Prospect Report: Draft Class

For someone who generally thrives on dysfunction and tragic endings (except, of course, in the case of The Little Match Girl. What the hell is up with that, Hans Christian Anderson? It is a Christmas story!), I was shocked to discover that I am actually really rooting for Andi. Sure the episode got off to a fairly typical start as I penned my snarky margin notes about the literal butterflies in Andi's stomach and the fact that 30 seconds in, we had already heard her say more words than we got out of Juan Pablo in an entire season, but then magically, something changed.

Megan's Heart During this Episode

Andi's not the first Bachelorette to come of as wholly charming, she's not the first to genuinely wish her rejects well or to take an interest in someone who interests more than just her libido, and yet, for some reason, in an unprecedented show of support, I think I really want her to find love. I think in all likelihood after the disconcerting ending to Desiree's season and the entirety of Juan Pablo's ill-conceived voyage of yuck, I'm craving the actual format of the show as God and Chris Harrison intended. And in even likier-hood I'll be eating my words by episode three, but for today, I'm all in! Let's get this 26-year-old spinster her last ever shot at love!

While I find Andi surprisingly delightful, I have to admit the same does not apply to the men of this season. Many of them seem like off-brand versions of the memorable cast members from other seasons (In addition to being incredibly awkward, unbelievably contrived, and just about my favorite thing ever, Chris Bukowski's guest appearance really brought that home for me), and it's almost as if, when they asked Andi what she wanted, she said "As far away as you can get from Juan Pablo," and the ABC team, generally unfamiliar with the breed of man who lives outside the law of misogyny, just rounded up all the metrosexual males they could find (David Good would NOT thrive on this season). Even the racecar loving gents were talking about NASCAR's polka-dot-tie-wearing, compliments-usually-reserved for-pregnant-women European cousin, Formula 1. And as much as I didn't think I needed a man in drag or a spoken word acrostic composed to spell out "GANG PROSECUTOR" or a Michael-Keaton wannabe emerging on a clay-mation sandworm to get this season going, this year's entrances were a rather pitiful display. For that reason, I'm afraid this year's prospect report might be a rather pitiful display (in contrast to it's usual almost Talmudic usefulness). But though I had a hard time distinguishing between brown-haired bros in the "coming up" video, though the interview videos got pre-empted by Dancing with the Stars, the scientific principles (read: workings of a very nerdy madwoman) behind the Staying Power metric are still very sound, so as a review, each man in the prospect report has been judged on:

Attraction (a): The degree to which Andi demonstrated attraction to a guy. Not to be confused with actual attractiveness (A), which is classically described by the universally objective Pitt-Beckham scale of hotness. This factor, though among the most important, contributes a larger weight to The Bachelor than to its lady-driven counterpart

Background (B): The extent to which we are exposed to a guy and/or his personal tragedy during Episode 1. This variable encompasses, not just the extent to which the audience is allowed to peer into the still very, very shallow recesses of each contestant's soul, but also, how sad each contestant makes us feel and their level of success in exploiting an adorable relative.

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): This is a controversial measure, but for each contestant who makes it through the first rose ceremony, the extent to which they made the rest of us cringe on night one can actually be a plus in terms of Staying Power. The embarrassing entrance can be your go to for stagnant conversations and for times you should be discussing things like what religion you plan to raise you kids (Yenter, 2013).

Featured Scene Percentage in "Coming Up" Montage (P): This can be misleading. Often the truly terrible villains dominate a lot of screen time and then go home by week 5, but as the draft is ultimately about who will put up points rather than who will win Andi's heart, it would be folly not to include it here.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): This one sort speaks for itself. Also, it has historically had a disconcertingly high correlation with Attraction (a).

Mix these numbers all around (all of which will be based on a not at all arbitrary score out of 10) and you have yourself a metric that - not unlike an NFL quarterback's performance on the combine - is predictive of absolutely nothing. Happy Drafting Everyone!

                      SP = a*P(E+B) - L