Week 8, The Girl

Okay, I admit it. This week was - if not the most dramatic - than certainly the best in many, many years of Bachelor history. Sure, there were hometowns and more than  the requisite amount of Clare and Nikki dithering over their misguided "feeling," but Andi's actions - her post-coital regrets, her manipulative and ultimately awesome video made this whole terrible season totally worthwhile, not just for me, but for the entire franchise.

We all fell a little in love with Andi this week, we peered, fleetingly but magically into the depths of her soul and found it was not wanting. We felt all the feelings for Andi that we now know Juan Pablo is incapable of feeling and our connection with her is now so much stronger than what we have with the other girls. We're ready now, if not to propose, than certainly to make her the next Bachelorette. It was everything we've always wanted out of a night in the fantasy suite, and I am shocked by the depth of the things Andi has taught me about myself. Here's why:

It was Utterly Banal.
So, I'm the first to admit, when it comes to this program, I pretty much crave drama (which is odd as when it comes to my life I pretty much crave sweat pants and avoiding canceling my subscription to Sports Illustrated). I keep my fingers crossed for boyfriends back home; catty bickering makes me squirm with uncomfortable delight, hell, I've even been writing some pretty gruesome fan fiction about Danielle's stint as a black market organ harvester and Cassandra's suspiciously missing kidney (technically fictional fan fiction). So I was surprised to find what delighted me most about Andi's flight was that it was just so normal. It wasn't a mysterious secret that Andi "hid" from the producers from all those tense weeks or a vague and undefinable sense of not being ready. Andi got to know the guy better and figured out her was a bit of an asshole. It's refreshingly relatable to see Andi not only go through something that everyone who has ever dated outside of a John Cougar Mellencamp song has encountered but also to put voice to to what the rest of us were thinking. And as I suspect - given the talent pool they pull from - it's something that happens at least once every season, it was amazing to actually see it play out on screen.

Yes, Nala will choose to forgo her individual room

It was about the Guy, not the Process.
Look, I'm as skeptical about the process as the next guy (it ranks somewhere between people finding gluten-free cupcakes delicious and intelligent life on other planets on my believability scale), but if Andi had gone the route of Brooks before her and had said she just wasn't feeling the love (answering the age old question posed from one young lion to another under the starry Sahara sky), then Juan Pablo wouldn't have gotten the comeuppance that he so richly deserved. I don't think appearing in a TV show that takes a page from bigamy is the best way to find everlasting love, but Andi didn't need to evaluate its potential merits because with Juan Pablo, it would be impossible. Legions of Bachelorettes have shown us that simply wanting it isn't enough. But wanting it enough to make something even resembling an effort is certainly necessary.

It wasn't about Intelligence.
I think it's probably pretty safe to assume that, like Sharleen before her, Andi is smarter than Juan Pablo. However, throughout this season, the language and cultural barriers have acted as something of a shield for the man, making it rather hard to go on the offensive against his relative level of smarts. Though the "default" debate was a bit of a distractor from an otherwise brilliantly executed fight (especially since saying she "barely" made it rather than she made it by "default" is both more accurate and frankly, a bit meaner), for the most part Andi didn't go there. And I think that's pretty great because while it isn't entirely fair to judge a man's intellect in his second langauge, there's no intelligence threshold or baseline verbal SAT score needed  to be a pretty massive dick.

She's Shaped what's Yet to Come:
I don't have a really solid understanding of how The Bachelor works in terms of filming schedules and airing the actual show (and am scared to google it because of stupid Reality Steve's pernicious and spoiler-y presence), so I can't speak with any authority on what ABC knew about how the season's ending when the story of Juan Pablo's homophobia unfolded. But I will say, if they didn't already know about what went down with Andi, didn't set him up themselves as the first yellow brick on the road to dirtbag-dom, than I am certain they must have breathed a collective sigh of relief when they heard the charges Andi brought (also, probably if they could hear the metaphors that I'm mixing given they literally plan at least three dates a season based solely on their love of metaphor and vicious prejudice against subtlety). For ABC, "this guy's a jerk" is a much better storyline than their process just not working and you caould see Chris Harrison set the wheels of the spin machine in motion as he patronized Juan Pablo into understanding the difference between like and love (you film a super awkward ad segment for a movie that no Bachelor-viewer would ever want to watch together and you think you know a guy...). Now, rather than subjecting us to the agonizing proposal that we were never going to believe in anyway, they get to treat us to a finale, the subtext of which will be, could this douchebag actually have the gall to go through with it all (totally kidding - ABC doesn't believe in subtext!)? And rather than air a sheepish mea culpa of a next season with someone lovely and gentle like Renee, they get to return gloriously with a heroic and until-this-week ideally generic Andi.

Week 7, The Scores

	Andi – 75 +5 for crying +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +20 for a date rose Bonus: +25, mostly for the editors who filmed Juan Pablo making out with Andi in the ocean moments after sending Clare home pissed off. Funny how Andi didn't get shamed for her actions...
	Chelsie – 35 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +15 for sharing letters from home +15 for guzzling champagne in the limo home. Why don't all the girls do that?
	Clare – 65 +5 for crying +15 for continuing to milk her personal tragedy by mentioning her Dad's video +10 for questioning whether Andi is there for the right reason +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for saying "such a mistake" after Nikki got a rose + 10 for the hilarious bickering about who paid for the hotel room +15 for telling Chelsie she didn't have to pee so she wouldn't be forced to remain alone with Nikki Non-Bonus: Absolutely no points for saying that Sharleen should be "grateful" to be there. There's really nothing grosser than that.
	Nikki – 65 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose +5 for crying +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for seriously pissing off Juan Pablo's ex by talking to Camila before she'd had a chance to do so +10 for hilarious bickering with Clare +15 for calling Clare's family crazy which was a bit of a low blow.
	Renee – 5 +5 for a rose Non-Bonus Aside: I award Renee no points for telling Sharleen it would "Haunt her forever" if she left.
	Sharleen – 70 Left +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +50 for threatening to leave and following through +5 for crying +10 for making Juan Pablo cry Non-Bonus Aside: This was the first thing all season that I thought Juan Pablo handled really really well. He made her feel better about leaving and appeared mature and dignified throughout their goodbyes while still admitting that she would have gotten a rose had she stayed. But you know who handles break-ups well? People who don't care that much.  Lord help us all if Sharleen comes back...

Week 7, The Girls

Under the best possible circumstances, I'm usually pretty checked out by the time we get to this week. The conversations are all rehashes, the pressure to say "I'm falling in love with you" or "I love you" (while exerting a ludicrous difference between the two) while expecting nothing in return is utterly asinine, and the drama is ginned up madness in which you can practically see the producers pulling the strings. So instead of focusing on the happenings of this week, let's turn our attention instead to a better tomorrow by examining the odds of who will become our next Bachelorette (while also acknowledging that, try as I might, I really can't bring myself to understand odds). So here, from in order of "Chris Harrison has probably already handed her the crown of roses (while warning that side effects may include stigmata)" to "all the other women would have to die first" are your candidates to be the next Bachelorette:

Renee: 2:1

Why It's Likely: At this point in the game, Renee has to be far and away the fan favorite. She's kind, she has a history of putting others before herself, and, while she doesn't have the tragic back story of, say, an Emily, consensus opinion has got to be that she deserves something good. I'm not entirely certain that she's fully made the jump from Renee, the Mom to Renee, the Woman (Hear her roar) in the eyes of Juan Pablo or any other men who might watch the show, but ABC knows who its target audience is. That won't matter.

Why It's Unlikely: She's got a kid. I'm holding out hope she says no.


Andi: 8:1

Why It's Likely: Andi checks off all the Bachelorette boxes. She's smart, has at least the appearance of self-sufficiency, and it totally devoid of anything even approaching a personality. Her need for constant reassurance is not a Bachelorette necessity (see: Jillian, Ali), but when it comes to successful outcomes, it does, against all logic, seem to be a plus (see: Ashley).

Why It's Unlikely: Because, if "coming up scenes are to be believed (and they are not - they have betrayed us far too deeply on far too many occasions), it looks like something hinky goes down in the fantasy suite. ABC likes their Bachelorettes heartbroken, but not controversial or emotionally scarred.

Sharleen: 20:1 

Why It's Likely: Look, I know I've gone back and forth on Sharleen almost as many times as she

went back and forth on Juan Pablo, but ultimately, she would be my first choice to be the next Bachelorette. She's a smart, talented lady who doesn't fully but into the Bachelor/ette process, and I think it would be a great change of pace. Yes, watching her dither over whether to leave or not was frustrating, but I get it. She recognized he was never going to be the guy for her, kinda wanted to stick around to see if he compensated for his lack of intelligence in other areas, and then finally let her guilt get the better of her. It's probably not the most flattering character sketch, but at least it shows a kernel of self-awareness that we're not normally treated to on this show where a man is almost instantly forgiven after shaming the girl he just banged in the ocean. At the very least it would be refreshing to have a Bachelorette who knows that "nerdy" and "intelligent" and "unattractive" are three totally distinct things.

Why It's Unlikely: As I've just stated, Sharleen doesn't fully buy into the process, and for that, she must be punished. No matter how often Bachelors and Bachelorettes harp on about how it's a two way street, they don't mean it. It's not. You come on the show, fall instantly in love with a man about which you know three very generic things and then hope against hopes that you can strategize your way into a ring. That's the game, and you're there to win it not to make savvy or measured life choices (or to make friends - we know your type!). Brooks pulled the same thing with Desiree, and...well...has anyone seen him lately?

Chelsie: 25:1

Why It's Likely: Sure, we know next to nothing about Chelsie, but look how that turned out for Juan Pablo! I think it would certainly take a few ladies turning them down, but given Renee's child, Andi's career, and Sharleen's impending Harrison-ordered hit that's not totally outside of the realm of possibilities

Why It's Unlikely: Look, Chelsie really does seem like a nice person, but I fear she probably lacks the abs, the Spanish accent, the little button of a daughter back home to whip up the sort of frenzy she would need to elevate her status from a relative unknown to the next Bachelorette.

Clare: 100:1

Why It's Likely: A few weeks ago, when Clare had the righteous indignation of every Bachelor-watching woman in America at her back, it would have been a lot more likely, but now, not so much. At this point, really the only thing keeping her hopes alive is the fact that ABC wants to show that video from her father even more than they want to show a Shonda Rhimes series about six sexy singles trying to make it as IRS auditors in the steamy world of fiscal accountability, each with a secret to hide.

Why It's Unlikely: They never choose the borderline unstable one. I'd like to say it's out of some sort of sense of moral responsibility, but let's be honest. It's 'case they're saving them for Bachelor Pad.

Nikki: 500:1

Why It's Likely: I honestly can't think of a single reason...But the least mean reason she won't be is because I'm thinking she's probably going to win.

Why It's Unlikely: We didn't really have much of a villain this season, but if we did, I guess it would be Nikki. While I certainly don't have any issue with her very mild negativity or the fact that she didn't want to listen to people trash talk her friend (which they were definitely about to do), her cockiness about the date roses, perpetual bragging about herself, and general petulance during her disagreement with Clare (although, really, when is "I know you are but what am I" ever not a good come back?) don't make for a very attractive combo, and even if she doesn't wind up unbalanced by a massive Neil Lane rock, I can't see her ascending to fill the throne Juan Pablo leaves vacant.

How Reality TV Ruined the Olympics: A Diatribe

Perhaps if I were more of a glass half-full kind of person or just had a better appreciation for cause and effect, I would have titled this post "How the Olympics Inspired Reality TV" as they predated the creation of the loosely scripted show by, give or take, several hundred years (with the exception, of course, of Real World which, if I recall correctly, included Socrates, Aristotle, and Herodotus in its very first cast and broke through boundaries when the latter's "Girlfriend Back Home" was actually revealed to be Plato). However, I can no longer remain silent on how The Bachelor and its ilk have forced NBC's hand, causing them to escalate what were already borderline exploitative tactics and play a very dangerous game for anyone who has not undergone the soul de-juvenation therapy willingly partaken of by anyone who hosts reality TV.

The Olympics have always toyed with audiences' emotions. We care too little about the storied history of Norwegian warfare that led to their dominance in biathlon and remain to staunch in our refusal to invest the energy  necessary to understand the stleties of ski jump scoring. So instead, they draw us in with tales of adversity conquered, with personal tragedy that belies a much greater strength than that required to battle g-forces on a precariously balanced sled. They do everything in their power to transform our confusion and boredom with these sports; to overcome our patriotism lest our country loses; and to make sure that, by the time every other country's swimmer false starts, leaving only a floundering Kenyan doggie paddling in the pool, we're not just rooting for him. We're doing it with tears in our eyes.

And for a long time, that was enough. The Olympics fed us a steady, balanced diet of human excellence and schmaltz and we gleefully lapped it up. But somewhere along the lines, reality TV ruined all that. By upsetting the balance of our measured, every four years dosage, and feeding us a constant stream of aspiring chefs, of 24-year-old spinsters on desperate, last-ditch quests for love, of people somehow making a career out of hunting for bigfoot all overcoming tragedy and peril, reality TV has lessened our ability to appreciate what once made Olympians truly great.

All this would have been fine if the NBC Olympics squad had responded like any other sports program scrambling for ratings, if they had run the athletes through a gauntlet of good works; if they had promised cheap trinkets to the first 10,000 viewers (can you imagine the price a rare "Bob Costas with Pink Eye" bobblehead would fetch on e-bay?); if they had trotted out t-shirt cannons or skantily clad dancers or a halftime show wardrobe malfunction (if it appears that I'm just asking that the Olympics feature more nudity, well...weirdly, that's exactly what I'm doing).

Sadly, instead of relying on any of these time honored tropes, the Olympics crew seems to be taking its cues, not from the Super Bowl or even the NHL (and oh, how we all long for the re-emergence of the rainbow puck tail), but instead from the self-same hardship-mongerers that got them into this mess in the first place. They took their cures from reality TV and upped the tragedy ante.

It would be one thing if the Olympics just milked their athletes' 15 days of fame to develop questionable reality vehicles, but I'm actually not even talking about that (mostly because my brain refuses to compute the fact that What Would Ryan Lochte Do? even existed, largely as a coping mechanism). It's entirely another that, instead of bringing in the Barbara Walters filter and telling us that delightful pink-haired skeleton...doer (Not sure what the proper term is, here. Skeleton Rider? Slider? Skeletor?) Katie Uhlaender's father recently passed away, they've decided to aggressively ask her about how he would feel about her finishing just out of the medals. Instead of setting up Bode Miller's redemption by telling us about his brother whose untimely death casts a shadow over the Olympics they were supposed to share, they repeatedly hit Bode over the head with that fact until he collapsed, not from physical exhaustion but in sideline-reporter-wrought devastation. The fact that our heart strings have been inoculated against being pulled by a simple background package does not justify the deployment of these tragedies as if they are weapons against boredom and happiness, as if those two are one and the same. It's despicable and it's disgusting. And I think it's safe to say that Chris Harrison is to blame.

Week 6, The Scores

	Andi – 50 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +20 for a date rose +10 for making her date into a metaphor Non-Bonus: I award her nothing but frankly, my very grave disappointment that she failed to make the appropriate heavily innuendo-laden geyser metaphor. The twelve year old boy in each of us is shaking his head sadly in her general direction.
	Cassandra – 95 Eliminated +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one +5 for crying +15 for referencing her connection +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness (+5 bonus because he did it while dumping her) Bonus: +30 for getting sent home early, you know, out of respect. +15 for enduring the intense condescension of being told that "she's grown here" and that Juan Pablo was just so happy to be a part of it. She is an American hero.
	Chelsie – 20 +5 for a rose Non-Bonus: +15 for saying "that leaves Kat to go home and that's a good feeling"...I don't think she meant it like that, but still...
	Clare – 60 +10 for complaining about not getting the first one-on-one +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +20 for a date rose +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for becoming suddenly cagey and pretending that her overtly sexual metaphors of the previous week were really just about swimming. The ocean is fun, but pure bliss...?  Come on, Clare.
	Kat – 40 Eliminated +10 for revealing a personal tragedy (Bonus x 3 for doing it in the most deliberate attempt to manipulate herself into a rose that I have ever seen +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for mentioning that she's been journaling (though, clearly, she let us all down there by not reading it)
	Nikki – 45 +10 for kissing on a group date +5 for a rose +15 for referencing her connection with Juan Pablo +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness...at least that's what I assume Juan Pablo was saying with "Nikki: Watch Out," rather than an overt threat of murder
	Renee – 40 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for also enduring Juan Pablo's condescension and graciously accepting the moniker of one of the "special ones" Non-Bonus Aside: Two points here.  First, Juan Pablo said that there's nothing sexier that listening to a woman talk about her kid, so....do we think he screws his ex a lot? And second and totally unrelated: Renee's got to be the odds on favorite to be the next Bachelorette, right?
	Sharleen – 45 GOOD LORD SHARLEEN, JUST LEAVE ALREADY! +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for threatening to leave, you know, maybe next week...after all the traveling is over...

Week 6, The Girls

There's a metaphor trapped somewhere in my brain. I can hear it clamoring for my attention, though it's faint, trapped as it is by the theme song to Fraggle Rock and the names and arguments for legitimacy of all nine of Santa's Reindeer (That's right. I said nine, Clement Clarke Moore. And Santa is not a smoker. Get with the times!). Maybe it's Noah's Arc and I'm doling out limited berths to the rest of the animals (sorry, Dragons. The elephants already claimed the only king-sized room). Or maybe it's an outbreak of some rare, charmingly named but virulently deadly strain of influenza (I'm thinking Chinchilla Pox) and I'm parceling out our fatally under-stocked vaccine.  But whatever it is, the point is, this season has gotten to the point where I want to save these women from the awful fate that stands before them handing out roses, and the prospects of everyone making it out alive are looking mighty grim.

So here, in order of who I would save first, of who's definitely getting a space in the bunker or one of the last remaining bullets in my gun (Woah, sorry guys. This season is clearly making me go to a very dark place. But let's face it. At least there's dignity in death) are this season's remaining women.

Renee:
  How Renee even made it onto this show completely escapes me. Did she get someone super manipulative to pee in a cup for her so that she could fake her urine sample (because clearly, they must use some sort of genetic marker of terrible-ness as part of the audition process)? Because Renee seems like way too nice of a person to even be on this show. at this point, I am really just hoping against all hopes that something happens next week (I wouldn't complain if it resulted in a black eye for Juan Pablo either) to prevent her from making it to hometown dates because I'm pretty sure her poor son Ben will contract mild misogyny just by being in the same room as Juan Pablo.

Chelsie:
  I know. My choice surprised me too. But, is it just me or is Chelsie less the vapid, giggly airhead they tried to bill her has at the beginning of the show and more...rational than the standard Bachelor fare. After last week's episode in which she correctly identified jealousy rather than insisting the collective negative affect they were experiencing was Clare-being-a-bitchface-who's-not-here-for-the-right-reasons, she followed up this week with the insightful recognition of the fact that her connection with Juan Pablo might not be as strong as some of the other girls (although clearly not insightful enough...). We're going to need a woman of her skills in our brave new world lest our citizens interpret a zombie attack as merely people who "didn't come here to make friends."

Clare: 
Clare lives in a fantasy land made all the more complicated by the fact that, in the real world, she and Juan Pablo have been reduced to speaking in code. (These two should never mix. Have you ever seen a Care Bear try to speak in code? Their poor fluffy heads nearly explode and their colorful tummies turn into blotchy, scaly rashes). In Clare's world, she and Juan Pablo have a relationship based on common interests and mutual respect. In Juan Pablo's world, Clare;s that super hot chick who's kind of crazy and spends way too much time talking about her dad, but who he really, really wants to bang (but only in the sanctified hallows of the fantasy suite. He has a daughter for Pete's sake). In Clare's world, Juan Pablo apologized for swimming in the ocean when he should have just said "no" up front. In Juan Pablo's world, he basically claimed that he was too weak to say "no" to Clare's aggressive sexual advances (did I mention Juan Pablo's world is really messed up?). We need to get Clare out of there before she sleeps with this guy again or, worse yet, shows him that video lovingly crafted by her dad.

Cassandra:
So, believe it or not, Cassandra is not "one of my special ones." This is partially because I recognize that calling a woman one of many who are special is paradoxical and likely to make her feel like the reverse. But mostly, it's because I don't have anything to say about Cassandra. I don't have any feelings about her as a person. I don't have any feelings about her early exit (except for the ways in which it likely really sucked for both Sword-of-Damacles-imprisoned Renee and not-respected-enough-to-have-those-two-extra-days Kat). She's basically just a neutral void in my Bachelor-watching life. But hey, at least she wouldn't take up too much room in the bunker.

Andi:
Of the legions of women who are too smart for Juan Pablo (we're getting t-shirts made. Yours are all in the mail), And has to be the only one who doesn't realize it.

Sharleen: 
I want to want to save Sharleen. Out of all these girls, I think she's the one who clearly sees what Juan Pablo is. But let's face it, if I staged a stunning rescue (something appropriately operatic, I think, with camels and maybe some sort of helicopter), she would probably claw my face so that she could get dragged back into his miserable web, and in this fictional hellscape we now live in, Bacitracin is hard to come by.

Kat:
I see you, Kat. I know what's going on here. Look, growing up with an alcoholic parent is undoubtedly tough. I'm not trying to take that away from Kat or to suggest that she's not dealing with very real personal tumult or abandonment issues, but the way in which she doled out her first memory....I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it a bit manipulative. In high school English class whenever I didn't want to put a lot of effort into a poetry assignment, I'd write about something so maudlin and so personal that I'd essentially dare my English teacher to give me anything less than an "A" (my husband just used to rip off song lyrics from a lesser known band. I bet, ultimately, his high school English teacher was considerably happier with his approach). And it worked. Either my teacher had a real love of rhyming couplets that paired "tragic death" with "final breath" or he just repeatedly and unfailingly doled out what was tantamount to a pity grade. Kat tried to use that same strategy this week to snag the final rose, and she did an admirable (by which I mean truly agonizing) job. But she failed to consider who her audience was. My English teacher was a bearded, elbow-patch jacket wearing hippie who allegedly use to offer to get kids pot. Juan Pablo is a shallow, sexist chach who would prefer his sex:talking ratio be very, very high. The upside is, though, that I don't need to save Kat from this terrible season because she's already saved herself.

Nikki:
So, it's probably unfair of me to put Nikki after Kat just because she's touching on one of my biggest pet peeves, but it's my lifeboat (there it is - it took me a whole blog post, but I found the metaphor!) and it you want a seat you better have a life jacket made entirely of cake and/or (screw it. I'm saying and! It's my lifeboat!) avoid those things that I found insufferably annoying. But seriously, Nikki won't stop violating my cardinal rule about bragging.  What we've seen from Nikki is a pretty negative black hole for fun who seems to think she's better than the other girls. What we've heard from Nikki is that she has a good sense of herself and that she has a good heart. Nikki, I can't say this loudly enough (especially since you're all the way back on the capsized S.S. Juan Pablo while the other ladies and I float safely out of the fray): IF YOU HAVE TO SAY IT ABOUT YOURSELF, IT PROBABLY ISN'T TRUE.

Week 5, The Scores

	Alli – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying
	Andi – 45 +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for complaining about not getting the 1-on-1 (this has now been added to the permanent rules +5 for exceptionally poor emotion recognition. Every time she complains she ends up feeling better and he winds up looking super annoyed. Someone needs to get her some feelings magnets to practice with.
	Cassandra – 25 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for calling out the awkwardness of Clare coming back clearly upset. Cassandra, perhaps, needs to spend more time around grown-ups.
	Chelsie – 10 +5 for crying  +5 for a rose Non-Bonus: Were it an option, Chelsie would deserve negative points for all her reasonableness about the fact that the other girls were jealous of Clare. No one wants you to be so accurate and mature!
	Clare – 140 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +20 for a date rose +20 for kissing on a group date with hot tub bonus +20 for stealing unsanctioned time with Juan Pablo +25 for implied sex +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for faking allergies while crying All the points (also know as +20) for saying, "I let go of fear and let myself be vulnerable. We just went for it. Pure Bliss in every way" follow by a description of herself with wobbly legs. We GET IT, Clare. You had sex. +10 for her wildly inappropriate toast in which she felt it necessary to also tell the other girls that they had sex.
	Danielle – 10 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for a rare exit with a little bit of class.
	Kat – 5 +5 for a rose
	Kelly – 10 Eliminated Bonus:+5 for wondering aloud what base Clare and Juan Pablo had made it to. +5 for describing how Clare having no friends was an advantage Non-Bonus: +15 for the editors who cut the clip of Kelly after she said, "Can we hate Clare for that? I mean, we can, but..." She was clearly just about to say something very reasonable. Thank heavens they rescued us from that!
	Nikki – 85 +10 for facing a fear +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for making a terrible metaphor about her date (adding this to the rules as well. I can't believe it wasn't already there) +10 for snottiness around how she always gets a group date rose +15 for pointing out both that she has a nice booty and that she has a big heart...Nikki, if you have to say it about yourself....
	Renee – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +10 for referencing her connection with Juan Pablo Bonus: + 5 for saying Juan Pablo makes her palms hurt as if that is just a thing. Non-Bonus Aside: It is a remarkable feat of humanity that Clare somehow manages to make Juan Pablo seem less deplorable.  A remarkable feat that, unfortunately, does not carry with it any points.
	Sharleen – 30 +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for questioning her connection...again...seriously, Sharleen. Give it a rest!

Week 5, The Drama

The Situation: Nikki's Cave Rappelling

Internet evidence doesn't seem to
support Nikki's fear of heights. Clearly it
supports my stalker-y-ness quite nicely

How Dramatic Was It? Look, I acknowledge that not everyone watches the Bachelor hoping to see what I see. I like the drama. I yearn for creative acts of villainy. I'm hoping to watch at least one girl insult an entire country of people, watch at least one guy cry totally ridiculous tears. And I get that some people watch the show because they believe in the process or are, at the very least, hopeful that against all odds someone will find love. But seriously, can't we all agree that we're over watching people face fears?  There can't possibly be anyone out there who still actually likes watching a crying, shaking girl descend a mountain while they dub over her much calmer voice sharing a few trite metaphors about love, can there be?
Who's to Blame? Mostly the producers, but the girls are a little bit to blame in the way they fill out their interview questionnaires. If I were ever held at gunpoint and forced to go on this show (perhaps, I don't know, if my husband and dignity were both being held hostage?), my list of greatest fears would include chocolate, cheese, and sitting by the fire drinking wine.

The Situation: The Aftermath of Sex on the Beach
How Dramatic Was It? It was less dramatic that it was absolutely abhorrently gross.
Who's to Blame? Juan Pablo is to blame. I'm sure I've said more than enough, but this guy is so bad that the producers have to entice us back by peppering the commercial breaks with the engagement of two probably less disgusting strangers. And speaking of which...

The Situation: The Jared Commecial
How Dramatic Was It? On our TV screens, it was all Nikki spelunking and Clare developing an allergy to Vietnam, but I imagine somewhere, in his dark mahogany-planked lair, Neil Lane (who obviously watches every episode while telling his wife he's taking a little "me time" to read some Hemingway and enjoy a 30-year old Glenlivet) put down his scotch (because even Neil Lane knows some degree of honesty is essential in a marriage. Plus, the burning sensation prevents him from falling too deeply into Chris Harrison's piercing blue eyes), clenched his fist and shouted "JARED."
Who's to Blame? I don't know how Jared's orange, leathery proprietor (obviously prequalifications for diamond sales) managed to worm his way into ABC's hearts or how Neil Lane managed to lose their favor (though clearly, what he didn't do was make homophobic comments), but there's life in the old boy yet, and Jared best prepare himself for a cold dish of revenge.


The Situation: The Final Rose
How Dramatic Was It? Look Alli and Danielle were pretty much dead weight and Kelly was just hanging around to provide commentary until there were only serious contenders left. But more pressingly....when did Andi turn into such a dead ringer for Julia Louis Dreyfus?
Who's to Blame? God? Genetics? Larry David?  Is this season over yet?

Bachelor Pad Audition of the Week: Juan Pablo

Perhaps it seems that Clare is the more obvious choice here given her monastic devotion to the pillars of Bachelor Pad life. Flirting, having sex, making wildly inappropriate and not at all subtle toasts, and, of course, crying. But I have to say, her reaction to everything that happened at the cocktail party this week was just a little too...well...sensible....a little too understandable for the televised summer of sin. Clare had been putting out (I have never intended a pun more vehemently in my life) strong craziness vibes heading into this week, but she disrupted the delicate ecosystem of her own insanity through her authentic confusion and remorse.

No, better to focus instead on the man who is to blame for all the drama that transpired this week. Better to focus on Juan Pablo. I think it's no secret that ABC is really regretting choosing Juan Pablo to be the Bachelor. They took a gamble on an unknown quantity that the screaming legions of American women badly wanted to see (which - who are these women they find for all of these studio tapings? Should I be concerned about my level of life satisfaction because I don't have any friends who squeal?) and wound up with someone who is "more pervert" on screen and "more terrible at making decisions and being a likable human" off screen than they ever could have imaged.

But despite the fact that Juan Pablo is pretty much making a mockery of the Bachelor process and, you know, human decency, he would have been perfect for Bachelor Pad. He has Chris Bukowski's rare knack for sleeping with women and then making them feel instantly terrible about it; he has inconsistent standards about what he is and is not willing to let his daughter see; and he's the quickest rationalizer in the West (i.e., Ben's 8, so Renee shouldn't kiss anyone, but Camila's 4, so that means - if you carry the one and round to the nearest whole number - that I should kiss...all the people. And probably sleep with at least 3 or 4 of them, you know, to account for the margin of error). He could author, direct, and star in a one man Bachelor Pad show (the critically-reviled off-off-Broadway production of "Will You Accept this Cess Pool?") so adept is he at the way of the franchise offshoot where all pretenses are dropped. At least the Bachelor Pad producers can take comfort in knowing that, by the time their casting season rolls around again, there's a 98.947% chance that Juan Pablo will be both available and single.

Week 5, The Guy

No big shock, it was pretty damn hard to write this week. Between the glowing reviews on this year's season from all of you and the fact that my television is constantly luring me away from the DVR with the Olympics (which, if you took our Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski's completely unnecessarily catty and Kelly-esque commentary on the figure skating would basically be the opposite of the Bachelor), it's been hard to find the motivation to sit down and write. But I did finally watch this week's episode, and I've decided that I'm done figuring out who Juan Pablo is. The verdict is in. We're all in accordance that he's pretty much the worst, and there's really very little left to learn about his hopes, his dreams, or his comically hypocritical fears. So instead, this week, let's focus on the many things that we're learning Juan Pablo is not.

Juan Pablo is not Carmen San Diego. 
  While I have to give Kat props for the reference, there really might not be a single 80's video game/90's game show character Juan Pablo resembles less (maybe that little orange dude from Q*Bert (I believe his name was...Q*Bert), but he could certainly give the bouncey purple snake a run for its money). Carmen San Diego was an international woman of mystery, confounding aspiring gumshoes and orthodontia/rec spec models alike (which in retrospect, seriously. Why was that game show so hard? It's not that I don't like watching preteens get disappointed. Sometimes I yell out disparaging comments about Bella Swan on the metro just for fun. But every time they got to that final suction cup map thingy and they'd reveal it to be Africa or Eastern Europe or something, you could just see those poor kids shoulders slump. To this day, Rockapella is still my go-to soundtrack for utter misery). Juan Pablo could neither orchestrate the straightening of the Leaning Tower of Pisa nor could he inspire the loyalty of a single henchman (not counting Chris Harrison who, of course, is paid rather handsomely for his trouble) much less an entirely International League of Evil.

Juan Pablo is not Selfless
 Renee: You know how, when you're a single parent, you're always very selfless?
 No, Renee. No he does not.

Juan Pablo is not Totally Uncaring
 I know it's something of a controversial opinion, but I believe it's true. Juan Pablo cares about you. Not you, dewy-eyed girl staring up at him longingly. Behind you. Through the camera. Juan Pablo is in a bit of a bind because he has two competing desires. He wants to sleep with as many women as he possibly can, and he wants to win his way into the hearts of the very people who can ensure he never has to work again. It was almost comical to watch him ping pong back and forth between these two goals on this week's episode (especially if by comical, you mean enough to make any reasonable girl want to join a sect of cloistered nuns). So obvious were his motivations, that it was almost funny to watch his little brain hamster spinning on its wheel, to watch him realize that it might not look that noble that he spent a night fornicating with one woman in the ocean and the next day locking lips with all of her friends. It was almost humorous to then see him realize that shaming that same woman for what was obviously a very consensual act probably wasn't going to restore any popularity that he had lost. But the word almost here is key because it's hard to be too tickled by his idiocy when there's a surprisingly rational and sane woman being tormented on the other end.

Week 4, The Scores

	Alli – 5 +5 for a rose
	Andi – 30 +10 for referencing her "journey" +20 for a date rose
	Cassandra – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for being pretty catty about the other girls cattiness.  I don't want to live in a world where reality TV hypocrisy isn't rewarded.
	Chelsie – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying "You can tell how famous they are because we're in this mall and there are people on every level." Which is pretty much just the nature of malls.
	Clare – 50 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for a rose +10 for kissing on a group date Bonus: +5 for making Juan Pablo violate his wildly inconsistent and just generally pretty dumb policy of not kissing on group dates +5 for saying "Korea. I don't even have a kimono." +10 for saying she doesn't think Sharleen and Juan Pablo have chemistry....based on watching them make out a whole lot.  If I could I would give Clare minus a million for bemoaning the fact that she had "chocolate breath."  Chocolate breath is not a thing - it is a delightful bonus to kissing. What is wrong with you, lady!
	Danielle – 20 +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for questioning whether Nikki would make a good example for Camila
	Elise – 25 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for getting aggressively up in Juan Pablo's face about people not being good mothers for this child she has never meant +10 for saying her mother wouldn't want her around such ugly people - Cassandra doesn't have sole proprietorship of hipocrasy.
	Kat – 15 +15 for revealing a personal tragedy +5 for a rose
	Kelly – 25 +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for saying Clare has "swallowed bigger things than that" +15 for being a giant pot stirrer with Nikki and Clare and saying "I feel awkward in the middle of you."
	Lauren – 10 Eliminated +10 for crying twice Non-Bonus Aside: I award her no points for her statement that she "made so many mistakes." After what went down, I feel legitimately bad for her that things went down that way.
	Nikki – 60 +10 for questioning if someone is here for the right reasons +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +5 for interrupting Clare's one-on-one time +10 for demonstrating a stunning lack of understanding of what constitutes science +5 for demonstrating an equally remarkable lack of perspective on the whole dancing thing.
	Renee – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for what was probably the worst instance of sand-bagging in Bachelor history. I wanted to kiss him....so I brought up his daughter.
	Sharleen – 60 +10 for plugging her career +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +20 for a date rose Bonus: +5 for pulling the same 180 that she pulled in the last episode.  Why must you break my hard over and over again, Sharleen +5 for her stunning and I think unprecedented admission that she wasn't sure she wanted kids. I thought Chris Harrison personally screened to make sure these sorts of things didn't happen +10 for Juan Pablo saying she's his "favorite." +5 for complimenting Juan Pablo on being "open to other lifestyles." In light of all that has happened in the past few weeks, my husband literally laughed aloud at this one.