The Date: AshLee's Hometown in Houston
What AshLee's Father was Thinking: "Oh, yeah, tough guy? You think it was a bad idea for me to let me daughter get married when she was 17? Well, since you're the one who's doing all of this valuable thinking, why don't you tell me what you'd advise I should do vis-a-vis my daughter wanting to marry a guy who she's known for four months and who is also dating three other broads?" (Oh wait, did AshLee say her father was a pastor? Because apparently I heard old-timey gangster)What AshLee's ex-husband was Thinking: "I need a drink. As if it's not bad enough to watch your ex date someone new, as if it's not bad enough to watch her make out with some other guy on a beach, and to hear her repeatedly say that she's never actually loved anyone outside of her family before, now being married to me is being placed on par with this country's ailing foster care system? I seriously need a drink."
What AshLee's High School English Teacher was Thinking: "Well, I've pretty much failed in my life's work. At least now I don't have to feel guilty about meeting AshLee's ex-husband for that drink."
The Date: Catherine's Hometown in Seattle
What Catherine's Grandma was Thinking: "Something about the way this man treats my granddaughter reminds of how men used to treat women in my day, and not in a good way... Aw, but screw it. Have you seen his delts?"
What Catherine's Sisters were Thinking: "We need to get her out of this ridiculous gig. What types of things do men dislike? Messiness? Intense focus? Man, I wish Grandma were out here. She'd know just what to say." (Okay, sidebar. I realize that Catherine's sisters totally sandbagged her hometown date, but I do fully believe they did it because they think this process is a crock and they knew they couldn't convince Catherine to cut bait. That being said, they must have had no clue that Catherine would go on national television and air their father's struggles with mental illness - otherwise, I cannot imagine them thinking it was a good idea to essentially describe her as bipolar.)What the Pike Place Market Fish Guys were Thinking: "Aw man. We're not going to be able to sell this fish after some random guy has touched it. Oh, but wait. Is that a camera? He must be someone famous. Now that we've had someone famous fondling the merchandise, we can totally sell it on ebay for a profit. But sheesh, Ralphie from A Christmas Story turned out a lot beefier than I would have expected."
The Date: Lindsay's Army Base HometownWhat Lindsay's Brother was Thinking: "Seriously, Lindsay? You know that adolescence is tough, right? Especially for Army brats? And you know that I already spend about 90% of my time surrounded by men who could literally kill me with a single muscle-bound finger? So, do you think maybe next time you bring someone home you could go for a sensitive nerd? Or maybe a hipster in skinny jeans? Anyone who's not quite so Adonis-esque? Oh well, at least the kids at school will get to see me talk on TV and stuff."
What Lindsay's Dad was Thinking: "Come on, Mark. Don't give in to those big baby blues. Keep it together man - you've already promised the man your daughter now must...protect...the launch codes."
What the U.S. Army was Thinking: Who am I kidding? No one in the army was watching this show.
The Date: Desiree's Hometown in L.A.
What Desiree's Fake Boyfriend was Thinking: "This is it. This is my big break. Next stop Bachelor Pad and then it won't be too long until I'm a star of stage and screen. Man, I better practice my Oscar
speech when I get home tonight."
What Desiree's Brother was Thinking: The same thing everyone else is thinking about The Bachelor pretty much all the time.
What Desiree's Brother's High School English Teacher was Thinking: "Well, at least someone was paying attention on the day I went over the word 'reciprocation.'"
* Although I reserve the right to continue to complain about Sean in a separate post. That guy was terrible this week!
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