With the tear-soaked dismissal of Tierra, Sean has a legitimately nice group of girls. I pretty much hate everything about home town dates - they're boring, the families never stick the their guns (which are generally loaded with ammunition of reasonable concern), and it's really difficult for the bachelor/ette to send someone home afterwards without it being an awkward social commentary about religion or taxidermy - but at least the odds of Sean meeting with a "tragic accident" somewhere in the Denver backwoods have decreased considerably.
That being said, as nice as these girls may seem, I'm not sure Sean has completely set himself up for a life of marital bliss. In their own small ways, each of these women still gives me pause for concern, so here, in order of potential for regret, are this week's ladies:
Tierra - Clearly, Sean finally saw through Tierra's evil ways and freed himself from a life of drama and perpetual victim-hood. But Sean doesn't realize the very real, very serious danger that he has been in. For in the week's episode, Tierra pulled aside the curtain and told us to pay attention to the unassuming man (to be played by James Franco) who was standing behind it. Because Tierra finally revealed that the true nexus of control for her craziness lay not with her, but with her eyebrows. I hadn't really entertained the notion of The Bachelor going the way of a soap opera before (although wouldn't that be amazing if next season there was an evil twin, and mid-season face-swapping plastic surgery?), but it's pretty clear that Tierra isn't just an attention-seeking hussy. She's possessed.
We've been spending the whole season complaining about Tierra and her uninspired antics when really we should have been celebrating her heroism. She's clearly been fighting the good fight, going after the dastardly eyebrows with all the strength her tiny body would allow her to throw behind a pair of tweezers. And in return for her unwillingness to yield, the eyebrows have pushed her up a flight of stairs, made her loathsome to everyone around her, and refused to provide adequate coverage to her brow-ridge (which everyone knows is the easiest place for hypothermia to set in). And poor Tierra has not caved.
Let's face it though - if Sean had stuck with her, it would only be a matter of time until the eyebrows turned on him. First it would have come out in subtle ways. The eyebrows would have manipulated Tierra's emotions (as they are wont to do), turning her into a petulant, sobbing mess each time he suggested an activity that involved warm temperatures, humidity, or other people. Then slowly, they'd turn on her hormones, making "withholding sex" seem like the most appropriate of punishments for any number of Sean's imagined slights. Then finally, emboldened by the power of a fresh human soul, the eyebrows would make their move. And one day Sean would wake up to find Tierra no longer beside him, replaced instead with a powerful headache, a slight itchy sensation just north of his eyebrows, and a whisper - almost soft enough to be a memory - of Tierra's malicious laugh.
AshLee - I'm concerned about AshLee. She's a little bit too emotional and she's a little bit too brittle, and I think she's least well-equipped to cope with the inevitable symptoms of rose withdrawal. In this episode when she said "I love this man and will never stop loving him," I really just wanted to hug her and say, "Oh lady. You probably should."
Desiree - We've heard an awful lot about just how special Desiree is from the woman herself. She's certainly pretty. She gets along well with other girls. (Which, by the way, I loved Tierra telling AshLee that all of the girls have talked about her behind her back. I am sure that is true. And why don't we get to see that? How much more fun would The Women Tell All be if they were each confronted with the cattiness of the women that they thought were their friends). You'd never lack for conversation when you were around her since she's always so content to sing her own praises. But while we know everything there is to know about why Dez loves herself, we've heard very little about why she loves Sean (or maybe we've heard a lot about it. I don't know, you guys. At this point if no one's crying or dropping bleeped out effenheimers all over the place, I'm kinda having a hard time paying attention). And that makes me suspect that Desiree might be in it to win it, rather than in it to get her man.
Catherine - I don't know. It just seems like she might be kinda into Lesley.
Lindsay - If history has provided any valuable lessons for aspiring Bachelors, it's that, no matter who you choose, this process doesn't really work. (I'm sorry, Chris Harrison! Please don't send rose-tattoo'ed goons to my house to make me pay for this insolence). I think it was sweet that Sean's sister was pushing him not to choose the girl that nobody likes - and certainly those girls have caused some of the ugliest public break-ups - but let's face it, choosing the girls that no one likes has the exact same success rate as choosing the sweet "girl next door," or choosing the girl whose giant heart is only surpassed in size by her fake boobs, or choosing the race car widow with a daughter and a penchant for sparkly short shorts. Not one of the Bachelors has wound up with the girl he's gone to the trouble of proposing to at the end of the show, so let's face it, it probably doesn't matter who Sean picks. But as long as we're making lists....hey, Sean - maybe don't choose the girl who you just really want to sleep with. That never works out.
Lesley - I clearly don't need to tell Sean why Leslie would be a bad choice - he's already sussed it out for himself. And I feel bad for Lesley. Despite her hatred for all things DC (and her declared dislike of nerds which is just dumb. Everybody's nerdy about something - it's not like the DC metro is akin to ComicCon or the Renaissance Faire), Lesley seemed like a normal, cool, reasonably intelligent girl. But seriously - it's not like a didn't warn her last week - if you want to stay in the game with Sean, you've got to feed the tragedy boner (which might be the worst mixed metaphor/mental image one-two punch of all times. Apologies!). When Sean said he didn't feel like their relationship was progressing quickly enough, he clearly meant that he needed to know about Lesley's criminal past, her battle with consumption, her skinned knee at the age of two. When Lesley did that awkward thing where she wanted to tell him that she loved him and then completely chickened out, you could tell that Sean was assuming the position, bracing for the personal tragedy he was expecting to come spilling out of her mouth. But yet again, he was left with emotional equivalent of blue balls, and it was really this lack of crazy that got Lesley sent home.
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