Week 9, The Scores - Division Finals

Andi Murray...has a nice ring to it, says Josh. Famed tennis
star Andy Murray and anyone who's been paying any sort
of attention can't help but agree.

Naturally I spent all of this week's episode dreaming about next week's Men Tell All. So in the spirit of that future-thinking sort of optimism (because obviously I am a glass half-full sort of gal - it's what I'm known for along with my propensity to break into song just 'cause), let's continue to look to what's next for our beloved series rather than dwell on an episode in which Andi worked to explain away her sluttiness almost as desperately as the editors worked to make us think it wasn't going to be Josh. Let's break down our remaining men's prospects to be the next Bachelor:

	Chris – 85 Eliminated Why It Will Be Him: Chris is a class act and I'm pretty sure he's a lock for the job if he wants it (and with the Bachelor taping thoughtfully timed for post-Harvest season, what could he possibly have to lose! Shhhh...don't answer that). Sure, Chris precipitated the re-emergence of Andi's Cody-Face (which reads similarly to her "smelling something foul" face combined with her "just arrived on a planet with diagonal gravity" body language), but he also yet again proved his good guy-itude by refusing to sugar coat reality to game the system and by comforting Andi despite the fact that she elected to repeatedly rub it in his face that she tried to love him but it was just too hard. (Also, seriously? Blame it on Iowa! Honestly is not always a sign of respect - sometimes it's just mean!) In truth, sociocultural and historical pontifications on agriculture trends aren't exactly reality TV gold, but certainly the audience everywhere must love him and he undoubtedly fits the mold. Plus with Marcus on Bachelor in Paradise (By the way, I'm very proud of myself for predicting Cody and Marquel would be on that show, especially after making such a hash out of my predictions for this program!), they'd have to dig Brad Womack-style into the cast-offs of past seasons to find a suitable pick. Why We'll Watch: I imagine it will be another generic and predictable season, a palate cleanser to rid us of the surprisingly long-lasting, bitter taste of Juan Pablo. The potential for a different kind of contestant pool is the only real differentiator as the highly education and driven and even the typical models and actresses might not be drawn in by the siren song of homemaking/literally living in a field. I'm not sure the Bachelor shop is even set up to recruit for folks who have amber waves of grain in their hearts rather than the silver screen flickering on their soul, but a season full of super earnest Blakelys and Kacie Bs could either be another amazing chance for a Courtney-stule super-villain to shine or could just be wholesome and terrible. Why We'll be Disappointed: Er...well, at least I was a glass half-full kind of gal for a couple paragraphs! I mean, at this point, Chris can only disappoint us by revealing his surely-existent negative qualities, like say, misogyny and fan-whoredom. That's right, at this point, Chris can only start to slowly reveal that he is actually Sean Lowe. +5 for crying-ish - or what passes for crying when you're just that manly +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +50 for being kicked off outside of game play (not full +100 because this was a mercy killing rather than the result of terrible choices. And you all know how much I love terrible choices) Bonus: +10 for reminding Andi of when she "hopped on his lap and went to town." No, I'm not above that. Your commissioner is a child.
	Josh – 75 Why It Will Be Him: If Andi inexplicably picks Nick and Chris says "no," then this is a real possibility (provided that the producers agree to let him take a break on Sundays to travel the country and watch his kid brother warm the bench). Why We'll Watch: Josh could be kind of interesting. He's cocky and charming so we could skip any sort of false humility, and he might actually have the perfect ratio of legitimately looking for his little wife and looking to sleep with as many women as possible (the ratio, is of course, derived from a highly complicated formula based on supply and demand, the price of Bulgar wheat in China and, of course, terrible dirty puns about sunk costs). Why We'll be Disappointed: Of course might is the operative word. Josh has spent so much time justifying his intentions to Andi and so much time justifying his decision not to make baseball his long-term career that we really don't know that much about him. And I think we all know what happened last time they picked a wild card. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +10 for kissing on a one-on-one x hottub bonus +20 for accepting an invite to the fantasy suite +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for engaging in a sports activity with random kids - clearly this needs to be added to the permanent list! +5 for giving Andi an aggressively loud kiss after the rose ceremony - granted it was on the cheek, but I still found it to be pretty hilarious
	Nick V. – 80 Why It Will Be Him: It won't be. I suppose getting dumped on National TV could be potentially galvanizing as these break-ups sometimes are, and I suppose theoretically all the other men in the Bachelor family could attend Josh's Bachelor party in Vegas only to decide they all want to join a male revue (for some sketchy ill-defined charity, obviously). But even in this highly unlikely hypothetical, there are still ostensible other men on the planet (though if not, the male revue which would be named something classy like Buns and Roses, would clearly be raking it in). So it just won't be Nick. Why We'll Watch: So Nick really isn't my all-time favorite contestant, but I do think he's gotten something of a bum rap. Despite lots of complaints to the contrary, I think his motives are relatively pure-ish, and I feel like he and Andi would have a better chance of making it in the long-run than Andi and Josh. He's not a natural man's man, but the worst crime he's guilty of seems to be a touch of over-analyzing, a trait that's practically mandatory for all Bachelorettes. In some ways, it would be refreshing to have a Bachelor every bit as analytical as what we get with the girls, someone who's eloquent and bright, more known for his intelligence than his attractiveness or charm... Why We'll be Disappointed: I said the exact same things about Ben +10 for kissing on a one-on-one x helicopter bonus +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness (for what I think is actually the first time!) +10 for revealing a personal tragedy and Andi's torturous prompting +20 for accepting the invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for giving Andi a painful to watch gift +5 for a rose

Week 8. The Scores

It's getting down to the end of days now, but we learned this week that Andi still has some surprises left when she sent home early favorite and "I love you THIS much" talking stuffed animal Marcus. I don't think I'd say it's anyone's game, on the show or in our league, but I do believe doors have been left open and the choices people make about putting out next Monday are going to have a pretty big impact, not just on their fate, but on the fate of our Division Champions. Best of luck in the run up to the playoffs everyone!

	Chris – 50 Important Info: If anyone had the foresight to draft Chris' mom, you win. Game over. seriously, that woman went big on night one between her confession of love to her unlikely-to-be-daughter-in-law-to-be to her offer to babysit a brood of mere ideas (speaking of ideas - how many years do you think we have to wait until a Bachelorette gets knocked up in the fantasy suite? Surely a combination of statistics and Chris Harrison's secret desire to be more like Maury Povich will eventually bear that one out), and it clearly worked because I don't think any of us were expecting Chris to make it another week. The late night games, the use of words like "tough cookie" and "gumption, and the sexy tractor ride made the entire hometown date into the Norman Rockwell painting of life on the fart. Ultimately, I think Andi's probably still smart enough to know that board games and slumber parties with the sister who looked just like Sybill Shepherd are a much smaller part of life on a farm than, you know, actual farming. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for Chris' mom confessing her love +10 for Chris' mom pre-emptively pressuring them to start a family
	Josh – 35 Important Info: At this point, when it comes to Josh it doesn't even seem to matter. Andi's repeated concerns are very much smokescreens for the decision she's already made. Perhaps it makes sense that Andi's not eager about him devoting his life to football as she seems hellbent on ignoring anything that involves red flags. The men of Josh's family, though, seemed to know their roles on this date. Josh let Andi see him in his element looking all sweaty and attractive, while brother Aaron, always the quarterback, managed to work in a reference to prayer.  +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for crying...pretty adorably +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for Aaron calling himself a "big boy," particularly hilarious in light of Josh's habit of calling himself a grown-ass man
	Marcus – 35 Eliminated Important Info: Do we think Marcus is just one of those guys who's more attractive in person? Because every time Andi points out that he's the hottest guy she's ever dated, I think "he's not even the hottest guy you're dating right now." Anyway, on the one hand, I'm not sad to see Marcus go. I mean, the man performed a strip tease just so that he wouldn't have to come up with conversation that filled more space than the obligatory declaration of love. On the other hand, I almost feel a little bit bad for him because he had to have been totally blindsided. Part of Andi's charm is her ability to make the men feel comfortable no matter what they're doing, but perhaps she should have showed her hand just a little bit to someone other than his sister that she was feeling rather squeamish about his oppressive love. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for his mom referencing his connection with Andi
	Nick V. – 30 Important Info: Well, it seemed pretty clear to me that no one in Nick's family actually thinks he's going to win. His hometown visit played more like a risk assessment meeting than an outpouring of familiar love. Perhaps it's because Nick kept saying that various members know him better than anyone else. Andi's not going to wind up with a guy who can't do simply math. +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing his connection +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for his sister straight up lying to him about what Andi said. She's clearly starting her quest for Bachelor villain-hood early.

Week 8, The Hot Moms

Just one of many indignities suffered by the
state of Minnesota this week....

Let's hear it for the well-prepped families, huh? Not only were they a particularly well-turned-out bunch (and I think we need a special shout out for Nick's mom, Mrs. V. That did not look like a woman with 10 kids much less a woman who had 9 kids and was within spitting distance of getting them all out the door when she was blessed with a late-in-life happy accident. If that was me, I would be raising Bella instead of showing, not raising her while walking around looking like a Chico's model), but they also clearly knew exactly how this game was to be played. They revealed only the most charming of their sons' and brothers' flaws, asked Andi only the gentlest of questions about a process worthy of a dose of heavy skepticism, and ultimately, spent more time praising the remarkable woman hellbent on destroying 75% of their progeny than they did their own offspring. Less well prepped however, was Andi because:

• Poor little Bella is not 6 and Andi wasn't there to give her a high level overview of the birds and the bees. The kid's questions were amazing and, short of replacing her "r's" with "w's," Andi could not have been more condescending. No wonder the child didn't bother to take note of any of Andi's answers to report back to Nick.



That's right - the World's most dangerous polka band - from
a bar in Minneapolis. Polka is NOT a Wisconsin dance, Nick.
Minnesotans and Polish people everywhere agree!

• Saying you "grew up in the suburbs and have a lake house" isn't a terribly persuasive argument for being country.
• Sometimes, when you are a guest in a paramour's family home, the conversation isn't entirely about you. Andi truly was a bit of a brat with Josh's family. I'm sure they'll all love seeing the footage of her calling everyone but his kid sister immature, and I don't understand why she was acting like the opportunity to travel around the country and take in free NFL games wasn't totally amazing. Even if she doesn't like football, she's definitely not thinking clearly about the delicious stadium snacks.
• She couldn't even muster up the strength to pretend that she wasn't totally turned off by Marcus' overzealousness. While I can completely respect that (I was so very pleasantly surprised when his was the last visit instead of Chris), I really doubt Marcus' sister did.

Finally, obviously no one was prepared for the death of Eric Hill, and while I found myself somewhat disgusted by their coverage of it, I'm not really sure how else they could have handled it. Andi and Chris Harrison kept commenting on how this was real life which made it feel like a new level of hypocrisy that they kept the cameras running throughout and plugged it in the preview scenes as if it was just another aspect of the drama. And watching a group of virtual strangers mourn his death seems to somehow cheapen the grief enduring by his true family and friends. That being said, obviously this really happened and Andi and the gang have every right to be effected by it, so I'm not sure that ignoring or minimizing it would necessarily have been a better approach. I guess, ultimately, like everyone else, I'm sorry that he died; sorry that his death is now somehow inextricably linked to shallow discussions of vaguely trashy reality TV; and sorry that instead of celebrating his life, we're focused on how a group of people who barely knew him are coping with his death.

Week 7, The Scores

In an episode where the preview scenes were considerably more interesting than the events as they actually unfolded, it doesn't seem to make much sense to dwell on recapping the past. Seriously, if I thought the Bachelor producers were capable of playing any sort of long con, I would almost think that the horrors of Juan Pablo's season were just a way of setting things up so that they could spoon feed us this utterly banal, terribly predictable season without us complaining. But this is a group that made this year's contestants strip in the second episode. They're clearly not capable of delayed gratification. So instead of dwelling on the almost invisible acts of villainy, the forced declarations of love, and the fact that some intern clearly fell asleep on the job of researching unique cultural things to do in Belgium ("Well, according to my notes and what I could determine from the information super highway, it appears that Andi and her dates could maybe...eat some food?"), let's instead look to the future:

	Brian – 25 Eliminated Where he will be in a week: Watching a  game by himself at a sports bar somewhere in Harrisburg, clenching his jaw any time he hears laughter while jotting down sports metaphors to help him cope with his heartbreak Where he will be in three months: I never thought I would say this, but I think for Brian, coming on this show might have actually been a good life decision. Brian bemoaned his lack of game throughout the season and his uptick in recognizability as well as the lessons learned on the show (while not every woman is quite as blinded by a good old fashioned ravishing against a  wall as Andi, clearly watching the tape of his awkward kitchen date - analyzing the flaws in his performance, and looking for holes in the defense - will be informative) will ensure that soon Brian will be swimming in all the female attention he can handle. Where he will be in a year: Married. Probably quite happily with a baby on the way. He just seems the type. +15 for saying that he's falling in love +5 for crying-ish Bonus: +10 for revealing his fear of pickles. While not technically a personal tragedy, pickles are quite delicious and he is inarguably missing out.
	Chris – 55 Where he will be in a week: Wiping away tears as he storms toward a limo ride of shame. How do I know this? Because Andi was never going to wind up living on a farm. Oh, and also because they showed us that very scene at the beginning of the season. Is it embarrassing that I remember that? Probably, but not quite as embarrassing as making such terrible and irresponsible decisions at your editing job. Where he will be in three months: Sitting shirtless on a tractor that has been adorned by a garland of roses while cameras capture him in all his middle American glory. Barring him saying no, there's no way Chris being the next Bachelor isn't going to happen. Where he will be in a year: Back on the cover of US Weekly embroiled in some sort of break-up and/or agriculture scandal (probably the former unless the owner of US Weekly decides to run for President and takes a sudden and fleeting interest in Iowa). +15 for saying he's falling in love +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for questioning whether Nick is on the show for the right reasons +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for re-enacting the movie Ghost +10 for calling himself a Nervous Nancy
	Dylan – 25 Eliminated Where he will be in a week: Hopefully getting a haircut. There will always be a special place in my heart for Dylan, but the manly half-ponytail is something that not even I am prepared to handle. Where he will be in three months: Chatting up a cute Irish or Italian girl at a bar in Boston by telling her all about the footage of him interacting with Andi that surely must have existed. Where he will be in a year: Chatting up a cute Irish or Italian girl at a bar in Boston by telling her all about the footage of him interacting with Andi that surely must have existed. +10 for complaining about not getting a 1-on-1 +10 for making a metaphor about the date he was on +5 for crying
	Josh – 50 Where he will be in a week: One the phone with Andi, having their seventh conversation in which he tries to make her explain what she possibly saw in Nick. Where he will be in three months: Trying to get past whatever poor decisions Andi made in the fantasy suite while she tries to prevent herself from going through his texts. Where he will be in a year: Spotted around town canoodling with...I'm gonna say Eva Longoria. Josh is obviously going to take this, but I have rather limited optimism that they'll be built to last. +5 for kissing on a 1-on-1 +10 for saying he's falling in love +15 for being treated to a private concert (I think - it was hard to see past them essentially banging against a wall) +10 for questioning if Nick is here for the right reasons +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for the fake cough. Classic.
	Marcus – 40 Where he will be in a week: I dunno. I guess hopefully apologizing to his mom for airing all of her dirty laundry on TV. It's one thing when it's like a deadbeat dad or some other relative with whom the relationship has been severed, but sharing his mom's failings felt particularly icky...unless it's just that I particularly don't like Marcus. Where he will be in three months: I don't think I can possibly bring myself to care - I guess probably journaling or something? Where he will be in a year: Seriously, whose idea was this stupid format? +20 for revealing two personal tradegies +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for questioning whether Nick was there for the right reasons +5 for a rose
	Nick V. – 95 Where he will be in a week: So, I'm gonna say booking his flight for the Men Tell All. I feel a lot less confident about it than I do Josh winning, but ultimately, while Jake picked Vienna and Ben picked Courtney, they just don't let the Bachelorettes wind up with the villains. Do I think Andi and Nick have better chemistry than her and Marcus? Yes, but then again, I think And and the Bar Exam probably had better chemistry than her and Marcus as well. And ultimately, you have to think they're gonna concoct some cockamie scheme to send Nick packing just so that they can make sure he's prepped to face a jury of his deep-V-wearing peers. Where he will be in three months: If this was the halcyon days of Bachelor Pad, I would say doing that - especially after all the fuss they made over his masterful strategizing. But given that it seems like they're trying to make it a different kind of show, I'm guessing Bachelor in Paradise is going to feature some sort of combination along the lines of Marquel, Cody, and someone we've never really heard talk...like Dylan. Plus, they've already recruited the generic-and-hard-to-remember villain-of-circumstances, Ben, so they likely don't have space for the similarly loathsome Nick no matter how much room he would save them by cramming himself into ridiculously skinny jeans. So I guess it's probably wearing a polka dotted tie out and about in Milwaukee and wondering why no one is approaching him. Where he will be in a year: Standing outside the Bachelor Mansion trying to wheedle Chris Harrison into letting him in to vie for Trissandra's heart. And, if the next Bacheloretteis somehow named Trissandra, in a year's time Ihope to be running the country's most lucrative psychic hotline! +20 for stealing unsanctioned along time with Andi +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +10 for essentially saying he didn't go there to make friends +5 for crying due to the depths of his skeevy emotions Bonus: +5 for calling the group dates the worst thing in the world - he didn't use literally, but the hyperbole was at least as extreme +10 for going super bold and basically telling Andi she loves him. I'm just saying, Andi talks about Josh the way that Nick talks about her. There's no mystery left.

Week 7, The Diversity

So, I'm just gonna go ahead and begin this week's coverage with a rant. Maybe it's because I took the ill-advised approach of watching the episode directly on the heels of our World Cup loss to Belgium and couldn't fully appreciate Brussels' beauty; maybe it's because this week's episode was about as predictable as the outcome of a standard game of peekaboo; maybe I've just reached my saturation of the pouty, simpering face Andi makes after her shameless fishing for declarations of love pays dividends, but I think more than that, it's the program's continued white washing of anything even approaching diversity.

This disappointed face is equally as
applicable to Andi as it is to missing the
game winner.

Look, when Andi was selected as the next Bachelorette and people began to dance the proverbial Hora, I didn't exactly rejoice because at long last they had chosen a woman I could see myself in. because frankly, I'm just not that Jewish. I wasn't bat mitzvah'ed or married under a chuppah and I've, in fact, had to google the proper spelling of each of the Hebrew words tat appear in this post. But even for a girl like me, even for someone that spent 14 years in Episcopalian school and even more years eating bacon (not, like, constantly or anything - I sometimes take a break to go to work), the treatment of Andi's faith has rankled.

It's not so much that, despite her own affiliations, there seem to be no Jewish men amongst her suitors. I feel pretty confident that they at least cleared that with Andi before forcing these gentlemen to vie for her hand and my own husband looks like a walking Hitler Youth poster, so who am I to complain. But in last night's episode, we saw Andi and Josh light a candle in a church; we witnessed as she upheld the sanctity of a monastery; and even more galling, we watched her continue not to have the conversation about marital faith, how their children will be raised, whether or not they'll have a Christmas tree (so, you know, just the important things).

Okay...seductive widows of a certain age plus Morticia Addams

It's entirely possible that these scenes are captured in a heap of sensible life planning on the cutting room floor, but in an episode where they've let us see Andi as Demi Moore from ghost (which, actually I'm totally buying - and Chris as Patrick Swayze is also not too far of a stretch. You have to think that was some producer inside joke -  otherwise that was just too random), and as a seductive widow of a certain age (the only appropriate demographic for a black, long-sleeved sequined dress), I just wish they would also let us see her as a Jew.

Week 6, The Scores

Since this episode was all about honesty and the foundation on which all lasting relationships must be built, I just wanted to say, I trust you all. Now can you please submit a urine sample, just cause, you know, it seems like it might be fun? One more week until hometowns when Andi gets to decide who else she'd like to treat as poorly as Cody. This week we learned that Andi has never tried so hard at anything in her life, a fact for which I'm sure any gang member she's ever failed to put behind bars thanks her. We also learned that, while Venice may be one of the most beautiful and romantic places on earth, it's still pretty much impossible to find three different activities to do there, leaving lie detector tests as the only natural choice for the remainder of the program. I know that the men aren't actually confined to the hotel room while Andi is off on other dates (although, the show weirdly make it seem like that - like there's a burly security guard posted outside their date ensuring that they don't accidentally absorb any culture and preventing them from ordering anything outside of a cheeseburger and pizza from room service. His name is almost definitely Jonesie and he only has two more seasons to go before he gets his pension. Bad news, Jonesie - you're going to have make it through Bachelor in Paradise without contracting some sort of air-born STD/being murdered in your sleep by the overloaded craziness combo of Clare and AshLee). Let's see how many lies I have to tell to convince you of my love for this episode.

	Brian – 25 Important Info: Brian pretty much got straight up lawyered by Andi during his fake lie detector test, and he's lucky that the whole thing clearly left Andi feeling pretty smitten because otherwise it seems like she couldn't have possibly have failed to notice that he 100% ripped that poem off from Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You. +10 for "writing" Andi a poem +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose
	Chris – 60 Important Info: If I had the power to save one man from this taking part in this year's installation of this miserable franchise, it would decidedly be Chris. Chris, as seen on TV, seems reasonable and caring and sweet. Is it any wonder I'm having an impossible time writing words about him? +10 for kissing on a group date +20 for a group rose Bonus: +30 for revealing he is the secret admirer
	Cody – 45 Eliminated Important Info: If Cody felt like the pet dog of the group it's clearly just because he had a shocking sense of self-awareness. Andi isn't the perfect Bachelorette. She plays the "poor me" card a bit too much when she has to send guys packing; she reverts to the same stock conversations that have populated Bachelor footage since the dawn of time (though naturally, at the dawn of time, there were a few more evolutionary clues as to which organism a girl should ultimately select and a bit more of an emphasis on asexual reproduction in the fantasy suite), and she inexplicably seems to like Nick even though there's no discernible reason why she possibly would. But Andi's treatment of Cody was the first thing she has done this season that was truly just kind of icky. I'm not saying that she's the first girl who's ever kept a guy on the hook knowing full well she preferred his romantic attentions unspoken and unrequited. But the way she raved about his green eyes, made him read a rather obviously targeted letter clearly penned by one of the interns waiting just off camera in the wings, and then waited until halfway through his speech about how much he loved her before acting like there was anything amiss. And then to top it all off she made it seem like he was stupid for feeling a connection where clearly one could never exist. Obviously, I know that producers sometimes play a role in these sorts of decisions and that they might have had a hand in keeping Cody around after last week's tussle with Nick, but someone needs to tell Andi that she can only have a puppy if she promises to take care of it. And she 100% did not take care of Cody. +10 for being called the perfect person for his date...I assume because he is literate +5 for crying +10 for writing Andi a letter +10 for referencing his connection with Andi - sadly erroneously Bonus: +10 for having Andi really go out of her way not to comment on his attractiveness
	Dylan – 10 Important Info: Dylan's tummy hurts! +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for admitting he doesn't wash his hands. Seriously, if Andi thinks that level of honesty is necessary for relationship bliss, then I'm afraid none of us can help her.
	J.J. – 25 Eliminated Important Info: So...what the hell happened with all of this? I have to be honest, I was 100% convinced that Dylan was going home after he bowed out of the group date and also wasn't Josh, Nick, Brian, Marcus, or J.J. If Vegas made odds on programs such as this (and they don't because apparently this woman's quest for love is literally less worthy of betting than watching small, hairless dogs that require sweaters to brave the elements run around in circles), they would have been 100:1 against J.J. going home (I guess - I don't really understand how love works). I would actually really like to know what happened to take J.J. from making Andi feel the special-est last week to seeing him barred from Brussel's bliss only seven short days later. If I was forced to guess I would say his unconventional manliness finally ran up against Andi's Southern upbringing, but since I can't see anyone coming for me with a night stick in hand, demanding an explanation for a program on which internet rumors abound, I shall eat myself a donut instead. +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +15 for his general petulance over Chris getting the date rose. Don't get me wrong - I understand the premise of the show, but....how can you not be rooting for Chris? What's wrong with you!
	Josh – 20 Important Info: Look, Josh was justifiably pissed about being forced to submit to a lie detector test which was a very weird thing to have to do and a waste of a perfectly good country. That being said, does anyone actually think Andi plans the dates? I'm mean, she ripped up the results - what else could she possibly do? +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for throwing a tantrum
	Marcus – 25 Important Info:  Dear Marcus,   If you don't have anything interesting to say, perhaps don't say anything at all?   Thanks every so much, Megan P.S. The thirteenth derivation of the extent to which you are currently or will soon be in love with Andi in no ways qualifies as interesting. +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for ex post facto threatening to leave. Just another flavor of Marcus' continued weak sauce.
	Nick V. – 80 Important Info: Nick is yet another in a long line of Bachelor villains who, as far as I can tell, hasn't actually done anything that is all that bad. Does he have a smug, punchable face? Certainly! But that's not really his fault - he and his DNA really only have one way communication. Nick's a little bit smarmy and he's certainly ridden his skepticism about the Bachelorette process all the way to the top, but, let's face it, his biggest crime is clearly wasting our time dealing with the dullest form of drama when we should be finding about J.J.'s secret furry fetish that got him sent packing instead of Dylan.  +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for having Andi comment on his attractiveness +15 for saying he's falling in love +10 for making his date into a metaphor +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose Bonus: +5 for stealing Andi away before others WITHOUT ROSES have a chance

Week 5, The Scores

	Andrew – 20 Eliminated Important Info: Say what you want about Andrew, but he definitely did get bullied. Now, I'm not saying there wasn't a fair amount of karma involved... +10 for complaining about not getting a 1-on-1 Bonus: +10 for casually bragging about spending time in San Tropez and Monaco.
	Brian – 35 Important Info: There's so much to like about Brian and, in a normal setting he'd totally be the guy I'd want to set up with my sister or that really nice girl from work who's always bringing in baked goods and complimenting strangers on their outfits. But let's face it, competitive dating is clearly not a setting in which he is primed to thrive. As glad as I am that Andi decided to let him stay, it does make it just a little bit harder to believe in the "process' when the Bachelorette refuses to send anyone home after a one-on-one date. +10 for Andi saying he is the perfect person for his particular date (and +0 for the extent to which she rapidly regretted saying it) +5 for kissing on a date +20 for a date rose
	Chris – 35 Important Info: Andi claimed she didn't want to participate in the drama, but she felt like she had to after a date that was all about communication. Assuming for a moment that the crux of her logic isn't terribly flawed, I'm pretty sure miming is about 1) The French further attempting to alienate the rest of the world, 2) Providing fodder for Saturday morning cartoon shows (and speaking of which, remember when we were in junior high/high school and Looney Tunes experienced a sudden resurgence in fame and popularity? There was a WB story and entire lines of sports apparel emblazoned with their image. I'm sure there have been detailed economic studies of this incomparable phenomenon, but as the Lebron vs. Jordan debate rages on for the next twenty odd years, it's important not to discount the role Space Jam undoubtedly played in the revival of those plucky, speech impediment-riddled cartoon characters. Lebron might be a better perimeter shooter but Michael Jordan was a job creator); and 3) Terrifying small children. It is not about communication. That being said, she certainly used it - alongside implied promises of their future marriage - as an excuse to browbeat Chris into tattling on Nick. Remember this when Chris gets sent home - no good can come of tattling on the frontrunner. +30 for tattling, despite the fact that he was obviously forced by Andi's manipulations. I hope he saw that as the chilling glimpse into the future that it undoubtedly is. +5 for a rose
	Cody – 40 Important Info: Though my first impressions of Cody were that he was a juiced up Nick 2.0, he actually does seem kind of sweet. And at this point, Andi is kind of doing him a disservice by keeping him there. He is so far up in the friend zone that the Girl Scouts wrote a song about him and yet Andi keeps him around because he is nice and he is safe. Either that or the producers are planning to use him to tear Nick limb from limb, in which case, please, carry on. +30 for tattling +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for saying, "Mime on my money and my money on my mime." Somebody had to say it.
	Dylan – 5 Important Info: Oh Dylan. When Dylan is gone, I shall choose to remember him as saying mimes "use their hands and do activities." I don't think I've ever loved Dylan as much as I did just then.  +5 for a rose
	J.J. – 45 Important Info: J.J. is the serpent in the Garden of Eden (a Garden of Eden where, obviously, innocence does not reign). There has seriously been very little drama this year that didn't have him whispering in the background, pulling the manlier strings of suitors like Josh and and Marquel. I know a lot of you are J.J. fans, but I challenge any of you to prove he hasn't stitched some sort of fuzzy, day-glo mind control device into the lining of the other gentlemen's pants. +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +15 for tattling on Andrew...we've been down this road before...
	Josh – 85 Important Info: I'm not saying Josh M. sucks because he was a second round pick out of 54 rounds. Probably because no one has ever said that about anyone ever. It's not a thing. But between the way he forced that into the conversation so unnaturally and his highly suspect assurance that he could go back to playing if he wanted to, does anyone else feel like Bruce Springsteen needs to write a song about this guy immediately? +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +10 for revealing a personal tragedy of his girlfriend cheating on him +15 for repeating plugging his currently non-existent sports career +10 for being treated to a concert by a band I've never heard of (though for a split second I thought they said Ben Folds and was ready to be super shocked) +5 for kissing in a date setting +20 for a date rose
	Marcus – 15 Important Info: I was already not entirely on board with the whole Marcus thing, but the fact that he's now decided to replace anything even approaching meaningful conversation with repeated confessions of his over-eager love has left me anxiously awaiting his depature. And not the kind of anxious that he was pathetically trying to mime - pretty sure that effort translated better into "eating a sandwich." +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose
	Marquel – 25 Eliminated Important Info: I'm not the only one who thinks Marquel has a shot at being the next Bachelor. Marquel thinks so too. his exit interview was basically a tearful audition tape. But I wouldn't be too upset if his claim that he was a believer in love again catapulted him into the poorly-received shoes of Il Bachelore that came before him. +10 for crying twice Bonus: +15 for dealing with the whole Andrew situation is the classiest way possible...you know, minus that time when he decided to come on this show
	Nick V. – 25 Important Info: A poem by Nick: Are you upset with me? I hope not. But if so, you'll see I keep this poem in my pocket Because it's cheaper than a locket. I use it in cases of emergency That must be handled with some urgency So while it may seem I'm trying to distract you, I swear I'm just trying to attract you. I love you baby - you're my world.* * Optional - not to be used before Week 6 +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for whipping out a poem - I thought I was on board for anything that preventing Andi from continuing to call him "salty." I was incorrect.
	Patrick – 15 Eliminated Important Info: Patrick was hilarious in this episode and now it seems he is gone from us too soon. You're right, Patrick. Gentlemen aren't arrogant. And your mother does think you'll make some girl a very special husband some day.  Bonus: +10 for saying that multiple people think that he has qualities paramount to being a husband +5 for stressing that is was not just girls as if that somehow...lended validity.

Week 5, The Nonsense

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but...there was not enough Helen Mirren in this week's episode of The Bachelorette (which, by the way, they can say all they want about how the movie they were schilling is about love and passion and the inextricable link between our five senses and the senses of the heart, but it, like every other Helen Mirren vehicle, is actually about how it is possible that Helen Mirren looks that unbelievably good at the age of 69. That's the plot of Calendar Girls, it's the plot of Red, and it's the plot of The Queen. In fact, the plot of Downton Abbey is pretty much just about how Helen Mirren is too much a marvel of modern healthy living to be plausible in a period piece - a point which still remains damn worth making even after four seasons). But then again, as Maggie has already pointed out, there wasn't enough of a lot of things in this episode as jet lag and petulance contributed mightily to a growing sense of midseason fatigue. Nonetheless with no hiatus to look forward to next week, we press on with my collection of scattered and not-at-all poignant thoughts (I wore myself out with the whole Helen Mirren schtick):

Despite having no iris, Bert's eyes still manage to look more
soulful, less dead than our good buddy C.H.

- I'm glad to see that Juan Pablo didn't forever ruin Chris Harrison's ability to pretend to put in some modicum of effort for his exorbitant paycheck. It was nice to see him this week, especially since his version of Euro casual was a particularly aggressive-looking knitting catalog insert. The sympathy hives I broke out in while watching were worth it just to say I was there when Chris Harrison joined Samuel L. Jackson, that one guy from One Direction, and Bert from Sesame Street in the elite club of men who wear turtlenecks.
- The Bachelorette finally decided to admit it wasn't color-blind this week and, unsurprising failed to advance the civil rights movement in its first foray into this admittedly rather charged topic. In some ways, Marquel seems to be the perfect spokesperson for race on this show. He dealt with the whole thing with honesty and aplomb, and I really enjoyed watching the whitest of the white boys line up to pay their respects for how he executed his calm attack. That being said, while referring to someone as "blackie" is offensive and abhorrent, I couldn't help noticing that everyone glossed over the much likelier possibility that Andrew actually said "black guys"...which, if we're being honest really isn't that much better. For a show that's eager to place accusations of racism behind it, it remains unwilling to confront the reality that including a handful of minorities on each season and letting them hang around for four or five shows isn't the solution. I'm disappointed in what happened with Marquel because he and Andi seemed to have good chemistry and fun flirtation and yet he still go sent packing in a week where the wooden Dylan and awkward Brian got to stay around and continue wooing. And it just made the show's recently implemented quota system that much more apparent. I don't know what the solution is outside of a mea culpa that ABC is clearly not ready to offer or the recruitment of a bachelor or bachelorette who really is attracted to all races and creeds. But I'm willing to bet that the producers played a part in making sure the debate focused solely on the improbably offensive term because Andrew pointing out that she kept the "black guys" around plays much differently than a racial slur. And Andrew's not the only one to blame.

Marquel Marqueau -
Oh that's right. I just made a
mime joke.

- And on a related note, the miming date was actually pretty adorable and I could completely understand Andi falling a little bit more in love with a number of the guys, but....did anyone else experience a moment of horror where they thought, on top of everything he was already dealing with, Marquel might be forced into white face?
- So, as each day passes, it becomes more and more obvious that Josh is probably going to win. Even without what's happening on the show, Josh and his family are apparently Atlanta football royalty and it seems pretty unlikely that Andi wouldn't have already known who he is (and perhaps kept a scrapbook of his newspaper clippings and athletic accomplishments like I definitely didn't do for a certain member of 1999-2000 Gopher Men's Basketball team). On the show, though, things are pclearly progressing as well as is shown by the breakthrough deep conversation they finally had this week. I believe it went a little something like this:

Freakishly tall and ridiculously
corn-fed used to do it for me.
What can I say?

   Andi: Yeah, I thought you were a dirtbag athlete who probably slept around a lot
   Josh: My ex-girlfriend thought so too. In fact, she thought it so hard that she actually went and made out with someone else.
   Andi: That is appalling and in no way directly parallel to what I am doing to you right now.
Now, I'm not saying that all deep conversations need to focus on peac in the Middle East or Raskolnikov's motives or every how the color that you see as blue might be totally different than the way that I'm perceiving it, but I still don't really think a re-hash of the exact same conversation that happens on every episode of The Bachelorette ever really qualifies.
- And finally, if any of you weren't already certain that I wouldn't make it on The Bachelor, the revelation that the cocktail parties sometimes start at 11:20 was the nail in the coffin of my dreams (the acerbic but still funny and cool English professor to my mixed metaphor). I sometimes don't even watch the show because it's on so late - partaking in its activities would clearly interfere with my bedtime.

Comment dites-vous ‘ennuyez’?

I’m bored with this seasonzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... *ahem* During last night’s episode, I only half paid attention – the rest of it was diverted by checking email, showering, breaking up cat fights (literally, cat fights between my two cats, who sometimes have dominance issues), and online bathing suit shopping (if anyone has tips on cute, relatively inexpensive bikinis with bottoms that stay put, let me know). I’m sure our fine commissioner Megan has some lovely blogs planned for this week, but in case you are like me and can barely stay interested during the show, or pine for the days of shirtless drunk men lounging by the pool and getting into bro fights over whose pecs are bigger, below is a quick recap in pictures. Why? Saves time. The brain processes visuals 60,000 faster than text, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go.

Apparently, Andi is in love with multiple people:

Josh and Andi go on a one-on-one, where they sucked face a lot and a bird pooped on Josh:

Andi starred her own cheesy Suave commercial with featured guests Des and Catherine (whose hair still looked like crap from their commercials).

A mime group date horrifies the people of Marseilles. This captures the sentiment perfectly:

Andi finds out on her one-on-one with Brian that he is petrified of cooking, to the point where he barely talks to her in the kitchen:

Andi is bored, skips the cocktail party, and clear cuts 3 guys, including Chris Bukowski-wannabe lookalike Andrew, Cookie Monster Marquel, and “Lots of people -- "not just girls" -- say I have all the "qualities" one looks for in a husband” Patrick. Peace out, homies.

They also kept plugging Rising Wall, a new ABC show which basically looks like every other voice talent show ever, except they created a 2-ton, gazillion foot wall to raise and lower behind contestants based on their vote, so I’m sure at some point it’s going to experience a mechanical failure and come crashing down on Ke$ha (one of the judges). Just fyi.

Photos courtesy of the Interwebs.

Week 3, The Scores

The long awaited scores from last week - big thanks to Maggie for keeping us all entertained in the face of my delinquency. Hopefully I haven't caused too many sleepless nights as you've all been waiting to learn where you stand. Although I wouldn't be shocked to learn that the gentlemens' epic singing prowess haunted your dreams

	Andrew – 30 Important Info: So, Andrew's a dick, right? I mean, I don't really care about the whole getting the hostess's number. He's dating a girl who's literally seeing 20 other dudes - I feel like one set of digits can be excused and the way that J.J. waited a week (which I initially, Freudian-ly typed as "weak") and then essentially called in his big brother Josh was pretty weak sauce. That being said, his reaction to their attack which include the line, "I like to give people the beenfit of the doubt and I don't worry if you're a dork or an asshole or nerdy," left me feeling every bit as certain that he's not the most delightful of men as I am about his inability to correctly enact the phrase "benefit of the doubt." +10 for questioning if Nick is there for the right reasons +10 for 2 roses Bonus: +20 for getting someone's number
	Bradley – 25 Eliminated Important Info: Bradley is basically a caricature of the preppy villain from every National Lampoon villain ever and yet, I feel he is gone from us too soon. Will I miss his constant, aggressive opera singing and his smug, insufferable face? No, but during his exit interview, Bradley said he "loved to be loved" and I feel like, in time, he was really the kind of guy who I could have loved to hate.  +25 for plugging his career harder than any career has ever been plugged
	Brett – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Not the way I would have chosen for you to go out buddy. Surely, Brett must have engaged in some sort of ukulele- playing or homemade pickling that simply happened off-screen.
	Brian – 50 Important Info: Okay, I have to say, when it comes to Brian, I get it. It is undeniably attractive to watch men do things that they excel at (unless you're a creationist - because it really is Charles Darwin backing this theory up) and Brian not only got to do that this week, he did it while generally being adorable. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness (a lot) +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose
	Chris – 10 Important Info: Too bad she's already married, because otherwise I'd be all about setting Chris up with Renee. How cute was it to watch him play Den mom to poor, devastated Dylan (and how much more appropriate was his reaction than Andi's). In my head, I've decided that he had a private word with Andi in the first of the week's episodes to ensure that Dylan got himself a one-on-one date in the second (especially since, let's be real. Andi's just not that perceptive). He's totally going to get pushed out by his flashier, more demonstrative peers, but I'm a pretty big fan +10 for 2 date roses
	Cody – 25 Important Info: It's hard to remember the first time I played a prank on my husband. It might have been the time I told him I lived with my parents, or the time I hid haddock with the spare tire in teh trunk of his car. Or perhaps it was the time I covered him in body glitter as he slept then woke him up by waving a tassled bra in his face and screeching about a stripper. Except for that I didn't do any of those things because that would be super crazy. It might be nice that Andi's thinking about him as Cody claimed, but I guarantee those thoughts aren't trending toward the romantic.   +10 for having Andi pull a prank on him +10 for 2 roses Bonus: +5 for saying, "Whatever happens, this is an awesome experience." Seriously Cody, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. That's basically what people say to their bunkmate on the verge of going into battle.
	Dylan – 60 Important Info: Poor Dylan. It was inarguably an ill-timed, cringingly explained pity rose. And it's just so blatantly clear that Dylan's not going to be the man left standing at the end. While it's hard to imagine a graceful way in which Andi could have sent him packing, it's basically a cruelty to keep him from the women of Boston who, I assure you, are clamoring to mother him slash run their fingers through his greasy, greasy hair.  +5 for a rose +5 for crying +30 for all of the personal tragedy in the world +20 for a date rose
	Eric – 125 Eliminated-ish Important Info: Can we just say he was right and she was wrong and move on? One of my favorite former students once angrily yelled "I DO NOT HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS" across a crowded cafeteria. Andi said, "I respect your openness" in the exact same way. +5 for a rose +10 for revealing he was raised Mormon which isn't a tragedy per se, but seriously, what is with all the Mormon's on this show? +100 for being kicked off the show outside of game play Bonus: +10 for calling Andi a TV actress. That was amazing. And I'm sure very, very true
	J.J. – 95 Important Info: So, yes, portions of JJ and Andi's old age makeup date were pretty darling. Despite the fact that they clearly aged Andi considerably less, JJ really did make the best out of what was inarguably an aggressive and weird first date. That being said, he loses a substantial percentage of the points for then acting like the purpose of the date was to go out and confuse people, as if the sight of old people in the park, nay, in any public location is somehow inherently confusing.  +10 for being called perfect for the date he was on +5 for date kissing +10 for revealing he used to be picked on and that really bizarrely that he and his ex-girlfriend used to be super competitive with each other +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +20 for a date rose +15 for tattling on Andrew...sort of...to Josh... +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for giving Andi a Werther's. Which was amazing.
	Josh – 55 Important Info: I'm weirdly in alignment with Andi on this one. There really is something about Josh. His terrible underarm tattoos, his solo post-loss solemn reflection, and the fact that he had anything complimentary to say about high heel sneakers should all be red flags (as should his use of the phrase "grown-ass man." My husband uses that all the time, but it's generally after I've made him do something like hunt for Easter Eggs or practice our West African Tupperware drumming - not generally in the midst of an altercation), and yet somehow, something about Josh M. is working for me and I can see him hanging in there until the very end.  +10 for questioning whether Andrew is there for the right reasons +10 for being upset about not getting a one-on-one +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +5 for a rose
	Marcus – 70 Important Info: After Nick took an early lead, Marcus has inched him out as front runner for the guy who cares a little too much a little too early. The fact that Andi didn't cring and say "too soon, too soon" is a clear sign that she's pretty into him (also a clear sign - the fact that she didn't punch him when he said "I'm more scared that you. I promise." Because a) How could he possibly know that? Is he in on some sort of Monsters, Inc. style sceme where he's mastered how to bottle and/or quantify fear. If so, when do we get to hear him reveal that secret. Surely, it can't wait for hometowns, and b) That is just not a helpful thing to say at all unless you are a wild animal or otherwise the source of that fear). +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one +5 for a rose +15 for saying he is falling in love with Andi, especially since too soon, too soon, too soon! +10 for facing a fear +10 for being treated to a concert of someone I've never heard of before. +20 for a date rose
	Marquel – 20 Important Info: It's way too early in the season to make such predictions, but if the season ended tomorrow, Marquel would be my front runner to be the next Bachelor. He's charismatic, he seems to be a delightful conversationalist, and he's a really refreshing mix of manly and feminine (give that none of those descriptors were "so mind-numbingly boring that I am forced to compose a limerick about distinguishing portions of his anatomy to keep from totally tun out," I'm pretty sure the ABC producers have already rejected that idea out of hand). +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for 2 roses
	Nick V. – 45 Important Info: Nick knows how to play the Game (not the game of basketball, obviously, as he made about 14 football references while trying to talk smack during the group date). From bringing up his "schoolboy crush" to ordering flowers for the cocktail party to a secret admirer note that just had to have been from him, Nick could pretty much teach a master class in how to take things to the next level and it is working for him despite his increasingly punchable face. +5 for kissing on a date +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for sending flowers to the cocktail party - seriously, why hasn't anyone ever done that before?
	Patrick – 10 Important Info: Patrick is a person who is ostensibly still on this show. That is all. +10 for 2 roses
	Ron – 50 Left the Show Important Info: If Nick could teach a master class on how to hang around on this show, then Ron could teach a master class on how to leave it. Personal tragedy is this show's bread and butter, and I have all the respect in the world for the fact that Ron didn't try to parlay his friend's death into extra time on film. It's disgusting that I even had to write that as that should probably just be the baseline level of human decency, but in years past, this occurrence would have almost certainly resulted in a series of interviews and an "urgent" conversation with the Bachelor/Bachelorette. And Ron paid far better tribute to his friend's memory by avoiding cameras until he could quietly sneak out the back. +50 for leaving the show

Tasos – 5 Eliminated Important Info: I don't really have anything to say about Tasos this week. But it's cool. It was made pretty clear that he's not really worthy of our attentions anyway. +5 for a rose