Episode 9, The Scores

	Ben – 55 +30 (15 x 2) for audience boos +10 for appearing mostly not remorseful +5 for claiming the experience showed him ways to improve himself Bonus: +10 for forcing Des to slip into a state of delusion by claiming that she always believed him to be insincere
	Brandon – 15 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper
	Bryden – 10 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Non-Bonus Aside: I'm sort of shocked they didn't make him discuss his untimely departure at all. I mean, he was there, right?
	Dan – 35 +5 for audience applause Bonus: +20 for milking "chance" encounter with Ben's baby mama/best friend +10 for accusing Ben of applying for custody after the show...as if that's a terrible thing
	James – 130 +30 (15 x 2) for audience boos +60 (20 x 3) for audience looks of disbelief +15 for refusing to apologize +10 (5 x 2) for being featured in bloopers Bonus: +5 for misusing the word prosecute instead of persecute...though really some of these points should probably go to Michael +10 for blaming Desiree for his getting kicked off
	Juan Pablo – 75 +20 (5 x 4) for audience applause +10 (5 x 2) for being featured in bloopers Bonus: +15 for likely being the next bachelor given all the never-before-seen footage they showed of him talking about his daughter +20 for apparently making Zak W. fall in love with him +10 for Chris Harrison weirdly implying that his daughter needs a mom...pretty sure she has a mom, Chris
	Kasey – 65 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause  +20 for audience looks of disbelief +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +10 for repeated use of the phrase "wholesome and pure." If Kasey had done better, he would have been so saddened by the Fantasy Suite episode. +10 for blaming Brian for his lack of connection with Des when he clearly should have blamed the hashtags +10 for attempting to play the "can I finish? I let James finish" card. It just never works.
	Michael G. – 5 +5 for audience applause Non-Bonus Applause: Can that possibly be it? No legal puns? No general whiney annoyingness? No Miami Vice themed suit?  I feel like I don't know Michael at all now.
	Mikey T. – 60 +5 for audience applause +20 for audience disbelief +5 for appearing in a blooper Bonus: +20 for blaming Brooks for what went down in the limo.  Thank God you're not like Brooks Mikey! +10 for referencing his US Weekly cover
	Zak W. – 60 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +15 for being forced to confess his love at Chris Harrison's behest Bonus: +5 for writing a poem +20 for writing another song +10 for recognizing he comes on too strong. That's half the battle Zak!

Men Tell All Finale Rules:

Crying +10
Earning audience applause +5
Earning audience boos +15
Earning stock footage of concerned audience whispers of disbelief +20
Being described by Chris Harrison as a superlative +10
Confessing feelings you may or may not have been experiencing at Chris Harrison's behest +15
Claiming you were misunderstood +5

Claiming the experience changed you +5

Blaming the editors for how you appeared +10

Making no effort to appear remorseful about your actions +15

Making any kind of pun +5
Using another contestant's words against him +10

Being featured in a blooper +5

Already being in a new relationship +20

Laura's Team (270 Total):

James

Zak W.

Michael G.

Bryden

Kasey

Maggie's Team (240 Total):

Ben

Juan Pablo

Dan

Mikey T.

Brandon

Episode 9, The Men Tell Slightly Less Than All

So, I don't have a ton of things to say about this week's Men Tell All episode. I'm not sure why I always get excited for these give that they're pretty much always the same - a bunch of footage we've already seen interspersed with villains offering half apologies (I'm sorry if you guys thought I was being an asshole....), Chris Harrison employing emotional torture techniques cruel enough to land him on the list of human rights violators, and women who are waaaaay too sincere about their well wishes for the Bachelor(ette). Outside of the new and probably now permanent segment featuring Des receiving sage advice from the 3 dwarves of the Bachelor(ette) (Tanny, Disconcertingly Skinny, and Too-Many-Parts-Plastic-to-Ever-Changey), I think I probably could have written this week's episode, including Dan's desperate, last ditch attempt to distinguish himself from Brad with the whole Ben's Baby Mama deal (and speaking of which, where do we think their son was while she was traipsing around Vegas?  Perhaps...maybe...with Ben?)

So rather than rehashing the same old, same old, here in no particular order are the things that didn't happen in this year's Men Tell All:

They Didn't Convince me that Ben is a Terrible Guy. 

Yes, his parting words in the limo didn't exactly make him the embodiment of the Good Christian Gentleman he claimed to be, but I actually buy that he was pissed after suffering through Des picking the guy who had essentially repeatedly run him down with a hot-tug over the course of the night. (Don't question the mechanics of it - just allow yourselves to give into the mental image of Michael maniacally driving the super slow-moving watercraft). As far as I can tell, Ben remained calm, pleasant, and pretty frustratingly reasonable throughout this whole season. And, while I wouldn't be flabbergasted to learn he went on the show to get publicity for his bar, I have yet to see any evidence. Even Des' whole claim that she knew he was being insincere with her from night one was total b.s. She might not have been that into him, but she needed to be repeatedly hit on the head with James' villainy before she caught up to the group, so I'm just not buying that she was perceptive enough to pick up on Ben's evil vagary. Like me, Des just isn't built for subtle villains.


They Didn't Convince me Des is Going to Wind Up Alone.
I would be floored if she did - or even if she wound up in one of those dating but not yet engaged scenarios they used to allow - because it seems pretty clear that an engagement is going to be even more inadvisable than usual after her frontrunner takes off on her and leaves her with the also-rans. And yet, they've been hitting the Cinderella theme way too hard this season for me to believe that anyone (except for, you know, that one guy) is walking away.

The Didn't Exercise Subtlety when Anointing Juan Pablo Heir to the Bachelor Throne.
I find Chris, Drew, and Brooks equally boring at this point, so I'm not necessarily complaining, but...this is going to happen, right?

They Didn't Convince me that Des was Particularly Genuine or Particularly Real.
They've been hitting these themes pretty hard since Sean's season, and frankly, I've just never seen what it is about Des that makes her more than just a young Katie Holmes clone who thinks far more highly of herself than poor Katie Holmes (although it's hard to say which version's marriage will have ended more predictably...). The only thing that Des really showed off this week was her cattiness when, after declaring herself Stephanie's sister in solidarity during all of the Brian hooplah, she suggested bringing rocks to the Men Tell All for the pair to throw at each other.

They Didn't Convince me to Buy Zak's Album.
Though they did convince me he was a more talented poet than Chris or Des. I'm not saying an angsty 10th grader with an English assignment couldn't have given him a run for his money, but....at least it didn't rhyme.

Des Didn't Return Brandon's Mother's Sobriety Chip
Which, let's face it, in five years is probably the only horrible things I will remember about this horrible season.

Brooks - 20

+5 for a rose
+5 for kissing
Bonus: +5 for making me want to stab myself in the eye with the "finishing each others' sentences" schtick
+5 for having an eagle statue in their home (These points actually come from Jason....I'm not sure why he felt they were so important.  I guess, maybe....patriotism...?)

Chris – 10

+5 for kissing 

+5 for a rose

Drew – 10
+5 for kissing
+5 for a rose

Non-Bonus Aside: As I mentioned previously, Drew deserves NO previous points for saying "I love you" this week after saying "I'm in love with you" last week.  Even though Des actually noticed the distinction, it's just dumb. These aren't different things.

 Zak W. – 50

+5 for kissing
+5 for crying
+10 for giving Des a gift
+15 for confessing his love
Bonus: +5 because his gift was aggressively a ring
+10 for the family song

Episode 8, The Hometown Dates

Just a few housekeeping notes before we launch into the scores generated by the DeLUd°Ed algorithm (S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)). First of all, due to my crazy scheduling, my husband was forced to watch the episode with me this week - let's just say that he's not a convert...but when Zak is ready to learn to love again, Jason's totally on board to help him set up on online dating profile "like a normal person." Secondly, I'm not really going



to cover the return of Desiree's brother this week because it is hard for me to depict him as the villain that ABC so badly wants him to be when every word out of his mouth makes perfect sense. But I do have to say that it demonstrates an astounding degree of arrogance on Des' part that she still blames her brother entirely for her not ending up with Sean (and it doesn't really bode well for the rest of the guys that she's still so pissed about it), and give that she still seems to be clinging to the idea that Sean made a fraternally-fueled mistake....how can Catherine possibly stand to be her friend?

Anyway, onto hometown dates and the families. In many ways, this year's pack was pretty run-of-the-mill. They were warm and welcoming but didn't veer too far into strange overwhelmingness or into loving fun. They spoke in cliches and reserved any less than glowing reviews of Des for later, off camera. It certainly wasn't the best group on which to test the DeLUd°Ed formula, but what can you do? They're the bunch we got.  So here in order of how much damage their families did to their race for the final rose, are this week's men:

Chris = 49
 Chris started out the date strong with his athletic, good-at-everything-ness (which, by the way, Des' brother was not feeling, again showing his excellent sense.  Being good at things really shouldn't be on anyone's top ten list for things they look for in a guy), and with Des completely stealing Zak's sketchbook schtick from last week and presenting it to Chris. But once he took Des home to meet the family, things started to go off the rails:

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

True, it was made clear that Chris' family was pulling the strings in ending his last relationship, but their cold, judgmental vibe made them seem close in the way a politician is close to his blackmailer, not with any kind warmth.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 2
Des flat out asked if Chris was ready to propose and, while Dad give his ringing endorsement to Chris' readiness for a serious relationship, he deftly but noticeably avoided any mention of getting engaged.

Likeability (L): 1
So, I fully admit that I am biased here because I don't like chiropractors. When it comes to backs, I think they're little more than glorified masseuses without a modicum of valid medical evidence to support their craft. But what I hate even more than chiropractors are chiropractors who think their powers extend beyond temporary skeletal-muscular relief. Claiming adjusting Des' back will give her clarity for the next few weeks is utter quackery, but it least it's harmless. However, the chiropractors out there irresponsibly and deplorably schilling cures for autism and eating disorders make even this harmless claim hard to stomach.  Chiropractors aside, though, is there any doubt that the family started picking apart "the new one" the second she was out of the house?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 0
Referencing the facts that The Bachelorette isn't real life and that Des is dating a lot of other guys is considered very poor form.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 8
I suspect Mama Siegfried could have kicked her interrogation into an even higher gear, but never smiling certainly went a long way.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5
Mama Siegfriend may have shed a few tears while claiming she and the family liked Des, but I don't think she ever really sold it, either to the television audience or to the lady herself.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 2
No kids in the family yet, but if Chris wants like 12 of them, you have to think one of his married siblings is working on it.


Zak: 94

Perhaps Zak's date should have been first given that he got sent home, but his family was every bit as charming and adorable as the man himself. There was just nothing they could have done to reverse the course of the inevitable. It was clear that Zak was going home, if not from the end of last week's episode, then from the lackluster greeting Des gave him at the top of the date and by the way she listened to his dream as if he was a particularly annoying two-year-old. Zak's family, though, did everything they could, and I will hope against hope that James' "top four" rule goes into effect here and we get to see them again on Zak's season of The Bachelor (though I fully acknowledge that it's never going to happen - not with at least two hardsomer, blander, invested-er-in-wearing-clothing candidates to choose from).

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 7
 This would have been at a totally respectable "we love of each other, but don't share toothbrushes" 5 if it hadn't been for the singing.  Oh the singing....

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 7

Likeability (L): 10

Again, if we could ignore the singing, I would totally want to be a part of this family!  They were bubbly, but not overbearing.  And my favorite part of this episode was easily the mildly embarrassed but not at all surprised way in which they took the news of Zak's shirtless entrance.  This is a family who knows each other well and loves each other tons, but isn't blind to each other's flaws. Sign me up!

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 8

They did reference that Zak and Des had only known each other for a very short time, but didn't actually seem horrified by the fact.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 0

This is the one area in which Zak's family, and, in fact, Zak himself could perhaps stand to improve.  At no point during the season has Zak made Des work for anything (I mean, the man got naked on night 1), and his family were perfectly ready to accept her with no questions asked. If the success of Brooks in the past two weeks has shown us anything, it's that Des likes a man to at least play a little hard to get.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

They were eager in three part harmony for Pete's sake! In fact, this is one of the few times in show history when I actually feel a little bit sad about how disappointed the family is going to be when Zak shows up at home, dejected and alone.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

There weren't actually any children present as far as I could tell, but did you guys see Zak's sister?  Someone is definitely going to want to procreate with that!

Drew: 260

I think it's always kind of tough for the contestants to bring the bachelor(ette) on a hometown date after they've spent the whole season airing their family's dirty laundry in service of the personal tragedy off that is this show. Drew's family seemed perfectly loving and nice, but Des didn't seems as comfortable with them as she did with, say, Brooks' family, and I wonder if maybe the Kenney family earned her admiration and respect more than they earned her desire to spend all of her holidays with them. That being said, I think Drew may have been shown to his advantage by being with his family, so I certainly don't think any damage was done here.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

Though I am always impressed by divorced couples who are able to spend time with each other in amiable social settings.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Likeability (L): 7 

I think the one-on-one with Drew's Dad was the thing that knocked it down from being a 10 because, was it just me or were all of the questions about her chemistry with and attraction to Drew were just a little bit weird? If my father-in-law, whose conversations with me rarely extend beyond hocking and hunting, ever asked me about what first attracted me to my husband, I have no clue what I would say, but I can't imagine it would be anywhere near as coherent (nor, hopefully as appallingly corny) as "his eyes - because I could see his depth and his heart"

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 3

So, they didn't really grill her about her readiness for a relationship with Drew, but I do think the question about angels caught her a little bit off guard. In fact, in general, I was surprised by how little they showed of Des' time spent with Melissa.  Is it too much to hope that this had nothing to do with Des' comfort level with her and was, instead, due to ABC discovering a line of exploitation that even they won't cross?

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0  

Brooks: 318

As much as I love listening to Des justify why Brooks hasn't told her he loves her yet ("He's holding back because I'm seeing other guys." Is that the only possible explanation, Des?), it's gotten to the point with Brooks where it really seems like they're trying to cushion the blow of his eventual departure.  I've been studiously avoiding spoilers this year, but at this point does it seem possible that there's any other possible outcome besides Brooks confessing he's just not feeling it in a few weeks?  It just seems like the editors are so worried about Bachelor(ette) nation's reaction to what would have been a rather shocking betrayal, and so are easing it in with some rather heavy-handed foreshadowing - Brooks saying he's forgotten about their relationship over the past couple of weeks, Brooks listening to his sister's advice on the couch with little more than ennui - and frankly, I think we all probably could have handled it if they had allowed for just a little bit more of the element of surprise.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 8

I don't think my family has ever attempted anything so cloying as a group hug, much less a group hug that ensnared a relative stranger as its victim.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Brooks' mom is no dummy.  Her claim that she knows Brooks will be "ready when he meets the right person" both alleviates any doubt in Des' mind (who can't possibly imagine a suitor for whom she would not be the right person) while still preventing any future culpability.  Well played, Mama Forester. Well played.

Likeability (L): 10

Although after seeing his family, I can't help thinking if we need to revisit a rather familiar Emily and Jef conversation. Have they talked about the possibility of Des converting to the church of Mormon?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 5

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5

Really, I think the only thing holding Brooks' mom back from giving her whole-hearted endorsement was the fact that she didn't really feel like it was her place. And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for that in life, but it really just isn't the Bachelor(ette) way. 

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

I'm guessing that there are kids already, but they just couldn't reasonably have all of them together on the show.

Episode 8, The Hometown Recipe for Success

So, circumstances have conspired to keep me from watching the Bachelorette this week, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it (cue one of the millions of ethereal covers for the Rolling Stone's Wild Horses). Hometown's have never been my favorite, but I do understand and honor their importance, acknowledgeing that this week has been the turning point for many a bachelor hopeful. With that said (Oh god, it's contagious), I've developed an algorithm to measure hometown date success that can be used both by future bachelor aspirants and by myself when I get around to watching this later in the week, finally freed from the shackles of doing things that people pay me for. I wouldn't recommend applying this analysis to, say, the first time you meet your boyfriend's parents, but in the world of the Bachelor(ette), it's more than just theory. It's fact!

The metrics that make up this algorithm are:

D = the Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry: In real life, we want a man who loves his family, who is close with his mother, who values and respects his dad. But you know, maybe not too close. We don't want a man whose parents pop by to visit in the middle of the night  just to make sure he didn't have that nightmare again; who requires his mother's approval on everything from the outfits he wears to the distribution of his meals across the food pyramid over the course of the day; who calls his mommy during the limo ride home after a bad date and get's "Here we go again," as a response. Not so in Bachelor/ette land where your family traditions, no matter how creepy; your pranks, no matter how clumsy; your wall art depicting professional family photos taken in matching outfits, no matter how numerous (and at what ages) will never set off the earsplitting warning sirens that have caused other girls to flee in terror since you willingly brought your mother to the prom.

e = the Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials: It doesn't really matter if you're ready to sign on to a lifetime (specifically, the lifetime of a cricket, which generally lives for about 6 months) or pretending you're heading toward marital bliss or not, if you want any kind of shot at that final rose, the hometown date is where you sell your love of commitment. Have your family tell a story about the time you married your kitten when you were four (a puppy will make for an acceptable substitute if you're simply not cat people, but don't go for anything smaller than a rabbit. No one wants to marry a man whose starter wife was a rodent), or how you used to carry a disconcertingly lifelike doll around and pretend that you were its dad (they can omit the detail that this was in college if you judge it to be best). Whatever you do, don't let even a hint, even a small suggestion that you might not be ready for marriage cross your family's lips. No amount of damage control after the fact will remove the doubt from your beloved's mind. Because trusting a veritable stranger who you just met over your soon-to-be fiance is one of the cornerstones of a successful marriage.

L = Likeability: When and if it comes down to a coin flip between you and another equally bland, similarly chiseled contestant, you better believe that the likeability of your family is going to come into play. And I don't mean the quirky "you love them, so I love them" type of likeability either. The bachelorette will not love you in spite of your family. She's got three other men for whom those kinds of compromises don't need to be made. Your family must be warm and loving, must embrace the main stream, may value their membership in an ethnic enclave or other cultural group, but not in a way that makes the white, all-American bachelorette uncomfortable or requires the regular use of a foreign language. Your family is welcome to embarrass you in the name of building sisterhood with the bachelorette, but they must never embarrass her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way (helpful hints include not looking the bachelorette directly in the eye, making sure they have bottled water and her favorite fat free snacks on hand at all times, and using the word "amazing" no less than three times, but not in excess of 7. Just make sure each family member reads her rider, and you'll be fine).

U = Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process: This can be a tricky one because even I who spends an embarrassing number of hours watching and thinking about the Bachelor(ette) don't fully understand the process. Your family must demonstrate full comprehension of the fact that this magical journey you've been on, accompanied by 24 other men, is not only the best way, but maybe the only way to find love in the modern era.

d° = Degree to which They Give the Third Degree: This one's a little bit counter-intuitive, but it's actually to your benefit to encourage your family to subject the bachelorette to some scrutiny when they pull her aside for their not-at-all choreographed chats. If you want her to decided that this is the family of which she wants to be a part, well, you've gotta play a little hard to get! Bear in mind that it is essential that your family walks a fine line, establishing that their impromptu interrogation stems only from their uncomfortable closeness with and mildly upsetting degree of love for you and their deep respect, nay, veneration for the institution of marriage and not from any doubt about her, Chris Harrison's ability as a romantic spirit guide, or, heaven forefend, the process.

E = Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family: Ultimately, once the playing hard to get portion of the evening is through, your family must do everything in their power short of hiring a sky writer (Wait, scratch that. Hire a sky writer. They don't charge by the word, and I hear she likes poetry.  What rhymes with "I've always wanted a daughter"?) to enfold her in the bosom of their familial love. Not surprisingly, a high level of scrutiny (d°) has a multiplier effect on the eventual eagerness with which the bachelorette is met.

d = Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette: Again, in real life, it's never a great feeling to have this kind of familial pressure to procreate (I speak from experience here, having married the last remaining male heir who can carry on the family name. Ten years from now when I'm mysteriously beheaded, leaving my 7 daughters motherless, you'll all know who to blame), but in Bachelor(ette) land  this sort of pressure seems inexplicably attractive. If you really can't be an only child for the purposes of the show, then make sure you're curses with no more than an awkward brother who will remain endearingly silent throughout dinner, or a gaggle of spinster sisters who make your lack of bitterness and avoidance of using a "y" to spell the word "women" seem positively entrancing by comparison.

Rate each of these metrics on a 10 point scale, mix it all together using some math and stuff, and you get a foolproof algorithm for S = Success of Hometown Date, or:

S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)

Episode 7, The Scores

Kissing, Connections, and Metaphors all around!

	Brooks - 30 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing his connection with Des Bonus: +10 for his metaphor about how love is like clouds...foggy and, if you squint real hard it sometimes looks like a rabbit
	Chris – 60 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose +10 for referencing his connection with Des +10 x 2 for referencing the journey +15 for confessing his love (difficult though it is, I will ignore the fact that he did so in a poem) Bonus: +5 for switching it up and referencing Brook's connection with Des
	Drew – 55 +10 for kissing on a group date +20 for a date rose +15 for confessing his love for Des (note: though Drew claimed that telling Des he's in love with her is not the same as saying "I love you" that is dumb and will ignore that it the future. Bonus: +10 for his metaphor about how love is like racing...we're all just watching it in hopes of a crash.
	Michael G. – 55 Eliminated - Mercifully +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing his connection with Des +5 for crying +15 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +10 for calling his mom from the limo +10 for metaphor about how love is like a wild ride...it's fun to talk about later, but it just makes you kind of nauseous at the time
	Zak W. – 45 +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for referencing his connection with Des +5 for a rose +10 for giving Des a gift....of his art Bonus: +10 for metaphor about how love is like racing...something nobody really believes Danica Patrick can do.

Episode 7, The Toe Pick!

So, I've seen other Bachelorette recappers speculate about the questionable nature of Zak W.'s alleged age, claiming he looks just a wee bit too old, a mite to plastically, to be 31. And, though I've avoided discussing it until now, it's time.  Because in two weeks Zak W. will confess that, not only is he not actually 31, but he's also D.B. Sweeney.   

Now, you're probably thinking that it wouldn't be a bad thing to be engaged to the Doug Dorsey.  I mean, sure, his career has been just slightly less than successful since starring in one of the all-time best romantic comedies on the planet, The Cutting Edge,  in 1992.  So what if his career since has descended into TV guest starring spots, voice over work for OWN, and (shudder) a starring role in Atlas Shrugged. He's aged pretty well - and who isn't looking for something to hold over Moira Kelly.

In fact, Desiree would be lucky to marry D. B. Sweeney...you know...if he wasn't already married with two kids.

Episode 7, The Probable: Brooks

Despite my wild speculating and the footage that makes the secret appear to be Drew's, it's gotta be that Brooks just isn't that into Des, right?  This week's episode had to have been foreshadowing, didn't it?  Not just a pointless exercise in self-hate?

Episode 7, The Good....Because I Can't Stand to Pile On Another Tragedy: Drew

Lord knows I've probably made it clear by now that I'm not a huge fan of the personal tragedy that The Bachelore/ette franchise seems to trade in like they're some kind of a German filmmaker or Jonathan Franzen.  Heck, I've even been known to root against contestants for revealing too much too soon, for relying on a questionable secret like the that eating disorder they had back in 7th grade or the girlfriend they cheated on when they were 12. But Drew seems to have endured more than his fair share of personal strife - the alcoholic father, the burden of raising his mentally disabled sister when he was just a kid, the improbably recovery of his father just in time for him to be struck down with cancer - it's just kind of a lot.

And so, because I feel reluctant to kick the man while he's down, even fictitiously, here, based on absolutely no fact and apropos of pretty much nothing, is the deep, dark secret that I'm pretty sure Drew has been hiding. Drew is a contestant on, or perhaps the host of a new meta-reality-style prank show on which the purpose is to invade another reality show and get as far in the contest as you can. Just think about it - would anybody really notice if an extra camera showed up and started filming amongst the gaggle that generally follows Des?

Though his top three finish on The Bachelorette will be impressive indeed, just wait until next year when he infiltrates America's Next Top Model. Tyra's going to love his cheekbones, his natural, perpetual smize, his femininely manly androgyny. Things will look bad for him in week 7 when he refuses to pose nude, but week 8's photo shoot in which he leverages his dad's struggle with addiction to pose as a maggot trapped inside a rotting piece of fruit will mark the turning point in his ascent to the historically meaningless Top Model crown.

Episode 7, The Bad - Coming to a Theater Near You in May of 2014: Michael

Now, I don't think that just because Michael went home this week, it means he should miss out on all the fun (by which I mean my fun at his expense). Because if Desiree had let him get that far, Michael would have had to show off his lavishly furnished apartment that no respectable federal prosecutor could possibly afford and confess that he was on the take.

I know that it sounds kind of unlikely, but this pretty much explains everything we know and question about Michael. It's really sort of your classic American tragedy. Just picture Michael: young, fatherless, and crippled by medical bills. With no real hope for his future, for his continued educational development, for someday embarrassing himself on national TV. Then, one day, he's approached by a swarthy rough a tumble type who speaks with some sort of stereotypical accent (so, Mikey T) and offers to make all his dreams come true (I think it's an unspoken rule that this only veers into fan fiction territory if I mention someone's throbbing member, so we should be safe here, right?). All Michael has to do is pledge to spend his career working for the Miami mob.

Fast forward 15 years and Michael's a big shot Federal Prosecutor. He's winning cases, channeling his above average degree of bluster into Grisham-style closing arguments, and just generally living the dream. And all he has to do is just take a little dive once in awhile when a RICO case crosses his desk. Now, I'm no expert on the Miami organized crime scene (I know. It pains me when I fail you guys too), but I'm guessing if they have Michael in their back pocket, they have a few federal judges on the payroll as well. So if Michael fudged his way through law school, if he slept through the class where they covered hearsay and the amount of legal metaphor it's appropriate to infuse into everyday speech - hey, no biggie. The judges can cover for him!

Is Michael a little bit aggressive? Sure! But what would you expect from someone who had spent so much time surrounded by that sort of thing. I'm just sad we won't get to watch Michael stumble through an introduction to his Great "Uncle" Don "The Blazer" Crockett on his hometown date (and even more sad that we won't be treated to a very special Chris Harrison Presents follow-up episode in which Michael struggles to convince Des to into witness protection with him after he turns state's)

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Episode 7, The Good, The Bad, and The Banal: Chris

Let's be real. I'd be pretty hard pressed to string two sentences together about the non-occurrences that somehow filled 90 minutes on this week's episode. This episode was pure filler, penance we were all forced to pay to find out whose family only gives their blessing with teeth gritted and Chris Harrison standing off camera with a cattle prod, what shocking secrets are left to be revealed, and, I suppose, grudgingly, who gets down on one knee to become the last ever man to make Des cry with saccharine rhyming nonsense.

But if we're being honest with ourselves (which, I think Chris Harrison would advocate, is an essential part of the Bachelor process), we're really all just watching to see the devastating truth that sets Des and, from the
looks of it, all the other men reeling in the penultimate episode. So this week, in an effort to erase the memory of the meaningless hours we whiled away watching Des complain about tropical fruit, we'll focus on what the big secret might be and who, exactly, is hiding it. Though the editors certainly want us to believe it's Drew, we've all been fooled before by their artful work, so I'll devoted a little bit of time to what each of these strong bastions of manhood have festering in their dirty laundry (asides from four week's worth of v-necks marinated in axe body spray).

First up, we'll turn to Chris, the lovable, goofy poet who seems just a few synapses short of those required to generate an evil plot. Years of practice has taught us that the secret is going to be something like lingering feelings for an ex-girlfriend back home or some other unconvincing excuse (I'm sorry - did I say unconvincing excuse?  I meant "job" or "child." It's funny how similar those words are) that they must immediately get back to, but wouldn't it be amazing if, just once, it was something more realistic?  Something equally upsetting, but more banal - more like the issues actual couples face when they're deciding to take the next step on their romantic journey (I'll never forget the words my husband said to me when we decided to take those next steps: "Honey," he said to me. "You're an amazing, amazing person. With that said, why are we paying a collective $3600 per month on rent? Let's try domestic cohabitation in a one bedroom apartment with a sunroom. It seems like the perfect place to find love.")

It always irked me a little bit that we never got to see Emily and Jef have a reasonable conversation about religion, which ostensibly was pretty important to Jef and is a major life decision that you probably shouldn't fake with marionette role play and time spent on the gun range. But here's hoping we get another chance with Des and Chris when he reveals his deepest secret is: insurmountable credit card debt!

Yes, that's right. Chris, like millions of Americans has ruined his credit living a life that's beyond his means. Let's face it. Chris is repeatedly billed as a "former baseball player" and not in the way that Cal Ripkin or Ken Griffey Jr. are "former baseball players" either. We know the guy hangs out in coffee shops all day, probably mooching off the free wifi and trying to think of a word that rhymes with "bill collector." Chris seems like a decent enough guy, so I can't say I'm exactly rooting for him to have a future filled with anxiety and stress, but I still find myself hoping against hopes that we're building toward a conversation that involves Des somberly saying if she ever wants to start her own fashion line, she can't be saddled with that much debt before she sends Chris packing. There'd be a little something refreshing about something so real.

Episode 6, The Scores

	Brooks - 5 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing on a group date
	Chris – 25 +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for receiving a poem (and a -10 for all of our IQs for having to listen to it)
	Drew – 80 +10 (5x2) for kissing on a date but in the romantic setting of an alley (which is pretty much just like a hot tub) +5 for crying +15 for revealing a personal tragedy +30 for tattling +20 for date rose
	James – 20 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for essentially saying "Did not" +10 for correctly identifying hearsay
	Juan Pablo – 25 Eliminated +10 for referencing his connection with Des +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for choreographing some amazing goal celebrations
	Kasey – 45 Eliminated +30 for tattling (even though it was totally unnecessary by the time he got in the game) Bonus: +5 for essentially saying "Did too" +10 for using the word "counter-accusate"
	Michael G. – 5 +5 for a rose
	Zak W. – 40 +5 for date kissing +20 for a date rose +15 for intentional near-nudity

Episode 6, The Drama

The Situation: Tattling to Des about James
How Dramatic Was It? Not as dramatic as it might have been in I still cared at all.  Look, it's always a risk to tattle on someone on the Bachelor/ette. No matter how many times each Bachelor/ette claims he or she wants you to come tell them if someone's intentions aren't good, what they mean is "Come tell me if someone's intentions aren't good...unless it's someone that I like better than you."  Drew played it smart and safe by waiting to tell Des until after he had secured his date rose, but it didn't save the group from a teary "I'm almost resent the guys from putting this on me" later in the episode (which, seriously - unless they guys turn out to be an elite hit squad assembled to put an end to her currently very overproduced life - I just don't see any circumstances under which Des should be regretting these poor saps who are hanging around a hotel room all day in hopes of snagging five minutes of her time)
Who's to Blame? Ben Flajnik. Not that there needs  to be a reason to blame Ben Flajnik, but he was really the guy who standardized the practice of sending home anyone who spoke out against the woman he lusted after.

The Situation: Confronting James en masse
How Dramatic Was It? I don't even know. I know there may be some degree of hypocrisy in devoted the lion's share of a post to a situation that I'm complaining about not being dramatic enough, but, this is pretty obviously a four man horse race, and given that none those men are interesting enough to merit even a quarter of the minutes devoted to James this week, we're looking at a very bleak end of the season.
Who's to Blame? This is actually a tricky one, and perhaps an unprecedented Bachelorette event, because I actually think no one was in the wrong here. On the one hand, Jame is right. He wasn't saying he was hoping not to wind up with Desiree. He was just saying, if he didn't, at least he had a shot at being the next Bachelor (although his grasp of statistics and basic probability left a little something to be desired).  I'm pretty sure he just gave voice to a thought that occurs to most of the guys over the course of the season as they realize how incredibly slim the odds are of getting to propose to Desiree - and let's face it, the guys it doesn't  occur to are the overly intense guys that nobody wants any part of, like Brandon.  On the other hand, you pretty much open yourself up for any criticism they want to dish out when you say these things aloud. I'd be pretty peeved if the guy I was seeing was talking about the next girl he was going to date.....but that doesn't mean similar thoughts wouldn't simultaneously be floating through my brain.  As always, we have to give the edge to relative stupidity, and say James was to blame for this, but that doesn't mean I think he was in slimy spin mode when he seemed upset and confused (although I did not care for him swearing on the life of his sick father - I know he thought he was telling the truth, but still...gross).  Also, big points to Mikey T. for apparently knowing exactly where he stood - you're gonna be alright big fella!

The Situation: Des' decision to let James sweat it out at the rose ceremony
How Dramatic Was It? It wasn't dramatic at all. And moreover. It was dumb.  With four out of five of the roses already on lock, we all knew she wasn't going to dole out the final flower to the one guy who had given her major reasons to doubt him, so all this really accomplished was robbing those of you who have James on your team of some much needed points.

Who's to Blame? The producers. No matter what she claimed, Des knew she was sending James home.  Heck, they started the episode with Chris Harrison informing them that their wouldn't be a cocktail party. Which either means, some intern just got fired for forgetting to reserve one of the Barcelona hotel's conference spaces, or Des had her mind made up from minute one.

The Situation: The final rose
How Dramatic Was It? Surprisingly dramatic. Just because I cannot believe she picked Michael G.

Who's to Blame? This one's a little bit circuitous, but I think we can safely blame Zak W. for her final pick. James and Kasey were never going to make it out of this episode, but, had I not spent way to much time analyzing scene's from the season during week one of the show, I would have been more than a little surprised to learn Michael G. was her final pick.  In part, this is because Michael G. is awful and I can't imagine her wanting to be around him for another week, but in part, this is also because it was so clear she wanted to screw Juan Pablo.  I can only assume that it went down like this:  Zak and Juan Pablo have always been in a bit of a race to be the heir to the fantasy suite throne, but after his date this week, Zak pulled ahead. Des did the math, realized that with Chris and Brooks and her pesky feelings, there was no way she was sneaking more than one of these guys into the top three, so she figured she might as well crush Juan Pablo's dreams now, rather than next week when failure to procure a rose becomes akin to Des sending a giant middle figure to Juan Pablo's 6-year old daughter (no Wikipedia this time - I'm just making things up).  So, I guess actually Zak and good, solid logic are to blame - two things that I imagine are not often referenced in the same sentence.

Episode 6, The Guys

  So, I don't actually know any men who watch a lot of women's sports outside of, maybe tennis and the Olympics. A lot of them feel that, compared to their male counterparts, female athletes are slower, less physical, and generally less entertaining to watch. And I could go on about how this is a byproduct of latent sexism caused by the entrenched gender roles of kindergarten classrooms and Society, but I won't because the only group of people I know who spend even less time watching women's sports than man are other women. I don't think there's anything wrong with hypothesizing that 9 times out of 10, a professional men's team will beat a professional women's team of the same relative caliber (and the 10th time there's a Chinese swimmer involved that you just know is up to something fishy) because despite gender equality in sense, intelligence, and the ability to watch Brian's Song without crying, we still have some physical differences. But despite all this, I don't think I know any man who is possessed of the asinine arrogance that enables him to believe that he, an average run-of-the-mill guy with maybe  a few year's of high school soccer under his belt could hold his own against a professional women's team. So here, in order of how abhorrent I now find them after this week's display, are the men:

Michael G. - Okay, so Michael G. didn't do or say anything particularly upsetting to set my generally repressed "Girl Power" sensibilities a-tingling, but I just couldn't place him anywhere but first on this list. It would probably be enough to ensure my everlasting hate that he just won't stop with the courtroom drama cliches, but Michael's offenses go beyond that. I think Michael is probably pretty easily the smartest guy in the house, and I think, Jame is right, he uses his intelligence to bully people. There was just no reason for him to be in the middle of the James drama this week, and if his job wasn't on the line before, you  can imagine Eric Holder (or whoever on his staff has been tasked with watching The Bachelorette to ensure that his reputation for being tough but fair and the general honor afforded to his office remains in tact), will be none to pleased to discover Michael apparently doesn't know what hearsay is.

Kasey: Kasey got the slight edge over Brooks here because of his involvement in the whole James thing (although, let's face it, Brooks and Chris were probably both involved but were just shielded from appearing on screen during the whole debacle because there the runway favorites to win/become the next super boring Bachelor), but really it was his sickening laugh and gleeful exclamation of "It's six girls," that drove the reversal of my affections from last week.

Brooks: It's possible that Brooks was just trying to be funny - he seemed to be cast in that role a lot during this episode, providing one-liner quips about Juan Pablo and James - but he dropped a few levels in my already pretty apathetic esteem when he said, "If we don't beat [the girls] we're going to be embarrassed forever." Maybe this kind of sexism really rings Des' bell (see: Lowe, Sean), but she has to at least reconsider a little given the moronic irony of his follow up comment that James was failing the team by playing like a girl.

James: So, more on James later, but there is nothing I hate more in a villain than the "Everybody's ganing up on me" defense. If everybody's going to doing it anyway, James, don't waste your energy whining about feeling excluded. Do something awesome and evil to deserve it.

Chris: I know that this week it wasn't technically his fault, but it's hard not too hate a guy who's followed by rhyming poetry every time he appears on screen (hell, it'd be pretty damn insufferable with not rhyming poetry). Can you even imagine the crimes against the English language we're all in store for if Chris becomes the next Bachelor?

Drew: Because what woman wants to make out in a well-appointed, warmly-lit courtyard when she can do the same in a dark alley where the presence of her camera crew is even less subtle?

Juan Pablo: I'm sure I could have come up with a reason to hate him if he had only been given more screen time, but at least Juan Pablo gave credit where credit was due to the talent of the lady soccer players this week. I will say that his wikipedia page (which, yes, I've read twice now for those of you judging at home) leads me to believe that he abandoned his soccer career so he could spend more time with his daughter....by launching a new career in American reality TV. So we can certainly say that critical reasoning is maybe not his strong suit.

Zak: Okay, I admit it. I've gone full on Blakey over Zak (which is appropriate as I imagine they've both had similar degrees of "work" done). While I would never want to date him myself or foist him onto anyone I know, in the context of the show, I think he's the best, and I hope he gets to show Des his naked balcony, and demonstrate his expertise in fluid drilling, and do all kinds of things that sound vaguely dirty but that I intend innocently before his 6-month engagement to her ends in heartbreak. Ultimately, I know the best Zak can hope for is to ride Desiree's inexplicably attraction to him to the fantasy suite, but his exaggerated facial expressions, his goofy delight at his own ridiculousness on his date, and his restraint from making any kind of homophobic comment about the nude model (which, while hopefully standard in the real world, must be considered admirable in the strangely conservative world of the Bachelor/ette) has me hoping he'll go the distance.