Day 5, Special, Special Jobs

So, winning this year comes with a one-way ticket to Iowa and, while I'm from the Midwest and recognize that they have jobs there, I would guess it comes with, at the very least a strong invitation to quit your job. So, I guess it's not the largest of shocks that this year's crop of slavering singles doesn't feature much in the way of doctors, lawyers, and Indian Chiefs (and by Indian Chiefs, I clearly mean the generic lady-VPs and Marketing-type Executives that actually find their way onto this show from time to time). Instead, what we do have is a highly predictable but still largely amusing collection of occupations to look forward to. They include:

The Jobs that are Predictable
Seriously, every season of The Bachelor features some of these things: The make-up artists, the hair stylists, the bartenders, the teachers and fertility nurses. And did you guys read the recent New York Times article talking about how one 1/30 of the world's population is now Estheticians? No? I mean, I didn't either, but if The Bachelor dating pool is to be believed...

The Jobs that Would Basically Make up an Exciting Paper Doll or Barbie Wardrobe Collection
I'm looking at you flight attendant, fashion designer, soccer coach, and ballet teacher...and desperately hoping you just turn out to be one girl wearing different themed outfits.

The Jobs that Didn't Used to be Actual Things before Reality TV
Okay, so, yes. Technically, I know you can make a living as a WWE Diva or a plus-sized model. But is it seriously now possible to have a career as a Former NFL Cheerleader? Or a Sports Fishing Enthusiast? And if so, how does one become qualified?

The Jobs that Might not be around to go Back to
I always worry a little bit about the teachers, but this year there is an actual Guidance Counselor on the show. Even setting aside for a moment the pressing Guidance Counselor shortage plaguing our nation...would you ever want someone so clearly capable of such poor decision-making to be the one guiding your children?

The Jobs We're Going to Hear Waaaay Too Much About
We're clearly going to be hard pressed to get a moment's peace from the tragedy of the Wedding Cake Decorator who just wants a chance, for once, to fondant for herself! Unless of course, we can't hear her woeful tale over the off-key crooning of the Cruise Ship Singer.

The Jobs that are Simply Stand-Ins for "Evil Scientist"
That episode where the Cosmetics Developer and the Cadaver Tissue Saleswoman finally take over the world is going to be the most dramatic episode in Bachelor history. (Or, quite possible, the least classy episode ever of Pinky and the Brain).

Day 6, Jillian

Just because Jillian says:
"I let Mike Tyson feel my bicep and I let him dangerously close to my ear...but I still have both."
And I just can't stop thinking...Both your bicep and your ear? Both ears? Both biceps? These questions badly need answers. Damn you, ambiguous phrasing!

Day 7, Juelia

Why? Not because she so obviously loves to eat (And no, I'm not calling this woman who lives very much on the svelte side of normal, fat. Just paying her her propers for the 30% of her profile she devotes to talking about eating and food). But because in a year that's filled with stripper names (seriously: Amber, Tandra, Trina, Jade, Bo, two forms of Brittany Cinnamon, Chardonnay, Roxy McBoobs...Okay, there's a chance I made a few of those up) preppy millenial monikers (MacKenzie, Reegan, to a lesser extent Kimberly and Jillian), and the completely unremarkable, only Juelia has the guts to deliver a completely unnecessary spelling of a very common name. And isn't that what we've all come to expect from this magical program? No, isn't that what we deserve?

Day 8, An Unprecedented Fascination with Bodily Functions

I've already commented on the fact that any woman who says her biggest date fear isn't being gruesomely murdered is a liar. But I have yet to comment on the falsehood that these ladies came up with to cover up their ultimate fear. And that is an omission that cannot be allowed to stand. For when asked what their biggest date fear was. For a survey. That they knew would be made public. Nearly 1/3 of these women came up with some form of bodily function (Yes, I counted. And yes, I'm sure my parents are very proud). Sure, some of them made mention of body odor or sweating (which is a little hard for me to buy as a fear, as I pretty much take some light sweating as a given when faced with anything as stressful as a date. Or a job interview. Or checking emails on a Tuesday), but mostly, they went for the full frontal vulgar with violent gas, diarrhea and one very special mention of "di-di." Now, I'm not saying that stomach discomfort is, in any way, to be coveted while on a date, but if the sheer thought of experiencing it sends you into convulsions of terror, shouldn't mentioning it to the rest of the country register ever so slightly higher on the embarrassment scale as well?

Day 9, Brit

I'm calling it right now. Brit isn't here for the right reasons. How do I know? Well, it took some careful sleuthing and just a little bit of reading between the lines. But ultimately, the facts speaks for themselves.

Brit is a waitress. Which, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I like waitresses. I trust them with one of the things that matters most to me in the world and, as a result, even suffer from a strange compulsion to befriend them and win their approval (It's a family trait. My father has always been one of those schmooze-y patrons who can't pass up a good name tag. "Well, Sandy. What would you recommend?"). But clearly Brit has aspirations of a different life. She mentions paying off her college loans, and her favorite authors include David Foster Wallace and Dave Eggers (and lest you think she just turned to the "D" page of whose who in critically celebrated but ultimately fairly depressing authors, she shows evidence of actually know who both these men are). Oh, and one more, less judgey thing: Did I mention she lives in Hollywood?* Outside of the wrestler and the ridiculous country singer guy, I generally don't buy into that whole "not here for the right reasons" thing because it seems like a crutch used to take down whichever spindly-legged fawn the more predatory girls have chosen to dislike. But, when someone's resume is doing that loud of a job screaming "I want to be an actress," don't you think there should maybe be some kind of screener to weed her out of the pack?

*Please note: I'm not counting her ombred hair as meaningful evidence. Though I have considered the possibility that my theory is way of base and, after seeing their impressive handiwork with Andi, Brit is simply angling for a bit of follicular TLC

Day 10, Michelle

I'm looking forward to Michelle because I sense she knows how the game is meant to be played. Sure, she's a wedding cake decorator, which practically means we're guaranteed a package in which she talks about seeing all the happy couples whilst wistfully wishing that it could FINALLY happen to her despite the fact that she is all of 25. But she also had the good sense to really swing for the fences when asked about her perfect date. Unlike all the poor saps who thought it wise to angle for nothing more than a "romantic picnic in the park" or "anything so long as it's with someone I really love" (because, surprise girls, "anything" translates to "immersed blindfolded in a shark tank" in producer speak), Michelle was savvy enough to set herself up for a unexpected trip to Hawaii and a helicopter ride over volcanoes. (Obviously, she'll have to settle for whatever island nation's rainy season corresponds with taping, but I'm sure it will feel just like Hawaii if she packs enough layers).

After so many predictable seasons, it's just always nice to have a few girls with the wherewithal to work the system, and based on her profile, Michele shows grand potential to be that girl. Either that, or she'll be sent packing by week 3 after scaring Chris off with a customized, three-tiered wedding cake in the shape of his own face.

Day 11, Juan Pablo and Nikki's Televised, Public Reconciliation Followed by their Even More Televised, Public Break-Up

First of all, Merry Christmas everyone! If this image doesn't fill your heart with holiday cheer, well, you probably just haven't had enough eggnog yet.

Second of all, look, I don't know everything. I don't know how something becomes "more televised" than anything else. I don't know how Dr. Jenn Berman hasn't been stripped of her doctorate for the PhD equivalent of deliberate malpractice. I don't know why America hasn't banded together to deprive these two despicable people of their continued day in the sun. But I do know that this will happen. And if Chris Harrison has anything to say about it, it will not be taking place on ABC. 

Day 12, Kaitlyn

If Kaitlyn here could be a fictional character, apparently, she'd choose April O'Neil. Setting aside the obvious concerns, like having to hang out in the sewers, befriend not just angsty turtles but also rats, and be played by Megan Fox in the most recent movie of your life, I'd say she's well on her way. For when asked how she'd approach a man she'd never met before, Kaitlyn here says: "I'd walk right up to him and just say 'Good, and you?'" And if that's not some crack investigative journalism, well then, I just don't know what is!

Day 13, Chris vs. Chris

Look at these two fine gentleman, both tan and well-coiffed and, for some reason, I'm envisioning boasting chests as smooth as a freshly botoxed housewife. And yet it would seem that the similarities end there. Because while  Harrison might experience a degree of reality television success most Midwestern farmers could only dream of, he can't possibly go blow for blow with Soules when it comes to manliness. And I've gotta imagine that's bound to sting a little bit.

Harrison has made his career out of maintaining a smug sense of betterness. He's the guy who believes in love when all the other guys choose to treat it like trash. The guy whose intentions are pure, but whose romantic needs don't extend to slumming it in the reality dating pool. And yet here's a guy, a guy with the same name who has the potential to somehow be superior to him. And that's just gotta rub Harrison the wrong way.

I have no doubt that Chris Harrison will manage to maintain his air of distant chumminess that he reserves for all Bachelor men. He is a consummate professional (especially if we all just agree to forget about Juan Pablo's season for a little bit), but I like to think that the half smile he has going on in the photo above can be considered something of a tell (I also like to think Soules has just made a bit of a dig about Harrison's manicured hands - something cutting yet charmingly naive like "Oh my Gosh! I didn't even know if was possible to go through life without a single callous!") and that we are in for a subtly petulant season ahead.

Day 14, Megan

Also known as the shining beacon of hope who maybe proves to be the first ever contestant to correctly use the word literally? When asked what she can't live without, where most women went with a combination of family, faith, hope, love, and those all important staples like Mountain Dew and Chapstick, Megan went with "water."

Day 15, LIES

In a pinch, I would have also accepted
"Turns out to be un-dead" as a viable
worst date fear.

Think that sounds a little bit over dramatic? Because it's already starting. In their bio interviews, each girl was asked about what their worst date fear was and, to a woman, not one of them answered "getting murdered." Either this is the largest pack of dishonest falsehood weavers in the show's history, or not a single one of them has ever tried online dating. 

Day 16, Brittany

When I first saw Brittany, my first thought was "Waaaay too much boob" (okay, my first though was actually "Holy Boobs!" but it seems wrong to commit such blatant heresy so close to the holiday season), but then I learned that (and this is not a joke) she is apparently a diva-in-training for the WWE. At which point I promptly amended my earlier opinion to commend her on her measured and rather modest fashion approach.

Day 17, Ashley I.

Ashley I. here says that she couldn't live without mascara. And that's her prerogative, but...do we maybe think she could live with less...?

Alright, that was an unnecessarily cheap shot for a very pretty girl, but her makeup regimen doesn't seem to be the only thing Ashley I. hasn't entirely thought through. 

Exhibit A: Ashley I. would be happy if she never had to woke up before 10 am. Which maybe just falls ever so slightly short of making it clear to me why she wants to date a farmer.

Exhibit B: Ashley I. once "decided to try out being a cougar." Which apparently didn't work out because "he was sooo immature and had her pay for everything." Ashley I. is 26, which is too young to be a cougar, but certainly old enough to know that most 13-year olds don't have disposable income. 

Exhibit C: If Ashley I. won the lottery, she would buy a permanent room on a cruise ship that she could use at any time. Which...I'm not opposed to frequent cruises (except for in that vague, I recognize I'm meant to care about the environment kind of a way), but she does know that cruises move...right?

Day 18, Watching Women Milk Cows in High Heels

Because there's just no way this isn't going to happen, right?

Day 19, Nicole

So, I'll admit it. I'm prone to judging books by their covers. And when I first saw Nicole's picture, at least a part of me thought, "yikes."  Not because she's in anyway unattractive - quite the opposite. She's lovely, has beautiful porcelain skin, and doesn't appear to be too overdone - but because her smile seems to be less a product of joy and more clenching down so hard that she's at real risk of cracking a molar if the photographer doesn't "take the damn picture already."

But then I read her profile, and I have to say I'm something of a convert. She gracefully mentions Jessica Rabbit and her sex appeal while taking care to point out how very different she and Jessica are (she fails to point out how appalling like creepy that this grown woman-cum-sexpot has somehow wound up married to a rabbit, but I'll overlook that just this once). And she also drops several inalienable truths:
  1) "Wolves are badass." Yes, Nicole. Yes they are.
  2) "Being married means having a best friend you want to jump into the sack with." Kudos to you for not being afraid to acknowledge that sex is an important part of marriage on a show that can be ever so slightly prone to slut-shaming.
  3) "Having a date who is rude to 'the staff' is the worst." I can tell you from experience, Nicole, that it's probably slightly better than having a date who doesn't have staff to be rude to, but only ever so slightly, so I'll give you the points nonetheless.

Day 20, Mackenzie

So...in case her very trendy 90's name wasn't a giveaway, Mackenzie is young.  And sure, age is just a number and it's entirely possible that her life experiences have endowed her with a maturity that is well beyond her years, but, well....Mackenzie is too young.

For a simple illustration, let's take her favorite movie Mean Girls (which is somehow celebrating its 10th anniversary, and has clearstood the test of time in a way Lindsay Lohan has not). When Mean Girls came out, Chris was perhaps a year out of college, proving himself as a man and revolutionizing the family businesses with his sexy but dangerous agribusiness ideas (I assume). I imagine he probably didn't see the movie right away, busy as he was being an adult and devoting his free time to building his own house, but when he did, I'm sure he admired Tina Fey's attractive brain more than anything else. When Mackenzie saw Mean Girls on the other hand, I imagine she admired Amanda Seyfried's already developed breasts and wondered if being a big kid was really that hard. And I'm in no way calling her flat-chested or mocking her intellectual capacity - merely pointing out the rather disconcerting truth that when the movie came out, Mackenzie was literally in 5th grade.

Day 21, Learning More About Other People's Faith

Hate to ruin the miracle, but turns out, that's not blood.
It's mascara

The Bachelor has always had an interesting relationship with religious faith. Religious piety is as central to the show's hypocrisy as it likely is to its cross-country appeal. Though his last name is Soules, I'm not sure that Chris' religious affiliation or depth of faith has yet been made clear. But this certainly hasn't stopped these girls from coming out swinging right out of the gate (much as the six months hiatus from blogging has not stopped me from mixing my metaphors). The good news is, I'm already learning. Because if these girls' bios and their lists of the items they could never live without are to be believed, then nothing pairs quite as well with the Bible as a curling iron and a pound of slap.

Day 22, Ashley S,

According to her bio, Ashley S. here is a hairstylist. While it isn't exactly hard to believe that a hairstylist would somehow make her way onto The Bachelor, it is a little bit surprising to see one with hair that looks every bit as newscaster-y as mine is every time I leave the hair salon. I guess Ashley at least wins points for truth in advertising!

Day 23, Bo

 I want to be on Team Bo. After all, she's one of the few somewhat normal-sized women that has appeared on this show in years. While she loses points on the normalcy scale by being a plus-sized model (also on the Tyra Banks Scale of Jumpsuit Smize-a-Fierce-itude - Tyra's long-standing determinant of modeling potential), she's also a world-ranked surfer, so it's hard not to think she's probably pretty cool. That being said, when asked which three people she would choose to have lunch with living or dead, she answered: "Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mother Teresa. A feast so we could all get down. Food is bonding, and every woman loves food!"

I have to believe that Mother Teresa
would ask some very probing questions
about all of this.

I'm not going to argue that those women probably love food (particularly Mother Teresa who, at the very least, devoted her life to making sure other people to have it), but Bo's response certainly raises at least a couple of questions for me. For example, why is Mother Teresa listed third? Did she perhaps list Beyonce and Rihanna and then realize she had come up with a rather shallow list? Do we think it sullies Mother Teresa's memory that she is now used as a shortcut for depth or would she view that as just another component of her life of service to the (in this case, mentally) destitute? Could Bo not erase and re-order her list once she realized her error? Do they make them fill out their questionnaires in pen or is that yet another black mark against Bo in the reasonableness record book? I suppose it's at least a good reminder that questionable decision-making isn't always symptomatic of a pressing need for a cheeseburger.

Day 24, The Worst Night One Twist in Bachelor History

Over the years, this series has produced some truly terrible twists. There have been painfully staged camp outs in the desert followed by the desperate pleading of past contestants for whom two seasons of embarrassment could never be enough. There have been contestants arriving late on helicopters, horseback, and steroids. But I'm not sure anything can quite compete with the anticlimax that has been promised this year. 

(This is perhaps technically a spoiler, but one so stupid that I'm not even sure there's anything left to spoil). 15 women will arrive in their limos. And then later. 15 more women. That's right, a totally expected number of people will be arriving in zanily unexpected time intervals. 

I know I'm claiming excitement now when I'm feeling all refreshed by the months off and the disgusting amazing-ness of Bachelor in Paradise, but seriously, if this twist is a preview of the excitement to come, but mid season this blog will just be pictures of farming equipment coupled with <insert words here>.

The Bachelor Advent Calendar

Yet another year, and yet another need to count down to the mounting excitement for what is undoubtedly the most exciting holiday of the year (after Arbor Day, of course): the January premier of the Bachelor! This sweet little guy is, I'm guessing, just the first of an unprecedented number of baby farm animals that we will be treated to on the upcoming season, rivaled for screen time only by amber waves of grain, cliches about the Midwest, and, one assumes, gratuitous footage of Chris operating heavy machinery while shirtless (Despite what the warning labels recommend. You think a nipple can't get caught in a baler?).

Look out for a new post every day between tomorrow and the season premier as I countdown the things I'm looking forward to about this year's season while, perhaps exposing entirely too much about my love of flannel. I hope you'll all join me as we gear up for our 8th season of the Bachelor/ette Fantasy League!