Week 4, The Scores

	Amanda – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying that she wasn't sure that "jumping out of a cake and kicking your legs was a talent." A totally fair statement made slightly less fair by the fact that Amanda's talent was hula hooping! Important Info: I was half tempted to award Amanda pity points for having to awkwardly  sit in the middle of Lauren B. and Ben's post-rose hug, but I decided to let her rest up instead...looks like she's in for a big episode this week!
	Amber – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying Important Info: I have to wonder if part of the sting behind Amber's elimination was yet again playing second (or probably more accurately 13th or 14th) fiddle to Becca. I mean sure, she made a few crazy statements about Ben and her not-so-impending nuptials, but an epic deckchair breakdown of that magnitude just has to have something else behind it.
	Becca - 70 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for being told she was the perfect person for the wedding date +15 for having Ben comment on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for stealing Lace's lifelong dream of having Ben vow to "always look her in the eyes." +10 for Ben asking her if she was okay with him not being a virgin. I know he probably didn't mean it that way, but...part of me wonders if he referenced their "similar faith" and then got worried about what America might think if he failed to clarify just where those similarities ended. Important Info: So ostensibly the producers give the girls guidance for what to wear on their dates. But I am very curious to know how this played out with Becca this week. What guidance was she given? "We're not going to keep you in a wedding dress, but make sure to bring something bridal?" "Wear whatever outfit you would wear to steal the spotlight from a cool half dozen brides?" Is it possible they just said "Break out your white lace caftan" and she had both the capacity and the right kind of can-do attitude to oblige?
	Caila – 40 +5 for a rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +10 for using a puppet to interview Jennifer about her feelings. Now that B.D. Wong is gone, they do need a new psychologist on Law and Order: SVU +5 for "sex panther," obviously Important Info: Although -5 for Ben. If you're going to start out by calling a girl a tigress, then shouldn't it be a sex panthress? Sex pantherina?
	Emily– 60 +5 for a rose +10 for referencing her connection with Ben +20 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness (at the same time as her sister's attractiveness like a creepo) +5 for crying +20 (10 x 2) for kissing on a group date with a "having just abandoned my twin sister" bonus Important Info: Really this is more of an important question, but given that she told us that she lived there approximately 49 times, how is it possible Emily has never seen fireworks from a roof top in Las Vegas? Aren't they available pretty much every night?
	Haley - 150 Eliminated +5 for crying +100 for being kicked off outside of game play +20 for having Ben comment on her attractiveness (see Emily) Bonus: +25 for being dumped in front of her sister, dachshunds, and mom Important Info: I do have to say, I am completely sympathetic to the horrors of bringing a new guy home to photos of your ex. My mom had pictures of my high school boyfriend up in her house until approximately my wedding. And he had ridiculous hockey hair, so you know it wasn't an aesthetic choice!
	Jennifer – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: The girls were bizarrely supportive of Jennifer's move to steal Ben this week. Either Olivia is really terrible, Jennifer is really meek, or Ben just isn't that enjoyable to talk to. I'm also open to it being a mix of all three.
	Jo Jo – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one in front of other girls +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +5 for saying she "would die" if she had a 1-on-1 in Vegas. It turns out she did not. Important Info: Did anyone else notice Jo Jo's vagueness in talking about her ex? She stuck to gender-neutral pronouns and would neither confirm nor deny that any sort of cheating transpired. I can't help but feeling like she may have kept more secrets than she shared!
	Jubilee – 30 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for saying if Becca "hasn't lost her virginity in 26 years, then she's not going to lose it in 6 hours." I'm not sure what I like more. The sheer snarkiness of the comment or the implication that Ben - a man who she just gushed about ad nauseum last week, a man who she credits with understanding her better than anyone else in the world - may have highly questionable motives for taking Becca on a date. Important Info: In case anyone out there was beginning to doubt Jubilee's complexity due to the fact that she has pretty much just repeated that fact for the past three weeks...she also plays the cello!
	Lauren B. – 45 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Important Info: There's something that comes through as real about Lauren B.'s relationship with Ben, even though they are both approximately as interesting as the safety announcements Lauren is used to making in her day job (assuming she doesn't work for Southwest, I suppose. Did you guys know they keep a fund just for all of the fines they incur for getting creative with the safety regulations? See, we can learn as we mock!) Unfortunately, Ben doesn't seem to see a problem with letting the others girls know this as well. His validating his confidence in Lauren is almost certainly being heard as doubts about practically everyone else. Stop making the speeches Ben!
	Lauren H. – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for dressing up in chicken costume for reasons that were never fully, or really even partially, explained Important Info: I have to say, it's obvious that Lauren H. isn't in this for the long haul given the time spent featuring many of the other girls, but it sort of seems like the producers want to cut her screen time completely and make her into one of those girls who fades into the background but they never quite get there with her because she just keeps doing such adorable things.
	Leah – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: You know, like they've done to Leah.
	Olivia – 60 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +10 for referencing her connection with Ben Bonus: +20 for the whole cake, nervy b, "not wife material" mess. I have to say, the mere prospect of scoring Olivia week after week is really making me tired! +10 for telling Jo Jo Ben reciprocated her feelings of "falling for him" Important Info: Look Olivia's not the nicest to the other girls, but I still wish she had some sort of ally to help her put a halt the downward spiral of self-destruction that she has fallen into. We need her crazy with the girls and confident with Ben, and pulling out the "falling for you" card just feels way, way too soon. Rachel – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying Important Info: Though on her way out, Rachel did alert us to the very important fact that the producers are cheating some of you out of points! Rachel is the only one not to kiss Ben, indeed!

Week 4, The Feelings

It may surprise you all to learn that my favorite moment from this week didn't have anything to do with Olivia. In fact, it wasn't from the group date at all, nor was it from the impromptu two-on-one for the twins. No, my favorite moment from this week came, very surprisingly, from Ben's one-on-one with Becca, and it went a little something like this:

Ben: I want to know can Becca Love? Can Becca Feel?
Becca: Thank you so much for taking me on this date.
Ben: It's good to feel.
Becca: Yeah, it was nice.
Ben: Please feel things.
Becca: I was scared to feel things with Chris
Ben: That virgin thing is about God, right...?

I may have paraphrased about half of that, but every line Ben said with the word "feel" in it is a direct quote. And what a great moment! Not only was Ben asking the questions we all want answered about Becca, but also who doesn't enjoy a good robot love story? I mean, the ridiculousness of this whole affair is, of course, that outside of a clear capacity for sexual attraction, so far, Ben seems to share Becca's emotional depth. We've seen no illustrations that he feels much of anything at all. And while he may be saying "it's good to feel," what he seems to means is "it's good to talk about what you should feel." Because those women who are clearly experiencing actual human emotion aren't the frontrunners this season. They're the nut jobs.

So let's take a look at Ben's step-by-step guide, Please Feel Things and talk a little bit about some of the women who illustrate exactly what he does and does not mean:


A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words...
Did anyone show us more real emotion this week? Clearly, the choices she made were hers (with, perhaps, a bit of an assist from the producers), but that doesn't mean the panic attack she had afterwards was in any way faked or staged. She thought her show girl act was going to be hilarious and sexy, and as soon as it was clear that she had thought wrong, she was embarrassed enough to go into meltdown mode. And who hasn't made that kind of mistake (although admittedly, most of my regrets include a lower level of sequins and a higher number of clothes)? She was humiliated and she was sad and she was looking for validation from Ben...validation that she did not get...because he has apparently not been programmed to recognized shame. Olivia has come out strong this season as the woman who assumes far, far too much. There's the hidden signals that only she picks up due to, I assume, a correspondence course in semaphore for the nuts. There's the filling in the blanks with things she "knows that Ben can't say" like "40% of our conversation has been about your cankles and yet I feel certain we're falling in love." But despite these bad habits, I don't think it was too much for her to assume that Ben might actually notice she wasn't feeling great. Or at least do more than repeat "don't apologize" when her apology count was clocking in at all of none.

But Words about How Much you Like Me are Priceless
And it turns out that Olivia shouldn't have acted embarrassed or ashamed, which was just a source of confusion for Ben. What she should have done was told him she felt ashamed while maintaining a flat affect, steady eye contact, and a medically-recommended heart rate. Because it there anything more romantic than Lauren B. dispassionately stating "I missed you. I want to be around you all the time" or Becca droning "It's different this season because of how much I feel about you"? Okay the answer is probably yes..there are many things that are more romantic. Long walks on the beach, falling for someone despite the fact that you're more of a cat person and he really loves dogs, probably even getting married by a generic reality television show host who has made absolutely no effort to even plan. But in Ben's eyes, those passionless words are clearly the most romantic of all!

Self-Confidence is Complex
And so is Ben's opinions about when and how you need to have it. There were A LOT of crises in confidence this week, but none that illustrated Ben's complicated relationship with the ladies' self-confidence than those of Jubilee and Jo Jo. On the surface, they appeared very similar. Jo Jo went on a lovely little self-conscious rant about how Ben couldn't possibly like her out of the beauty, charm, and grace that was back in the hotel room, making lewd jokes about the bidet. Where as Jubilee shared that she was always scared that she wouldn't get the rose. And at first, Ben reacted similarly to both, telling both women that they were attractive and wonderful and good.

And Complexity is Intriguing...but Simplicity is Hot
But at this point, the two ladies' reactions veered off course, with Jo Jo accepting her praise with a grin and Jubilee pointed to her curse of being so darn complex! Which was why Jo Jo spent the rest of her evening making out while Jubilee spent hers getting called interesting for at least the 14th time in far fewer weeks.

Open Up...
I have to say, I was expecting Ben to send home the other twin. It's good that he sent home one twin (although not as good as the live aftershow made it sound. His decision to give Haley the boot was lauded as some sort of humanitarian effort, a diplomatic triumph generally reserved for actions that don't involve dumping a girl in front of her mom. Which is ridiculous, because seriously, he can't wind up with either twin. Not after dating them both. We all know that right?), but I thought we were about to see Emily go. It's not that there was remarkable chemistry between Ben and Haley or anything (and if there was, it would be almost impossible to say since ABC has made it abundantly clear that they don't want you to see two people as much as TWINS), but once Emily told Ben that she didn't think that Haley was opening up, I thought she'd be the one crying into a dachshund belly on the couch. But it turns out I was wrong. Because if Ben's sure of anything, it's that he wants people to open up about their emotions. Even if those emotions are mostly dominated by concern for the failure of others to emotionally open up.

No seriously...open up.
And while you are emotionally opening up, maybe open up a few other things? Your arms? Your lips? Other parts of your anatomy that sounds significantly more vulgar? Because if he wasn't sure about Caila after the first week, he's feeling mighty sure about her now. Sex panthers don't have to worry about silly little emotions.

Week 3, The Scores

	Amanda – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Amanda devoted her minimal screen time this week to gossiping about how Olivia knew how to not look bad on camera. While I'm not overwhelmingly convinced that's true, it does seem like one effort Olivia is devoting to this pursuit is....you know...not gossiping about how other people know how to not look bad on camera on camera.
	Amber – 70 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +30 for confronting Jubilee in front of Ben, a clear tattling equivalent +10 for accusing Olivia of having fat toes and then refusing to repeat it as if she had said something so scandalously offensive. Important Info: I've already devoted a bit of time to Amber and all the less than happy feelings she inspired in me this week. But on a lighter note, this week, Amber justified her multiple go rounds on The Bachelor by saying that "it's funny how in a year you can grow." And it is funny. I just haven't decided if it's funnier that she believes that growth is what comes from making out with multiple men on reality TV or that she seems to have such a need for growth at her...non-22-year-old age.
	Becca - 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for being a creeper and watching Jubilee give Ben a back rub Important Info: Becca said she had mixed emotions when Jubilee got the date. One of those emotions was apparently feeling happy for Jubilee. We can only assume that the other was wondering if she would ever find herself similarly excited to spend time in the presence of a human man.
	Caila – 10 +5 for a rose +5 for crying Important Info: Caila had a bit of a rough week. First she felt bad for herself because there were other girls in the house. Then she felt bad for Ben when he had to spend time with Jubilee. And then she felt bad for Jubilee because the other girls were going to confront her rather than just snarking about her behind her back. She also probably spent the bulk of the week wondering why, when Our Lady of Fate emerged, from the cathode ray tubes, shimmering and telling Caila to leave her flesh and blood man, she couldn't be bothered to be considerably more specific!
	Emily– 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying that "balls flying at your face is never fun." Important Info: It saddens me deeply to think that Emily probably didn't even know she was making a Clueless reference. Clear sign of the deterioration of the young!
	Haley - 20 +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for saying toes shouldn't be a big deal...and then following that statement up with "but..." and comments about several of Olivia's other attributes including her breath and her fake boobs. Important Info: And really...are fake boobs be a big deal on this show?
	Jami – 20 Eliminated +5 for misusing the word "literally" ("I feel like I literally just got smacked across the face") Bonus: +15 for tattling on the other girls to Olivia Important Info: It's possible this show broke Jami. The girl went from using cutesy phrases like "Geez Louise" and "Awko-Taco" and demonstrating her physical awakening as involving curious little bunny paws hand gestures to making a somewhat despondent joke about getting lots of cats. Let's hope she doesn't follow through. I'd hate for the songbirds and small rodents who help her get dressed to meet such an unfortunate end.
	Jennifer – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Don't worry, Jennifer. There's bound to be some sort of charity-related group date net week so that you and Ben can get back to talking about your shared morals.
	Jo Jo – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Jo Jo mostly played the disinterested listener this week, though showing up at the bathroom door and trying to convince Jubilee to let her in was a nice touch. "Hey, it's me..." Jo Jo said. "The one who has been acting like I'm listening to you while secretly thinking about how I can complain about our conversation later to some of the other girls," Jo Jo meant.
	Jubilee – 75 +20 for a date rose rose +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 (5 x 2)  for kissing in a one-on-one setting with a hot tub bonus +10 for facing a fear +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness (Not with actually words, but the exclamation "Ow ow!" seems to be alog the same lines) +10 for crying twice Important Info: Jubilee feels like Ben gets her. Which is surprising because she's just so deep! But it seems possible to me that what she sees as a special connection is just his appreciation of all the time she spent recapping that time she said "I'm not playing, white boy" and he didn't run screaming away. Ben loves a good recap. Clearly almost as much as he loves to engage in deep, penetrating dialogue about race.
	Lace – 65 Self-Eliminated +50 for leaving the show +5 for crying +10 for referencing her connection with Ben (or lack thereof) Important Info: I hope Lace learns to love herself. And I hope that she doesn't wind up on Bachelor in Paradise. But hell, neither could be hurt by, you know, learning the most basic rules of soccer.
	Lauren B. – 100 +20 for a date rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in a biplane on a one-on-one (which I assume is basically the same as helicopter kissing, but if someone has done both and wants to correct me on the error of my ways, please have at it!) +10 (5 x 2) for one-on-one kissing in a hot tub +15 for being treated to a concert by a band I have never heard of Bonus: +15 for facing a fear that, given her profession, I just simply cannot believe she actually has +15 for Ben sharing his personal tragedy with her Important Info: I award Lauren B. no points for saying that she is still single because her Dad. I have a Dad too, and I'm a fan of him....but I'm not single because I haven't figured out a non-gross way to date him. No, Lauren B. No!
	Lauren H. – 20 +5 for a rose +5 for misusing the word "literally" (or possibly misusing the word "insane." It was wrong, but I suppose I can't be entirely sure of the wrongness direction) Bonus: +10 for saying she has zero ball-handling skills  Important Info: If I were on this season of this show, I would constantly be awarding myself 10 points for any time I had to spend with Lauren H. There is something far too Stepfordy about a woman who confidently states that "Ben wants a wife who can be friends with all the other soccer moms" for my taste.
	Leah – 10 +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for what, I am fairly certain, was an off-screen kiss. Seems like there are a lot of those this year that are being deemed "counterproductive to the narrative." Important Info: At this point, Leah's greatest asset may be bearing a passing resemblance to Lauren B.
	Olivia – 65 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +10 for revealing a personal tragedy (yes - the tragedy of cankles) +10 for referencing her connection with Ben Bonus: +10 for admitting on camera her plans to exploit Rachel's injury +10 for the invention of multiple nonverbal cues +5 for waving down to the other girls from the hotel room balcony Important Info: Olivia said that perfect was boring, but I can't help but disagree. Because she is damn near perfect to me. And I just hope she doesn't reveal too much to Ben too soon. I'm not willing to move to Austin to appreciate her perfection. Rachel – 15 +5 for a rose +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for playing through the pain Important Info: Rachel's date card strategy was apparently to hold her breath and squeeze her abs. Is...that a thing? It's like when men flex their biceps when you touch their arm except, you know, without any sort of correlated logic. Shushanna – 0 Eliminated Important Info: I'm pretty sad about this one, you guys. There's so much about Shushanna that we'll never get to know! Her attitude toward borscht, the kind of fascinating footage she taped on her dashboard cam, other things that are more about her as a person and less about a walking Russian stereotype, I guess...very, very sad.

Week 3: The Crazy

I can't wait for the Sound of Music themed date after
the Bachelor research department decides it's just too
hard to wikipedia Andorra.

If I learned one thing about Ben this week, it's that, for some inexplicable reason, he believes that he is "responsible for the emotions and feelings in the house." With all the craziness spewing forth from these ladies' feeling boxes this week this week, this seems like a particularly masochistic point of view, especially when there are so many other potential influences to blame: society, damn millenials with their internets and clever devices, kindergarten teachers who made improper use of frowny face refrigerator magnets, and, of course, our perpetual favorite, the show psychologist whose screening mechanism has to be about as comprehensive as airport security procedures at the Andorran airport (and just in case you bristled at me questioning the Andorran commitment to making sure people arrive at their destinations with unclipped fingernails, Andorra doesn't have an airport. But don't worry. When their tourism bureau makes a plea to ABC to come film the show in the height of avalanche season, they will have three helipads to entice them). But since Ben has offered to take the blame, let's take a look at the insanity that seems to have leeched into the mansion's sauvignon blanc supply this week. Starting with the most self-aware:

Lace:That's right. I said most self-aware. And, yes. I said Lace! I have to admit, I'm a little bit proud of Lace this week. Sure, se could have ridden off into the sunset in a platitude-drawn carriage had the limo been unavailable but she made the choice that was best for her in exiting the competition. She recognized her unhappiness, determined the most likely source, and removed herself from said source's sphere. And I think that's difficult for most people, let alone for an emotionally fragile girl who has a producer constantly whispering in her ear: "Are you unhappy? It must be because you haven't talked to Ben. In fact, by my count, he hasn't even made eye contact with you in four hours, seven minutes, and 45 seconds...44 seconds...45...46...

I can neither confirm or deny the actual
floating of Lauren B's boobs. I most
certainly do not watch that closely.,,
or creepily....

Olivia: Olivia, on the other hand is so self-aware that she doesn't have room to be even remotely aware of anything else. She came into the show with a plan, and you have to respect her commitment to that plan in spite of trivialities like "other people's emotions" or "having toes that are so pudgy that it makes it difficult to walk." Week 3 was body image week for Olivia and there wasn't any room for unbelievably tragic death in the script. But there was plenty of room for her to demonstrate her toddler-level grasp on Theory of Mind (if I'm thinking it about Ben, then he must be thinking it too). And lest you think I'm mocking Olivia's behavior, I'm not. I wish the whole stupid after show was devoted to her play-by-play interpretation of people' non-verbal cues. "When Ben scratched his nose there, it meant he was wondering if I was crafted out of his rib cage because I'm both so perfectly attuned to him and I take his breath away." "When Lauren B's boobs floated in the hot tub, it was a clear indication that she's a witch."

I have to be honest..I have a hard time
believing that anyone who has as many
photos of herself mid-duck face can be
all that emotionally complex...

Jubilee: So...I'm  not convinced that Jubilee is crazy, but she is utterly incapable of communicating her self-awareness to the other girls, so let's take a look at her here. I feel for Jubilee. This show is notoriously unkind to the socially awkward, even more so than to the socially drunk to the point of falling down. So even though her nervousness and lack of comfort seems to me to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of her grave misdeeds, I have no doubt that the other girls will continue to find her "ungrateful," the most serious of flaws. But while I think you can probably all anticipate my reaction to Jubilee's self-proclaimed complexity and multi-layered depth, I still have to give her credit. Because when you've survived the death of your entire family, been adopted as an older child, and returned home from serving in Afghanistan, failure to gush over a helicopter ride really doesn't seem that complex.

Amber: Aaaand now we turn away from the self-aware. Amber went from last week's pity rose to a date rose this week, and clearly the sharp ascent caused her attitude sickness (see what I did there? You should all be praying they don't make a pit stop at Ben's current home in Denver. Elevation-related puns may seem niche, but I have so many of them!) On the one hand, there is a certain amount of credit due for having the audacity to state her case against Jubilee in front of both Jubilee and ben. But on the other hand...she's 30...and a bartender. And while I don't wish to judge her for either of those things, surely more than anyone else in the competition, the combination of those things should give her the life experience necessary to know that just because you make out with a guy doesn't mean he's going to take your word for everything...or indeed even call you again.

Perhaps I'm wrong to blame any of them...playing soccer in
booty shorts would probably make me pretty cranky as well.

The Teeming Hordes: If the first three ladies are responsible for bringing the crazy, then it's really the rest of the pack who are bringing the drama. Okay yes, Olivia and Jubilee are violating the sacred oath of stealing more time when they already have a rose (which I'm sure you all already know begins "O, Great Chris Harrison. We who have come forth to make friends pledge this undying vow..."), but they're not the ones cackling over chubby and/or silicone enhanced portions of other girls' anatomy. They're not confronting girls at rose ceremonies to try and shove their condescending definitions of gratitude down each other's throats. And they're not the ones pretending to take the moral high ground by letting Olivia in on the other's backstabbing behavior (ahem, Jami) or judging the other girls for confronting Jubilee when sitting around saying nasty things behind her back is clearly the more appealing approach (Caila, Jo Jo, and Emily!). In this week's thunder-thigh storm of bad behavior, only a few select ladies were edited out of the fray. Which is why, if there was ever any doubt, I think it's now safe to say we can expect to see non-crazy, drama free Lauren B. still standing at the end.

Week 2, The Scores

	Amanda – 45 +5 for a rose +10 for crying twice +10 for kissing in a group setting +10 for revealing she has kids Bonus: +10 for receiving a gift from Ben Important Info: So....the barrette thing was pretty cute. And who doesn't like a gift that comes with arts and crafts. But I just can't figure out why Ben kept saying that Amanda "makes more sense now." What exactly confused him about her in the past? Was she showing up to cocktail parties with gum in her hair? Did she tell him that her uterus hurt? Or was he just confused by the fact that a grown woman would opt to go with a baby voice?
	Amber – 20 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying that she's basically in last place. And you know what, another +5 for appropriately recognizing there are places! Important Info: So...if you attempt to give out a rose and the girl rejects you and you decide to give it to someone else...maybe...don't make a big, long speech about it? I mean, the man didn't say "Amber will you accept this pity rose, but...I think we all know that was what he meant."
	Becca - 25 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +5 for providing a new orientation for the entire state of Indiana Important Info: While I don't exactly admire that being Homecoming Queen has always been a dream for Becca, I believe it a whole hell of a lot more than her assertion that last time she was "scared of being hurt." There's nothing wrong with simply not being that into Chris. Just as there is nothing wrong with being a primarily asexual being. But if that's the case then....maybe give the dating shows a rest? Or at least cultivate a more compelling repertoire in crazy
	Caila – 40 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +15 for being treated to a concert of a band I have never heard of Important Info: Caila is cute and spunky and she did a very nice job deliberately placing the word "journey" with "adventure" (so...it's possible there's actually a book in the mansion this season! Don't be shy about sharing your thesaurus!) I think she and Ben are probably a fine match until she realizes in 6 months that she's actually not that in to him either because she's 23 and works in a male-dominated industry and being single is kind of fun. Or until Kevin Hart calls and she realizes that actually he's the only guy affiliated with this show that actually said interesting things when he talked.
	Emily– 25 +5 for a rose Bonus: +20 for saying she's not very smart. I wanted to award her all the points, but I felt I had to save some of them for me for actually having a few lucid moments when I could tell the twins apart! Important Info: I know many of you watch this closely, but for me, clothing changes have never really much of a focus throughout the show (If I'm blinded by sparkles, it slows down my ability to write furious notes!). So imagine my shock and disappointment when I had finally sussed out which twin was wearing what, only to learn that they would be rocking at least four more outfits before the end of the night!
	Haley - 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Haley, on the other hand, gets no points for saying "Don't put the blonde on the date" when she had to go do very mentally strenuous science things. Because seriously, Haley...you were all blondes. All of you! I'm pretty sure ABC would have mentioned if Haley and Emily were conjoined twins by now, but if they were surgically separated at birth, I would suggest that their blonde hair isn't the organ of which they each only got half.
	Jackie– 0 Eliminated Important Info: If Jackie ever appears on Bachelor in Paradise, I will almost certainly be forced to look her up countless times, equally convinced in each outing that I have never before seen her. I was also, undoubtedly, be surprised when I actually hear her voice. And then maybe some ice cream.
	Jami – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Unlike Jackie, for Jami there is still some hope. Though usually girls that have to sit out the first week of dates have made some sort of headway toward the Bachelor's heart. In this case, I think Ben might just be trying to avoid an angry phone call from Kaitlyn.
	Jennifer – 30 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing on a group date Bonus: +15 for telling the other girls Important Info: Oh Jennifer! Jennifer of the night one values. Jennifer who Ben clearly couldn't wait to kiss. Just because Ben wants to recap your amazing conversation from night one, doesn't mean you should turn around and recap that one-on-one experience for the rest of the girls. Learn to keep your mouth shut, Jennifer. Especially since some times, when you open it, asinine statements about how romantic it is to ride around a high school track in a convertible come out.
	Jo Jo – 50 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +5 for providing an new orientation for the entire state of Indiana Important Info: In looking at the scoring so far...is it possible that Ben is just really attracted to women who don't know how to place Indiana on a map? In Jo Jo's case, he may also be really attracted to superlatives. In her one date with Ben, Jo Jo managed to claim that she had never "in her entire life" been so high (in a roof sort of way...hence the lack of intoxication points), been so happy, and been so turned on in a high school. I have to say, I really hope that last one is as true as the second one is false.
	Jubilee – 50 +5 for a rose +10 for plugging her military career (yes, it is far more noble than one in acting or modeling or singing, but...I still get the sense it's going to come up A LOT) +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +10 for threatening to make Lace disappear But +5 for claiming she would do it "tactfully." Because if you don't have your dignity what kind of murderer are you? Important Info: Maybe Jubilee is super into Ben. Maybe he's her perfect man and her win at all costs attitude is a manifestation of her heart's desires. But there was something a little bit calculating about her this week - I'm revealing my tragedy to Ben and I expect to get a rose. I'm partnering with Lace because I assume she can read - something calculating that I clearly admire and respect in the context of reality TV.
	Lace – 60 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +5 for crying +10 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +15 for complaining about both Jubilee and Olivia interrupted other girls after she had executed the same maneuver herself +10 for acknowledging that she is coming off as crazy and is a lot to handle Important Info: Chalk up another victory for the Bachelor psychologist. It's hard to even see Lace as a villain on this show because she she so clearly lacks control over what she's doing. I imagine Ben makes the largest of the producers stand just off camera while he's talking to her just in case. And I imagine that producer makes the psychologist stand just behind him, ready to fulfill her Hippocratic duties, ostensibly by refilling Lace's drink.
	LB – 70 Self-Eliminated +5 for a rose (hey, it was offered, even if it wasn't expected) +50 for leaving the show Bonus: +15 for leaving the show after being offered a rose. Important Info: I obviously don't know LB, but I support her decision-making ability. And I like that she decided to quit after being offered a rose. So often these departures seem motivated by fear of rejection, but not so for LB! She wanted it known that it wasn't her. It was you. Lauren B. – 30 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for receiving a gift from Ben Important Info: Was it just me or was Lauren B. throwing out some amazing flat affect when Ben told her he was giving her a gift? I couldn't tell if she was not into him, was not into whatever cheesy token the interns had cobbled together, or if that's just the way she talks, but I loved it nonetheless. It was like Ben picked her dandelions or made a macaroni noodle collage of her face or perhaps brought her the headless body of a rodent like some sort of self-impressed cat. So what I'm saying is Lauren B. hates your children and your pets.
	Lauren H. – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for receiving a gift from Ben. Important Info: Lauren H. seems reasonably personable and bright. She also seems like the girl most likely to be surprised when she gets to the Women Tell All and realized the producers have essentially edited out her entire relationship with Ben.
	Leah – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Hey guys...remember that time when Leah hiked that football? Yeah. Me too. It's fortunate that Ben is such a gentleman! It would net a lot more points for those of you who drafted Leah if he just came out and told her he thought she had a nice ass!
	Mandi – 20 Eliminated Bonus: +10 for winning Homecoming Queen +10 for fake crying after her victory. You're just so kooky! Important Info: What could she have possibly have said on that convertible ride to get her sent home? Or was it just that Ben made a deal with the producers that he could cut Mandi if he kept Lace?
	Olivia – 75 +20 for a date rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for creepily eavesdropping on another girl's conversation +15 for later claiming her creepy eavesdropping was "Ben taking her privately to surprise her." +10 for calling herself the front runner...this was probably yet another example of someone saying something about themselves that is actually true... Important Info: Olivia's near-delusional aggressive confidence is made all the better by the fact that it doesn't seem to actually be full-on delusional! Obviously statements like "Now I'm done. Everyone else can have at it" and "I can tell he's felling the exact same thing that I'm feeling" aren't going to make her overwhelmingly popular with the other girls. But I think we can all agree that she will probably be even less popular because they're not exactly untrue. My only big question for Olivia is...are we really still saying "winning?" Even in the context of what we now know about Charlie Sheen? Rachel – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Oh hey Rachel....are you on this show? Samantha– 20 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for suffering through the indignities of being told she smells "sour" on national TV. Important Info: So I've already admitted to buying into the pheromones stuff, but as much as I believe the science, I am equally convinced that I would smell none-too-great after taking a light jog on national TV. Sam and Ben probably aren't meant to be, but I'm not sure humiliating her and making her less appealing to viewers served any real point. Sort of like walking her out to her limo of shame and not saying any actual words. Shushanna – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for admitting a concern that she might smell like cabbage Important Info: If Rachel's potential is being wasted, than Shushanna's could not be highlighted in an any more hilarious light! Shushanna isn't just Russian. She is a walking embodiment of every Russian stereotype we cling to in this country. She smells of cabbage. She came to the US to buy a $400 car. She brought one pair of pants and two bottles of vodka! The only thing that would further enhance my enjoyment of Shushanna is if Chris Harrison someone manages to put together a date featuring Shushanna, Ben, and a shirtless Vladimir Putin on horseback.