Week 8, The Scores

I've pretty much vented about all of the women already, so let's just get down to business here. Happy division finals everyone! It has been a great season, and for those of you who won't be moving on to the playoffs, make sure you pitch in and suggest some final rules! I'm sure it's going to be a crazy final episode!

	Becca – 100 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for confessing her love for Chris +10 for torturously revealing that she's a virgin +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness +20 for reducing Chris to incoherent stuttering (I like how he super smoothly started to say "It sucks" and then switched gears to "It surprises me." I don't even think he's a bad guy - he just really wanted to jump her bones +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite ( points which I am only begrudgingly awarding her as it is obviously a technicality) Bonus: +5 for feigning interest in Chris' description of Balinese farming practices. But ONLY +5 because TRY HARDER BECCA!
	Kaitlyn– 75 Eliminated +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for crying +10 for making Chris cry +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness +15 for confessing her love for Chris +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for making her monkey date (HER MONKEY DATE) into a metaphor about love (this actually hasn't been that bad this season, but COME ON)

Whitney – 60 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness. +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite Bonus: +10 for making Chris not so much incoherent but really, really sweaty during their serious chat

Week 8, The Disappointment

So, obviously, I've never made it through a season where I'm feeling really jazzed by the fantasy suites episode. This is probably in part because, as a rule, I abstain from feelings of jazziness (let's just say there was an incident in middle school involving a sequined top hat, fish net stockings, and tails that's best left undiscussed), but it's certainly at least partially attributable to the show's massive design flaw. I know there are people out there who enjoy watching others fall in love and this episode feels like a breath of fresh air after wading through a sewage system. But for those of us whose very life force ebbs and flows with the craziness, the "will they or won't they consummate their three hours worth of love" is simply not enough drama to be in any way sustaining. This year's episode, though, was particularly challenging for me because I went into it actually sort of liking all parties involved. I came out of it, though, feeling that my positive emotions toward them might have largely been a by-product of the flattering lighting cast upon them by the full on glow of insanity that burned bright in so many of the other women this year. I seriously need them to bring back Britt and Kelsey and even Kardashley (but not Ashley S...no one needs that) so that I can get back to liking the final three.

So sorry I treated you so badly. You want to come back and talk
about how you deserve to be a princess again? I promise I'm
game!

Thankfully, we won't have to wait too long for the Women Tell All to give me everything I need! And since we need to get the scores up so that we can have our Division Playoffs draft, I will just give a quick rundown on my disappointment in this week's players, so that we can move on to happier things! In order of "Well, that's not so bad - I'm sure I wouldn't make it through a season without saying something unpalatable myself" to "Who is this person and how do I get them off my screen?" here's a quick catalog of my disappointments this week.

I too am incapable of kissing my husband unless I have him
locked down, python-style with my legs. Although...in fairness
to Whitney, my legs don't look nearly that great while doing it.

Whitney: So, perhaps a mildly controversial opinion here, but I have absolutely no problem with Whitney's willingness to quit her job. If anything, I'm less than delighted with Chris' and the show's decision to treat her job like it is not just her job but indeed, her calling, and as it is noble and pure she could never possible walk away. Especially because I don't remember Whitney ever saying any of that. Whitney has clearly devoted herself to a worthwhile occupation but that should, in no way, strip her of her ability to have an opinion about working. Becca has a job (sorry, Kaitlyn. "dance instructor," like "nanny" or "dog lover" is at best code for "figuring shit out") and is spending a lot of time expressing hesitancy toward living in a small town. Why is no one grilling her? That being said, however, I did have a moment of annoyance with Whitney when she was lamenting how her mom having to work full time was "the worst." I'm not saying that Whitney shouldn't be a stay at home mom, but I'm pretty unexcited by her implication that other women should.

Becca: Did you guys know that Becca's a virgin?  I know I just complained about how boring this episode inevitably is, but I'm not sure why they expected 20 minutes talking about her lack of sexual history would address that concern. Obviously Chris wasn't going to have a problem with it as he's, you know, not a monster and I don't even think Becca was seriously that worried about it as she witnessed how everything went down with Kardashley...who also talked about it...a lot. Given the short shrift that was paid to both of her earlier one-on-one dates and the fact that 90% of her screen time this week was devoted to talking about a choice not to do something, it seems more than a little possible that Becca might just be really, really boring. I'm pretty sure after enduring the monotony of Becca talking about abstinence for the bulk of this episode, at least 40 high school girls spontaneously decided to go have sex.

She did look super amazing in the traditional Balinese garb.
Although am I the only one that could have done without the
talk of respectful behavior in the temple? As if they weren't
utterly denigrating it already just by filming a trashy reality
show there?

Kaitlyn: What the hell happened to Kaitlyn this week? Why was the funny, brash Canadian suddenly replaced with a simpering, monkey-fearing child who spent entirely too much time talking in an unbearable baby voice? I love Kaitlyn and still very much want her to be the Bachelorette, but I absolutely hate that being "soft" and "open about her emotions" somehow got translated to her as being saccharine and girly. Being emotionally vulnerable shouldn't have to necessitate that sort of change, and her line "This is Chris' world so it's whatever makes Chris happy" was, though not untrue, super cringe-worthy. In some ways, I'm glad Kaitlyn got sent home because she seemed to be turning into something so much less than her actual self.


Chris: If every Bachelor has his fatal flaw (and if Juan Pablo was basically just a richly layered, creamed spinach- and kumquat-flavored tiramisu of fatal flaws), the Chris' is his charming naivete. He's so very earnest about his quest for a wife, that he doesn't understand that it is also a game that requires something at least approaching finesse on his part to win. I'm sure he wasn't exactly a loyal viewer of the show before his sisters signed him up for Andi's season, but that doesn't mean he couldn't have watched a few episodes just for, you know, background research. Chris made some terrible decisions this week that are clearly going to get him in trouble when he watches the episodes back on the phone with his scary quiet future "wife." And it's particularly inexplicable as it seems like he's already made his final choice. Whitney is the obvious front runner and yet he agonized at length over who would be his second choice. As if any woman is anxious for that honor! And as if that wasn't bad enough, did he just assume that they wouldn't air the footage of him telling each and every woman that he was falling in love with them? The only redeeming thing I have to note about Chris this week is that at least if he has already made his decisions, he has been generous enough to give us the pleasure of Kaitlyn's company for the Women Tell All.

Week 7 ,The Scores

	Becca – 30 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in two one-on-one settings +10 for confessing she's never been in love  Important Info: So, obviously, I don't know the history between Becca and her family, but her sister completely threw her under the bus! What I had been assuming was a faith-based decision, Becca's sister attributed to Becca "not being an intimate person" and her "not feeling the urge." I imagine I would be pissed if I was Becca... although perhaps not. Perhaps I would just be the emotionless robot woman that Becca's sister implied she was.
	Britt - 80 Eliminated +10 for kissing on a group date +5 for misusing the word literally +25 for pseudo-being kicked off outside of game play +10 (5 x 2) for SO MUCH crying +15 for threatening to leave but not following through Bonus: +15 for her post-rose meltdown Important Info: So, I don't know why I feel compelled to keep defending Britt. I don't think she was "there for the right reasons," or that she really ever saw herself living in Arlington, Iowa and I do think there she did a certain amount of scheming and game playing to figure out how to best leave the game on her own terms. That being said, I also think that she's been put in a lot of terrible situations. Her missing internal monologue after Kaitlyn earned the date rose was certainly self-centered and petty, but it also wasn't totally unreasonable given how vulnerable she allegedly felt. The line that really bought her some sympathy from me was when Chris said, "Carly reacted in the way I would want my wife to react." It just highlighted the messed up power dynamic to a pretty extreme extent. Though I'm sure Chris didn't mean it this way, it was tantamount to saying "When I do something hurtful, I expect my wife to smile politely and take it," and that's just not okay. It obviously wasn't Britt's most shining hour but it also wasn't Chris'. I suppose we can at least all take comfort in the fact that the point at which she cried the hardest was when reflecting on Carly's betrayal...because I'm pretty sure that was the point at which she realized she wasn't going to be the next Bachelorette.
	Carly – 60 Eliminated +5 for crying +10 for kissing in a group date setting +30 for tattling on Britt Bonus: +5 for the pettiest puppet show ever +10 for receiving a special message from Jesus - a special message that she apparently misinterpreted as "spend all your time talking about Britt." Important Info: You know how you know that you've lost sight of things? When you say, "Chris seeing Britt's true colors means more to me than any rose." Was Carly's exist interview the saddest speech in all the land? Absolutely (although it makes me want to learn more about her romantic history because now I'm imagine some middle-aged cruiser smashes her heart into a million pieces on every Caribbean circuit). But...it does seem like she kind of brought it on herself...
	Jade – 70 Eliminated +5 for a rose +5 for crying +15 for Chris commenting on Jade's attractiveness (by super charmingly calling her a "hot mustang"...twice... +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +15 for revealing her Playboy pass +20 for intentional nudity Important Info: Oh man was Jade's hometown awkward. Almost as awkward as having your dad find out about your nude photos from a co-worker (it's seriously very hard for me to stop thinking about how this conversation came about. Was it one of his buddies creepily mocking him? Or was it treated with delicate concern? Did HR call him down?). I wasn't overwhelmingly thrilled with Chris this week (though it's hard for me to be thrilled with any man for five straight hours...not counting my husband I suppose), but I actually do believe that the choice he made to get rid of Jade was more about realizing her didn't really know her than about her "troubled past."
	Kaitlyn– 75 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness +10 for giving Chris a billboard Bonus: +10 for implying that Arlington rides people out of town on a rail if they don't "pop out babies." Important Info: Despite her brassiness, Kaitlyn really has managed to stay out of the drama admirably this season - maybe even better than Whitney. Provided we all can find it our hearts to forgive her for subjecting us to Chris' freestyle rap, it's possible there really is a shot that she could be the next Bachelorette.
	Megan – 30 Eliminated +5 for crying +25 pseudo-leaving on her own and pseudo-being kicked off outside of game play. (Clearly a new rule is needed for pre-rose ceremony departures that aren't motivated by a secret boyfriend back home)  Important Info: It saddens me immeasurably that being on the Bachelor made Megan feel "prouder of herself" than she had felt in a long while. But not so much so that I won't be thrilled to see her more ashamed of herself than she's felt in a long time this summer on Bachelor in Paradise.

Whitney – 75 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +5 for crying +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +15 for revealing a personal tragedy +15 for confessing her love for Chris +5 for pulling a prank +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness. Important Info: Whitney's concern about her sisters perfectly reasonable refusal to give her blessing was the direct aftermath of Chris' dismissal of Britt. It's all about the power, and these women are feeling like "slipping up" could send them home which is obviously not a great foundation for a relationship. It did, however, give us a chance to appreciate that Whitney is a really pretty crier. It was interesting that they showed him asking for Whitney's sister's permission, but didn't show us that with anyone else's family. It's possible (albeit unlikely) that her's was the only blessing that he asked. More likely, however, ABC senses the facade is cracking and is trying to prevent us from remembering how very messed up this all is.

Week 7, The Almanac

This is what I imagine a gold medal looks like in Little Richard's
mind only...you know...less rapey.

It's that special time of year, everyone! The time when Chris Harrison brews his rejuvenation potion made from tears, home-cooked chicken, and 5 hours worth of collective life force from all the nation's young, hopeful viewers (I assume he tosses back the unwitting but ultimately counter-productive contributions that we crotchety fantasy-leaguers throw in). The two-night Bachelor special is always a harrowing experience, but it was a particular slog to get through crazy,catty, uncomfortableness on night one only to be forced to prop your eyelids open to make it through the ridiculously normal boringness of night two (with  a side of Jade's Playboy video which..I have mixed feelings about her revelation and its aftermath. I have only one feeling about them airing that video. It is a feeling called NO). So, I'm sure it comes as a surprise to no one that rather than focus on this week's episode, I turn to the future and handicap the odds on who will be the next Bachelorette. And I plan to do it with roughly the same accuracy of Poor Richard predicting a year's worth of weather (not to be confused with the accuracy of Little Richard predicting the Olympic Synchronized High Diving gold medalist for the past ten years. His knowledge of and passion for the sport is every bit as uncanny as his falsetto). So dig out your old algebra textbooks (which I imagine, like mine, are in pristine, brown-paper covered condition having never known the touch of human hands) and be prepared to marvel at my math:

Britt: 400:1
Why it's Likely: Britt was the villain of the week (which, you know it's been a good season when villains are treated more like vowels on Sesame Street than Lex Luther or some other recurring arch-nemesis), but she is beautiful, she's got a cool voice and an energy that screams Bachelorette. And regardless of what you think of her intentions, every word that came out of her motu was at the very least calculated to seem earnest and sincere. Out of everyone, it seems most likely that Britt was actually gunning to be the next Bachelorette which, I suppose maybe shouldn't count for much.

Why it's Unlikely: Britt got a lot of shade thrown at her from Carly and the other girls, but that might have been surmountable if she hadn't had the audacity to question the process at work. Britt's reaction to Kaitlyn's date rose was a lot of things, selfish and childish among them, but it also showed Britt losing site of the rules of the game. And while these rules are something you must never acknowledge (ahem, Kardashley. Also, I already miss you, girl. Can't wait to see you at the Women Tell All), they are also something you must never forget.

Megan: 250:1
Why it's Likely: Do I really have to include Megan in this? I guess she was technically on the episode, but like so many of the others, I think it could be argued that she wasn't all there. I guess Megan seems sweet, she didn't do anything do damage her viability over the course of the season, and there could be lots of time devoted to comparing prospective suitors to her recently deceased dad.

Why it's Unlikely: If she was the lone lady on the show, who would explain to her what was going on?

Jade: 100:1
Why it's Likely: Men would be lined up to date her. In fact, part of me suspect that there is already a place (either the Playboy Mansion or the Walmart outside of Gering, Nebraska) where there is already a queue of slavering would be prospects lined up to meet Jade. She's drop dead gorgeous, demure and unassuming, and we already know she can hack it in the role from her preview Princess date (it's clearly a sign of a two-night special-induced delusion that I'm capable of thinking of this as an audition for the Bachelorette rather than an adaptation of the beloved prostitute date). So what if she's not the perfect embodiment of Midwest values. Does anyone really care that she posed for Playboy?

Why it's Unlikely: Yes, yes they do. In fairness, I believe that Chris probably didn't, at least not personally. But the Sean Lowes of the world wouldn't thrive in Bachelor-land if "core values" weren't synonymous with "good" (or more accurately "so good we're willing to overlook all manner of misogyny"). It would be a controversial choice. it might also be a good choice. But I'll be highly surprised if it's the choice they make. I'm sure she'll wind up absolutely dominating Bachelor in Paradise, though.

Whitney: 50:1
Why it's Likely: People would undoubtedly complain about her voice, but Whitney has more than proven that she could carry the show. She's great with other people, has a measured approach to dealing with the world, and when she has a problem with someone else, she confronts them calmly, maturely, and if she was deputized by the angels of right. She'd be a great choice.

Why it's Unlikely:...But I also think she's probably the best possible choice for Chris. Between Becca's "intimacy issues" and Kaitlyn's, well, Kaitlyn-ness she seems like the most likely to happily move to Iowa and settle in to the most important career of her life: Chris's wife. Like Kaitlyn, she makes Chris laugh and is capable of building fun from nothing and like Becca, she would get along with his family and fit in. Whitney's career could be an issue (though surely even rural Iowa has a place where she can be a nurse), but assuming that she is adequately convincing about her desire to smilingly abandon all that for him, I think Whitney's the best bet to win.

Carly: 25:1
Why it's Likely: I have to say, Carly's career on The Bachelor was parabolic for me. I went from annoyed by her pink-taffeta-covered singing antics to really liking her and wanting to give her all manner of reassuring hugs back to annoyed that she was getting caught up in the whole Britt thing. That being said, "Men never want me" has historically been a highly desirable Bachelorette narrative and the most insecure Bachelorette in the show's history is also the one that allowed them to conduct an on-stage ultrasound for her during an After the Final Rose.

Why it's Unlikely: Historically, the Bachelorette needs to stay above the darmatic fray, and I'm not sure Britt's villainy was dastardly enough to cancel out Carly's petulance. Though her get-up from night one paired with Britt's omnipresent black leather pants would really just be one spinning wheel (and perhaps one of Juelia's odious headpieces) away from the perfect tableau.

Becca: 8:1
Why it's Likely: I shudder to imagine the fanfare that would follow the virgin-Bachelorette. But while I shudder, I imagine ABC rubs its greedy little feelers. Assuming Whitney wins, Becca's the most obvious choice. Sweet and seemingly above the fray, beautiful in a relatable way (meaning that she doesn't wear gobs of makeup - not so much that I relate to being as pretty as her), driven by, what one assumes is an understated faith, Becca has all the hallmarks of a traditional Bachelorette. All the boring, coma-inducing hallmarks.

Why it's Unlikely: Becca's dislike of intimacy is a bit of a head scratcher. It's totally possible that her family doesn't know her quite as well as they think they do or that they've only seen her in that one relationship with a guy she didn't really like. But assuming that, at a minimum, Becca's not the opposite of the girl her family believes she is, it's hard to see her faring particularly well on a show that's essentially sponsored by PDA.

Kaitlyn: 8:1
Why it's Likely: Pretty much every snarky blogger, late night host, and viewer who watches the show with any hint of irony wants it to be Kaitlyn. The girl is hilarious. She doesn't take herself or the show too seriously, but it's also not just a game to her. Clearly editing is partially responsible, but it's rare that a girl gets away with mocking other girls in the way that Kaitlyn has without it seeming mean-spirited or villainous. The fact that she's getting a favorable spin makes me think the cynics of the world can't be the only ones pulling for her. In a year where there isn't one clear favorite or obvious pick, I think Kaitlyn and Becca have just about even odds. Becca is the more traditional choice. But Kaitlyn is the fun one. Let's just hope that ABC would prefer to slowly kill the tiny baby bird that is our hope for an interesting season rather than immediately bashing its head in (Sorry guys. Grim metaphor. And there simply isn't a scenario where ABC lets the bird flourish and fly free).

I did find Lucretia Garfield here on a site ranking
the "45 Hottest First Ladies" to I guess they've
been subject to worse indignities.

Why it's Unlikely: Compared to ABC's "standards" and the Bachelorettes through history (which, how long do we think it will be before that becomes a set of paper dolls or something tragically marketed to little girls? I imagine the First Ladies Coloring Book I had when I was little is rolling over in its grave at the mere thought of such a thing, but, sorry Lucretia, Lady Bird and Mamie...it's coming), Kaitlyn is a little bit uncouth. I really want to stress that it's the first part of that sentence that is important. Compared to me, Kaitlyn is a modern day Emily Post, but I don't think I'm anyone's benchmark for comparison (though I do think I should probably start closing my office door when I put on deodorant at work...). She cusses a lot, she makes blatant sex jokes, and she doesn't necessarily always think before she speaks. I think this would make her an outstanding Bachelorette. I'm not 100% sure ABC will feel the same.

Week 6, The Scores

	Kardashley - 130 Eliminated +5 for a rose +5 for crying +15 for having Chris comment on her attractiveness (technically shared with Kelsey, but I'm too lazy to deal with a .5 for the rest of the season!) +10 for kissing in a group date setting +30 for tattling on Kelsey +50 for being abandoned in the middle of the Badlands Bonus: +5 for referencing her Master's degree from a 'good school.' I believe her and support her for being proud of it, but...I wish it ranked a little bit higher on her list of things she took pride in. +10 for talking about how sexy she is. Everybody together now, "If you have to say it about yourself...." Important Info: So...I know I've been pretty harsh on Kardashley, and I don't particular wish to end that now because she is pretty terrible. That being said, I did feel a little bad for her this week. Even with Chris trying to tell her that it was all about their incompatible lifestyles, Kardashley didn't seize on that excuse to rationalize her rejection away. Kardashley clearly realized that she was the worst version of herself with Chris, and Chris unsurprisingly didn't like what he saw. No one's saying Chris' feelings toward Kardashley weren't more than justified, but that doesn't change the fact that it must have really been pretty miserable for Kardashley.
	Becca – 55 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness +10 for referencing her connection with Chris +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting Important Info: I have the vague sense that this was a pretty real surprisingly enjoyable date to watch, but the details have been forced out of my brain space by of surfeit of insanity and the impending sense of dread brought about by this multi-episode week.
	Britt - 65 +20 for a date rose +20 (10 x 2) for group kissing with a bonus for literally doing it in front of people who she had to know could see what was going on +15 for having Chris comment on her attractiveness +10 for being treated to a concert Important Info: You know what was messed up? When Chris disappeared with Britt for an hour, took her to a concert where the other girls 100% could have also come, awarded her a rose, and then pretty much just dropped her off to deal with it on her own. I know people have mixed feelings about Britt, but considered Chris keeps trying to feed her to the wolves, I minimally think she's doing pretty okay with handling the other girls.
	Carly – 25 +5 for crying +10 for plugging her singing career (albeit, largely by being awesome) Bonus: +5 for inappropriate use of the term "black widow" in reference to Kelsey...at least I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what it meant +5 for her champagne celebration of Kelsey's departure Important Info: So, Carly wasn't the only one to do this, but as creepy, weird and conniving as Kelsey was, I was not super impressed with the girls who were bemoaning how unfair it was that Kelsey used her dead husband to get to stay. I'm not saying that's not an accurate representation of what went down, but in the grand scheme of things, using your dead husband to prolong your longevity on a reality show is just ever so slightly less unfair than having a dead husband.
	Jade – 15 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Important Info: I'm dreading the slut-shaming ahead. I hope that Rich (or was it Big...is that how that works? Those are their names?) comes back for a subsequent episode to frolic in the streets with Jade because I imagine she will soon be in need of some additional cheering up.
	Kaitlyn – 30 +5 for a rose +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for threatening physical violence against Kelsey...hilariously, as is her way +10 for confessing to being in love for Chris and Carly. Seriously, it just doesn't get better than Kaitlyn. Important Info: Though does that maybe mean she's not really all that into Chris? For her sake, I really hope so!
	Kelsey – 105 Eliminated +5 for a rose +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness +10 for referencing her connection with Chris +5 for crying +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one +50 for being abandoned in the middle of the Badlands (with Kardashley which...how awkward what that must have been) Bonus: +10 for confroning Kardashley with..."I know what you did." How terrified would you be if you were in Kardashley's shoes? Important Info: It's interesting that Kelsey's earnest-ness seems to be her creepiest feature. I wonder if that's because we collectively sense that it's fake or because she's just crossed some sort of line of how tragedy is meant to be processed on this show? In any case, she makes me exhausted.
	Mackenzie – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying Important Info: Mackenzie left the show by saying she won't ever get over this rejection. I think it's more likely that she'll never get over the stupidity of saying that on her way out on a reality show. But I suppose that's a form of hope, right?
	Megan – 5 +5 for a rose  Important Info: They seem to keep really wanting to reinforce the not so subtle message that Megan is not that bright. And, given that it's a reality show, it seems unlikely that we're dealing with unreasonably high standards, but...I don't know. For some reason, it seems mean-spirited that they keep repeatedly making this a thing.
	Samantha – 0 Eliminated Important Info:  I'm not used to ABC playing the role of tragedy tease! How could they have left Sam's sad story untold (Fear not. I at least, minimally, will never leave it un-alliterated). That being said, I'm not sure I'm necessarily sad about this new state of affairs...

Whitney – 5 +5 for crying Important Info: Whitney's maturity continues to impress and really seems to dictate the way the house works. Everyone in the house has a problem with Kelsey? So Whitney has a calm conversation about the issues that they see. It would be great for the gross power dynamic that governs this show if she also found a way to bring up her issues with Britt and Chris. Granted it would be incredibly surprising given that everyone is forced to live in fear of being sent home, but it'd be really nice to see that Whitney's relationships with men are the same as her relationships with other girls.

Week 6, Burn it to the Ground

I'll leave it up to Chris as to whether he also
chooses to salt the ground after watching it burn

I'm sure I'm not the only one who was pleased with the results of the 2-on-1 date. As crazy as Kelsey appeared to be, Kardashley was equally as unpalatable with her constant entitlement, cattiness, and whining. More controversial, perhaps, is my impending sense that Chris needs to take the same approach to the entire group of women and just send them all home and see if Chris "No Rules" Harrison wouldn't mind whipping up another batch. It's not that I find this year's bunch particularly unpalatable. Sure, it seems that there's been more than the usual allotment of cattiness and in-fighting, but I think that's to be expected in a year when the Bachelor himself feels like a bit more than the increasingly tarnished trophy you're awarded at the end of a pretty messed up game. In fact, there's a number of women still on the show who I find likable and funny and might even want to befriend if our paths ever crossed in the real world (If only there was some sort of red carpet event, something for people who weren't really famous, but still deserved to have fans like me scream their names and fawn over their sparkly, sparkly dresses. If only...). And shockingly, so far, I'm not hating Chris. So it's not like I'm even rooting for him to pick the worst possible remaining contestant so the rest of the eligible dating world is spared 4-6 months of her heinousness. It's just...I think it's gotten to the point where there's not a lot of ways he gets out of this whole thing with a wife.

To validate the need for such an extreme strategy, let's take a look at who Chris has left:

The girls he's not that into: This is the worst part about this show and probably also dating in real both Carly and Megan, but I do think they're both in the same boat. Attraction is relative even in the real world, and in a house with 10 other women, they're each being forced to suffer through having it regularly rubbed in their faces that they're not as desirable to Chris as a number of the other girls. In the real world, I would hope that they would one day wake up and realize that they were entitled to expect something better from the guy who was going to be their husband (minimally, no shushing. My husband could shush me in a movie theater and he would still earn an incredibly dirty look, let alone if he shushed me to make out with someone else), but in Bachelor land, they'll unfortunately probably get sent packing before they ever have that chance.
life. There's a chemical element to it that means that sometimes being funny, smart, kind, and even beautiful isn't enough. I'm not saying that all of those words necessarily apply to

The girls who clearly don't want to live on a farm: We get hints of Britt's shadiness from the gossip of the other girls, but really all we ever needed was her ABC bio. Britt is a waitress. In Hollywood. I don't know if she's angling to be the next Bachelorette or if this is just a means of promoting what has to be an acting career, but it's clear to everyone but Chris that Britt's never going to want to move to Iowa and live on a farm. I'm not necessarily saying she's being fake when she's around him, or that Britt doesn't have some very real feelings for Chris (also some very real hugs, I would imagine), but if not, then she's certainly not dealing with the reality of the situation (which is so weird because she's been given every opportunity to do so whilst whiling away the hours in a lavishly-appointed mansion and using the helicopter as her favored means of conveyance). Kardashley's choice to bring up Britt during her exit tantrum (not to be confused with her hottub tantrum, princess date tantrum, or her off-screen, but epic someone was talking during a favorite hair product commercial tantrum) was ill-conceived and immature, but it was not entirely unjustified.

The girls who aren't going to want to uproot their lives and move to a farm after seeing how Chris treated that one girl who clearly didn't want to live on a farm: Really most of the remainder of the girls fall into this camp. Whitney, Kaitlyn, Jade, and Becca all seem like the kind of girls who I wouldn't mind time-traveling back to the early 90s for to convince my parents to postpone that vasectomy and give conceiving a son one last shot so that I could someday submit an audition video for him to appear on The Bachelorette, council him through the process using the shameful depth of knowledge I've amassed on this show, and then eventually get to meet Zak from Des' seasonBachelorettes), and I'm including Jade's naked photos in my consideration (My husband, who caught the tale end of the preview scenes on the last episode summed it up best with: "Why does it matter if she posed in Playboy? Isn't the assumption when you go on this show that you're basically up for televised sex?"). The problem is, while I imagine each and every one would be happy to accept his proposal, I can't imagine them making it down the aisle with him after watching his weekly love fest with Britt. The icy stares Chris earned himself after this week's extremely poorly thought out concert with Big and Rich was the faintest of preview of things to come when any one of these strong and reasonable ladies watch
back Britt's "nap" date from last week. If the preview scenes are to be believed, Chris's mind is about to be changed, but I think he's going to be hard-pressed to convince his fiance that as of week 6 he hadn't pretty well decided on Britt.
at their inevitable televised wedding (or, you know, something more normal...like introducing them to a friend). From what we know of them now, it seems like any of them would be a perfectly lovely fit for Chris (though 3 out of the 4 of them would make for mind-numbingly boring

The crazy girls...oh wait: I, in no way, want to imply that I'm sad that Chris sent home both Kelsey and Kardashley this week, but, in some ways, these were the girls with whom he had the best chance of making it stick. In different ways, both treated the show like a game and bot might have been more willing to overlook his hormone-fueled Britt-page if it was perceived as being necessary for a "win." Chris just may get a second chance at this as I'm not convinced we've seen the last of Kelsey. Some of you may recall from the season's first preview scenes, Kelsey telling Chris that he gave her a second chance so she would do the same for him (or it might just me that watched them over and over again while drafting up the prospect reports...which might be why it's just me that sometimes just sees images of crying women when I close my eyes at night for the first time...). It's not outside of the realm of possibility that that was b-roll footage that we'll never actually see (they weirdly seem to do that a lot), but if that's not the case, well, we certainly haven't seen it yet!

Week 5, The Scores

	Kardashley - 45 +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for saying Jordan isn't "wife" material (this one may need to be added to the official rules) +10 for "I don't need to be concerned about that." +20 for bemoaning her impending loss in high stakes game of sad stories poker. Important Info: So, true story. A group of my high school friends used to play a version of "my life sucks" chess with the chess board we had lying around in our school office. If I remember correctly, I wasn't allowed to play because I had a boyfriend, so it, like real chess, is a game to which I do not know the rules, but...I'm sure high school them would be sympathetic to Kardashley's plight. However, because present day them are all...not high schoolers, I'm sure they would think she is a appallingly horrible human. The hits just kept coming for Kardashley this week and, while normally one assumes some serious editing manipulation is at play when villains are spawned in Bachelor world, between her treatment of Jordan, Whitney, and Kelsey, it really seems like Kardashley is just one of those women who isn't nice to other girls.
	Becca – 0 Important Info: I assume Becca is staying around for awhile just because I don't want to live in a world where Kardashley makes it to the fantasy suite (I also don't want to live in a world where the fate of reality television shows drives my enthusiasm for life but...I'm afraid that ship has sailed). But as much as I respect her soft-spoken normality...I also think it's time for Becca to show up for those of you who have her on your teams!
	Britt - 120 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting while her roommates also did not nap +15 for having Chris comment on her attractiveness +10 for facing a fear +5 for crying over that fear +50 for engaging in (alleged) fantasy suite activities outside of the fantasy suite (because the fantasy suite is really just for "napping," right? +10 for being called the perfect person for the date she was on Bonus: Britt was subjected to some pretty major behind the scenes character assassination this week from the revelation that she never showers to the (gasp) information that she might actually like being single....(pardon, my delay in continuing to type. I fainted dead away). That being said, she wracked up so many standard points this week, that I don't feel too guilty not giving her anything extra because the other ladies were talking behind her back. Important Info: Britt's fear of heights is highly suspect. That is all.
	Carly – 75 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +10 for being called the perfect person for the date she was on +10 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness +20 for reducing Chris to incoherent stuttering Bonus: +10 for her completely justified reaction to being shushed by Chris so that he could make-out with Britt Important Info: So, on the one hand, I sadly do not think that there's any chance that Carly is going to win. She's lovely, but you could tell from the way that Chris spoke about their connection that he's not feeling the same way toward her that he feels toward a number of the other girls. That being said, the conversations that Chris and Carly had seemed to have an unusual amount of depth. Chris' revelation that he is somewhat self-conscious about being a farmer and his discussion of his commitment issues just weren't things we've seen between him and the other girls. Maybe this is just a further sign that he's not really that into her and feels more comfortable admitting perceived flaws, but regardless, I think if I was the girl that he picked, this is the episode that would upset me the most.
	Jade – 25 +10 for revealing a...rare medical disorder Bonus: +15 for facing some very perilous peril Important Info: All I can say is that I hope it is later revealed that Jade fell out of the boat on purpose because otherwise the entire day portion of this date was a waste of precious minutes that could have been devoted to the craziness that characterized the rest of the episode
	Jordan – 65 Eliminated...Again...On an Episode where No One was Eliminated... +5 for crying Bonus: +50 for returning to the show "uninvited" +10 for really laying it on thick with the references to faith. (I'm not sure why people think that Christianity and sobriety are synonymous. Jesus' first miracle was the whole water to wine thing!) Important Info: I've already commented on what I felt like were somewhat unfair dealings for Jordan, but I will say that this time she went out with an impressive amount of class. I hope she at least has that to cling to while people debate wether or not she's an alcoholic on TMZ.
	Kaitlyn – 15 Bonus: +5 for saying she was kind of excited to watch the whole Jordan situation blow up. Her self-awareness about how this show operates is on a whole different level. +10 for repeating "Who's Pissed?" after Whitney got the rose.  Important Info: If it didn't seem super biased, I would seriously award Kaitlyn ALL the points and just declare everyone a winner who has her on their teams. It seems like a little bit of a long-shot given ABCs love of boringness and polish, but I really hope Kaitlyn is in the running for next Bachelorette.
	Kelsey – 125 +5 for crying +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +20 for stealing "unsanctioned" one-on-one time with Chris +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +25 for requiring medical attention +20 for reducing Chris to incoherent stuttering Bonus: +10 for totally getting her spot blown up by Chris. "I was going to tell you guys..." Okay, Kelsey. Sure. +30 for...I don't know...can I just say "other?" I've already spoken at length about my confusion about the whole Kelsey thing, but regardless of the explanation, the whole "my story is amazing" and this show "my story too" and just the general creepy vibe is certainly worthy of some points. Important Info: Just for the record, I don't really think Kelsey murdered her husband. She might not be the nicest person in the world, but apparently she's taking some rather serious heat on the twitters and people are actually arguing that she did. Seriously. Just because I want to write a fake lifetime move about her doesn't mean that I think she's actually the star of a lifetime-worthy story (but if she was Dean Cain would obviously be the only choice for Sanderson).
	Mackenzie – 15 +10 for referencing her connection with Chris Bonus: +5 for pretending to be Jade and saying she needed Chris to warm her butt. It made me giggle. Because I am a child. Important Info: I know Whitney was billed as this week's hero, but, as I mentioned, for me, it's Mackenzie all the way. Of course, in this league, heroism is tantamount to negative points, so...
	Megan – 10 +10 for confusing Mexico and New Mexico.  Important Info: Megan's ignorance of geography was the only thing she was allowed to showcase this week. I could fill an entire three-hour finale special with my ignorance of geography, so I'm not un-sympathetic.
	Samantha – 0 Important Info:  Samantha: I haven't had a one-on-one yet. Megan's Brain: Or a chance to talk.

Whitney – 40 +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing her connection with Chris (or maybe he referenced it? My notes aren't entirely clear...) Bonus: +10 for pointing out that Kardashley isn't pretending to be something she's not. It proves she's not only really sweet but also super astute! Important Info: Again, it's so very hard to give points for good deeds, but Whitney is pretty much the personification of a Disney Princess (I can't consider a cartoon with that small of a waist to be a person). If only ABC could plan some sort of date, maybe, like, something cross-promotional with a princess-related moving...?

Week 5, The Public Service Announcements

I'm not really sure that anyone was waiting for me, specifically to call it, bt I'm prettty positive that it's official. The moral fiber of America is unraveling. Did I enjoy this week's episode of The Bachelor? Absolutely, I did. In fact, it was almost as  big of train wreck as an episode of Bachelor in Paradise. But did I also think it signaled the oft foretold coming of the apocalypse? Well...probably. It would be one thing to simply witness the bevy of bad behavior, infighting, and just general terrible decision-making all in a single episode, but I think what really signified that the end of days is night is how incredibly self-aware the contestants seemed to be whilst committing each unspeakable act. I can only imagine that the choices we saw this week are the consequences of a generation weaned on reality TV, and it makes me more than a little bit worried for the fate of womankind.

I think it's probably too late to save these girls - they're doomed to be the forgotten generation, teh children who got left behind. But that doesn't mean we can't look to the future, to the young girls watching Jordan to perfect their twerk; wondering how Kardashley gets her eyelashes to luxurious and thick; plotting the adversity that they must face to be catapulted to stardom. It's not too late to save these innocent viewers, to prevent them from becoming Bachelor girls. To do this, I'm recommending an immediate program of remediation that kept so many of us 80's kids of crack. WE must couple each atrocity, each horror that crosses the screen with a public service announcement explaining why these behaviors aren't a good idea in real life (don't worry - we'll translate that to irl for all the word-hating tweens). So, let's use this week's episode to examine how this might work, exploring both the incidents and the mostly cartoon celebrities we would need to recruit to satisfactorily address these issues through the noble PSA:*

* Disclaimer: I learned in the process of writing this blog that I really don't have a bright future in sales. Some of these are really bad, you guys

This is a woman who would have
more than a few choice words for
Chris if she woke up to him making
out with Britt

He-Man/She-Ra: Unleash your Inner Princess of Power
He-Man and She-Ra actually once did a very special public service announcement about bad touching, so this seems to be a particularly apt choice for Carly and the absolute horror show of a date she was forced to live through this week. What broke my heart about Carly was not that she didn't voice her discomfort sooner during the Tantric chanting (I suppose, for her, it probably felt just like warming up for the midday, poolside, aft-deck, Swingin' Singalong of "Feelin' Hot"), but that her shattered self-confidence seems to have tricked her into believing that Chris might be the guy to make her feel beautiful and special. The worst part is, Carly's actually really likable when she's not in  a total tailspin about Britt. I want to be friends with Carly. I want to give her a big hug and tell her that she's smart and funny and frankly gorgeous and then I want to smack her in the head for thinking that a man can convince her of those things (I'll politely not give her any additional crap for picking a man who is dating 10 other girls. I imagine she already feels bad enough about that). And then we'll laugh and go watch an episode of She-Ra and talk about how she too kicked ass despite her perpetual single-ness (and also probably about how that show doesn't really stand the test of time because, alas, it does not).

Captain Planet: Did you know that the average person uses 430 tons of water a year? 
That's as much as 47 elephants (And even more if you accurately quantify it in terms of the total bullshit it actually is...). Look, I gotta be honest. I don't really care that Britt doesn't shower. And neither does Chris. As it was never explicitly mentioned, I have to imagine she doesn't smell bad, and she never looks any less than impeccably groomed and clean. In fact, I made something of a study of her hair after Carly called her out, and, inlike my hair which would be a solid mass of grease after a single day, Britt's looks pretty amazing. Sure, it's a little bit weird, but she'd clearly be Planeteer Gi's hero. And regardless of how you feel about Britt, all the mocking she took this week, both good natured and behind her back, read a little like sour grapes.

Ghostbusters: We contained a lot of ghosts in this epiosde, but there is one type of ghost that no proton pack is powerful enough to trap...
And those are the ghosts of your past decisions. The girls were haunted this week by Jordan, and Jordan was haunted by the spirit of tequila past. And look, it's fool hardy to debate whether Jordan deserves anything except, perhaps, a free Spring break in Mexico if they will consent further to be ridiculed and filmed. But, I have to say, I was a little bit disappointed that Chris didn't let Jordan stay. He seemed intrigued and maybe even a little impressed by the new, soberer Jordan, and, I think got bullied by the other girls to cut her loose. And between Chris' self-proclaimed commitment issues as well as the flimsy premise of this show being an actual vehicle to love, it seems like it would be best if Chris left himself as few opportunities for regret or doubt as possible.

My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic

This is a thing...a thing we should probably all be devoting our lives to
studying...

Just like the My Little Ponies would never exclude fanatical grown men from the ranks of their fandom, the pastel little beasties wouldn't want you to exclude your friends just for being previously discarded by the man that you and your other friends are currently vying for the attention of (in truth, they'd probably want you to band together and say terrible things about his over-gelled hair, his girlish laugh, and probably about the secret life we all know he has as a bronie, but that's perhaps a friendship lesson for another day). The showdown between Whitney and Kardashley on this very same subject was almost cartoon-like itself in its comical pitting of right vs. wrong. What was so mind-boggling about this fight though, wasn't that Whitney was essentially adorned with a halo and surrounded by chirping bird as she was making a forceful argument for why meanness is wrong, but that Kardashley legitimately did not understand the fundamentals of Whitney's argument. As baffled as I think we all were to hear Kardashley attempt to orchestrate a plan to ice out Jordan the likes of which you would ordinarily only overhear in the ladies room of a high school after curling your feet up so that no one knew you were in the stall crying and journaling, obviously), it seemed like Kardashley was even more puzzled to discover that others didn't immediately agree to her course of action. And as despicable as I find her, that definitely makes me feel a bit...I don't know..maybe, sort of, sorry for Kardashley? I might have to take a break from the ponies and go dig up my old Care Bears to adequately sort some of my feelings out.

Transformers: More than Meets the Eye
Okay, I know it's the show's tagline rather than a particularly persuasive slogan for a public service announcement, but it's just so fitting! I know I've been hard on Mackenzie these past couple of weeks, harping on her immaturity and her uncomfortable fascination with virginity, but this week she was actually sort of impressive, standing up for Whitney when it was of absolutely no discenrnable benefit to herself. Maybe it's an understandable response to being bullied for her staunch belief in aliens for all these years; maybe she just didn't want to let a Neville Longbottom moment pass her by; maybe I just need to give her credit for a little bit more togetherness than I thought. But whatever thre reason, when she responded to Kardashley's persistent whining with: "I've never seen anything bad in Whitney. You just don't like her," I was shocked and not a little impressed.

Not only is the hat inoffensive, but it's useful in every country!

Inspector Gadget: Go-Go-Gadget Ignorance!
I loved Inspector Gadget as a child. In fact, I used to pretend to be Inspector Gadget. Not Penny, not that smug Brain. Inspector Gadget. Which means I have a long track record of fully supporting ridiculous doofuses. And for awhile this week, I found myself rooting for Megan to find her beach and get a stamp in her passport. After all, she never claimed to be a geography expert! There was a point, though, where ignorance veered dangerously into racist territory (perhaps with the faux native American chanting), where I found my good will unraveling...in part toward Megan (though I assume her own eventual mortification may be punishment enough) but largely towards ABC. Because why on earth would those assholes give her a sombrero.

G.I. Joe - Let not your tragedies define you, but be sure you milk them to get a rose.
Look, we all know G.I. Joe would dominate the show. Not only is he a soldier, but he is locked in a perpetual war against, I guess, agents o some sort of acronymed military state (and you just know the producers would get a kick out of sending him on a date where he had to face live cobras). He's killed other men with his bare hands; he's held his closest friends in his arms and watched the light fade in their eyes; he is completely lacking any discernible male genitalia. He would clean up - hometown date for sure, maybe even the fantasy suites if there was any kind of connection beyond the standard pity lust. But see, I can say that...because I'm not on TV trying to win a game that prides itself on being nothing of the sort (also, no one cares what I think). The shocking part of this week was that the contestants basically said that. As I mentioned above, it was like the whole show became self-aware (note, I said the show. The girls certainly seem to remain very much in the dark about their flaws), and flexed its metacognitive muscles when it came to its treatment of tragedy. Kelsey's revelation of her husband's untimely death was treated like the key rook in a chess match (or whatever piece is considered important. All this reality-television-watching has left a hole in my brain the exact shape and size of chess rules), maybe by Kelsey, but definitely by a bevy of other girls who felt no qualms about bemoaning their own lack of dearly departed paramour to parlay into a rose. This season's show has been full of trashy magic, but part of me wonders  if its acknowledgement of the tragic machinations and sexual widgets that make it go will prove to be the beginning of the end. Because if this self-awareness is entertaining and new, I think we all still have to wonder, where does the show go from here? Part of the reason that smart women like watching the show is to identify the patterns, the intricate webs of manipulation lurking just beneath the "connections" and the earnest confessions of love. I'm just not totally sure we want it all spelled out for us by the contestants.


Pee Wee Herman: "It isn't worth it."
Those are the exact words from Pee Wee Herman's upsetting and confusing crack cocaine PSA he had to make as penance for the best-left undiscussed theater incident in the 90s. But I'm pretty sure they also apply to Kelsey. And who better to deliver the message than the master of the inexplicable himself? I legitimately can't figure out what's going on with Kelsey. It seems, in part, that she's gotten a little too chummy with one of the producers who's convincing her to say some pretty messed up things, but there's a whole other unaccounted for part that I'm just in no way prepared to explain. The panic attack, the rehearsed and creepy toast, the extremely unsettling treatment of her "beautiful" story, even the way she transformed her husband's death into an immedaite and lingering kiss...it was all just incredibly strange. Now, it's fully possible that the editing is to blame and that we're missing important bits of context that might normalize everything, but in the event that that's somehow not the case, I've prepared some explanations:

    1) Kelsey is a manipulative sociopath who's using poor Sanford's death for her own ill-gotten gain. Though I think this is the one we're supposed to believe, I find it pretty uncomfortable and unsatisfying (and not just because I have a hard time believing in the authenticity of a guy named Sanford), so let's move quickly to....
    2) Kelsey is a black widow who ensorcelled, married, then murdered her husband as a fool proof method of turning her countless rejected Bachelor audition tapes into a giant pile of yes (Is it weird that I'm less uncomfortable with this explanation than I am with #1?)
    3) Chris is Sanford, and he and Kelsey (who, in this scenario somehow gets off on seeing him with other girls) are waiting for the actual most dramatic After the Final Rose in Bachelor history to make their big reveal

I don't know which option is right (though clearly, it's one of them!), but I do know Pee Wee's Playhouse was essential in teaching me how to Connect the Dots (la la la la). The secret word of the day is "baffling," kids!