take the opportunity to make their marketing materials and website text into a movie!

Day 10, Lauren H.

Ordinarily, by this point in the countdown, I'm feeling a little fatigued. I'm pouring through substance-less bios for the 43rd time, desperately looking for misplaced commas and/or a reference to a tattoo of Alan Rickman that I inexplicably missed on Rounds 1-42. And nobody wants that! Especially on Christmas.

But Lauren H....oh Lauren H....she has it all!

To start with, she's 25 and single. I'm going to write that again for emphasis, in case you didn't fully appreciate its dire-ness the first time through. She is 25 and single. But at least she isn't 30 yet, because, in the measured and cleverly crafted words of Lauren herself: "Ah, [in 5 years] I'll be 30! FML." (Naturally, I'm 31 and so was initially utterly baffled by her tricky, tricky code. What reaction could she possibly be having to someday reaching the advanced age of 30? What could FML mean? "Finding myself lucky?" "Finally making logical choices?" "Friday Monkey Linoleum?" But I googled it...and it sadly turns out to mean none of those things).

Not only has she reached the age of desperation, but she's not afraid to show it. Because apparently she has an entire pinterest board of wedding stuff. (Again, I took to google...with the help of a much younger friend, and it turns out that pinterest is some sort of virtual dream board/acceptable form of adult collage. I somehow failed to utilize this avenue for my actual wedding, but I guess I was 27 when I got married....too old for dreams).

Finally, as if all of this wasn't enough to prompt a mid-season snap when Ben had the audacity to take a 32 year old (with children! Gross!) on a date, Lauren H. seems to be a creepily un-self-aware Bachelor superfan. She admits to wanting to be Chris Harrison (I just typed Christ Harrison...given the holiday, that feels right); she says if she could go anywhere, it would be California because that's where the Bachelor mansion is; and she says she mostly meets men through television shows. She is definitely half-kidding about some, if not all of these things, but....I think we all know it's that other half that really counts!

Day 11, The Names

After a few years of some pretty normal and uninspiring monikers, we've finally hit pay dirt this year! The producers have finally remembered that their job is not just to select a range of personalities who will generate conflict as well as a sort of semi-permanent, at least partially lust-fueled version of love. But to select a range of personalities who will generate conflict as well as a sort of semi-permanent, at least partially lust-fueled version of love while laboring under ridiculous names. This year, they haven't held back, going for all of their greatest hits, including:

Women with the Same Name:
This year, I think they've set a record with four Laurens including two Lauren Bs. Naturally, the producers understood that their audience was primarily made up of mature adults who would understand that sometimes people have the same name, so they responded in the only natural way. By forcing one of the two Laurens to pretend she goes by "LB." This is sure to make for some rose ceremony fun!

Yes...I think this is officially the saddest blog photo
that I have ever googled. Merry Christmas
everyone!

Women who Dot the "i's" in their Names with Hearts:
I cannot offer any concrete evidence to support this. But when you go by "Jami" or "Mandi" it seems like you're pretty much asking for it.

Women who Misspell their Names, ostensibly solely for the Sake of Being Different:
So, I know I did a whole think about how I was okay with Maegan spelling her name in a different way than the traditional, correct spelling, but....I'm pretty sure those of you who have been following the blog for the past few years new it was a vicious, vicious lie. And I'm none too pleased with Caila either!

Women whose Parents Seemed to have Wanted them To Grow up to Be Strippers:
It's possible arguments could be made for the parental intentions of Amber and Tiara, but...Jubliee? Lace? Did Santa also bring them some tassles and a pole when they had been very good?

Women who Prefer Nicknames:
In contrast to "LB," I imagine Joelle actually encourages people to call her JoJo. It is encouragement that I hope people will not take.

Women who will Start a Fight Merely by Having Someone Else say their Name:
Shushanna just sets the room up for a hostile "Did you just shush me?" moment. Her parents basically might have named her "Are-you-calling-me-a-bitch-anna."

Day 12, Olivia

There's something vaguely predatory about Olivia's smile, and, while I don't typically like to judge based on appearances (you know, at least not aloud), her profile backs me up.

Because even her most embarrassing moment is vaguely competitive. Olivia admits that not much embarrasses her, but then qualifies with "Maybe the time I set the record for time spent stuck in an elevator my freshman year of college." Which...first of all...is getting stuck in an elevator really that embarrassing? Unless you somehow accidentally pressed a button that said "Don't Press Me or You Will Get Stuck" instead of the one for "Lobby" or were stuck in there for a long time and went a little Lord of the Flies, you're basically just telling us about a time where something happened to you that sort of sucked and you continued to be in a normal state of non-embarrassed. But second of all, who works a brag into an embarrassing moment? Why did it have to be a record? Couldn't it have just been a lengthy stay in a vertically mobile box? Does someone at your college actually chart records for those sorts of things? And do they get course credit for it? And do we think Olivia herself was the person that did that job and she now holds all sorts of inane college records? All I can say is, I'd really like to see her resume because I envision she has some truly amazing "special skills."

Day 13, Breanne

If Breanne's profile is an accurate predictor of her performance, then I seriously hope the producers keep her around for a long time (and if it is an accurate, please note that I do believe producer intervention will be required. Because Ben is boring enough not to love the crazy).

I love Breanne's body of work so much that rather than scrambling to find one moderately interesting thing to say about her, I have compiled an entire list of reasons I find her profile to be of note. So here, in order of, "Well, a lot of Bachelor Contestants probably watch Top Model" to "Holy Wow, this girl is Crazy" I give you Breanne:

5) She references a Tyra Banks-ism. And while "smizing" isn't one of Ty-Ty's most insane concepts (Because that award goes to Modelland, her dystopian young adult novel, in which a character literally has roller skates for feet and knives for breasts), anyone who makes a point of citing her is sure to have packed a jumpsuit for each rose ceremony or have a half-baked British accent locked and loaded for her first one-on-one date or sneaking into a fellow contestants room in the middle of the night to shave off half of her hair and dye the remainder purple. And that's a contestant I want to see.

4) If Breanne was a vegetable, she would be a "Carrot! Sweet and Sassy." Also, it seems likely Breanne has never actually eaten a carrot or, if so, has some sort of disorder which makes it difficult for her to process flavors.

3) Breanne claims her favorite book is "Why Men Love Bitches." Because she thinks "...the title is hilarious, but it's all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you." I suspect it's really all about feeling slightly less bad about the mean-spirited decisions that you make. I also suspect it would recommend against coming on this show....

2) Breanne's final answer deals with what she hopes to get out of this show. She says "I want to find the love of my life and be role models together for what true love is. I want to show America that anything is possible and God will give you the desires of your heart. #powercouple - Yes I hastagged that ;)" Clearly, I need two bullets to process this...and that's only because I'm not touching on the whole God thing.  First of all...she hashtagged her own answer....and then acknowledged that fact by emoticon'ing her own hashtag. I cannot.

1) Secondly, I would never claim to be a role model for what true love is...mostly because I would not claim to be a role model for anything aside from eating Reese's Peanut Butter Trees for breakfast (I obviously dominate that). But if one were to claim role model status, I suspect that that person a) would not have met their intended online, b) would not use their relationship as springboard to other, classier programs like Marriage Bootcamp: Reality Stars (ahem, Sean and Catherine), and c) would not HASHTAG themselves as a POWERCOUPLE. Or perhaps I'm confusing being a role model for true love with being a role model for living your life with a shred of common sense. And perhaps that's exactly why no one wants to emulate me. #Logicisforlosers Frowny Face Emoticon with a Tear.

Day 14, The Inane Conversations

To prepare us, ABC's crack team decided to make us read each and every contestant's answer to the question "Do you prefer hot or cold weather?" Maybe it will soon emerge that temperature preference is of the utmost importance to Ben, but...I'm not even convinced it's possible to answer that question in an interesting way. (Okay, it's clearly possible..."Cold because it keeps the bodies better preserved" and "Hot because it means more patrons for my ice cream truck business" both come to mind, but..,it's certainly not probable). 

My ice cream truck business where I keep the bodies....

The only possible justification is that they are attempting to re-invigorate us to sit through dozens of conversations that start with "how do you know you're ready to find love" or "where do you see yourself in five years" or "I love your blue eyes. Oh, they're green? I thought they were blue" and they know they only hurt themselves if our standards are raised.

Day 15, Jennifer

According to Jennifer, if she could be any animal, she would be a dolphin because "they are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure." On a related note, humans are apparently the only mammal who try to appear sexy by inadvertently describing the lack of pleasure they take in sex.

Day 16, Maegan

So...my initial instinct was to criticize Maegan for the horrible misspelling of what is the most perfect of names, but....then I read her profile...and now I think that it's probably for the best that she and I don't share a name. Because we certainly don't share anything else!

For example, Maegan, hails from Texas and is a self-described cowgirl and literally punctuates her profile with the colloquialism "Shoot-" . I hail from Minnesota, which might as well be Canada, and as a result am often criticized for pronouncing words like "about" so that they rhyme with "shoot."

Maegan has a pet mini horse, whereas I...don't even have a way to end this sentence that comes close to rivaling a mini horse.

Maegan claims that when she approaches guys "ass grabbing always works great!" Whereas I prefer to reserve my ass grabbing for business meetings.

And I guess, since Maegan does mention snake-murdering in her profile, it probably makes sense that she gets the more Irish of the spellings. St. Patrick would be proud. And then, I imagine, probably ashamed at the sparkly green booty shorts Maegan once wore in his honor. And then proud again because she was wearing them with her mini horse.

Day 17, The Return of the Old Favorites

And by old favorites, I of course mean, former contestants about whom my apathy knows no bounds. Though I am sure the two women are equally certain that they are destined to end up with Ben, in nearly every other way, they couldn't be more different. Amber carries an air of desperation, while Becca gives off the icy chill of a someone who might not be fully open to finding true love on reality TV (I know. The bitch!). I imagine one of them will do quite well, and I imagine it will probably be Becca because could there possibly be a less subtle juxtaposition of a series of fantasy suite dates featuring a virgin and twins!?!?  Of course...it's possible that's just bitterness talking...I wasn't thrilled to find out that I actually sort of remembered their cast bios from their season with Chris.

Day 18, Lauren R.

Because if I could eat dinner with any three people, I too would choose "Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake." Not because it's a combination I EVER would have thought of, but because, well...it's been to be an interesting meal. Unlike Lauren R., however, I'd probably opt for a salad rather than a pizza. Not because I'd want the salad, but because I think we all know Michelangelo would drone on about how it wasn't real Italian pizza, Justin Timberlake would be grossed out by all the grease I got all over my face, and Jesus...well, that guy would just generally judge.

Day 19, Lace

Lace doesn't like it when men are too into themselves...ostensibly because then they aren't as interested in discussing her lifelong dream of being "herself...only richer! :)"

Day 20, Shushanna

If Shushanna's bio is anything to go off of, she's going to dominate this show. She cites favorite movies that are action packed and masculine, but also have a broader critical appeal. She talks about past relationships while giving herself subtle excuses not to take responsibility for the breakups. She hints at skepticism about the show and her shaken faith in love, about hopes, about loss. She even manages to slip in she's a good cook without sounding too braggy (which...I feel like the question "How good a cook are you?" is new this year in addition to being terribly phrased. Do we think Ben specially requested its inclusion? Do we think he's been subsisting on Kraft Dinner for the past 5 years?)

Her profile is good, but...is it possible that it might be a little too good? After a year in which daily fantasy leagues like Draft Kings and Fan Duel were plagued with scandal (it's obviously only a matter of time before they expand into the reality TV market), can we be sure that she didn't craft her answers using a complex statistical model designed to maximize her appeal? She is a mathematician, and I think we all know the motives of smart people can't be trusted when it comes to these types of shows.

Day 21, Curling Iron Sword Play

Okay, so we probably shouldn't get our hopes up for the first ever Bachelor swashbuckling, but...it looks like there's maybe one girl who's rocking straight hair. One can only hope we're at least in for some 300° sabotage...or that someone comes up with a way to make blown fuses into interesting TV.

Day 22, Haley

Whereas Haley...is the twin who...likes to take photos standing further away from the camera....?

Like her sister, she too seems to be utterly devoid of an appropriate sense of irony. She claims she would like to spend the day as "Taylor Swift because she's a classy gal" but also lists her greatest accomplishment as "making it to the semi-finals of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader auditions." Come on, Haley. I think we all know Taylor Swift would want you to reach higher than that.

Day 23, Emily

So, since I started off my first post by reducing them to a single unit, it seems only fair that I next take a look at the individual twins. I make no promise to do this for the rest of the season, especially as I suspect ABC will spend the bulk of Night 1 trying to make clear to us which one's the "sassy one" and who's the "hopeless romantic."

Of course, Emily, here is making that rather hard to do as when asked who she would like to be for a day, she says she'd like to be her sister to "see if she thinks exactly like me or to see how different we really are." Which I guess means....she's the twin that doesn't know how the whole Freaky Friday thing works!

She also seems to be the twin who is not ready for marriage. Because she describes the matrimonial state as "committed and ready to start a stable family and set a good example for your children," which is all well and good until you notice that she has also listed her occupation as "twin."

Day 24, The Beginning of the End

I know I've probably foretold of the Bachelapocalypse a time or too before, and Chris Harrison has yet to have been struck down with a meteor. So perhaps I'm not exactly a reality TV Nostradamus. Heck, I probably don't even qualify as a dating show Heaven's Gate (which is lucky for all of you as I shall be sending each of you Koolaid for Christmas this year). But what I can say with confidence is that...this year...features Twins.

I can only imagine the ABC team is attempting to trade on the somewhat debatable success of Lauren does set us up for the most scandalous fantasy suite in show history but...is there any part of the audience demographic that actually wants to see that? Perhaps, after Kaitlyn's season, they just feel like they need to restore a degree of authenticity to final show platitude "I can't believe I've fallen in love with two women at the same time."
and Ashley I's stint in paradise by giving us a team of genetic mutants who aren't afraid to share each others secrets, run madcap swapsie scenarios, or, of course, "tell mom." But...I don't know..when it comes to twins, there's an inexplicable link to a male fantasy that I think most women really can't comprehend. A fantasy that doesn't align with everlasting love or right reasons or going to any type of pre-specified location to make friends. I guess it theoretically

The Bachelor Advent Calendar

For the record, I do not know what is behind the flaps on this thing.
I can only imagine its samples of Axe body spray and quotes from
O Town Fan Fiction (you know, assuming this is O town. I really
can't be bothered to look).

It's that special time of year again, and I have oh so many exciting things to countdown to! My half-birthday (ETA: T-minus 1 day, and yes it still counts if you're over 10 years old!), Christmas (15 days), and of course, the birth of my son  (70 days...unless he decides to take after his father, the stupid 10 pound jerk!). But obviously, the most exciting event among the lot is the premiere of the Bachelor 2016.

So from now until January 4th, I'll be counting down all the things we have to look forward to about the upcoming season (And eating an entire Buche de Noel in one siting, by myself. Because...Half Birthday. Christmas. Pregnancy), all the while scrambling desperately to learn something, anything about what could very possibly be the most generic Bachelor of all times, Ben.

I invite you to come along on this journey with me checking back as often as you'd like as I scour the internet looking for knowledge about Ben more interesting than the fact that he is 6'4", as I puzzle over who exactly provides gainful employment for trained "coffee drinkers," and harshly judge the poor life decisions of women who decide to repeatedly go on this show. But I do not invite you to share my Buche de Noel. That is just for me.

Finals, The Score

Emily - 120 Ben H. - 45 Jared -  25 Clint. - 30 Joshua - 5 Tanner - 15

Brandon - 125            Iza - 100 Ian - 50                        Kupah - 10 Chris - 10                     J.J. - 40 Ben Z. - 35                   Joe - 30 Tony - 10                     Shawn - 0 Jonathan - 20               Ryan M. - 20

	Ben H. – 45 +15 (5 x 3) for audience applause +20 for audience whispers Bonus: +10 for showing the true extent of his blandness by summing up his five minutes of catcalls with "People have been very nice." Important Info: And if there wasn't enough evidence already that Ben H. will make a very boring Bachelor, he did not look at all amused when Chris Harrison said "Up close, he doesn't get it." Because a largely humorless Bachelor is exactly what we need to get the program back on track!
	Ben Z. – 35 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +10 for saying the process changed him +15 for confessing his love for Kaitlyn at Chris Harrison's behest Important Info: Ben continues to seem like a lovely gentlemen, but his true coup of the season was leading Chris Harrison to say "I'm crying on the inside right now." I think we've all long assumed that that is Chris Harrison's default state.
	Chris - 10 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: All the completely unredeemable, totally value-less gratefulness points in the world for remaining mercifully quiet during most of the night.
	Clint – 30 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +15 for saying he didn't go on the show to make friends. An oldie but a goody, even on the Men Tell All. Important Info: I understand the Men Tell All isn't exactly designed to give us closure so much as it is designed to stir up old arguments and preview the amazing new season of the most reprehensible show on the planet, but I felt like there were really a lot of unanswered questions when it came to Clint. How is his ongoing relationship with J.J.? Why was he allowed to continually talk about how he was super into Kaitlyn? Why hasn't Chris Harrison found the time to advise him on his facial hair choices?
	Ian – 50 +15 (5 x 3) for audience applause +15 earning many audience skeptical looks Bonus: +15 for getting down on his knees to apologize...twice +5 for hilariously getting a leg cramp in round two Important Info: Apologizing certainly wasn't the wrong move for Ian personally or for Ian's mother...but in an episode where weirdly everybody forgave everybody else except, completely randomly, for Corey, it did not make for the best ever TV!
	Jared – 25 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +10 for being treated to a Chris Harrison superlative +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: I forgot about the stupidity of Love Man. I am glad they reminded me (painful though it was!) so that I can go back to being glad that Kaitlyn sent him home!
	J. J. – 40 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +10 for perhaps the most intense blooper in Bachelorette history Bonus: +10 for Chris Harrison calling him out on his air quotes +10 for repeatedly (if perhaps intentionally) perpetuating the Bachelorette team's edits with consistent poor word choices and reference to "lots of meat" and the like Important Info: Given this year's focus on a Canadian Bachelorette, J.J. should probably lose all the points in the world for blaming "the hockey locker room" for any of his missteps.
	Joe – 30 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper  Bonus: +15 for getting a clorox deal to host a mid-show commercial with Becca +5 for getting called out on laughing at J.J. Important Info: I have no fear of pigeons, but I can't promise Joe's performance won't haunt my nightmares tonight...creepy stuff! Jonathan - 20 +5 for audience applause Bonus: +15 for getting called out on voting for Britt Important Info: I hope to have a lot of important thoughts on Jonathan to report after Bachelor in Paradise. But in the meantime, I'll just keep thinking how he might want to keep his moral outrage a little less loud if he's going to keep abandoning his son.
	Joshua – 5 +5 for audience applause Important Info: There was not enough Joshua on this episode for my personal tastes...and is it possible his judgment has improved enough for him to refuse a spot on Bachelor in Paradise? That seems awfully unlikely... Kupah - 10 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause) Important Info: Kupah probably isn't in the best spot to judge who did and did not "handle themselves the best" on this show.
	Ryan – 20 +5 for audience applause Bonus: +5 for admitting to being "horned up" +10 for bring a rose for a very special apology Important Info: What would The Men Tell All be without a bit of blatant hypocrisy. Ryan M.'s behavior was so disgusting that it required Chris Harrison to escort him out mid-program without even consulting the prospective Bachelorettes. But not so disgusting that they didn't want him back for another show...
	Shawn – 0 Did not Appear Important Info: I really thought Shawn might at least earn himself some blooper points, but I suppose we'll have to wait a whole 'nother week to hear him do something exciting...like complain about Nick.
	Tanner – 15 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause Important Info: He's saving himself to come up big on Bachelor in Paradise. He, Jared, and Ashley I. would be the choice first draft picks, if we were continuing with a summer league.
	Tony – 10 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: Naturally, Tony was too busy to say anything during this episode because he was far too busy visualizing himself at the zoo.

Weeks 7 and 8: The Scores

Man, this show has been rough. And with no obvious candidate for the next Bachelor, it might be hard to redeem much of anything next year (Though I secretly do want to see a flock of 25 women uncertainly hemming and hawing over the highly desirable night one choices of Nick and Joe, I doubt the ABC team is going to be eager to try that little stunt again what with the less than impressive results it yielded). After this week's exceedingly classy departure, I assume we'll be treated to a Ben of some sort, and, while it won't even come close to the disaster-in-decision-making that is Kaitlyn, they are going to have to recruit him some uber-crazies to eke out even a hint of interest out of a season following the nice, normal, seemingly unlikely to be poised to give us hours of footage of him showering with his shirt off Ben H. The good news is, though, we've reached the penultimate episode of our fantasy season, and are about to head into a division playoff to rival all division playoffs with what is sure to be an incredibly messy Men Tell All next week.

	Ben H. – 95 Eliminated +5 for a rose +15 for saying he is falling in love +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for crying Bonus: +15 for saying Kaitlyn "changed" him (and I think we can all be on the lookout for a repeat of that next week!) +10 for getting asked on national television if he was a virgin +5 for saying that he "likes to walk around and think about vikings." I suppose technically there was context but...who doesn't, Ben H.? Who doesn't? Important Info: My husband half watched the fantasy suite episode with me and contributing his traditional line of the season after one of Kaitlyn's monologues about the wonders that is Ben. She called him perfect, and husband material, and possibly something along the lines of "the romantic holy grail," and Jason responded with "Yes, but she doesn't know he has a secret pact with the horses to make himself look good."
	Jared – 20 Eliminated +10 for crying +10 for making Kaitlyn cry Important Info: I actually didn't see this one coming. I thought Jared was going to be the place filler instead of Ben H. after all the hours they logged dry humping on hotel beds. What probably stings even more is that Ben totally outclassed him on their departures. Ben sees your offer of a coat, Jared, and raises you a "you look great tonight." That's why he'll be seeing everyone next season on the Bachelor while you will be forced to start social media stalking Britt.
	Joe – 45 Eliminated +10 kissing in a group date setting +25 getting kicked off mid-group date Bonus: +10 for telling Shawn he has lipstick on his face Important Info: Poor Joe. It was no secret that his departure was coming like a freight train, but obviously this inevitable result was at least hidden from him. The tantrum he threw was the pure emotion you rarely see on this show...because most people have the sense not to want to appear in such an unflattering light. In an uncomfortable season, the 10 minutes of Joe saying perfectly reasonable things in a hugely unreasonable tone of voice, were some of the least comfortable we got. And more than being sad to see him go, I'm sad to see him go like that after being nothing but a delight throughout this whole show.
	Nick – 105 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in two one-on-one settings +15 for telling Kaitlyn he's falling in love with her +30 for tattling on Shawn +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite Bonus: +15 for making his entire family cry with what, again, must be regarded as exceptionally poor decision-making. Important Info: Like, I imagine, absolutely everyone, I am exceptionally sick of the ongoing saga of Shawn and Nick. So all I really have to say about him this week is...his parents met in a church? No wonder he has SO MANY siblings!
	Shawn – 155 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in two one-on-one settings +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +20 for intentional nudity +5 for verbal fighting +10 for questioning if Nick is there for the right reasons Bonus: +30 for accepting Kaitlyn's self-tattling and somehow moving past it. My guess is his acceptance is less than permanent. +20 for unsanctioned mid-rose ceremony conversation +5 for saying he was "so tense he couldn't even piss" +10 for what was easily the most hilarious underwear in show history. We've all been there. Though how was he not SO sweaty?This is why I usually default to swimswuits.

Week 6, The Scores

Important information has been suspended for the week, because there is absolutely nothing of importance to report!

	Ben H. – 35 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +10 for making Kaitlyn cry (boy, was there a lot of that this episode) Bonus: +10 for calling Kaitlyn out on her conversation with Shawn. On the one hand, I feel pretty certain that that wasn't a magical spur-of-the-moment idea. On the other...you have to pretty much feel like you've got no shot if she tells another guy he's the one after she's been hanging out with both of you.
	Ben Z. – 20 Eliminated +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for referencing his "forever love." I feel like that's generally a term for people making fun of the show.
	Chris - 50 Eliminated +5 for a rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +10 for crying +25 for being abandoned on the side of a cliff Non-Bonus Aside: While he certainly doesn't get points for his measured and insightful portion of the evening, his observation that she's not ready for her lifetime of happiness did seem almost chillingly correct! Less correct, moving to Nashville as a single 20-something because it's a good place to raise kids.
	Jared – 10 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one Bonus: +5 for calling Kaitlyn transparent. Oh, how the producers shall make him eat those words!
	J. J. – 50 Eliminated +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +25 for being abandoned in the wilderness Bonus: +5 for telling Kaitlyn he was falling for her while Joe sat there and awkwardly watched. Really a classy move.
	Joe – 45 +20 for a date rose +15 for saying he's falling in love with Kaitlyn (which, I'm a fan of you, Joe, but...how?) Bonus: +10 for telling the other guys he was falling in love with Kaitlyn, or, as it is more commonly known, poking the Shawn..
	Nick – 20 +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for crying
	Shawn – 55 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +20 for stealing unsanctioned time with Kaitlyn +20 (10 x 2) for making Kaitlyn cry a lot, on multiple occasions Bonus: +5 for being the target of piped in snoring. Just in case his actions haven't made him unattractive to us yet...because he's pretty much not going to win.
	Tanner – 10 Eliminated Bonus: +10 for his less than charming gossip session with Nick in which he betrayed all of Shawn's darkest secrets.