Episode 9, Closing Arguments: On AshLee

Sarah and I had an interesting conversation this week during which I had seen this week's episode and she had not. As she presented her thoughts on who she believed Sean should pick, it occurred to me that, because I accidentally saw spoilers before the season even started, I have not put one iota for thought into who I thought Sean should actually wind up with. So this week, instead of recapping something that I very much hope you all watched only out of the corner of your eye as you made pasta, or refurbished an antique coffee table, or darned socks (by the way, in my hopes you're also all apparently very crafty and domestic), I will present my closing arguments for why Sean should pick each girl.

And so, in a format I imagine is not unlike what Sean will scribble in the obligatory shirtless journal-writing scene that I'm sure will make an appearance in next week's finales, here's my thoughts on why he should pick the girl that's already out of the running, AshLee:

Pro: Sean loves feeling like her protector
Con: AshLee was broken until Sean healed her...but now she's probably broken again

There's no doubt that Sean loves being a protector. Not so much because he's defended one of the lady's honor from a nefarious lothario with ill-intentions, or because he prevented a bear attack, or even because he carries around stain guard to prevent any poorly timed red wine spills from staining (although evidence suggests that they don't allow the contestants to drink red wine), but because he was told us so multiple times. And out of all the ladies that are left, the one thing AshLee's not at great risk of is running out of things from which she needs protection.

Unfortunately for her, this week Sean discovered that the one thing he likes more than protecting enfeebled womenfolk is convincing them that he will protect them so as to better position himself to stomp on their newly hopeful hearts. I'm not saying that he should have picked AshLee. The fact that she has overcome some very real challenges in her life doesn't mean she's not a pretty bad hang. But did he really have to enable her to prattle on about abandonment issues episode after episode if he was eventually just going to abandon her?

Pro: She knows what she wants
Con: What she wants is a cushion-cut ring with a diamond band in size 6.5.

Throughout history, Bachelor contestants have been penalized harshly for failing to make their intentions clear. Did you think it was Jane Seymour and her inability to produce a male heir that accounted for Anne Boleyn's downfall?  No! It was her refusal to say that she loved King Henry VIII when they spend the night in the bear skin rug lined fantasy suite. And AshLee certainly never hesitated to make clear her feelings about Sean. But, while Bachelors seem to have man-shelters particularly well-equipped to deal with pepperings of L-bombs, men in general want just a little bit of distance. It's not that AshLee shouldn't have told him that she loved him.  But it probably wouldn't have hurt her if she had scaled back just a little bit on the talk of soul connections, and awakening her long-comatose heart, and finally learning to love.


Pro: She won't punch you in the face for making her complete trust exercises to prove her worth.
Con: She will probably snap and go all murder-y...eventually.
I think Sean actually hit a new low for me in this week's episode. I'd be a little bit impressed that he was still able to elicit such a strong reaction from me at this point in the season (hell, I'm impressed that I can still feel at all at this point of the season), if I wasn't just so grossed out. Sean knew going into his date with AshLee that she had trust issues, but he also knew that she was working really hard to get past them for him (we all knew). And yes, I believe that strong relationships are built on trust, but I don't think it necessarily follows that the best way to build trust with someone is to unnecessarily subject them to something that they know they're going to hate. The whole blindfold-guiding-trust thing certainly wasn't my favorite moment from this season's episodes, but at least it was something driven by AshLee rather than forced upon her by a man who, for some reason, thinks he knows better (and we all know what that reason is - because his innate powers to tell AshLee's what's best for her was endowed upon him along with his external genitalia). The fact that AshLee put up with this exercise without so much as a line of concern wrinkling her brow (although I think science may have more to do with this than AshLee's positive attitude) was at least partially redeemed by her eventual snap at the end of the episode. Not even Desiree and her righteous indignation that any man could select anyone but her came even close to matching AshLee for level of murder-y rage. And you know what, good for AshLee. While I would have loved to see her call Sean out on his poor date-planning ability earlier in the episode, I get that that's not how this show works. And at least seeing her release all that pent up rage as she beat her hasty retreat was somewhat cathartic. If only Chris Harrison had been lurking in the shadows to loan her a knife.

Pro: This isn't a game to her
Con: She gave a shocking lack of details about who it is a game to.
When will these girls ever learn that we don't really want them to go out with class?  AshLee made it quite clear that this experience wasn't a game to her, but I don't think anyone in the viewing audience had any doubt remaining in their mind about how very seriously she was taking it.  So the fact that she said that makes me believe that she thinks this is a game to at least one of the women who took her rightful place.  Both Catherine and Lindsay leave room for doubt about how seriously they take things, so why on earth didn't AshLee give us names?  How else are you going to guarantee yourself screen time on the Women Tell All? How else will you ensure that Chris Harrison will write you an invitation to spend the summer in the Bachelor Pad (which I imagine would arrive soaked in Axe Body Spray, wrapped in a condom and hand delivered by Michael Stagliano)? Why do these women insist on making unsatisfying allusions when they have nothing to lose but their dignity?  Doesn't ABC make them sign a loss of dignity waiver when they sign on for the show?

Episode 8, The Scores

	AshLee - 25 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for crying Bonus: +10 points for showing off her Electra Complex and repeatedly comparing Sean to her dad.  Although after her dad made the comment about doing "emotional damage control" for her, she might not have been totally wrong.
	Catherine - 10 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one
	Desiree - 35 Eliminated +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for crying +5 for pulling a prank Bonus: +10 for her level of confidence that her relationship was so much stronger than the other girls moments before her dumping +10 for interrupting a rose ceremony Sidebar: I award Desiree no points for the rather lengthy conversation she held with Sean after the final rose. While it was, in many ways, preferable to watching a girl in the back of the limo choking out lamentations of her own shortcomings in between sobs, I just can't handle her continued insistence on her own superiority over all other girls.
	Lindsay - 25 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for revealing her "love" for Sean

Episode 8, The Drama

The Situation: Requesting General Yenter's Permission to marry Lindsay
How Dramatic was It? Probably appropriately dramatic for asking any strange man for his permission to marry his daughter when the best case outcome is you proposing after shtupping two of her new best friends (also significantly more dramatic to googling "shtupping" to see if it is spelled with one p or two, which is apparently what my life now consists of...). Sean built up Lindsay's dad a lot in his mind and on our television screens making us believe that, because he's a general, he's going to be really scary, but actually, General Yenter's response was simultaneously totally reasonable and actually kind of sweet. I'm not sure that my dad would call consenting to my marriage the toughest question he's ever been asked, and he's not even regularly tasked with plotting evasive maneuvers, or protecting scared 18-year-olds who just want to get back to their pregnant high school sweetheart wives, or, you know, bombing things.
Who's to Blame? Sean. I'm not saying that most men wouldn't be intimidated by meeting their girlfriend's General father, but I think Sean is particularly held in thrall to all things macho, and for him, General Yenter was a paragon of masculinity that no amount of work on his biceps could ever allow him to reach. It was actually really refreshing to hear General Yenter throw that in his face and say that Sean could marry his daughter if she gave her consent. While I'm sure Sean's response was simply to make a mental note that he should cancel his plans to club Lindsay and drag her off to his cave should she dare refuse his proposal, for those of us with a slightly more nuanced view of gender dynamics, it was a refreshing reminder that to be manly one need not be a caped protector of the fairer sex.

The Situation: Desiree's prank
How Dramatic was It? Kind of dramatic. Sean clearly bought into it even though it was terribly, terribly acted. Neither Sean nor Desiree had the guts to really commit to their pranks though. Both of them pulled up pretty early on before the horror could truly sink in. Which, given that Sean has made it pretty clear on multiple occasions that he really likes pranks, shouldn't he be better at them?
Who's to Blame? The Screen Actors' Guild. Seriously, this all could have been avoided if they had just refused to give him a SAG card.

The Situation: Desiree's Brother
How Dramatic was It? It really wasn't that dramatic. For as angry as Sean was, it was pretty clear that things were never going to turn to violence, and, as I've already mentioned, Desiree's brother really didn't say anything that was unreasonable. It's not that I necessarily agree that Sean is a playboy and lacks integrity, but given the situation, it's a little bit unreasonable for him to be offended by the very valid concerns.
Who's to Blame? Probably the producers. Over the years, it seems like contestants have learned that if your family appears too skeptical, to weird, or even just too eager to avoid seeing their baby girl imprisoned in the infectious fantasy suite, then the 8 hours spent showing off the church they hope to get married in, or highlighting the natural wonders of Skokie, Illinois, or even trying on wacky hats will all be for naught. That's why each year, it seems like ABC has to do some careful prodding to make sure something happens in each hometown episode so that we're not forced to spend forty minutes watching as no one eats their food. "Tell your dad to show off his taxidermy collection" has been taken and "Have your parents decree that premarital sex will be greeted with disownment" seemed less applicable.  So "Make sure your estranged brother is there. And maybe make sure he's geared up to be aggressive" seemed to be the obvious choice.

Not actually my Grandma

The Situation: The Final Rose
How Dramatic was It? As far as this season goes, pretty dramatic. Neither Catherine nor Desiree really lived up to the "you can't change where you came from, but while the cameras are on, maybe you should just try" test, and it was debatable with which girl he had better chemistry. I definitely think that he seems slightly more fun when he's with Catherine, but the "fun vs. super attracted to" coin lands sex side up.
Who's to Blame? Sean. Unlike Ben's dismissal of Kacie, Sean didn't even bother trying to disguise that his decision was based mostly on her family. And frankly, I still don't see how questioning Sean's motives was the equivalent of doing something horrible and wrong. Heck, I have a few relatives who I'd probably trade in for someone who was so clearly protective and concerned for his sister's well-being. Especially since, outside of my Gramdmother's tramp stamp depiction of a naked lady riding a submarine, my family could use a few more tattoos.

Episode 8, The Dates

After six weeks of hearing my thoughts, I think I've probably made my opinions rather clear (And if not, here's a cheat sheet - Sean is boring and patronizing, Des is arrogant, and AshLee might be a leeeettle bit crazy). So this week, I'll take a break from my rants, from my biases and largely unfounded opinions, to provide some insights into what everyone else was thinking about the hometown dates this week.*

The Date: AshLee's Hometown in Houston

What AshLee's Father was Thinking: "Oh, yeah, tough guy? You think it was a bad idea for me to let me daughter get married when she was 17?  Well, since you're the one who's doing all of this valuable thinking, why don't you tell me what you'd advise I should do vis-a-vis my daughter wanting to marry a guy who she's known for four months and who is also dating three other broads?" (Oh wait, did AshLee say her father was a pastor? Because apparently I heard old-timey gangster)

What AshLee's ex-husband was Thinking: "I need a drink. As if it's not bad enough to watch your ex date someone new, as if it's not bad enough to watch her make out with some other guy on a beach, and to hear her repeatedly say that she's never actually loved anyone outside of her family before, now being married to me is being placed on par with this country's ailing foster care system? I seriously need a drink."

What AshLee's High School English Teacher was Thinking: "Well, I've pretty much failed in my life's work. At least now I don't have to feel guilty about meeting AshLee's ex-husband for that drink."


The Date: Catherine's Hometown in Seattle

What Catherine's Grandma was Thinking: "Something about the way this man treats my granddaughter reminds of how men used to treat women in my day, and not in a good way... Aw, but screw it. Have you seen his delts?"

What Catherine's Sisters were Thinking: "We need to get her out of this ridiculous gig. What types of things do men dislike?  Messiness? Intense focus? Man, I wish Grandma were out here.  She'd know just what to say." (Okay, sidebar.  I realize that Catherine's sisters totally sandbagged her hometown date, but I do fully believe they did it because they think this process is a crock and they knew they couldn't convince Catherine to cut bait. That being said, they must have had no clue that Catherine would go on national television and air their father's struggles with mental illness - otherwise, I cannot imagine them thinking it was a good idea to essentially describe her as bipolar.)

What the Pike Place Market Fish Guys were Thinking: "Aw man. We're not going to be able to sell this fish after some random guy has touched it. Oh, but wait. Is that a camera? He must be someone famous. Now that we've had someone famous fondling the merchandise, we can totally sell it on ebay for a profit. But sheesh, Ralphie from A Christmas Story turned out a lot beefier than I would have expected."


The Date: Lindsay's Army Base Hometown

What Lindsay's Brother was Thinking: "Seriously, Lindsay?  You know that adolescence is tough, right?  Especially for Army brats?  And you know that I already spend about 90% of my time surrounded by men who could literally kill me with a single muscle-bound finger? So, do you think maybe next time you bring someone home you could go for a sensitive nerd?  Or maybe a hipster in skinny jeans? Anyone who's not quite so Adonis-esque? Oh well, at least the kids at school will get to see me talk on TV and stuff."

What Lindsay's Dad was Thinking: "Come on, Mark. Don't give in to those big baby blues.  Keep it together man - you've already promised the man your daughter now must...protect...the launch codes."

What the U.S. Army was Thinking: Who am I kidding? No one in the army was watching this show.


The Date: Desiree's Hometown in L.A.

What Desiree's Fake Boyfriend was Thinking: "This is it. This is my big break. Next stop Bachelor Pad and then it won't be too long until I'm a star of stage and screen. Man, I better practice my Oscar
speech when I get home tonight."

What Desiree's Brother was Thinking: The same thing everyone else is thinking about The Bachelor pretty much all the time.

What Desiree's Brother's High School English Teacher was Thinking: "Well, at least someone was paying attention on the day I went over the word 'reciprocation.'"


* Although I reserve the right to continue to complain about Sean in a separate post.  That guy was terrible this week!

Episode 7, The Scores

	AshLee - 45 +5 x 2 for crying +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for revealing her "love" for Sean +5 for a rose
	Catherine - 30 + 5 for crying +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +5 for a rose
	Desiree - 25 +5 for crying +10 for kissing on a group date +5 for rose Bonus: +5 for aggressively hijacking the date
	Lesley M. - 10 Eliminated +5 for crying +5 for date kissing
	Lindsay - 30 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing on a group date
	Tierra – 55 Eliminated +5 for crying +5 for kissing on a one-one one +15 for confessing her love Bonus: +5 for calling AshLee a Cougar +10 for complaining about a date +5 for blaming the first impression rose for her never-ending saga when talking to Sean +15 for blaming her eyebrow when talking to AshLee

Episode 7, The Drama

The Situation: Tierra's fight with AshLee
How Dramatic was it? It was pretty dramatic. You could tell just how dramatic it was by the extent to which each girl spoke with her hands.
Who's to Blame? Tierra and AshLee were both equal parts to blame for this. And while the producers may have had a hand in coaxing the rage out of Tierra (who, let's face it, isn't in need of much coaxing) just in time for Sean's "impromptu" visit, I actually think this fight was refreshingly legitimate. Both girls talked in complete circles and said things that didn't make sense (my favorite being Tierra's "You did not just say those words out of your mouth." Clearly, Tierra was disconcerted because she's so used to talking out of her ass). Both girls cared about nothing so much as getting the last word in. It was an unchoreographed, unproductive example of two humans who simply don't like each other, and, while I don't want to watch 40 minutes of it come Women Tell All, it was kind of nice in the midst of this season that's been driven by largely unamused medics and carefully staged emotional minefields.


The Situation: Sean Taking Pictures of the Girls without their Makeup
How Dramatic was it? Okay, it wasn't dramatic at all, but I forgot to mention it in my post about Sean, and it was such a good example of his disgusting chauvinism!
Who's to Blame? Sean's to blame. Sean will always, always be to blame in situations like this. It would have been one thing if it was yet another boyish prank, or even if he creepily wanted pictures of them while they were sleeping (yes, I've reached the point where I'd prefer creepy stalker Sean to actual Sean). But he took pictures of them because he wanted to see them without their makeup on.  As if he was going to hand out the final rose and then say to Lesley, "Yes, babe. I did say that I would love to meet your family on our date. But I had no idea you had such an oily T-zone."


The Situation: Tierra Being Sent Home
How Dramatic was it? Mostly pretty dramatic.  They did reasonably nice work to make it seem like Sean was contemplating giving her a rose on the spot. It would have been better, though, if I had ever been convinced that Sean had any feelings toward Tierra besides mildly exasperated disinterest.

Who's to Blame? I'm pretty sure they brought Sean's sister in to "convince" him to let her go, so all Sean really did was move up the schedule by half a day. Though Tierra's incredibly well-timed sobbing could have been to blame for the acceleration (how she ever managed to eke out her most dramatic gasps exactly as Sean walked in the door was a beautiful piece of TV magic), I'm thinking that Sean was just down to his last clean white shirt and couldn't risk ruining another one with the desperate girl's mascara at the rose ceremony.


The Situation: The Final Rose
How Dramatic was it? Not so dramatic. Sean didn't play his cards close enough to the vest on the one-on-one date interviews which was too bad because barring that, I think it could have been quite surprising. He seemed to be pretty in to all of the girls.
Who's to Blame? Again, Sean's fault. The producers tried really hard to cast doubt on AshLee (I imagine that mostly involved Chris Harrison saying something like, "Hey Sean, I heard some of the girls talking about how you really, really like drama. Maybe instead of a cocktail party, you should go out there and set them straight."), but we knew who was getting that final rose. I think they're actually 0 for 7 on rose ceremonies this year. It seems like every time they send someone home, I either already know or just simply don't care.

Episode 7, The Girls

With the tear-soaked dismissal of Tierra, Sean has a legitimately nice group of girls. I pretty much hate everything about home town dates - they're boring, the families never stick the their guns (which are generally loaded with ammunition of reasonable concern), and it's really difficult for the bachelor/ette to send someone home afterwards without it being an awkward social commentary about religion or taxidermy - but at least the odds of Sean meeting with a "tragic accident" somewhere in the Denver backwoods have decreased considerably.

That being said, as nice as these girls may seem, I'm not sure Sean has completely set himself up for a life of marital bliss. In their own small ways, each of these women still gives me pause for concern, so here, in order of potential for regret, are this week's ladies:

Tierra - Clearly, Sean finally saw through Tierra's evil ways and freed himself from a life of drama and perpetual victim-hood. But Sean doesn't realize the very real, very serious danger that he has been in. For in the week's episode, Tierra pulled aside the curtain and told us to pay attention to the unassuming man (to be played by James Franco) who was standing behind it. Because Tierra finally revealed that the true nexus of control for her craziness lay not with her, but with her eyebrows. I hadn't really entertained the notion of The Bachelor going the way of a soap opera before (although wouldn't that be amazing if next season there was an evil twin, and mid-season face-swapping plastic surgery?), but it's pretty clear that Tierra isn't just an attention-seeking hussy. She's possessed.

We've been spending the whole season complaining about Tierra and her uninspired antics when really we should have been celebrating her heroism. She's clearly been fighting the good fight, going after the dastardly eyebrows with all the strength her tiny body would allow her to throw behind a pair of tweezers. And in return for her unwillingness to yield, the eyebrows have pushed her up a flight of stairs, made her loathsome to everyone around her, and refused to provide adequate coverage to her brow-ridge (which everyone knows is the easiest place for hypothermia to set in).  And poor Tierra has not caved.

Let's face it though - if Sean had stuck with her, it would only be a matter of time until the eyebrows turned on him. First it would have come out in subtle ways.  The eyebrows would have manipulated Tierra's emotions (as they are wont to do), turning her into a petulant, sobbing mess each time he suggested an activity that involved warm temperatures, humidity, or other people. Then slowly, they'd turn on her hormones, making "withholding sex" seem like the most appropriate of punishments for any number of Sean's imagined slights. Then finally, emboldened by the power of a fresh human soul, the eyebrows would make their move. And one day Sean would wake up to find Tierra no longer beside him, replaced instead with a powerful headache, a slight itchy sensation just north of his eyebrows, and a whisper - almost soft enough to be a memory - of Tierra's malicious laugh.

AshLee - I'm concerned about AshLee. She's a little bit too emotional and she's a little bit too brittle, and I think she's least well-equipped to cope with the inevitable symptoms of rose withdrawal. In this episode when she said "I love this man and will never stop loving him," I really just wanted to hug her and say, "Oh lady.  You probably should."

Desiree - We've heard an awful lot about just how special Desiree is from the woman herself. She's certainly pretty.  She gets along well with other girls. (Which, by the way, I loved Tierra telling AshLee that all of the girls have talked about her behind her back.  I am sure that is true. And why don't we get to see that? How much more fun would The Women Tell All be if they were each confronted with the cattiness of the women that they thought were their friends). You'd never lack for conversation when you were around her since she's always so content to sing her own praises. But while we know everything there is to know about why Dez loves herself, we've heard very little about why she loves Sean (or maybe we've heard a lot about it.  I don't know, you guys. At this point if no one's crying or dropping bleeped out effenheimers all over the place, I'm kinda having a hard time paying attention). And that makes me suspect that Desiree might be in it to win it, rather than in it to get her man.

Catherine - I don't know. It just seems like she might be kinda into Lesley.

Lindsay - If history has provided any valuable lessons for aspiring Bachelors, it's that, no matter who you choose, this process doesn't really work. (I'm sorry, Chris Harrison!  Please don't send rose-tattoo'ed goons to my house to make me pay for this insolence). I think it was sweet that Sean's sister was pushing him not to choose the girl that nobody likes - and certainly those girls have caused some of the ugliest public break-ups - but let's face it, choosing the girls that no one likes  has the exact same success rate as choosing the sweet "girl next door," or choosing the girl whose giant heart is only surpassed in size by her fake boobs, or choosing the race car widow with a daughter and a penchant for sparkly short shorts. Not one of the Bachelors has wound up with the girl he's gone to the trouble of proposing to at the end of the show, so let's face it, it probably doesn't matter who Sean picks. But as long as we're making lists....hey, Sean - maybe don't choose the girl who you just really want to sleep with.  That never works out.

Lesley - I clearly don't need to tell Sean why Leslie would be a bad choice - he's already sussed it out for himself.  And I feel bad for Lesley. Despite her hatred for all things DC (and her declared dislike of nerds which is just dumb. Everybody's nerdy about something - it's not like the DC metro is akin to ComicCon or the Renaissance Faire), Lesley seemed like a normal, cool, reasonably intelligent girl. But seriously - it's not like a didn't warn her last week - if you want to stay in the game with Sean, you've got to feed the tragedy boner (which might be the worst mixed metaphor/mental image one-two punch of all times. Apologies!). When Sean said he didn't feel like their relationship was progressing quickly enough, he clearly meant that he needed to know about Lesley's criminal past, her battle with consumption, her skinned knee at the age of two. When Lesley did that awkward thing where she wanted to tell him that she loved him and then completely chickened out, you could tell that Sean was assuming the position, bracing for the personal tragedy he was expecting to come spilling out of her mouth. But yet again, he was left with emotional equivalent of blue balls, and it was really this lack of crazy that got Lesley sent home.

Episode 7, The Editors

Okay, so I know I've been a little bit harsh on the, probably unpaid, team of post-production editing drones this year for how they've been tripping over themselves spoiling what little drama this season has had to offer.  So I wanted to take a brief moment to celebrate their triumphs:

Whoever chose to dub the footage of Sean and AshLee writhing around on top of each other, making out on the beach with AshLee's interview clip about how much her family is going to like him is a genius.

Episode 7, The Guy

So I haven't written about Sean in awhile because asklthjawo;gha.......oh, I'm sorry. I fell asleep on the keyboard. (Lucky for me, all this thinking of thoughts about Sean led to a rather saucy dream involving shirtless Civil War re-eanacters).

Unfortunately, this week, Sean finally separated the wheat from the chaff, the sheep from the goats, the girls I don't want to punch in the face from the girls named Tierra. And that means that from here on out, the show will actually be about Sean.  So let's take a moment to check in on our favorite good ol' boy, and make sure that he still sets my teeth on edge with his Southern charm and saccharine-laced condescension.

<Spoiler alert: He does>

Here's a few of the Sean-niest moments from this week's epsiode:

What Sean said: "Because I care so much about you, I think it might be best if you go home now."
What Sean meant: "There are other women out there who are willing to sleep with me without making me work so hard."
How do I know? He gave the only date rose of the week to Lindsay.  Don't get me wrong. Lindsay's a cool girl.  But I think it's pretty clear that their "connection" has replaced the day one lust at first site Sean once felt for Tierra.

What Sean said: "I don't view you as broken. Take that word out of your vocabulary."
What Sean meant: "I don't view you as broken. Take that word out of your vocabulary," also apparently, "I am the kind of man who feels he can dictate women's vocabulary under a thin guise of niceness."
How do I know? Because those are actual words that he said (well, at least some of them).  And, in the interest of being honest and something about glass houses and stones, when my husband and I first started dating, I did make him stop using emoticons in his text.  But I feel like that was more of a public service than a gross display of misogyny.

What Sean said: "I'm not shocked that [I sent Tierra home because she had a meltdown]."
What Sean meant: "I'm not shocked that [I sent Tierra home because she had a meltdown]. The producers finally told me I could."
How do I know? I don't want to clumsily re-enact what was, hands down, the best moment of this season, but Sean pretty much awkwardly said, "Uh, wait right here," disappeared for awhile, and then came back to tell Tierra she was going home.  While you could probably argue that he left so that they could build drama and make us think he was going to give her a rose, I feel pretty confident that he went to ask his mom for permission to give Tierra the boot without subjecting his lovely sister to her awful Tierra-ness. And by his mom, I mean Chris Harrison


And speaking of Chris Harrison....

What Chris Harrison said: "All of you respect what [Sean] did with Tierra."
What Chris Harrison meant: "All of you respect what [Sean] did with Tierra.  That girl was the worst."
How do I know? Actually I don't know.  And, gun to my head, I would guess that's not what he meant. Due to his total lack of moral compass, Chris Harrison somehow manages to like and respect each contestant equally, and come Women Tell All, I'm sure he'll be sitting up there with Tierra rubbing her arm sympathetically as she, yet again, blames the other women for not finding her likable while waving her Neil-Lane-sized rock in their faces. I think what Chris Harrison probably meant was "All of you respect what [Sean] did with Tierra who was too fragile to make it through this grueling process that is not unlike, oh, say, Doctors without Borders or the Peace Corps."  And now that I write that, yuck.  No wonder he and Sean seem to get along so well.

Episodes 5 and 6, The Scores

	AshLee - 50 +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for two roses +5 for crying Bonus: + 10 for unnecessarily forcing herself to face a fear +5 for saying that she and Sean had a soul connection +10 for incorrectly assuming that Sean invited them to the group date because he wanted to see her.
	Catherine - 55 +15 for kissing in a group setting and on a one-on-one +25 for one rose and one date rose +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +5 for cyring Bonus: - 1 for every day she's gone without hot chocolate (okay, not really)
	Daniella - 50 Eliminated +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for crying three times Bonus: +5 for misusing the word literally
	Desiree - 50 +25 for a rose and a date rose +5 kissing on a one-on-one +10 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +10 for "I think that's why I'm so humble."
	Jackie - 25  Eliminated    +10 for kissing in a group setting, sorta +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for tattling on Tierra
	Lesley M. - 45 +25 for a rose and a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for saying "weak people piss me off"...and for defining "weak" as "people who are bad at baling hay and drinking goat's milk."
	Lindsay - 75 +5 for crying +25 for a date rose and a regular rose +20 for kissing in multiple group date settings +10 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +15 for gratuitously telling Sean that you sleep naked. Well played, Lindsay
	Robyn - 5 Eliminated Bonus: +5 for referencing a reality show trashier than your own.
	Sarah – 20 Eliminated +5 for crying +5 for a rose +10 for kissing on a group date (barely)
	Selma – 15 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: I award Selma no bonus points for shaming her family.  None.
	Tierra – 90 +5 for crying +10 for two roses +25 for "requiring" medical attention +10 for threatening violence +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +20 for seeking Sean out during other people's date

To Selma, an Open Letter

Dear Selma,

  Remember how I said you were cool for sticking to your guns about kissing and religion without getting holier than thou?  Yeah, I take it back.

Love and cross-checks,
Megan

To Robyn, an Open Letter

Dear Robyn,

  You went out this week claiming that you were the best person for Sean. So let's take a moment to examine that statement. We don't really know that much about you outside of your weak attempt at gymnastics, and your even weaker pick-up line, but we do know a tad more about Sean.

Sean says he wants: Someone to spend the rest of his life with.
Sean means he wants: Someone to spend a few months with before a public break-up and, if possible, some juicy tabloid rumors.
Sean has never so much as hinted at wanting: Someone who gets super, super angry if he spends so much as fifteen minutes talking to other girls - particularly if those girls haven't proved their self-worth through some sort of canoeing, goats milk drinking relay.


Sean says he wants: Someone who doesn't cause lots of drama
Sean means he wants: Someone who doesn't cause lots of drama or someone who does, but who he's really, really attracted to.
Sean has never so much as hinted at wanting: Someone who promises him candy and then assaults him with her tongue.

Sean says he wants: A wife and a best friend
Sean means he wants: A wife and a Labrador puppy.  Someone loyal, and vulnerable, and cuddly, but not too challenging
Sean has never so much as hinted at wanting: Someone to watch Bad Girls' Club with. Hinting at super trashy reality shows while appearing on one that is just mildly trashy is probably not the savviest move.

Yours till Niagra falls,

Megan

To AshLee, an Open Thank You Note

Dear AshLee,

  Devastation may be too strong a word to express the feelings I felt when Daniella left. (In fact, mild interest seems like a bit of an overstatement). But you've restored my faith that ridiculous malapropisms and ill-expressed sentiment will continue in her wake.

  So thank you AshLee. Thank you for trying to "subside the tension." "No one has ever in their life made me want to do something for them" either, and I'm just so glad your here.

My heart is forever at your service,

Megan

To Catherine, an Open Letter

Dear Catherine,

  I thought I was all in on you. I really did. But then I heard the words "I haven't had hot chocolate since I was, like, four" pass your lips. I literally have multiple cups of hot chocolate every single week.  And not literally in a Daniella way, but in a "my trash can is constantly lined with the discarded trappings of hot chocolates past" kind of way. I'm just not sure you're here for the right reasons anymore.

 Devotedly,

Megan

To Jackie, an Open Letter

Dear Jackie,

  You poor, sweet, sacrificial lamb. It was pretty clear that even you knew you weren't going to make it through the two-on-one by the frequency with which you pointed out that "Even if it's not tonight" and "Even if it's not me," Sean would realize that Tierra wasn't the one for him.

If you truly had pre-existing beef with Tierra, as we have been led to believe from the footage from the Worst Apology Ever, why didn't we get to see it? Just imagine how much more dramatic this week's two-on-one could have been if the editors had done more to bill you as mortal enemies locked in multiple weeks of petty combat. Almost as dramatic as it would have been if the editors hadn't shown us multiple times that Tierra was going to fake her death by drowning in the next episode.

  You did, however, use this week and the only screen time you were given to reinforce a valuable Bachelor lesson. If you're going tattle on another girl, then you'd better make damned sure that you're the one he really wants to screw. Sean may say that he wants to hear about Tierra's flaws if they impact him, but he doesn't mean it if it puts any sort of doubt roadblock between him, her, and the fantasy suite.

 Smell you later,

  Megan

To Lindsay, an Open Letter

Hey Lindsay,
 
  How you doing, lady?  You seem fun. Except...remember that time when you said that Tierra was too young to get married and start a family?  Well, I did some light googling and it turns out that you're 24 and Tierra's 24 too.

  So...look, I'm not saying that 24 is too young to get married, but I do think it's too young to have your rational decision-making drowned out by the loud ticking of your biological clock. You and Tierra are equally in need of calming down and realizing that Sean is probably not your last ever man. And neither of you is at an age where you should be questioning the maturity of others who are your exact same age.

  Cordially,

  Megan

To Lesley, an Open Letter

Dear Lesley,

  Girl, I like you, but you are going to have to step up your game if you want to make it any further on this show. You are the only girl that hasn't noticed Sean's penchant for the tragedy boner, the only girl left in the house who hasn't triggered his instinct to protect with a tear-laced tale of personal strife.

  Disability has already been taken, as had bad-news boyfriend, oppressive religion that you don't fully buy into, and childhood trauma galore, but there's a fair amount of upsetting room left to play around with.  So let's brainstorm:

  You're from DC, so you could go with torrid affair with a never-to-be-named politician who was never going to leave his wife - that would certainly a credible excuse for lack of trust - but it seems like Sean's moral code might make this backfire.

  Kacie B. left a hole open in the eating disorder category with her early departure, but we've all seen way too much of your midriff to buy that you're struggling with a surfeit of body consciousness.

  Maybe taken in by a cult, or raised by wolves, or I don't know, maybe go Greek tragedy and tell him that you have to spend have of the year in the underworld. But seriously, lady. You need to get in the game and get in it fast because if Sean doesn't have to protect you from bad memories and emotional closed-offed-ness, then what do the two of you have?

Yours very truly,

Megan

To Desiree, an Open Letter

Dear Desiree,

  All joking about Daniella aside, if I were to donate a dictionary to a worthy cause, you would be the recipient I would choose. In the span of five short weeks (or perhaps I mean very, very long - maybe I shouldn't be so hasty to give this dictionary away), I have heard you call yourself awesome and fun. You've said that you "just don't think like other people," and have expressed reverence at your own deep-degree of spirituality. You've touted your strength, your positive outlook, and for reasons that are beyond me, snuck in the fact that you went to a very good school.

  And Desiree, you may be all of those things. You may have leveraged your impoverished childhood into a unique adult perspective and being a great hang. But this week, you called yourself humble. And lady, humble you are not.

  Best wishes,

  Megan

To Daniella, an Open Letter

Dear Daniella,

  Congratulations on your Misuse of the word 'literally' hat trick!

  Between that and your classic line: "Sean is hot. I'm hot," I have literally never been more sad about anything that has happened in my entire life.

  Warm Regards,

  Megan

To Tierra, an Open Love Note

Dear Tierra,

  I know I've been a little bit hard on you over the past few weeks. Sure, I haven't stopped talking about the moment you walked into a room and I haven't tattled on you about any off-camera misdeeds. But I have doubted your viability as a villain.  And after this week's double header, I feel like I owe you an apology. You stepped up your game, and while Sean may still be confused by the vagueness of your particular brand of evil, I'm finding myself more and more impressed.

  Courtney, you are not, and yet my affection for you is blossoming.  How do I love you?  Let me count the ways:

1) You play the victim card like a birthday party magician. The girls' accusations of your love of being the victim ring a little bit false after an episode in which pretty much everyone sought Sean's attention for the wrongs of childhood past. Everyone has picked up on Sean's need to protect and serve, and most of them are doing their best to leverage this. You're just doing it much better than everyone else. You does it through words - saying things like, "No one ever gives me credit," and "I don't deserve to go through this," and "I don't think it's fair [that the girl who didn't fake hypothermia got the rose instead of me]" - and through deeds, faking injury at every step of the way. And yes, I finally believe that you're faking these injuries. While it wasn't a particularly brilliant idea to dunk seven girls with very limited body fat into near freezing water and the risk for hypothermia was probably very real, I saw you come out of the cold and go straight for your mascara.  If your hands were really shaking that badly, you wouldn't let those babies get anywhere near your vacant, emotionless eyeballs.

2) You finally threatened to cut a bitch!
Perhaps it's a wee bit perverse for me to be excited about this turn of events, but a good villain always threatens others with physical violence. And if you can threaten others while referencing your horoscope, even better!  I was almost as pleased to learn that you were a scorpio as I was to see your stinger finally on full display.

3) You flip the victim switch to full-on aggressive manipulation at a moment's notice.
Clearly, over the past few years, the show has begun to condone and even encourage seeking the Bachelor/Bachelorette out outside of sanctioned show events, but chasing him down during a group date to which you were not invited took some sizable lady balls. It would have been enough if you had found Sean just because you're so deeply in lust and you wanted to gaze deeply into his dreamy, dreamy eyes, but you basically sought him out to threaten him. You're one of the few girls I've ever seen who has had such tremendous success willfully misunderstanding the central conceits of the show, and watching you berate Sean for "misleading" you by forcing you to participate in a two-on-one date that even a casual Bachelor fan would have seen coming was truly a thing of beauty. All the greats have one with two parts sex and one part fear, and I'm glad to see you finally living up to the legacy of your predecessors.

   Impressed though I was, Tierra, I think even you can appreciate that there is always room to grow, and, in the interest of seeing you make many happy returns, here are a few tips for next week:

1) Get naked - In the great tradition of Jake and Brad before him, Sean is making all you-related decisions with an organ that can't hear the other girls screaming, "Hey Sean. Tierra's awful."
2) Be a model - It might be a little bit late for this in the scheme of your life, and given that you're 24 and tiny, I'm not sure if you're still growing, but if there's any way that you can get on this, I feel like it's going to serve you well in the future.
3) Hint at Sean doing some really terrible things in really vague language - This one should probably go on the back burner until your off the show, but if you win and once you inevitably break up, you have to make sure that the world knows that it's because of Sean. If you can make veiled references to a "temper" and dance around suggestions of "abuse," that will probably play out nicely for you.

 With enduring love and devotion,

 Megan