Bachelorette Bios

If I've learned anything from watching this show for the past (oh, this is about to be an embarrassing number) seven years, it's that I should always trust my gut (Unless it's on a date. This season's cohort, like last are disproportionately concerned with bodily functions). So, since there's no Advent Calendar for the Bachelorette (and since I'm reading a terrible book that I'm the process of avoiding), I thought I'd post a few quick gut reactions from casually perusing this year's bios:

Most Disconcerting Quote: In his short bio, Ben H. manages to say: "Marriage is a total sacrifice" twice. I'm not saying that there aren't going to be some compromises involved, but...who told Ben H. that he would get absolutely nothing good out of marriage! He also says he'd like to have lunch with Nelson Mandela...probably because he imagine's Mandela's imprisonment to be a whole lot like marriage.

Remember those simpler times before we all knew how
pretentious she was...?

Strangest Favorite Movie: A nod to pre-GOOP Gwyneth with Sliding Doors. Ryan B slipped it in just between Braveheart and Top Gun.

Favorite Cory: Cory. Although I feel like his name is wronger than the other Corey, in every other way he is righter! It's an esteemed honor that Cory by including Goonies as one of his favorite films and by not being being my...

Least Favorite Corey: Corey devotes precious platitude space in his bio to what he feels to be the importance of essentially creating a vision statement with his prospective partner. And given that his ideal superpower required like seven sentences of explanation, I sense that even if I were willing to endure the process, our visions would not click.

Most Likely to Do an Obscene Amount of Coke: Bradley. I was willing to give him a pass for being an "International Auto Dealer" but that was before I saw that his favorite movie was Wolf of Wall Street

Most Likely to be the Love Child of Breakfast Club Era Judd Nelson and Jimmy Fallon: Brady. And you will all be hard-pressed to convince me that that is not exactly who he is!

Most Reasonable Date Fear: Chris, whose biggest date fear is having his date try to eat his food. Not only is that truly terrifying, but as an added bonus, I think he can sleep safe knowing there's no way the producers can make that happen!

Most Hilarious Date Fear: Joshua. Who says he fears: "My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow." He's either adorably imaginative or that has actually happened to him before...

Obviously, a statement on second amendment rights...

Most Eligible for Tori to Date Once He's Been Cast-Off: Justin. Because he's from Naperville. And who doesn't love that kind of convenience!

Best Role Model: Chuck Norris, who Clint would like to be "for obvious reasons." I assume those obvious reasons are that Clint, too, would like to be a regular contributor to conservative blog WorldNetDaily.

Best Superhero: Superman, apparently. It's unclear why, as it seems like he's sort of a square and doesn't even have particular cool stuff, but if these bios are an accurate sample, everyone wants to be that guy!

Hometown where Britt is Least Likely to Be Willing to Live: Honestly? I can't pick. There's one guy from L.A. and a couple from Nashville, but...I feel like everyone else should probably just vote for Kaitlyn.

Job that is Most Likely to Come into Play During Night 1 Introductions: I'm looking at you Law-student-slash-exotic-dancer, Josh...

Job that I Hope Never Comes into Play in Any Way: This one goes to Shawn E. who claims to be an "Amateur Sex Coach" because...I guess...people from Canada can't work for the F.B.I.