Week 1, The Draft: Prospect Report, Limo 5

Because I aim to be nothing but helpful (it's true. Everywhere I go, people follow me and say. "See that girl? Boy is she helpful!"....at least that's what I've always assumed the word "mean" means), I'm going to start this round of the league by handicapping the prospects for this weekend's draft using a complicated statistic that I've developed based equally on my mathematical acumen (I test at roughly a 7th grade level) and my pension for complete BS.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I'll confess to actually watching the bios ABC helpfully posted on the website just because the first episode gave us so little to go on. I will also confess being ashamed about watching the bios - extra content is where I try to draw the line! For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.

Brian - SP: 4

Attraction (a): 4?
When archaeologists uncover the wreckage of my house 100s of years from now and dig up by miraculously non-biodegraded Bachelor notebooks (because Paper source makes a quality product), the only thing they shall learn about Brian is that he was "from Pennsylvania." Seriously, even looking at this guy's picture, I got nothin'.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 1

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0

Background (B): 1

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 1


Andrew - SP: 145

Attraction (a): 5

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 5

This guy is obviously terrible, and the only question that now remains is if Cody's particular brand of steroid-fueled rage will overshadow his more refined brand of douchebaggery in the early goings of this year's season. From his not-so-veiled implication that Patrick and he were a cut above the rest to pretty much the entirety of his bio video, Andrew's face is pretty clearly just begging to be punched. 

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 3
Seriously, if I were Andi, I would have sent this guy home on night one. The Andrew and Andi thing that he so willingly pointed out absolutely should be a dealbreaker.

Background (B): 3
Now, I'm not Freudian, but I am a big believer in the important kind of messaging transmitted into the world by phallic automotives clearly meant to compensate for something. And Formula 1 vehicles are clearly the king of the penis cars.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5


Mike - SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Sigh. I hate when the Bachelor/ette sends home contestants about whom I still have so many questions. The role of Camps, as played by Alex Winter (aka Bill S. Preston) left me with so many questions about his character. Why does he need an engineering degree to bartend? And why does bartending mean that he gets to take the summers off? And does his 9-month a year bartending gig really keep him in all the crop tops that he really needs? And now we shall never know. 

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 4
I thought this was actually pretty cute, though apparently had it actually been real life, she would have taken that number he presented to her and tossed it in a half-drunk glass of scotch along with a pointedly discarded cigarette butt. 

Background (B): 0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0

Eric 
I can't, in good conscience, write a single thing about Eric except to say that he seemed really nice and interesting and it's all very, very sad.

I know it's sports, but it seems
like a waste of a killer "Blue
Steel" face if they weren't going
to let him shower.

Josh M.- SP: 495

Attraction (a): 10

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 10
I think...due to aforementioned J.J. confusion

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0

Background (B): 5
Josh is another Bachelorette archetype: the former athlete whose heart of gold (read: lack of talents and women throwing their panties at him) led him to give it all up and look toward starting a family. 

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
Andi seems to have her suspicions about Josh, but part o me really thinks that going out on the road and discovering that most women don't want to sleep with a 17-year old is actually, in many ways, more grounding that going to college and discovering that hundreds do!