Week 4, Super Bowl Spirit Animals

I started my week in Iowa, which was a pretty powerful way for me to feel more attuned to Chris (also, the super steamy Soules-Kimmel fan fiction I've been working on whilst stuck in O'Hare. It's already 474 pages long) but not so helpful to watching the show and/or accomplishing any sort of blogging. But now that I'm getting back into the swing of things, I got inspired by the next major televised event. No, not the special two-night Bachelor event which I'm sure is lurking just around the corner to precipitate my death from fantasy league exhaustion: the Super Bowl. Grantland, which is the site of some of my favorite Bachelor recaps as well as the inspiration for this league, always refers to Courtney Robertson as the Bill Bellichick of Bachelor contestants because of the incredible savvy but also inarguably devious way in which she played the game. I love that comparison because it's just so apt. Just like Courtney, I loathe Bill Bellichick but almost to the point where I enjoy hating him, where I would miss him if he were gone. So this week, I took a little time matching this year's contestants to their Super Bowl spirit animals, to the Seahawks and Patriots these teary-eyed, skinny-dipping, cleavage-flaunting ladies resemble best. So, in no particular order...

Whitney - Russel Wilson: Russel Wilson is known for being classy, charismatic, and overall, above the dramatic fray that sometimes plagues his mouthy defensive corps. The only way he and Whitney could be any more alike would be if Wilson was known for calling plays in a surprisingly high-pitched voice.

I can't remember the exact quote from this famous
 sideline interview, but I think it was something along
the lines of: "This is a date for bimbos."

Kelsey - Richard Sherman: Notorious for running his mouth to reporters and generally reviled by opponents, there's nonetheless something that remains likable about both Kelsey and Sherman. Both seem to be more intelligent than their choices would suggest, and, in both cases, I think it will ultimately be their talent for the game that makes them worth hating.

Juelia - Derrick Coleman: As one of only three deaf people to ever make it to the NFL, Derrick Coleman is widely considered an inspiration. However, like Juelia, what most people really know about him are the unlikely odds and personal challenges that he has overcome. Given that he ostensibly contributed to last year's Super Bowl victory. he's also likely a very good player. And I have to think right now Juelia's wishing we knew a bit more about the person she is who's likely shaped but not defined by her tragedy.

Toss in a few sequins, lose the pants,
and it has Katie Perry costume written
all over it.

Kardashley - Katie Perry: Though I hate to do anything that would make Kardashley pleased, Katie Perry is really the only possible option. Who else would present her with the opportunity to parade around in a sparkly princess gown constructed from Bellichick's discarded hoodies? How else could she complain ad nauseum about how she does not play football.

Britt - Percy Harvin: An amazingly talented player with more potential than he ever lived up. Sadly this means the outlook is not so good for Britt. After being one of the heroes of last year's game (and you all know that old football saying "last year's Super Bowl is only as good as a first impression rose. Terry Bradshaw says it all the time), Percy Harvin's diva-like behavior got him cut from the team (technically traded, but we'll probably have to wait for this year's Bachelor in Paradise for that to be an option for Britt.

Samantha: Jimmy Garrapolo: Jimmy Garrapolo is New England's backup quarterback and, much like Samantha, I know absolutely nothing about him. Because he is a backup quarterback...for Tom Brady.

Maggie, this one is for you.

Kaitlyn - Rob Gronkowski: This one is something of a no-brainer. Kaitlyn and Gronk both are known for being goofily charming, fun-loving, and somewhat crass. I have no doubt that if Kaitlyn broke her forearm (or whatever the Bachelor equivalent would be. Broken vagina? Broken misplaced sense of pride?), this Bachelor squad would be in a much sadder place.

Seems like this "Gal" was
probably on Brad Womack's
season or something...

Nikki - Sea Gal: Given she's from New York, and it would likely be a cruelty worse than death to force her to root for the Patriots, I'm nominating Nikki to be part of the terribly named Sea Gals cheerleading squad (It would perhaps be marginally better if the team was named the Seattle Seagulls, but their not. Unless the team is implying that the cheerleaders are the equivalent of the annoying birds that generally found squawking and stealing our picnic fare at the beach?). And fun fact about the cheerleaders who will be adorning the sidelines of this year's Super Bowl: One of the Patriot's cheerleaders is in the process of getting her PhD in Neuroscience. That officially means that if you take professional cheerleading and appearing on The Bachelor, the one that glorifies gratuitous nudity and the shaking of glittery pom-poms isn't the lowest common denominator.

Jade - LaGarette Blount: LaGarette Blount started this season as a running back for the Steelers where he was generally pretty terrible and barely got a chance to play. It took coming back to the Patriots for his season to take off. In her previous life, Jade was apparently a Playmate (that's why their are never any pictures of her on the blog. I'm too scared to run the gauntlet of naked photos of her that the internet surely consists of), and it wasn't until joining the legion of mess cadets on The Bachelor that she emerged as classy and demure.

Becca - Julian Edelman: Because being Jewish in the NFL is roughly as likely as being a virgin on the Bachelor. And, because I'm a big Edelman fan, I suspect if he found himself forced to discuss his faith with his teammates on the field, he'd treat it with Becca's class and subtlety rather than as an attention grab a la Kardashley.

Megan - Stephen Gostokowski: So, Stephen Gostokowski is the Patriot's kicked and it's probably pretty inarguable that he's essential to the team. That being said, part of me feels, like Megan, he almost seems to be playing an entirely different sport than anyone else.

Pat Patriot wants to know if you
believe in aliens.

Mackenzie - Pat Patriot: Because seemingly, Mackenzie's brain is also made primarily of polyfoam.

Ashley S. - Marshawn Lynch: Off the field, Marshawn Lynch is perhaps best known for giving incredibly terse, almost comically rude press conferences. Though interacting with the press is part of any football player's job, his ineptitude at doing just that has led some to speculate that Lynch suffers from acute social anxiety. It has also led others to speculate that he's just a bit of a dick. We'll probably never really know the truth behind the odd behavior of either Ashley S. or Lynch. But regardless of the reason, the phobia, the chemical interaction, in both cases it just really feels like something we shouldn't be covering on TV.

Carly - The 12th Man: CenturyLink Field, the Seahawks' stadium is supposed to be an incredibly loud place to play. So loud, in fact, that they have dubbed their crowd "the 12th man" for their ability to impact the play. I've never been to CenturyLink Field, but I have no doubt that the crowd is both noisome and enthusiastic (and that there is always at least one guy with an ironic, waxed handlebar moustache). And yet, I remain not only skeptical of but almost slightly annoyed by their claim that they can consistently impact the play. And that's how I feel about Carly...if we replace "they play" with Chris's heart.

Jillian - Tom Brady: Because no matter what anyone says, this week, Jillian bears the primary responsibility for deflating Chris's balls.

Week 2, The Scores

	Amber – 30 Eliminated +5 for crying +10 for referencing her connection with Chris +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +5 for a deliberate double entendre about goats milk Important Info: So, in general, I have no issue whatsoever with the Bachelor kissing pretty much whomever he wants. It's the nature of the show. And Mackenzie's mini meltdown about it was yet another sign of her extreme youth. But Amber's validation of Chris' choices - that he's kissing everyone because he's trying to find a wife - seemed a bit, well, wrong. Otherwise, at least 7 out of every 10 marriages would be the result of putting in some serious time at a charity kissing booth.
	Kardashley - 35 +5 for crying +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +15 for complaining about Jillian to Chris. Bold move. Important Info: You guys may need to keep me honest with the scoring for Kardashley here because I have developed a strong distaste for her. All I can say is that she would be well-advised not to spend too much time crying in the week's to come as it caused some rather serious maintenance issues.
	Ashley S. – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: somebody seems to have gotten her meds better calibrated this week. While I'm relieved, you have to this that, despicably, the producers won't force the issue of Chris keep her around for too much longer.
	Becca – 55 +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing her connection with Chris +10 for referencing her parents' beautiful, beautiful love +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness Important Info: Part of me is tempted to  award Becca points for awkward hugging in a group date setting, but...I think I would have felt better about commending her for her refusal to participate in the smooching parade if she hadn't felt the need to make a whole big thing about it.
	Britt - 15 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a  group date setting Important Info: Britt is in serious need of a one-on-one date in the very near future. As it stands, there's some concern she is developing a deeper connection with Jillian than she is with Chris. Unless there's some lost footage somewhere on the cutting room floor of Britt advocating for some of Chris' moves to be translated into slo-mo as well....
	Carly – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for winning the farm relay race Important Info: While I certainly prioritize winning a complex, multi-stepped farm-themed relay race above winning a 30 minute tractor race in downtown Los Angeles in the scoring, it's important to note that Chris does not necessarily prioritize this in his quest for a wife. I always quite enjoy the huffy reactions prompted by the winner of the egg-on-spoon race/volleyball game/friendship bracelet making competition fails to get a rose.
	Jade – 30 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +15 for clearly invading Chris' thoughts enough to cause him to call Jimmy Kimmel by her name. Important Info: ...Or maybe she and Jimmy just sort of look alike? If you tilt your head just right and you squint?
	Jillian – 35 +5 for a rose +20 for kissing in a group date setting x the hot tub bonus Bonus: +10 for wearing a "Stay Classy" shirt...while just generally being her. I just can't not. Important Info: So, obviously Jillian is not long for this show given that Chris was willing to say less than flattering things about her to one of the other girls, but I continue to enjoy her. Could she have handled the whole hottub invasion better than she did? Sure. But I still found myself fully supporting her reaction to Kardashley's and her cadre's nearly incomprehensible alone time mental math.
	Juelia – 30 +5 for a rose +5 for crying +10 for making Chris cry +10 for revealing a personal tragedy, which interestingly, seems to have happened off camera.  Important Info: Juelia's history is both tragic and harrowing. But I can't help thinking she's not ready to be on this show. Or maybe it's just that I feel like people who have been through what she's been through should never be ready for this kind of show.
	Kaitlyn – 55 +20 for a date rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a hottub bonus +15 for having Chris comment on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for making Chris squirm by claiming she has done weirder than engage in Jimmy's condiment-related fetishes Important Info: Her one-on-one date vacillated between delightful banter and the kind of self-aware discussion of how fun their normal-ness was together than generally leaves me cold. It seems like their interactions in the future could go either way. Let's hope Jimmy's absence doesn't tip the balance in favor of the annoying and stilted.
	Kelsey – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: My only thought on Kelsey this week is, maybe she shouldn't be so keen on moving to Iowa either. Counselor jobs are hard to find these days!
	Mackenzie – 25 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for tattling on Jillian to the rest of the girls +10 for awkwardly asking Chris why he was kissing everyone else. Important Info: Although backing off with the cleverly crafted, "Yeah, no. I was just curious" was a pretty brilliant cover for her ill-conceived misstep.
	Megan – 15 +5 for a rose +10 for referencing her connection with Chris Important Info: A connection that was apparently so strong that by the end of the episode, she was expressing fears that he had forgotten about her.
	Nikki – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Nikki was allowed to talk this week! She celebrated by saying absolutely nothing of note.
	Samantha – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Given they were weirdly cagey about showing which girl would get the one-on-one date next week, I'm guessing she will be the lone girl to get sent home. I'm also guessing that she will be Samantha.

Tracy – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Tracy seems to be wreaking all kinds of havoc with my formatting on this post, so I'm not entirely sad to see her go. But kudos to her, regardless, for going out with class. Though it is obviously to the detriment of any of you who drafted her that she couldn't manage to at least squeeze out a few tears! Trina – 0 Important Info: Though you made a brave effort with your 80's fabulous-ness this week, you are a grave disappointment to me, Trina, nonetheless. Whitney – 55 +5 for crying + 5 for kissing on a one-on-one +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing her connection with Chris Bonus: +5 for matching Chris' outfit with her pink shirt +10 for aggressively going after the bouquet Important Info: Anyone who has Whitney is lucky this week that I do not believe in negative points because, if I did, she would lose EVERYTHING for saying "YOLO." I suppose I should take some small comfort from the fact that it wasn't "YOPO."