Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I'll confess to actually watching the bios ABC helpfully posted on the website just because the first episode gave us so little to go on. I will also confess being ashamed about watching the bios - extra content is where I try to draw the line! For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.
Ryan M. - SP: 0
Attraction (a): 0
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| May every women you ever meet be blessed with this lingering mental image... |
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 2
And it was really the only non-embarrassing part of his day. From his groping of Kaitlyn to his falling out of the swimming pool, Ryan got drunk enough to take on all the greats: Jordan and her graceful wall-twerking; Victoria anmd her sobbing in a bathroom stall; even Ed and his...daily life decisions couldn't hold a candle to Ryan M. I think (and here are words I never thought I'd say), that he might have even been too drunk for Bachelor in Paradise. And that, my friends, is saying something. Because Chris Harrison typically isn't the tupe of guy to take someone out on a reality TV show and never call him again.
Background (B): 0
But in fairness, Ryan probably doesn't remember that much about it anyway.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
Ditto
Brad - SP: 0
Attraction (a): 0
Usually there are a few guys who go home on night one who seem to be attractive and relatively normal. Guys who are clearly better choices than the boorish producer plants or dark-haired doppelgangers who won't be allowed to talk before making their hasty exists on night three, long before they get the chance to get a stamp in their passport. But give that the choice inevitably seems to be between Column A and....a column that looks, sounds, and acts nearly identical to Column A (both Ionic, both capable of supporting buildings), part of me will always wonder, did Bradley just say something really offensive that didn't get captured on film?
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 5
...Or maybe it was that stupid tennis pun. Kaitlyn likes her puns like she likes her Harrys...dirty. (Full disclosure: Kaitlyn and I have never actually had an in-depth conversation about her preference in Harrys. I'm taking some liberties here).
Background (B): 0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
Maybe what he whispered off camera was "I met this girl at the hotel last night, and, I know it's a long shot - she lives in L.A. and I live in Poughkeepsie, but..." I feel certain that Kaitlyn would understand.
Daniel - SP: 12
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| Why, yes. This entire post is just an excuse to use this picture. |
Attraction (a): 3
Daniel got through on dance moves alone, and while there are stupider reasons to make a night one pick, I don't expect to see Daniel hang around for too long - unless he busts out the 90s moves with quickness.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 2
Not enough time spent practicing M.C. Hammer's patented "typewriter," I suspect.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 2
His uncertainty on which girl to dance up on was later highlighted by him stressing that there was "no wrong choice" in the vote. There was a wrong choice...and it was not bringing along a mini boombox.
Background (B): 0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
Josh - SP: 0
Attraction (a): 0
Did anyone else gain a little bit of respect for Kaitlyn when she said that Josh was all Britt's? Not that I think that most women are just dying for a handsome boyfriend-cum-stripper to come and sweep them off their feet...Or that I really want to judge Josh for being a stripper per se (okay, I totally do. But I'm also judging a random metro passenger for incorrectly completing the Express sudoku right now, so I think it's safe to say that my judgmental nature is more of a me problem than it is about Josh). My problem is, he just took such obvious pride in it - sort of like the pride someone might take in, say, finishing law school - that is just made it sort of hard to take him seriously. It's not that stripping is necessarily a shameful and dirty profession, but it does seem like, when you know it's not your permanent gig (and when you mostly only have to do it for women rather than pervy old men), it's much easier to ignore the aspects of it that are inarguably demeaning.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
And he should thank her for it. Was his master plan really to study for the bar while trapped in a house with 18 drunken men?
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 10
I know the "In the Moments" are filmed later, but...could Kaitlyn really tell Josh was a stripper just from the way he moved his hips? Because if that's a thing, then...I'm pretty sure I owe a number of gentlemen some singles...
Background (B): 5
Though the real letdown here is that he failed to share his stripper name. There are so many options to choose from: Al Imony...Juris Dicktion...Amicus Curious...really the hard part for Josh must be putting the kibosh on this excellent distraction so he can focus on, you know, studying the law...
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
Joe - SP: 245
Attraction (a): 7
Joe was really set up to look amazing among the dregs of Limo 3, and it seemed like Kaitlyn dug it, at least a bit. Or, as an equally plausible alternative, she was experiencing some temporary blindness from the moonshine he shared and decided she'd better at least fake giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 7
He also gets my nod for the guy most likely to fall too hard too fast. (Not to be confused with the guy who goes too far too fast. Kentucky is known, above all, for its gentlemen! Well, and its Bourbon. Its Bourbon and its gentlemen. And its Derby...at which you can find innumerable Bourbon-drinking gentlemen!)
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Background (B): 5
I won't say anything more about it. I'm sure I've already impressed you enough with my extensive knowledge of Kentucky!
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
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