Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I'll confess to actually watching the bios ABC helpfully posted on the website just because the first episode gave us so little to go on. I will also confess being ashamed about watching the bios - extra content is where I try to draw the line! For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.
Brady - SP: 0
Attraction (a): 0
So, the real question is at what level is Britt's attraction to him. Based on next to nothing, my guess is it's not that high. She may make a go of things with him just for lessening her embarrassment, but I don't think he was the guy in the room she really had her eye on. You do have to give the guy credit, though, for offering a veritable buffet of lady hot buttons, including music, athletics, and faith. Although he may have ruined some of his edgy alt-rock cred by quoting Good Will Hunting... Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 3
I actually sort of liked his 7th grade dance line, though it was a bit of a dick move given he had so clearly already decided on Britt. Of course, that certainly works to extend the metaphor as there are all sorts of dick moves when you're in the 7th grade.
Background (B): 4
His songs "marry pain and joy." I assume he means my pain that I have to listen to them and his that they are on TV. I give the marriage roughly the same chance as the standard Bachelor relationship.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
Which is weird because the cardinals' farm team is usually known for its jersey chasers.
Cory - SP: 9
Attraction (a): 5
According to my notes, there was a comment exchanged with Cory about eyes and smiles and something standing out. It's unclear in what direction this compliment was paid because I'm terrible at shorthand, but at the very least, some generic sparks flew (And if they were Kirkland generic sparks, I think we all know they were likely equally delightful if not superior to their brand name counterparts).
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 2
Probably because it's just not sustainable to have two Corey S's!
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Background (B): 1
Let's just hope he doesn't get sent home before we find out what happened to his E! It's probably something he'll only feel comfortable bringing up on a one-on-one date (a on-on-on dat?)
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 1
Ian - SP: 320
Attraction (a): 8
Though it really seems like the producers basically sprinkled Ian with magical attractiveness dust. They brought Ian out after pretty much demolishing Kaitlyn's self-confidence with a limo's worth of Britt men and allowed him to not-so-subtly whisper that he was there to save the day. There's no such thing as coincidence on this show, but it is hard to know if his lost boy tendencies awakened a producer's tinker bell fantasies of if it's yet another attempt to silence ongoing critiques about race.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 5
It may have been just what she needed on night 1, but something tells me Kaitlyn may soon sour on his eagerness if it persists.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Background (B): 8
Of all the Bachelor tragedies, personal injuries are the best because they allow you to demonstrate persistence through adversity without the same degree of lasting psychological damage. That being said, it really is a bummer that all Ian had to fall back on as a result of his broken dreams was a degree from Princeton.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
J.J. - SP: 148
Attraction (a): 5
While a number of the men had to backpedal after Britt's sudden departure, it seemed that J.J. was the king of the flip-floppers. He went from propositioning Kaitlyn with a bawdy joke to falling in love with and defending the honor of Britt back to the romantic "reset" button and the revelation of his daughter. That being said, he did say he was a former hockey player, so...he's probably good.
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| For those of you non-Hockey fans, this is Don Cherry. Really all you need to know about him is that he is the worst. |
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 3
Given Kaitlyn's history, I was with him until he also offered to "puck" Britt. Perhaps if he had suggested a three-way Flying V...
Background (B): 3
Fortunately, I assume his daughter is pretty much immune to all inappropriate hockey jokes after receiving the standard Canadian 6-month Don Cherry inoculation.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2
The standard baby mama bump.
Jared - SP: 700
Attraction (a): 7
Because what's sexier than honesty? (I know it read as rhetorical, but...the answer is actually Shawn B.). If I had been forced to draw a picture of Kaitlyn's "type" before the show started, though, for some reason, it would totally come out looking like Jared. (I am, however, ashamed to admit, I would not have had the incredible brilliance to depict him riding on a triceratops).
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| "Had I only been asked if I agreed to this...." |
I don't even really want to think about the impending "sex gate" and the slut shaming and whinging that will go with it, but I wouldn't be surprised if either the man who is her somehow blameless partner in crime or the one who is most devastated by it turns out to be Jared.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 9
Jared was actually in the first limo, but I mentally blocked that out so I wouldn't have to relive his stupid "love man" stunt. It lacked originality, commitment, and any sort of self-editing, and I don't even feel a little bad about downgrading him to limo 2 as a result.
Background (B): 1
And can I just say...no man is single because he "knows what he wants. Unless "what he wants" is to have sex with lots of different girls.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
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