Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I'll confess to actually watching the bios ABC helpfully posted on the website just because the first episode gave us so little to go on. I will also confess being ashamed about watching the bios - extra content is where I try to draw the line! For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.
Ben H. - SP: 142
Attraction (a): 7
Things started out rocky for young Benjamin what with his whole involuntary decision to lose the power of speech when first beholding Britt (otherwise known as "the Chris"), but he soon righted the ship. Who knew asking about her tattoos was to Kaitlyn as bearing a strong resemblance to his mother is to a serial killer? (I just felt it was the wisest course to start the year out with a dark, dark SAT analogy. I know you'll all agree I was right).
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 7
You know...maybe? The editors really seemed to be attempting to stymie our predictive powers this year through the use of artful lighting and lots and lots of backs of heads. Also, you'd be hard pressed to prove to me that Ben H., Tanner, J.J., Chris, and maybe two or three more guys didn't grow up as stand-ins for each other playing the same character on some program airing on T.G.I.F. (Just as I'd be hard pressed to convince all of you that I don't make some derivation of this exact same joke every year!)
 |
| I just wanted to ensure that mine were not the only nightmares that this haunts... |
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Background (B): 3
Well, he sponsored a child, so....what else could we possibly need to know? The only redeeming feature on his excessive focus on Sally Struthers' second career was that it presented a clear opportunity to highlight Britt's obvious discomfort focusing on a topic she had only mentioned in passing in a weak effort to justify her good personhood to the frothing mass of women telling all.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
He did say that his beloved sponsor child was nearly 18....
Jonathan - SP: 15
Attraction (a): 2
You sorta have to feel like some of the strong pro-Britt guys got ushered onto the season at the producers' behest. Though it is important to note that no matter how much arm twisting went on, he still rated more highly than the creepy, amateur sex guy.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 2
We're looking at maybe two episodes before Kaitlyn graciously decided she can't possibly keep him from his son.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Background (B): 5
The aforementioned son is absolutely adorable. That being said, even an adorable son is no excuse for defaming the sacred words "partner in life" which should be reserved for the Bachelorette.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
If not back home, then at least in his heart. And her name is Britt.
Clint - SP: 70
Attraction (a): 5
It's possible that I might be a little bit attracted to Clint after seeing his Chris Harrison masterwork an hearing him say it was his "duty to spread the word" after witnessing Kaitlyn's kiss with Chris. I have no clue how Kaitlyn feels, so I'm somewhat randomly projecting.
 |
| For example, I could never find true love with a man whose favorite dinosaur was this. |
Although this should be taken with a grain of salt. Either a lot of the footage was from the same night or Clint really likes suspenders.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Background (B): 2
not a lot, but it's important to find out a man's favorite dinosaur right off the bat. How else do you know if you're compatible.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
Because if he did, surely he'd have better things to do than draw pictures of Chris Harrison. And then maybe he'd also find some time to tell me exactly what those better things are...because I'm coming up empty on my list!
Ryan B. - SP: 6
Attraction (a): 2
You know how, when you were growing up and there were two kids in your class with the same name (let's call them John for no particular reason, especially not ones related to my own personal experience) they were each known by certain characteristics? Like John R. was known for really liking legos and John G. was best recalled by, just, you know, off the top of my head, the uncanny resemblance he bore to a sperm? You know, typical stuff like that. Stuff that's not at all connected to any particular person from my childhood. Well, anyway, here it feels like Ryan M. took all of the things - the drunkenness, the loudness, the sexual harassment - and there just wasn't anything left for Ryan B.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 3
Apparently when I watched the episode I had some knowledge of Ryan's face, knowledge that has since waned. While probably not a major source of sadness in Ryan's life, I would totally remember him better if he looked like a giant sperm.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 1
So, the only thing I wrote down about Ryan was that he called Britt a Disney princess. I can't WAIT to see his Kardashley-style meltdown when someone else gets chosen to accompany Kaitlyn on the princess-themed date/advertisement for Disney's latest summer flick.
Background (B): 0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
Pretty sure Ryan M. has dibs on this unattractive attribute as well.
Kupah - SP: 9
 |
| If you're going to utterly demean women, it's best to look like this...you know, just for the safety of your chin pube region. |
Attraction (a): 3
Whatever level Kaitlyn is at now, I'm sure it will see a sharp decline when she hears Kupah's disgusting trophy wife comment. If Britt is trophy wife material, and Kaitlyn is (shudder) regular wife material, then he is material for having me forcibly and painfully remove his gross chin pubes with a pair of rusty tweezers.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 1
Mercifully.
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 3
The default level of embarrassment necessitate by his chin pubes. Did I mention I'm not a fan of Kupah?
Background (B): 0
Though it perhaps included some plastic surgery as I am still just so baffled that any man under the age of 50 would admit the desire for a "trophy wife."
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
No comments:
Post a Comment