Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I'll confess to actually watching the bios ABC helpfully posted on the website just because the first episode gave us so little to go on. I will also confess being ashamed about watching the bios - extra content is where I try to draw the line! For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.
Justin - SP: 60
Attraction (a): 5
Or it's possible she was just distracted by all the balloons. She'd get no judgment from me!
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 4
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| Are these fun balloons distracting you from how little I had to say about Justin??? |
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 3
We got only a moment of exposure to his helium-filled antics, and I would guess what actually happened was much worse than what we got to see, so the post-production crew is to thank for the low marks here. perhaps I'll look into sending them balloons - they did such a good job with a suspenseful preview package too!
Background (B): 0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2
Tanner - SP: 65
Attraction (a): 5
In Tanner's case, this is, at best, a proxy measure of attractiveness. Much as you can get a bead on motivation by looking at college application completion or can evaluate general happiness by looking at the size of the Canadian geese population in the area (a strong inverse correlation, that), we can only gauge Kaitlyn's attraction to Tanner by her feelings for Tanner lookalikes J.J., Ben H., and Chris.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 7
Again, maybe. Not that Vegas is using me for odds-making or anything, but obviously, I can't be trusted!
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 2
Though clearly the number would have been a lot higher had the Bachelorette been Britt. The fact that she, in no way, appreciated his gift that was a little bit mean and that poked a little fun sums up exactly why I wasn't too keen on her being the Bachelorette. Seriousness isn't the same as sincerity just as overcoming a personal tragedy doesn't automatically make someone ready for a wife. with the almost unbearable levels of earnestness that modulate this show, I'm not entirely sure I'd survive a Bachelorette is is all right reasons all the time too.
Background (B):0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
Even though I liked it, the Kleenex maneuver was a total manipulative, petty girl move. On the other hand, he could just have sisters.
Shawn B. - SP: 398
Attraction (a): 10
Whether she's driven by her butterflies, their mutual love at first sight, or just the fact that she's watched The Notebook 100 times while salivating along in her room, Kaitlyn is sweating Shawn B. And I feel like the new format really worked to make sure we were all sweating Shawn B. too. He was a perfect gentleman to Britt and yet he immediately made his intentions so clear that you almost couldn't help rooting for him to get his girl, as if that wasn't the very antithesis of the show. I feel like it's just going to make it that much harder when the first impression rose inevitably sends him home. Or when he dies of cancer in his long lost lover's arms (or whatever sick trip Nicholas Sparks has cooked up for him next....I have to admit, I have somehow missed quite a few of those books and movies).
| I could be wrong, but I assume what Shawn B. is saying here is "Megan has a very limited understanding of what happens in this movie..." |
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 10
The only question remaining is whether it will be a slow descent into dislikable douchebaggery or a trimphant rise to Bachelor glory.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 4
It's not that it's necessarily so embarrassing that he was thinking about a hug from Britt. I, myself, have devoted some thought to her hugs. For example, are they kind of smelly? Is it just the duration that makes them special or is she getting creative with her arms? If Britt could choose to sponsor a child with hugs or money, would she choose hugs? And would the sponsor child take advantage of her proximity to punch her in the face? There are many important questions to be pondered. I just needed a bit more specific from Shawn.
Background (B): 0
Oh my god, you guys. How can we be feeling so much for Shawn already when we know virtually nothing about the guy?!?!?!
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2
David - SP: 0
Attraction (a): 0
Well, we've come to the point in the blogging where I've recorded so little that I'm faced with no toher option but to just completely make something up. As we all know, Kaitlyn wasn't attracted enoguh to David to let him hang around, but we don't know why...
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
....
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 10
...You see, what we didn't see in the footage that aired was that when David got out of the limo, he actually made a beeline for Britt. He beheld her in all her ethereal resplendence and whispered "I've always had a fetish for mid-to-late eighties names." Not a deal breaker, Kaitlyn thought to herself. After all, Kaitlyn was once a chart topper in its own rights. But that was before David came to find her inside.
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| I think we all know which Tiffani this is...girl puts the unh in scrunchie |
Background (B): 10
"What I should have said," David explained, "Was that I've always had a fetish for girls with mid-to-late eighties names who have the potential to dot the i's in their names with little hearts." Kaitlyn looked confused so he continued on. "It goes way back to Valentine's Day in third grade where there were two Tiffany's in my class. Tiffany with a "y" and Tiffani with an "i". And Tiffani with an i was know for - " But Kaitlyn stopped him right there. She was noticing a pattern. And she had no time for guys who couldn't spell.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 10
But that, dear friends, is a story for another day.
Corey - SP: 40
Attraction (a): 7
On a scale of a polite tee hee to a full-on cackling guffaw, repeating Kaitlyn's joke rates considerably lower than coming up with your own dirty pun. So it speaks volumes about Corey's dimples that he elicited a legitimate laugh.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 1
Corey's night 1 strategizing is practically screaming for some tattling from a bight 2 generic desperate for a rose.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 4
Background (B): 2
Corey went to weird and unnecessary lengths to make sure we knew one thing about his background (unless we've got a Castaway scenario going on here, and Corey needed the volleyball to cyue him on his hijacked line), but all I have to say is...do we really live in a world where "competitive volleyball playing" is considered a more impressive occupation than farming?
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2
Which is several points lower that it would be if he was an Olympic volleyball player. Even the volleyball plyaers have a piece of tail squirreled away in the Olympic village.
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