Episode 7, The Probable: Brooks

Despite my wild speculating and the footage that makes the secret appear to be Drew's, it's gotta be that Brooks just isn't that into Des, right?  This week's episode had to have been foreshadowing, didn't it?  Not just a pointless exercise in self-hate?

Episode 7, The Good....Because I Can't Stand to Pile On Another Tragedy: Drew

Lord knows I've probably made it clear by now that I'm not a huge fan of the personal tragedy that The Bachelore/ette franchise seems to trade in like they're some kind of a German filmmaker or Jonathan Franzen.  Heck, I've even been known to root against contestants for revealing too much too soon, for relying on a questionable secret like the that eating disorder they had back in 7th grade or the girlfriend they cheated on when they were 12. But Drew seems to have endured more than his fair share of personal strife - the alcoholic father, the burden of raising his mentally disabled sister when he was just a kid, the improbably recovery of his father just in time for him to be struck down with cancer - it's just kind of a lot.

And so, because I feel reluctant to kick the man while he's down, even fictitiously, here, based on absolutely no fact and apropos of pretty much nothing, is the deep, dark secret that I'm pretty sure Drew has been hiding. Drew is a contestant on, or perhaps the host of a new meta-reality-style prank show on which the purpose is to invade another reality show and get as far in the contest as you can. Just think about it - would anybody really notice if an extra camera showed up and started filming amongst the gaggle that generally follows Des?

Though his top three finish on The Bachelorette will be impressive indeed, just wait until next year when he infiltrates America's Next Top Model. Tyra's going to love his cheekbones, his natural, perpetual smize, his femininely manly androgyny. Things will look bad for him in week 7 when he refuses to pose nude, but week 8's photo shoot in which he leverages his dad's struggle with addiction to pose as a maggot trapped inside a rotting piece of fruit will mark the turning point in his ascent to the historically meaningless Top Model crown.

Episode 7, The Bad - Coming to a Theater Near You in May of 2014: Michael

Now, I don't think that just because Michael went home this week, it means he should miss out on all the fun (by which I mean my fun at his expense). Because if Desiree had let him get that far, Michael would have had to show off his lavishly furnished apartment that no respectable federal prosecutor could possibly afford and confess that he was on the take.

I know that it sounds kind of unlikely, but this pretty much explains everything we know and question about Michael. It's really sort of your classic American tragedy. Just picture Michael: young, fatherless, and crippled by medical bills. With no real hope for his future, for his continued educational development, for someday embarrassing himself on national TV. Then, one day, he's approached by a swarthy rough a tumble type who speaks with some sort of stereotypical accent (so, Mikey T) and offers to make all his dreams come true (I think it's an unspoken rule that this only veers into fan fiction territory if I mention someone's throbbing member, so we should be safe here, right?). All Michael has to do is pledge to spend his career working for the Miami mob.

Fast forward 15 years and Michael's a big shot Federal Prosecutor. He's winning cases, channeling his above average degree of bluster into Grisham-style closing arguments, and just generally living the dream. And all he has to do is just take a little dive once in awhile when a RICO case crosses his desk. Now, I'm no expert on the Miami organized crime scene (I know. It pains me when I fail you guys too), but I'm guessing if they have Michael in their back pocket, they have a few federal judges on the payroll as well. So if Michael fudged his way through law school, if he slept through the class where they covered hearsay and the amount of legal metaphor it's appropriate to infuse into everyday speech - hey, no biggie. The judges can cover for him!

Is Michael a little bit aggressive? Sure! But what would you expect from someone who had spent so much time surrounded by that sort of thing. I'm just sad we won't get to watch Michael stumble through an introduction to his Great "Uncle" Don "The Blazer" Crockett on his hometown date (and even more sad that we won't be treated to a very special Chris Harrison Presents follow-up episode in which Michael struggles to convince Des to into witness protection with him after he turns state's)

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Episode 7, The Good, The Bad, and The Banal: Chris

Let's be real. I'd be pretty hard pressed to string two sentences together about the non-occurrences that somehow filled 90 minutes on this week's episode. This episode was pure filler, penance we were all forced to pay to find out whose family only gives their blessing with teeth gritted and Chris Harrison standing off camera with a cattle prod, what shocking secrets are left to be revealed, and, I suppose, grudgingly, who gets down on one knee to become the last ever man to make Des cry with saccharine rhyming nonsense.

But if we're being honest with ourselves (which, I think Chris Harrison would advocate, is an essential part of the Bachelor process), we're really all just watching to see the devastating truth that sets Des and, from the
looks of it, all the other men reeling in the penultimate episode. So this week, in an effort to erase the memory of the meaningless hours we whiled away watching Des complain about tropical fruit, we'll focus on what the big secret might be and who, exactly, is hiding it. Though the editors certainly want us to believe it's Drew, we've all been fooled before by their artful work, so I'll devoted a little bit of time to what each of these strong bastions of manhood have festering in their dirty laundry (asides from four week's worth of v-necks marinated in axe body spray).

First up, we'll turn to Chris, the lovable, goofy poet who seems just a few synapses short of those required to generate an evil plot. Years of practice has taught us that the secret is going to be something like lingering feelings for an ex-girlfriend back home or some other unconvincing excuse (I'm sorry - did I say unconvincing excuse?  I meant "job" or "child." It's funny how similar those words are) that they must immediately get back to, but wouldn't it be amazing if, just once, it was something more realistic?  Something equally upsetting, but more banal - more like the issues actual couples face when they're deciding to take the next step on their romantic journey (I'll never forget the words my husband said to me when we decided to take those next steps: "Honey," he said to me. "You're an amazing, amazing person. With that said, why are we paying a collective $3600 per month on rent? Let's try domestic cohabitation in a one bedroom apartment with a sunroom. It seems like the perfect place to find love.")

It always irked me a little bit that we never got to see Emily and Jef have a reasonable conversation about religion, which ostensibly was pretty important to Jef and is a major life decision that you probably shouldn't fake with marionette role play and time spent on the gun range. But here's hoping we get another chance with Des and Chris when he reveals his deepest secret is: insurmountable credit card debt!

Yes, that's right. Chris, like millions of Americans has ruined his credit living a life that's beyond his means. Let's face it. Chris is repeatedly billed as a "former baseball player" and not in the way that Cal Ripkin or Ken Griffey Jr. are "former baseball players" either. We know the guy hangs out in coffee shops all day, probably mooching off the free wifi and trying to think of a word that rhymes with "bill collector." Chris seems like a decent enough guy, so I can't say I'm exactly rooting for him to have a future filled with anxiety and stress, but I still find myself hoping against hopes that we're building toward a conversation that involves Des somberly saying if she ever wants to start her own fashion line, she can't be saddled with that much debt before she sends Chris packing. There'd be a little something refreshing about something so real.

Episode 6, The Scores

	Brooks - 5 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing on a group date
	Chris – 25 +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for receiving a poem (and a -10 for all of our IQs for having to listen to it)
	Drew – 80 +10 (5x2) for kissing on a date but in the romantic setting of an alley (which is pretty much just like a hot tub) +5 for crying +15 for revealing a personal tragedy +30 for tattling +20 for date rose
	James – 20 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for essentially saying "Did not" +10 for correctly identifying hearsay
	Juan Pablo – 25 Eliminated +10 for referencing his connection with Des +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for choreographing some amazing goal celebrations
	Kasey – 45 Eliminated +30 for tattling (even though it was totally unnecessary by the time he got in the game) Bonus: +5 for essentially saying "Did too" +10 for using the word "counter-accusate"
	Michael G. – 5 +5 for a rose
	Zak W. – 40 +5 for date kissing +20 for a date rose +15 for intentional near-nudity

Episode 6, The Drama

The Situation: Tattling to Des about James
How Dramatic Was It? Not as dramatic as it might have been in I still cared at all.  Look, it's always a risk to tattle on someone on the Bachelor/ette. No matter how many times each Bachelor/ette claims he or she wants you to come tell them if someone's intentions aren't good, what they mean is "Come tell me if someone's intentions aren't good...unless it's someone that I like better than you."  Drew played it smart and safe by waiting to tell Des until after he had secured his date rose, but it didn't save the group from a teary "I'm almost resent the guys from putting this on me" later in the episode (which, seriously - unless they guys turn out to be an elite hit squad assembled to put an end to her currently very overproduced life - I just don't see any circumstances under which Des should be regretting these poor saps who are hanging around a hotel room all day in hopes of snagging five minutes of her time)
Who's to Blame? Ben Flajnik. Not that there needs  to be a reason to blame Ben Flajnik, but he was really the guy who standardized the practice of sending home anyone who spoke out against the woman he lusted after.

The Situation: Confronting James en masse
How Dramatic Was It? I don't even know. I know there may be some degree of hypocrisy in devoted the lion's share of a post to a situation that I'm complaining about not being dramatic enough, but, this is pretty obviously a four man horse race, and given that none those men are interesting enough to merit even a quarter of the minutes devoted to James this week, we're looking at a very bleak end of the season.
Who's to Blame? This is actually a tricky one, and perhaps an unprecedented Bachelorette event, because I actually think no one was in the wrong here. On the one hand, Jame is right. He wasn't saying he was hoping not to wind up with Desiree. He was just saying, if he didn't, at least he had a shot at being the next Bachelor (although his grasp of statistics and basic probability left a little something to be desired).  I'm pretty sure he just gave voice to a thought that occurs to most of the guys over the course of the season as they realize how incredibly slim the odds are of getting to propose to Desiree - and let's face it, the guys it doesn't  occur to are the overly intense guys that nobody wants any part of, like Brandon.  On the other hand, you pretty much open yourself up for any criticism they want to dish out when you say these things aloud. I'd be pretty peeved if the guy I was seeing was talking about the next girl he was going to date.....but that doesn't mean similar thoughts wouldn't simultaneously be floating through my brain.  As always, we have to give the edge to relative stupidity, and say James was to blame for this, but that doesn't mean I think he was in slimy spin mode when he seemed upset and confused (although I did not care for him swearing on the life of his sick father - I know he thought he was telling the truth, but still...gross).  Also, big points to Mikey T. for apparently knowing exactly where he stood - you're gonna be alright big fella!

The Situation: Des' decision to let James sweat it out at the rose ceremony
How Dramatic Was It? It wasn't dramatic at all. And moreover. It was dumb.  With four out of five of the roses already on lock, we all knew she wasn't going to dole out the final flower to the one guy who had given her major reasons to doubt him, so all this really accomplished was robbing those of you who have James on your team of some much needed points.

Who's to Blame? The producers. No matter what she claimed, Des knew she was sending James home.  Heck, they started the episode with Chris Harrison informing them that their wouldn't be a cocktail party. Which either means, some intern just got fired for forgetting to reserve one of the Barcelona hotel's conference spaces, or Des had her mind made up from minute one.

The Situation: The final rose
How Dramatic Was It? Surprisingly dramatic. Just because I cannot believe she picked Michael G.

Who's to Blame? This one's a little bit circuitous, but I think we can safely blame Zak W. for her final pick. James and Kasey were never going to make it out of this episode, but, had I not spent way to much time analyzing scene's from the season during week one of the show, I would have been more than a little surprised to learn Michael G. was her final pick.  In part, this is because Michael G. is awful and I can't imagine her wanting to be around him for another week, but in part, this is also because it was so clear she wanted to screw Juan Pablo.  I can only assume that it went down like this:  Zak and Juan Pablo have always been in a bit of a race to be the heir to the fantasy suite throne, but after his date this week, Zak pulled ahead. Des did the math, realized that with Chris and Brooks and her pesky feelings, there was no way she was sneaking more than one of these guys into the top three, so she figured she might as well crush Juan Pablo's dreams now, rather than next week when failure to procure a rose becomes akin to Des sending a giant middle figure to Juan Pablo's 6-year old daughter (no Wikipedia this time - I'm just making things up).  So, I guess actually Zak and good, solid logic are to blame - two things that I imagine are not often referenced in the same sentence.

Episode 6, The Guys

  So, I don't actually know any men who watch a lot of women's sports outside of, maybe tennis and the Olympics. A lot of them feel that, compared to their male counterparts, female athletes are slower, less physical, and generally less entertaining to watch. And I could go on about how this is a byproduct of latent sexism caused by the entrenched gender roles of kindergarten classrooms and Society, but I won't because the only group of people I know who spend even less time watching women's sports than man are other women. I don't think there's anything wrong with hypothesizing that 9 times out of 10, a professional men's team will beat a professional women's team of the same relative caliber (and the 10th time there's a Chinese swimmer involved that you just know is up to something fishy) because despite gender equality in sense, intelligence, and the ability to watch Brian's Song without crying, we still have some physical differences. But despite all this, I don't think I know any man who is possessed of the asinine arrogance that enables him to believe that he, an average run-of-the-mill guy with maybe  a few year's of high school soccer under his belt could hold his own against a professional women's team. So here, in order of how abhorrent I now find them after this week's display, are the men:

Michael G. - Okay, so Michael G. didn't do or say anything particularly upsetting to set my generally repressed "Girl Power" sensibilities a-tingling, but I just couldn't place him anywhere but first on this list. It would probably be enough to ensure my everlasting hate that he just won't stop with the courtroom drama cliches, but Michael's offenses go beyond that. I think Michael is probably pretty easily the smartest guy in the house, and I think, Jame is right, he uses his intelligence to bully people. There was just no reason for him to be in the middle of the James drama this week, and if his job wasn't on the line before, you  can imagine Eric Holder (or whoever on his staff has been tasked with watching The Bachelorette to ensure that his reputation for being tough but fair and the general honor afforded to his office remains in tact), will be none to pleased to discover Michael apparently doesn't know what hearsay is.

Kasey: Kasey got the slight edge over Brooks here because of his involvement in the whole James thing (although, let's face it, Brooks and Chris were probably both involved but were just shielded from appearing on screen during the whole debacle because there the runway favorites to win/become the next super boring Bachelor), but really it was his sickening laugh and gleeful exclamation of "It's six girls," that drove the reversal of my affections from last week.

Brooks: It's possible that Brooks was just trying to be funny - he seemed to be cast in that role a lot during this episode, providing one-liner quips about Juan Pablo and James - but he dropped a few levels in my already pretty apathetic esteem when he said, "If we don't beat [the girls] we're going to be embarrassed forever." Maybe this kind of sexism really rings Des' bell (see: Lowe, Sean), but she has to at least reconsider a little given the moronic irony of his follow up comment that James was failing the team by playing like a girl.

James: So, more on James later, but there is nothing I hate more in a villain than the "Everybody's ganing up on me" defense. If everybody's going to doing it anyway, James, don't waste your energy whining about feeling excluded. Do something awesome and evil to deserve it.

Chris: I know that this week it wasn't technically his fault, but it's hard not too hate a guy who's followed by rhyming poetry every time he appears on screen (hell, it'd be pretty damn insufferable with not rhyming poetry). Can you even imagine the crimes against the English language we're all in store for if Chris becomes the next Bachelor?

Drew: Because what woman wants to make out in a well-appointed, warmly-lit courtyard when she can do the same in a dark alley where the presence of her camera crew is even less subtle?

Juan Pablo: I'm sure I could have come up with a reason to hate him if he had only been given more screen time, but at least Juan Pablo gave credit where credit was due to the talent of the lady soccer players this week. I will say that his wikipedia page (which, yes, I've read twice now for those of you judging at home) leads me to believe that he abandoned his soccer career so he could spend more time with his daughter....by launching a new career in American reality TV. So we can certainly say that critical reasoning is maybe not his strong suit.

Zak: Okay, I admit it. I've gone full on Blakey over Zak (which is appropriate as I imagine they've both had similar degrees of "work" done). While I would never want to date him myself or foist him onto anyone I know, in the context of the show, I think he's the best, and I hope he gets to show Des his naked balcony, and demonstrate his expertise in fluid drilling, and do all kinds of things that sound vaguely dirty but that I intend innocently before his 6-month engagement to her ends in heartbreak. Ultimately, I know the best Zak can hope for is to ride Desiree's inexplicably attraction to him to the fantasy suite, but his exaggerated facial expressions, his goofy delight at his own ridiculousness on his date, and his restraint from making any kind of homophobic comment about the nude model (which, while hopefully standard in the real world, must be considered admirable in the strangely conservative world of the Bachelor/ette) has me hoping he'll go the distance.