Day 12, Olivia

There's something vaguely predatory about Olivia's smile, and, while I don't typically like to judge based on appearances (you know, at least not aloud), her profile backs me up.

Because even her most embarrassing moment is vaguely competitive. Olivia admits that not much embarrasses her, but then qualifies with "Maybe the time I set the record for time spent stuck in an elevator my freshman year of college." Which...first of all...is getting stuck in an elevator really that embarrassing? Unless you somehow accidentally pressed a button that said "Don't Press Me or You Will Get Stuck" instead of the one for "Lobby" or were stuck in there for a long time and went a little Lord of the Flies, you're basically just telling us about a time where something happened to you that sort of sucked and you continued to be in a normal state of non-embarrassed. But second of all, who works a brag into an embarrassing moment? Why did it have to be a record? Couldn't it have just been a lengthy stay in a vertically mobile box? Does someone at your college actually chart records for those sorts of things? And do they get course credit for it? And do we think Olivia herself was the person that did that job and she now holds all sorts of inane college records? All I can say is, I'd really like to see her resume because I envision she has some truly amazing "special skills."

Day 13, Breanne

If Breanne's profile is an accurate predictor of her performance, then I seriously hope the producers keep her around for a long time (and if it is an accurate, please note that I do believe producer intervention will be required. Because Ben is boring enough not to love the crazy).

I love Breanne's body of work so much that rather than scrambling to find one moderately interesting thing to say about her, I have compiled an entire list of reasons I find her profile to be of note. So here, in order of, "Well, a lot of Bachelor Contestants probably watch Top Model" to "Holy Wow, this girl is Crazy" I give you Breanne:

5) She references a Tyra Banks-ism. And while "smizing" isn't one of Ty-Ty's most insane concepts (Because that award goes to Modelland, her dystopian young adult novel, in which a character literally has roller skates for feet and knives for breasts), anyone who makes a point of citing her is sure to have packed a jumpsuit for each rose ceremony or have a half-baked British accent locked and loaded for her first one-on-one date or sneaking into a fellow contestants room in the middle of the night to shave off half of her hair and dye the remainder purple. And that's a contestant I want to see.

4) If Breanne was a vegetable, she would be a "Carrot! Sweet and Sassy." Also, it seems likely Breanne has never actually eaten a carrot or, if so, has some sort of disorder which makes it difficult for her to process flavors.

3) Breanne claims her favorite book is "Why Men Love Bitches." Because she thinks "...the title is hilarious, but it's all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you." I suspect it's really all about feeling slightly less bad about the mean-spirited decisions that you make. I also suspect it would recommend against coming on this show....

2) Breanne's final answer deals with what she hopes to get out of this show. She says "I want to find the love of my life and be role models together for what true love is. I want to show America that anything is possible and God will give you the desires of your heart. #powercouple - Yes I hastagged that ;)" Clearly, I need two bullets to process this...and that's only because I'm not touching on the whole God thing.  First of all...she hashtagged her own answer....and then acknowledged that fact by emoticon'ing her own hashtag. I cannot.

1) Secondly, I would never claim to be a role model for what true love is...mostly because I would not claim to be a role model for anything aside from eating Reese's Peanut Butter Trees for breakfast (I obviously dominate that). But if one were to claim role model status, I suspect that that person a) would not have met their intended online, b) would not use their relationship as springboard to other, classier programs like Marriage Bootcamp: Reality Stars (ahem, Sean and Catherine), and c) would not HASHTAG themselves as a POWERCOUPLE. Or perhaps I'm confusing being a role model for true love with being a role model for living your life with a shred of common sense. And perhaps that's exactly why no one wants to emulate me. #Logicisforlosers Frowny Face Emoticon with a Tear.

Day 14, The Inane Conversations

To prepare us, ABC's crack team decided to make us read each and every contestant's answer to the question "Do you prefer hot or cold weather?" Maybe it will soon emerge that temperature preference is of the utmost importance to Ben, but...I'm not even convinced it's possible to answer that question in an interesting way. (Okay, it's clearly possible..."Cold because it keeps the bodies better preserved" and "Hot because it means more patrons for my ice cream truck business" both come to mind, but..,it's certainly not probable). 

My ice cream truck business where I keep the bodies....

The only possible justification is that they are attempting to re-invigorate us to sit through dozens of conversations that start with "how do you know you're ready to find love" or "where do you see yourself in five years" or "I love your blue eyes. Oh, they're green? I thought they were blue" and they know they only hurt themselves if our standards are raised.

Day 15, Jennifer

According to Jennifer, if she could be any animal, she would be a dolphin because "they are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure." On a related note, humans are apparently the only mammal who try to appear sexy by inadvertently describing the lack of pleasure they take in sex.

Day 16, Maegan

So...my initial instinct was to criticize Maegan for the horrible misspelling of what is the most perfect of names, but....then I read her profile...and now I think that it's probably for the best that she and I don't share a name. Because we certainly don't share anything else!

For example, Maegan, hails from Texas and is a self-described cowgirl and literally punctuates her profile with the colloquialism "Shoot-" . I hail from Minnesota, which might as well be Canada, and as a result am often criticized for pronouncing words like "about" so that they rhyme with "shoot."

Maegan has a pet mini horse, whereas I...don't even have a way to end this sentence that comes close to rivaling a mini horse.

Maegan claims that when she approaches guys "ass grabbing always works great!" Whereas I prefer to reserve my ass grabbing for business meetings.

And I guess, since Maegan does mention snake-murdering in her profile, it probably makes sense that she gets the more Irish of the spellings. St. Patrick would be proud. And then, I imagine, probably ashamed at the sparkly green booty shorts Maegan once wore in his honor. And then proud again because she was wearing them with her mini horse.

Day 17, The Return of the Old Favorites

And by old favorites, I of course mean, former contestants about whom my apathy knows no bounds. Though I am sure the two women are equally certain that they are destined to end up with Ben, in nearly every other way, they couldn't be more different. Amber carries an air of desperation, while Becca gives off the icy chill of a someone who might not be fully open to finding true love on reality TV (I know. The bitch!). I imagine one of them will do quite well, and I imagine it will probably be Becca because could there possibly be a less subtle juxtaposition of a series of fantasy suite dates featuring a virgin and twins!?!?  Of course...it's possible that's just bitterness talking...I wasn't thrilled to find out that I actually sort of remembered their cast bios from their season with Chris.

Day 18, Lauren R.

Because if I could eat dinner with any three people, I too would choose "Jesus, Michelangelo, and Justin Timberlake." Not because it's a combination I EVER would have thought of, but because, well...it's been to be an interesting meal. Unlike Lauren R., however, I'd probably opt for a salad rather than a pizza. Not because I'd want the salad, but because I think we all know Michelangelo would drone on about how it wasn't real Italian pizza, Justin Timberlake would be grossed out by all the grease I got all over my face, and Jesus...well, that guy would just generally judge.