Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I'll confess to actually watching the bios ABC helpfully posted on the website just because the first episode gave us so little to go on. I will also confess being ashamed about watching the bios - extra content is where I try to draw the line! For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.
Tony - SP: 45
Attraction (a): 5
So...I gotta say. I don't get Tony. It's not that I don't get who he's claiming to be. I've known plenty of guys who are aggressively into yoga and meditation and spiritual connections that can only be sustained through the laying of hands. But none of those guys want to be on reality TV. I get that we're supposed to find Tony amusing with his over-the-top devotion to "touch" and letting the rose boxes speak to him. But I'm just not a fan of giving hypocrisy a megaphone, of letting someone be a mouthpiece for values he doesn't truly espouse himself. I'd much rather give him another black eye. But he's cute, and Kaitlyn probably didn't spend too much time talking to him, so...hockey hair for the win!
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 1
And I'm guessing his departure will be accompanied by no small degree of existential angst.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 8
So...this was actually hilarious. It's one thing to give each girl a variation on the same riff, but to tell them the exact same thing really shows off his arrogance, his self-centeredness, and his misappropriation of a completely valid worldview. This was my favorite moment of the night for Britt...though she did, disappointingly find time to validate him later.
Background (B): 2
Perhaps the worst part of Tony is that I'm pretty sure he's a physical therapist. Which is a real job! That helps people! Invalidating yourself by claiming to be a healer is, in no way, necessary to doing the work that you do.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
Black eye had to come from somewhere...
Shawn E. - SP: 0
Attraction (a): 0
There's a lot to say about Shawn E., and we'll certainly get into it, but...it was pretty apparent he wasn't going to be sticking around for long when Kaitlyn noted that she loved that "someone" showed up in a car pool.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 10
In fairness, this obviously wasn't entirely his fault. Ryan M.'s heckling was uncalled for and pretty hard to deal with with any grace, but if even we removed Ryan and/or somehow removed alcohol from the scenario (which you have to think might have some unintended consequences...like all the other men going home too), Shawn E. somehow took the totally reasonable concept of a car pool (if by reasonable you mean, relatively staid considering some other guy drove up in cupcake) and made it...kind of uncomfortable. Clearly at least some level of thought had to go into the procurement of this vehicle. It to be communicated to the producers and minimally, I imagine some light googling was involved. So why, in all that planning, did it never occur to Shawn E. that while a suit would be funny while in the car, upon disembarking, there would be...some clinging. And how is it possible that "I was afraid some of the other guys might pee in our hot tub" was what he chose as a winning
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| "Some guy chirping at him" was not the only angle of this entrance that Shawn E. failed to think through... |
Background (B): 10
I have to admit, when I first saw that Shawn E. referred to himself as an "amateur sex coach" in the bios, I had a lot of feelings. One of the feelings was excessively creeped out, imagining that this was a line that this was a service he offered up to innocent bar-going girls. But one was mildly amused that he had at least come up with a creative stand-in for "unemployed" and one was curious to see if he would offer any pointers to the other guys or Chris Harrison. But once I actually saw Shawn's discussion with Britt, all those feelings were immediately replaced by a single emotion. And I felt very, very sad. Because not only is "amateur sex coach" not a real job, but its not even a skill he seems to be putting to any kind of personal use. Shawn E. has chosen to introduce himself to America by just telling us all he watches lots and lots of porn.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
Which is hard to believe with all of his promises of bowel safety...
Chris - SP: 360
Attraction (a): 9
I gotta say, first impression-wise, I was not expecting Kaitlyn to be that into Chris, but then they both went all moony and smiley over each other, and the attraction number climbed. I would not have put money on Chris being the first guy to go in for a smooch, but I guess he does specialize in oral exams...(and yes, I am sorry about the terrible dentist joke, but...if he gets to make multiple cupcake jokes than it only seems fair!)
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| This is clearly the universally- recognized and accessible cupcake. |
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 4
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 8
If you must adorn your entrance with a fancy vehicle or clever joke (and I am quite certain that nowhere in the rules is it written that you must. Many a gentleman has found that a friendly smile and a firm handshake will more than suffice), then I feel very strongly that it should be a vehicle or joke that has at a bare minimum something to do with anything relating to your life. It's not that cupcakes aren't delicious. I think we can all agree that they are. But there are many delicious things in life that don't need to be turned into a car and than conscripted into the service of making a first impression. Otherwise, we'd have way more people arriving for job interviews in hatchback Swedish fish.
Background (B):2
And why, specifically, was it a cupcake adorned with candy corn? Where is the market for that? Were they out of cupcake cars with plain old sprinkles? Does Chris have a particular affection for Halloween?
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
Joshua - SP: 128
Attraction (a): 8
Which is the correct level at which she should be attracted. Joshua is pretty adorable.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 2
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
I liked pretty much everything about Joshua, including the fact that he saved his welding-is-just-like-love metaphor for off screen.
Background (B): 8
All that being said...is there something a little bit insulting about setting Kaitlyn up with a guy who's essentially just a welder-version of Chris. Small town, sweet, and of good values, it seems a little bit like they're offering up a consolation prize. And that doesn't necessarily seem like the best way to ensure that she's over Chris. Although maybe if they could set up - just hear me out here - some sort of a relay race perhaps with a subtle farm theme....
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
Ben Z. - SP: 158
Attraction (a): 4
This is, of course, a guess. There is no videographic evidence that these two actually even met.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 4
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Background (B): 10
So there's a lot that I would like to say here. For example, I would like to highlight that Ben Z. chooses to hold up his NFL tryout as proof that he has accomplished a lot. I would like to really dive into the fact that he makes no mention of actually playing on an NFL team, that he is essentially citing his indisputable failure as proof of your success. But...given that he also gave us the history of his mom dying...I really cannot.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2
Nick - SP: ????
Attraction (a): ???
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 10
Background (B): 10
So, I'm sad to admit that there are a number of things I remember about Nick. Like he has a lot of siblings and a surprisingly hot mom and an adorable cheeky sister who's just waiting to age into a reality career of her own. But the main thing that I remember, the main thing that everyone remembers except for seemingly Kaitlyn is how he called Andi out on having sex with him on national TV. Or she remembers and, much like most girls, chooses to judge Andi instead of taking a closer look at the gross decisions of the guy. Either way, I'm not really looking forward to his return and will probably have to do some thesaurusing of the word "angry" so that I can properly prepare myself for the necessary blogs.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
It seems, instead, he's been preoccupying himself with regularly giving Chris Harrison a ring when he feels lonely at night.
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