Weeks 7 and 8, The Scores

So first of all, one incredibly important message for Ben: Fair rides should scare you, man. They are terrifying.

	Amanda – 70 Eliminated +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +5 for cryng Bonus: +15 for gamely playing along with the absolutely shameless McDonald's product placement.  Important Info: I have lots of important thoughts about Amanda this week, so let's not hold back!   1) There's a reason that Lady and the Tramp shared noodles and not a french fry. The dampness of one's mouth doesn't compromise the textural integrity of spaghetti so it's not that gross (If you limit your focus to the relatively narrow world of things that have been in other people's mouths where it falls after the tongues of those you find attractive and oxygen tank mouthpieces in the midst of a shipwreck. If you look more globally it's much, much further down the "not that gross" list). But a french fry gets soggy quickly, so rather than a romantic "Bella Notte" as envisioned by Walt Disney himself, you quickly go down the path to a baby bird regurgitation scenario. And I don't think that's on anyone's list as a necessary precursor to a hometown date. 2) There are plenty of signs that Ben is not ready to have kids, but I'm not sure any of them were quite as blatant as his tight and tiny swim trunks. I know the editors wanted to make us think it was the crying that was wearing on Ben's last nerve, but after a day of sand and chasing in those things, if feels like some pretty wicked chafing probably came into play. 3) Amanda hasn't exactly been at the top of my list this season in terms of contestants that I love. And I will remain staunchly devoted to hoping that she doesn't find herself in paradise this summer where it becomes much harder to claim that you're doing it for your kids. That being said when she was making her departure, the death stare she was shooting Ben all while saying extremely classy and sympathetic things was almost enough to make me cherish her the way that Ben hopes that someday some man who is very much not him will.
	Becca - 15 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for being pissed Ben didn't send her home before the rose ceremony. On the one hand, he probably did have a pretty good idea that this was going to happen after the 3-on-1 date. On the other hand...that is literally the central conceit of the entire show that you signed up to be on...for a second time. Important Info: I will give credit to Becca, however, for her comment that "her family matters too." I get that she doesn't have kids so it's really the same as it is for Amanda, but every year on this very date the bachelor/bachelorette makes some sort of speech about the importance of one contestant's hometown above all others and it always plays as hurtful and unnecessary. Although somewhere in California, I'm sure Becca's family is thrilled. After all, they trotted out the hospitality carpet for Chris, cooked the man an entire meal of food, and look where that got them!
	Caila – 65 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +30 (15 x 2) for Ben commenting on her attractiveness twice +10 (5 x 2) for crying twice +5 for kissing on a one-on-one Bonus: +10 for comparing Emily to a puppy. Mighty condescending given that Caila is a wizened 24 years old to Emily's eager 23. But I guess for dogs that is a difference of 7 years... Important Info: Also a lot of thoughts about Caila: 1) Last week Caila said she was "Moss looking for a tree to grow on." Which saddens me. Because come on girl. Be another tree! 2) I'm really confused by Caila's family. On the one hand, she said that she moved 17 times before college, but on the other hand...her Dad is the CEO of a toy company? I need to know more about this, especially since the man wasn't exactly giving off the secret spy vibe (or the non-secret spy vibe...which I guess would just be the vibe of a really bad spy?) 3) Although maybe he is sme sort of criminal mastermind. He must have something over his workers to get them to clap with enthusiasm as his daughter gets carried through the factory by some random man, right? 4) And finally, on an unrelated note...can we all go ahead and agree that Ben's keeping Caila around because she's the girl he wants to get into the fantasy suite?
	Emily – 35 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +15 for making Ben's mom cry +15 for enduring the unprecedented indignity of having to tell the other girls about her unceremonious dumping Important Info: So...I've never tried to be an NFL cheerleader before (for so, so many reasons including but not limited to a preference for mean-spirited taunting rather than upbeat cheering; a lack of mastery of the hair flip; calves not suited to white, leather boots; a deep seated pom-pom phobia), but then again, I'm also not a hot blonde twin for whom it doesn't seem like it should be all that hard....I mean, I don't want to begrudge Emily anything. She seems like a very nice girl and she should absolutely aim for her dreams. But then, I'd say, maybe...aim just a little bit higher...?
	Jo Jo – 80 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 for being called the perfect person for the date she is on +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +10 (5 x 2) for crying twice Bonus: +25 for the emergence of her ex-boyfriend and her weird staged reaction to something that I am sure she had already read (and, who are we kidding, called and micro-analyzed with her four closest friends) Important Info: Some thoughts on Jo Jo: 1) Jo Jo's ex-boyfriend "now knows what love is because [Jo Jo] showed him what love is." Which is great for Chad. Don't get me wrong. Real emotional growth, but...do we think he might have been more successful if he had stolen less of his speech from Foreigner? 2) Jo Jo's brothers (or as they shall henceforth be known: hot Adrian Brody and Not At All Unattractive Other Brother - which, seriously, can we see photos of Jo Jo's parents from when they were younger? Because they clearly did some impressive genetic work here) made some extremely valid points, including:    a) How can you fall in love with someone with whom you've only been on two dates? (Do we think Chad could help clarify what with all of his power-ballad-derived knowledge? Could it maybe have something to do with seeing love shine through some measure of clouds? Or climbing a mountain? Chad, please help!)    b) Ben might not be as into Jo Jo as she is into him given that his attempt to reassure her brothers as to his feelings included reference to all the time they have left to have conversations. Which might be a valid part of a book pitch for a sequel to Tuesdays with Morrie, but doesn't exactly sound like deep meaningful love. Not to mention when her brothers tried to give him an out by suggesting he wasn't allowed to say certain things, he denied it. This could come down to him not being very clever, but...I can see why they were somewhat less than convinced.    c) The Bachelor process is 100% set up to brainwash the contestants into falling in love. Yes, Not At All Unattractive Other Brother. Well noted. Let me know if you are available to guest blog. 3) Ben noted that he felt like Jo Jo's family was talking about him behind his back. This confused me because I'm pretty sure what was actually caught on film was him and the family talking behind Jo Jo's back.
	Lauren B. – 65 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +5 for crying +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +15 for being forced to re-enact Ben's first kiss...which, it should go without saying, happened with a completely non-Lauren B. person +10 for Lauren's sister making Ben cry Important Info: Aaaaand just a few notes about Lauren B.: 1) This week, Lauren B. put up with a weird grilled cheese airplane thing. Not sure if that means she's a keeper, but then again, equally unsure about Ben 2) I actually buy Lauren's statement that Ben will make a great Dad...to a point. Because while he may be great while their kids are young, Lauren's brothers proved that he needs a little bit of work on his awkward prepubescent sex talk preparation. 3) So, Caila is the one with whom Ben has the "deepest" relationship and Jo Jo is the one with whom Ben can be himself. And yet, despite his lack of canned description, it seems to me like Lauren B. is the one he wants to be with

Week 6, The Scores

	Amanda – 30 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Important Info: Do you know what maybe isn't the best thing to say to a chirpy mother of two? "By day it's really hard to prove, but by night, you're the girl I'm really into." You know, unless what he's really into is being awoken in the middle of the night for damp sheets, bad dreams, and glasses of water. Then I guess it's feels more right.
	Becca - 35 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +15 for facing a fear that she didn't even know that she had!! Important Info: Seriously, guys. Robot Becca noticed what was going on with Ben and Lauren B. this week. And as I imagine she's not great at recognizing much in the way of emotions or physical gestures, whatever they opted not to show us had to be exceptionally blatant.
	Caila – 45 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for telling Ben she's falling in love with him...you know...more or less Important Info: My favorite part about Ben's date with Caila was when she said she knew she was falling in love because she felt understood. Caila, the man has three facial expressions. The one he was flashing at you throughout your meal wasn't understanding....
	Emily – 40 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for saying she still has so much life to experience and she wants Ben to experience it with her...not because it was untrue but because it was so, so very ridiculous Important Info: Emily said she was worried that Olivia wouldn't show her true colors on the date, but perhaps she should have also been worried that Olivia wouldn't show them on film. Seriously, what did Olivia do to her besides offer her some (probably much needed) mothering?
	Haley - 10 Bonus: By special request, Haley gets some points for having to continually be Emily's lifeline and offering supportive sisterly consoling. Important Info: Maybe Haley's just having a grand old time wearing all of Emily's clothes and flirting with her ex-boyfriends back home. Because otherwise, Emily is going to owe her, minimally, a kidney when she eventually gets sent home in a couple of weeks. She's asking an awful lot of her twin sister.
	Jennifer – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Jennifer basically is Ben. Strong morals, dark hair, and exceptionally boring. It's hard to know which of these got her sent home, but my money is on number two!
	Jo Jo – 25 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for comparing the pig-ridden island to a bar in Dallas. By Texas bias is strong enough that I can't decide if she was implying that the men are boorish or if there are actually pigs in Dallas bars, but it was a pretty good line nonetheless Important Info: Another source of confusion this week was Jo Jo's rose ceremony breakdown. Ben's always seemed super into her, but then again, he also seems to view her as his best friend, so...maybe she's been subjected to post mortems of his makeout sessions with Lauren that just haven't been appearing on screen?
	Lauren B. – 20 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +5 for crying +5 for misusing the word literally Important Info: I am sympathetic to Lauren's need to incessantly talk about something that's not going super great, but maybe...doing that with girls in the house who you are competing with might have a little something to do with why you are finding yourself less than universally popular?
	Lauren H. – 15 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for admitting that she quit her job Important Info: Poor Lauren! And kindergarten jobs really aren't that easy to find! I just hope she manages to steer clear of Bachelor in Paradise or, as it might be more appropriately named, The Summer Vacation that Will Guarantee You Never Teach Again.
	Leah – 170 +5 for a rose +5 for crying +30 for tattling on Lauren B. +20 for stealing "unsanctioned" time with Ben +100 for getting kicked off outside of game play Bonus: +10 for being edited into making a metaphor about someone else's date while be very sad about not being on said date yourself Important Info: So obviously I was wrong about Leah getting sent home (or perhaps I was just early! Could we even say "advanced?"). But I wasn't wrong about Ben's feelings toward her. Ben wants the women to be honest with him, but that doesn't mean his response to said honesty won't be "Suck it up. There's plenty of time on group dates too."
	Olivia – 75 Eliminated +15 for telling Ben she's in love with him +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +25 for being abandoned on a deserted island (okay so semi-deserted. But I won't deprive you all of points because they caught her producers in the long shot!) Bonus: +20 for the amazing collective statements she made this week in defending why she doesn't get along with the other girls, including: "I'm into reading books and thinking." "I want to talk smart things." (Subtext: Although I'd like to talk about them in grammatically questionable ways) "Deep intellectual things are my jam" "I'm very grounded and in tune with my body" (Wait, what? How is this one relevant? And how in tune with your body can you be if you're not even into painting your nails!?!) Important Info: Amazing though they were, I'm not sure she really thought through the impact her words would have on Ben. It's possible that he was reacting to the arrogance of her saying "All those other women you hang out with are vapid bimbos." But I think his reaction was more along the lines of..."Smart things? Yuck!"

Week 6, The Confusion

So I completely realize that this show isn't a documentary or some sort of live feed of Pandas at the national zoo (although wouldn't we all be considerably happier if it were? Maybe even better?) and that every year, you're going to get a few contestants with particularly harsh or extraordinarily generous edits. And I'm totally okay with that. I don't need to see the humanity behind the villain or the cattiness behind the princess (not that I think the editors cattiness-meters are so carefully calibrated after all these years. Just because Amanda was the one to drop that sweet, silver comment about Lauren H. never coming back doesn't mean that it's not Civil War-era bitchery), but this year, it seems sort of like the person who they are editing to fit their narrative may, in fact, be Ben. And it's leading to a number of "What the #$&@ just happened?" moments. For example, things that confused me this week:

A portrait of Ben. 

Caila: Oh, women! I legitimately believe that is what we were supposed to think this week as we watched Caila stumble through an explanation of how she is falling in love with Ben, yet she fears she can't ever be fully in love, and is scared to break his heart. I think we were supposed to titter at how confusing she was and then marvel at patient, kind, good Ben who is willing to put in the work. But the thing is, Caila wasn't really all that confusing. In fact I can explain her in two words: She's 24. (Is it cheating that one of the words was a contraction? Do you think Ben is judging me? I'm just really complicated in the way that I sometimes count words, you guys). What was confusing was what Ben wanted from her. He said he was worried that he was only getting to know her on the surface because she was happy all the time and hadn't cried with him. And then he decided he did know the real Caila because she really put herself out there by...saying nice things about him. The power dynamic on this show is always pretty messed up, but Ben is sending mixed signals about what exactly he wants. Does he want the women to be serious and deep or does he just want them to be really, really into him? Because as hard as it is to believe, those are not the same thing. Because being really into Ben takes the same emotional depth as liking noodles with butter sauce. Because it seems unfair to expect anyone to talk about her cousin's complicity in a grim series of goldfish suicides in the same breath that she is telling you how amazing you are.

Lauren B.: So, this is probably where the editors most notably failed us. Clearly, throughout that date, something was going on with Lauren B. and Ben. The girls weren't getting all bent out of shape because of the cannibalistic pigs (also just known as pigs) or because Ben brought them to the Bahamas during the height of monsoon season. There was some hard core flirting or canoodling or perhaps light fondling going on visible to the other women but not present on our TV screens. And after a season of the Queen of All Thing subtle, Kaitlyn, I suppose it makes sense that the producers would want to be sure that Ben played his cards a little bit closer to the vest, but...it just seems like they might want to invest some time in energy in coming up with a better story than "things were weird." I suspect that things were actually jealousy and hurt feelings and Ben being sort of a dick, but it is hard to actually discern when they devote more time to the developing relationships between these women and farm animals on screen than they do to that of equally domesticated creature, Ben.


Emily and Olivia: Yeah, okay. So there really wasn't all that much confusion on this date. In fact, pretty much everything about the dreaded 2-on-1 took a page right out of the generic Bachelor playbook. Two ladies that hate each other? Check. One who's really confident and one who's filled with doubt? Check. Stranding someone on a deserted island? Check. Prohibiting anyone from bringing a book even though they will clearly have to spend extended periods of time by themselves, staring off into the middle distance? Probably check. (I cannot confirm with 100% certainty that sneaking deep intellectual things along on dates under her jorts isn't also Olivia's jam). The only thing that troubles me a little is...if someone tells you she loves you and you know you're not into it...are there really circumstances under which making out with her is the appropriate option?

Leah: Apparently there's a girl named Leah on this show?  Which leads us to....

Jo Jo: Okay, okay. As much as I am loath to violate my 50 word maximum on Leah, I'll see if I can do a little bit better than that.

Leah: So I think we can all probably agree that Leah came off looking like a bit of a crazy person. She came on the show, had virtually no connection with Ben (which I think we can all solidly attribute to her failure to say something along the lines of "I just feel so vulnerable with you Ben. I suspect it's because you're just oh so very witty and understanding and attractive"), and then went out of her way to go off half-cocked on Lauren B. even seeking the first ever jealousy-fueled unsanctioned midnight visit. The producers would like you to believe that she manipulated an easily-confused Ben, lied to Lauren B.'s face and ostensibly did it all as a result of not having said enough bitchy things about Olivia to merit a 2-on-1 date. And maybe there isn't anything more to it than that. Maybe she's just acting like a crazy, irrational girl. Or maybe she's acting like a girl who got punched in the face. Remember from the Week 1 "Coming Up" montage Leah's mysterious black eye? Does anyone know for a fact that Lauren B. didn't punch her in the face? Obviously, sudden outbursts of violence wouldn't fit the frontrunner's narrative, but...are we really just expected to act like this was never a thing? Don't they know we have an Olivia-shaped villain hole in our hearts?

Jo Jo: What is most confusing about Jo Jo is that she is a brunette. And let's be real. Ben has a type.

Week 5, The Scores

	Amanda – 100 +20 for a date rose +10 (5 x 2) for date kissing in a hot air balloon + 5 for misuse of the word "literally" (unless I'm wrong and she needs to immediately see a doctor about her inability to stop smiling) +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +30 for tattling on Olivia +10 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +10 for using the fact that she was an unwed 22-year old as her defense against Olivia's accusation of being a "teen mom." Important Info: It's lucky for Amanda that she wakes up looking as put together and perky as she spends the majority of her day, but...it still doesn't answer my question as to why Ben considers asleep at the indecent hour of 5 am to be these girls' "natural state."
	Becca - 10 +10 for kissing on a group date Important Info: I love how Becca's single season on the show has made her into some sort of sage and all-knowing expert, clarifying for the other girls that she's "never before seen a rose get taken away, but Ben's not playing by the rules." Although, I suppose it's possible that at the ripe old age of 26, Becca is one of very few women who are actually old enough to have seen all of the seasons of this show.
	Caila – 10 +10 for kissing on a group date Important Info: I really don't have much of anything to say about Caila this week. I guess it's...too bad...?...that we didn't get more time to see her predatory nature in attacking Ben's face....?
	Emily– 60 +5 for crying +5 for misuse of the word literally +30 for tattling on Olivia Bonus: +10 for expressing the truly questionable belief that telling Ben about Olivia would make their relationship stronger +10 for saying this show makes you dig deep and really find out who you are... Important Info: ...And who Emily is is apparently someone who's not so great. Look, Olivia's fairly terrible. There's no denying that. But unless the producers have been slipping them some footage, there's no real reason why Emily should know that. Emily tattled on Olivia because Emily is jealous. It was petty and it was childish and it was largely baseless. The other girls may feel like Olivia is being manipulative when she says insensitive things and then promises to try harder not to do anything wrong, but I far prefer manipulation born from lunacy than that that stems from sheer hypocrisy.
	Jennifer – 10 Bonus: +10 for saying that Jubilee's Spanish interaction with Ben was "not romantic." Was it really supposed to be romantic given that it happened in front of 8 other girls? Important Info: And speaking of romance in a crowd, according to Jennifer, once she "commits to someone, they have [her] heart and soul forever." Sounds nice, but, I'm just saying, Ben may want to look into just how many other men to whom she's already managed to commit.
	Jo Jo – 25 +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +5 for the childish nonsense about her taco. I can't decide if I would respect her less if the comments were completely innocent or if she knew exactly what she was saying +10 for stealing Ben away in the middle of his speech about Jubilee Important Info: So...Jo Jo seems to be a sincerely nice person, but...are we sure she's not sort of an idiot? First there was her comment about how she was "sure that Jubilee was saying this was the most amazing experience of her life" (which, in a rare miss for the producers, somehow wasn't juxtaposed with a sobbing Jubilee commenting on her own unloveableness). And then they got her telling Ben he only had "10 more breakups to go" before he never had to do it again in his life. Again, lovely sentiment, but....maybe you want to try recounting?
	Jubilee – 105 Eliminated +100 for getting kicked off outside of game play +5 for crying Important Info: Poor Jubilee. I would probably refuse to hold a guy's hand too if he repeatedly called ten other girls beautiful or attractive or amazing and saddled me with "intriguing."
	Lauren B. – 10 +10 for kissing in a group date setting Important Info: Given that we're fast approaching the point in the season where I have to take mid-episode naps lest I get too bored to watch...we can all just agree that Lauren is going to be the winner and go home, right?
	Lauren H. – 70 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for being the first contestant in Bachelor history to discuss a common need for retainers +5 for saying the date was the "best day of her entire life." Seriously, ladies. Have better days! Important Info: Kind of surprisingly, at the end of the date, Lauren H. went down the Jubilee path of saying that Ben might be the only person she's ever met who truly "got her." It's a good thing the target demographic for this show is primarily female because it worries me a little what message this show might be sending to men. Apparently all women need to feel "understood" is a guy who politely nods and introduces nothing of substance to the conversation. And I'm just not totally sure that's the image that all womankind wants to present.
	Leah – 0 Important Info: I hate cliffhangers on this show. They are so very unnecessary. Not only do we have a sense of what is coming next from their near constant "coming up" montages, but...does anyone really think there's any chance Olivia gets sent home in the place of possible selective mute, Leah? Anyone?
	Olivia – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +10 for giving Ben a gift Bonus: +10 for making a teen mom comment about Amanda +5 for immediately and clumsily trying to walk it back Important Info: The worst part about the stupid post-show show is that through their judgmental debriefing (usually an activity that I would support), they have made it abundantly clear that Olivia isn't going to wind up taking the final rose or Ben's heart. And what fun is a villain if she doesn't stand any real chance to win? For the record, the second worst part is that in all their discussion about Olivia being evil, they haven't even covered the most terrifying thing. Apparently she tastes with her stomach. No wonder she keeps trying to steal extra time to inhale Ben's face!

Week 4, The Scores

	Amanda – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying that she wasn't sure that "jumping out of a cake and kicking your legs was a talent." A totally fair statement made slightly less fair by the fact that Amanda's talent was hula hooping! Important Info: I was half tempted to award Amanda pity points for having to awkwardly  sit in the middle of Lauren B. and Ben's post-rose hug, but I decided to let her rest up instead...looks like she's in for a big episode this week!
	Amber – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying Important Info: I have to wonder if part of the sting behind Amber's elimination was yet again playing second (or probably more accurately 13th or 14th) fiddle to Becca. I mean sure, she made a few crazy statements about Ben and her not-so-impending nuptials, but an epic deckchair breakdown of that magnitude just has to have something else behind it.
	Becca - 70 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for being told she was the perfect person for the wedding date +15 for having Ben comment on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for stealing Lace's lifelong dream of having Ben vow to "always look her in the eyes." +10 for Ben asking her if she was okay with him not being a virgin. I know he probably didn't mean it that way, but...part of me wonders if he referenced their "similar faith" and then got worried about what America might think if he failed to clarify just where those similarities ended. Important Info: So ostensibly the producers give the girls guidance for what to wear on their dates. But I am very curious to know how this played out with Becca this week. What guidance was she given? "We're not going to keep you in a wedding dress, but make sure to bring something bridal?" "Wear whatever outfit you would wear to steal the spotlight from a cool half dozen brides?" Is it possible they just said "Break out your white lace caftan" and she had both the capacity and the right kind of can-do attitude to oblige?
	Caila – 40 +5 for a rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +10 for using a puppet to interview Jennifer about her feelings. Now that B.D. Wong is gone, they do need a new psychologist on Law and Order: SVU +5 for "sex panther," obviously Important Info: Although -5 for Ben. If you're going to start out by calling a girl a tigress, then shouldn't it be a sex panthress? Sex pantherina?
	Emily– 60 +5 for a rose +10 for referencing her connection with Ben +20 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness (at the same time as her sister's attractiveness like a creepo) +5 for crying +20 (10 x 2) for kissing on a group date with a "having just abandoned my twin sister" bonus Important Info: Really this is more of an important question, but given that she told us that she lived there approximately 49 times, how is it possible Emily has never seen fireworks from a roof top in Las Vegas? Aren't they available pretty much every night?
	Haley - 150 Eliminated +5 for crying +100 for being kicked off outside of game play +20 for having Ben comment on her attractiveness (see Emily) Bonus: +25 for being dumped in front of her sister, dachshunds, and mom Important Info: I do have to say, I am completely sympathetic to the horrors of bringing a new guy home to photos of your ex. My mom had pictures of my high school boyfriend up in her house until approximately my wedding. And he had ridiculous hockey hair, so you know it wasn't an aesthetic choice!
	Jennifer – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: The girls were bizarrely supportive of Jennifer's move to steal Ben this week. Either Olivia is really terrible, Jennifer is really meek, or Ben just isn't that enjoyable to talk to. I'm also open to it being a mix of all three.
	Jo Jo – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one in front of other girls +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +5 for saying she "would die" if she had a 1-on-1 in Vegas. It turns out she did not. Important Info: Did anyone else notice Jo Jo's vagueness in talking about her ex? She stuck to gender-neutral pronouns and would neither confirm nor deny that any sort of cheating transpired. I can't help but feeling like she may have kept more secrets than she shared!
	Jubilee – 30 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for saying if Becca "hasn't lost her virginity in 26 years, then she's not going to lose it in 6 hours." I'm not sure what I like more. The sheer snarkiness of the comment or the implication that Ben - a man who she just gushed about ad nauseum last week, a man who she credits with understanding her better than anyone else in the world - may have highly questionable motives for taking Becca on a date. Important Info: In case anyone out there was beginning to doubt Jubilee's complexity due to the fact that she has pretty much just repeated that fact for the past three weeks...she also plays the cello!
	Lauren B. – 45 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Important Info: There's something that comes through as real about Lauren B.'s relationship with Ben, even though they are both approximately as interesting as the safety announcements Lauren is used to making in her day job (assuming she doesn't work for Southwest, I suppose. Did you guys know they keep a fund just for all of the fines they incur for getting creative with the safety regulations? See, we can learn as we mock!) Unfortunately, Ben doesn't seem to see a problem with letting the others girls know this as well. His validating his confidence in Lauren is almost certainly being heard as doubts about practically everyone else. Stop making the speeches Ben!
	Lauren H. – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for dressing up in chicken costume for reasons that were never fully, or really even partially, explained Important Info: I have to say, it's obvious that Lauren H. isn't in this for the long haul given the time spent featuring many of the other girls, but it sort of seems like the producers want to cut her screen time completely and make her into one of those girls who fades into the background but they never quite get there with her because she just keeps doing such adorable things.
	Leah – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: You know, like they've done to Leah.
	Olivia – 60 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +10 for referencing her connection with Ben Bonus: +20 for the whole cake, nervy b, "not wife material" mess. I have to say, the mere prospect of scoring Olivia week after week is really making me tired! +10 for telling Jo Jo Ben reciprocated her feelings of "falling for him" Important Info: Look Olivia's not the nicest to the other girls, but I still wish she had some sort of ally to help her put a halt the downward spiral of self-destruction that she has fallen into. We need her crazy with the girls and confident with Ben, and pulling out the "falling for you" card just feels way, way too soon. Rachel – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying Important Info: Though on her way out, Rachel did alert us to the very important fact that the producers are cheating some of you out of points! Rachel is the only one not to kiss Ben, indeed!

Week 4, The Feelings

It may surprise you all to learn that my favorite moment from this week didn't have anything to do with Olivia. In fact, it wasn't from the group date at all, nor was it from the impromptu two-on-one for the twins. No, my favorite moment from this week came, very surprisingly, from Ben's one-on-one with Becca, and it went a little something like this:

Ben: I want to know can Becca Love? Can Becca Feel?
Becca: Thank you so much for taking me on this date.
Ben: It's good to feel.
Becca: Yeah, it was nice.
Ben: Please feel things.
Becca: I was scared to feel things with Chris
Ben: That virgin thing is about God, right...?

I may have paraphrased about half of that, but every line Ben said with the word "feel" in it is a direct quote. And what a great moment! Not only was Ben asking the questions we all want answered about Becca, but also who doesn't enjoy a good robot love story? I mean, the ridiculousness of this whole affair is, of course, that outside of a clear capacity for sexual attraction, so far, Ben seems to share Becca's emotional depth. We've seen no illustrations that he feels much of anything at all. And while he may be saying "it's good to feel," what he seems to means is "it's good to talk about what you should feel." Because those women who are clearly experiencing actual human emotion aren't the frontrunners this season. They're the nut jobs.

So let's take a look at Ben's step-by-step guide, Please Feel Things and talk a little bit about some of the women who illustrate exactly what he does and does not mean:


A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words...
Did anyone show us more real emotion this week? Clearly, the choices she made were hers (with, perhaps, a bit of an assist from the producers), but that doesn't mean the panic attack she had afterwards was in any way faked or staged. She thought her show girl act was going to be hilarious and sexy, and as soon as it was clear that she had thought wrong, she was embarrassed enough to go into meltdown mode. And who hasn't made that kind of mistake (although admittedly, most of my regrets include a lower level of sequins and a higher number of clothes)? She was humiliated and she was sad and she was looking for validation from Ben...validation that she did not get...because he has apparently not been programmed to recognized shame. Olivia has come out strong this season as the woman who assumes far, far too much. There's the hidden signals that only she picks up due to, I assume, a correspondence course in semaphore for the nuts. There's the filling in the blanks with things she "knows that Ben can't say" like "40% of our conversation has been about your cankles and yet I feel certain we're falling in love." But despite these bad habits, I don't think it was too much for her to assume that Ben might actually notice she wasn't feeling great. Or at least do more than repeat "don't apologize" when her apology count was clocking in at all of none.

But Words about How Much you Like Me are Priceless
And it turns out that Olivia shouldn't have acted embarrassed or ashamed, which was just a source of confusion for Ben. What she should have done was told him she felt ashamed while maintaining a flat affect, steady eye contact, and a medically-recommended heart rate. Because it there anything more romantic than Lauren B. dispassionately stating "I missed you. I want to be around you all the time" or Becca droning "It's different this season because of how much I feel about you"? Okay the answer is probably yes..there are many things that are more romantic. Long walks on the beach, falling for someone despite the fact that you're more of a cat person and he really loves dogs, probably even getting married by a generic reality television show host who has made absolutely no effort to even plan. But in Ben's eyes, those passionless words are clearly the most romantic of all!

Self-Confidence is Complex
And so is Ben's opinions about when and how you need to have it. There were A LOT of crises in confidence this week, but none that illustrated Ben's complicated relationship with the ladies' self-confidence than those of Jubilee and Jo Jo. On the surface, they appeared very similar. Jo Jo went on a lovely little self-conscious rant about how Ben couldn't possibly like her out of the beauty, charm, and grace that was back in the hotel room, making lewd jokes about the bidet. Where as Jubilee shared that she was always scared that she wouldn't get the rose. And at first, Ben reacted similarly to both, telling both women that they were attractive and wonderful and good.

And Complexity is Intriguing...but Simplicity is Hot
But at this point, the two ladies' reactions veered off course, with Jo Jo accepting her praise with a grin and Jubilee pointed to her curse of being so darn complex! Which was why Jo Jo spent the rest of her evening making out while Jubilee spent hers getting called interesting for at least the 14th time in far fewer weeks.

Open Up...
I have to say, I was expecting Ben to send home the other twin. It's good that he sent home one twin (although not as good as the live aftershow made it sound. His decision to give Haley the boot was lauded as some sort of humanitarian effort, a diplomatic triumph generally reserved for actions that don't involve dumping a girl in front of her mom. Which is ridiculous, because seriously, he can't wind up with either twin. Not after dating them both. We all know that right?), but I thought we were about to see Emily go. It's not that there was remarkable chemistry between Ben and Haley or anything (and if there was, it would be almost impossible to say since ABC has made it abundantly clear that they don't want you to see two people as much as TWINS), but once Emily told Ben that she didn't think that Haley was opening up, I thought she'd be the one crying into a dachshund belly on the couch. But it turns out I was wrong. Because if Ben's sure of anything, it's that he wants people to open up about their emotions. Even if those emotions are mostly dominated by concern for the failure of others to emotionally open up.

No seriously...open up.
And while you are emotionally opening up, maybe open up a few other things? Your arms? Your lips? Other parts of your anatomy that sounds significantly more vulgar? Because if he wasn't sure about Caila after the first week, he's feeling mighty sure about her now. Sex panthers don't have to worry about silly little emotions.

Week 3, The Scores

	Amanda – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Amanda devoted her minimal screen time this week to gossiping about how Olivia knew how to not look bad on camera. While I'm not overwhelmingly convinced that's true, it does seem like one effort Olivia is devoting to this pursuit is....you know...not gossiping about how other people know how to not look bad on camera on camera.
	Amber – 70 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +30 for confronting Jubilee in front of Ben, a clear tattling equivalent +10 for accusing Olivia of having fat toes and then refusing to repeat it as if she had said something so scandalously offensive. Important Info: I've already devoted a bit of time to Amber and all the less than happy feelings she inspired in me this week. But on a lighter note, this week, Amber justified her multiple go rounds on The Bachelor by saying that "it's funny how in a year you can grow." And it is funny. I just haven't decided if it's funnier that she believes that growth is what comes from making out with multiple men on reality TV or that she seems to have such a need for growth at her...non-22-year-old age.
	Becca - 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for being a creeper and watching Jubilee give Ben a back rub Important Info: Becca said she had mixed emotions when Jubilee got the date. One of those emotions was apparently feeling happy for Jubilee. We can only assume that the other was wondering if she would ever find herself similarly excited to spend time in the presence of a human man.
	Caila – 10 +5 for a rose +5 for crying Important Info: Caila had a bit of a rough week. First she felt bad for herself because there were other girls in the house. Then she felt bad for Ben when he had to spend time with Jubilee. And then she felt bad for Jubilee because the other girls were going to confront her rather than just snarking about her behind her back. She also probably spent the bulk of the week wondering why, when Our Lady of Fate emerged, from the cathode ray tubes, shimmering and telling Caila to leave her flesh and blood man, she couldn't be bothered to be considerably more specific!
	Emily– 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying that "balls flying at your face is never fun." Important Info: It saddens me deeply to think that Emily probably didn't even know she was making a Clueless reference. Clear sign of the deterioration of the young!
	Haley - 20 +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for saying toes shouldn't be a big deal...and then following that statement up with "but..." and comments about several of Olivia's other attributes including her breath and her fake boobs. Important Info: And really...are fake boobs be a big deal on this show?
	Jami – 20 Eliminated +5 for misusing the word "literally" ("I feel like I literally just got smacked across the face") Bonus: +15 for tattling on the other girls to Olivia Important Info: It's possible this show broke Jami. The girl went from using cutesy phrases like "Geez Louise" and "Awko-Taco" and demonstrating her physical awakening as involving curious little bunny paws hand gestures to making a somewhat despondent joke about getting lots of cats. Let's hope she doesn't follow through. I'd hate for the songbirds and small rodents who help her get dressed to meet such an unfortunate end.
	Jennifer – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Don't worry, Jennifer. There's bound to be some sort of charity-related group date net week so that you and Ben can get back to talking about your shared morals.
	Jo Jo – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Jo Jo mostly played the disinterested listener this week, though showing up at the bathroom door and trying to convince Jubilee to let her in was a nice touch. "Hey, it's me..." Jo Jo said. "The one who has been acting like I'm listening to you while secretly thinking about how I can complain about our conversation later to some of the other girls," Jo Jo meant.
	Jubilee – 75 +20 for a date rose rose +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 (5 x 2)  for kissing in a one-on-one setting with a hot tub bonus +10 for facing a fear +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness (Not with actually words, but the exclamation "Ow ow!" seems to be alog the same lines) +10 for crying twice Important Info: Jubilee feels like Ben gets her. Which is surprising because she's just so deep! But it seems possible to me that what she sees as a special connection is just his appreciation of all the time she spent recapping that time she said "I'm not playing, white boy" and he didn't run screaming away. Ben loves a good recap. Clearly almost as much as he loves to engage in deep, penetrating dialogue about race.
	Lace – 65 Self-Eliminated +50 for leaving the show +5 for crying +10 for referencing her connection with Ben (or lack thereof) Important Info: I hope Lace learns to love herself. And I hope that she doesn't wind up on Bachelor in Paradise. But hell, neither could be hurt by, you know, learning the most basic rules of soccer.
	Lauren B. – 100 +20 for a date rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in a biplane on a one-on-one (which I assume is basically the same as helicopter kissing, but if someone has done both and wants to correct me on the error of my ways, please have at it!) +10 (5 x 2) for one-on-one kissing in a hot tub +15 for being treated to a concert by a band I have never heard of Bonus: +15 for facing a fear that, given her profession, I just simply cannot believe she actually has +15 for Ben sharing his personal tragedy with her Important Info: I award Lauren B. no points for saying that she is still single because her Dad. I have a Dad too, and I'm a fan of him....but I'm not single because I haven't figured out a non-gross way to date him. No, Lauren B. No!
	Lauren H. – 20 +5 for a rose +5 for misusing the word "literally" (or possibly misusing the word "insane." It was wrong, but I suppose I can't be entirely sure of the wrongness direction) Bonus: +10 for saying she has zero ball-handling skills  Important Info: If I were on this season of this show, I would constantly be awarding myself 10 points for any time I had to spend with Lauren H. There is something far too Stepfordy about a woman who confidently states that "Ben wants a wife who can be friends with all the other soccer moms" for my taste.
	Leah – 10 +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for what, I am fairly certain, was an off-screen kiss. Seems like there are a lot of those this year that are being deemed "counterproductive to the narrative." Important Info: At this point, Leah's greatest asset may be bearing a passing resemblance to Lauren B.
	Olivia – 65 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +10 for revealing a personal tragedy (yes - the tragedy of cankles) +10 for referencing her connection with Ben Bonus: +10 for admitting on camera her plans to exploit Rachel's injury +10 for the invention of multiple nonverbal cues +5 for waving down to the other girls from the hotel room balcony Important Info: Olivia said that perfect was boring, but I can't help but disagree. Because she is damn near perfect to me. And I just hope she doesn't reveal too much to Ben too soon. I'm not willing to move to Austin to appreciate her perfection. Rachel – 15 +5 for a rose +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for playing through the pain Important Info: Rachel's date card strategy was apparently to hold her breath and squeeze her abs. Is...that a thing? It's like when men flex their biceps when you touch their arm except, you know, without any sort of correlated logic. Shushanna – 0 Eliminated Important Info: I'm pretty sad about this one, you guys. There's so much about Shushanna that we'll never get to know! Her attitude toward borscht, the kind of fascinating footage she taped on her dashboard cam, other things that are more about her as a person and less about a walking Russian stereotype, I guess...very, very sad.