Week 6, The Scores

Since this episode was all about honesty and the foundation on which all lasting relationships must be built, I just wanted to say, I trust you all. Now can you please submit a urine sample, just cause, you know, it seems like it might be fun? One more week until hometowns when Andi gets to decide who else she'd like to treat as poorly as Cody. This week we learned that Andi has never tried so hard at anything in her life, a fact for which I'm sure any gang member she's ever failed to put behind bars thanks her. We also learned that, while Venice may be one of the most beautiful and romantic places on earth, it's still pretty much impossible to find three different activities to do there, leaving lie detector tests as the only natural choice for the remainder of the program. I know that the men aren't actually confined to the hotel room while Andi is off on other dates (although, the show weirdly make it seem like that - like there's a burly security guard posted outside their date ensuring that they don't accidentally absorb any culture and preventing them from ordering anything outside of a cheeseburger and pizza from room service. His name is almost definitely Jonesie and he only has two more seasons to go before he gets his pension. Bad news, Jonesie - you're going to have make it through Bachelor in Paradise without contracting some sort of air-born STD/being murdered in your sleep by the overloaded craziness combo of Clare and AshLee). Let's see how many lies I have to tell to convince you of my love for this episode.

	Brian – 25 Important Info: Brian pretty much got straight up lawyered by Andi during his fake lie detector test, and he's lucky that the whole thing clearly left Andi feeling pretty smitten because otherwise it seems like she couldn't have possibly have failed to notice that he 100% ripped that poem off from Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You. +10 for "writing" Andi a poem +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose
	Chris – 60 Important Info: If I had the power to save one man from this taking part in this year's installation of this miserable franchise, it would decidedly be Chris. Chris, as seen on TV, seems reasonable and caring and sweet. Is it any wonder I'm having an impossible time writing words about him? +10 for kissing on a group date +20 for a group rose Bonus: +30 for revealing he is the secret admirer
	Cody – 45 Eliminated Important Info: If Cody felt like the pet dog of the group it's clearly just because he had a shocking sense of self-awareness. Andi isn't the perfect Bachelorette. She plays the "poor me" card a bit too much when she has to send guys packing; she reverts to the same stock conversations that have populated Bachelor footage since the dawn of time (though naturally, at the dawn of time, there were a few more evolutionary clues as to which organism a girl should ultimately select and a bit more of an emphasis on asexual reproduction in the fantasy suite), and she inexplicably seems to like Nick even though there's no discernible reason why she possibly would. But Andi's treatment of Cody was the first thing she has done this season that was truly just kind of icky. I'm not saying that she's the first girl who's ever kept a guy on the hook knowing full well she preferred his romantic attentions unspoken and unrequited. But the way she raved about his green eyes, made him read a rather obviously targeted letter clearly penned by one of the interns waiting just off camera in the wings, and then waited until halfway through his speech about how much he loved her before acting like there was anything amiss. And then to top it all off she made it seem like he was stupid for feeling a connection where clearly one could never exist. Obviously, I know that producers sometimes play a role in these sorts of decisions and that they might have had a hand in keeping Cody around after last week's tussle with Nick, but someone needs to tell Andi that she can only have a puppy if she promises to take care of it. And she 100% did not take care of Cody. +10 for being called the perfect person for his date...I assume because he is literate +5 for crying +10 for writing Andi a letter +10 for referencing his connection with Andi - sadly erroneously Bonus: +10 for having Andi really go out of her way not to comment on his attractiveness
	Dylan – 10 Important Info: Dylan's tummy hurts! +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for admitting he doesn't wash his hands. Seriously, if Andi thinks that level of honesty is necessary for relationship bliss, then I'm afraid none of us can help her.
	J.J. – 25 Eliminated Important Info: So...what the hell happened with all of this? I have to be honest, I was 100% convinced that Dylan was going home after he bowed out of the group date and also wasn't Josh, Nick, Brian, Marcus, or J.J. If Vegas made odds on programs such as this (and they don't because apparently this woman's quest for love is literally less worthy of betting than watching small, hairless dogs that require sweaters to brave the elements run around in circles), they would have been 100:1 against J.J. going home (I guess - I don't really understand how love works). I would actually really like to know what happened to take J.J. from making Andi feel the special-est last week to seeing him barred from Brussel's bliss only seven short days later. If I was forced to guess I would say his unconventional manliness finally ran up against Andi's Southern upbringing, but since I can't see anyone coming for me with a night stick in hand, demanding an explanation for a program on which internet rumors abound, I shall eat myself a donut instead. +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +15 for his general petulance over Chris getting the date rose. Don't get me wrong - I understand the premise of the show, but....how can you not be rooting for Chris? What's wrong with you!
	Josh – 20 Important Info: Look, Josh was justifiably pissed about being forced to submit to a lie detector test which was a very weird thing to have to do and a waste of a perfectly good country. That being said, does anyone actually think Andi plans the dates? I'm mean, she ripped up the results - what else could she possibly do? +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for throwing a tantrum
	Marcus – 25 Important Info:  Dear Marcus,   If you don't have anything interesting to say, perhaps don't say anything at all?   Thanks every so much, Megan P.S. The thirteenth derivation of the extent to which you are currently or will soon be in love with Andi in no ways qualifies as interesting. +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for ex post facto threatening to leave. Just another flavor of Marcus' continued weak sauce.
	Nick V. – 80 Important Info: Nick is yet another in a long line of Bachelor villains who, as far as I can tell, hasn't actually done anything that is all that bad. Does he have a smug, punchable face? Certainly! But that's not really his fault - he and his DNA really only have one way communication. Nick's a little bit smarmy and he's certainly ridden his skepticism about the Bachelorette process all the way to the top, but, let's face it, his biggest crime is clearly wasting our time dealing with the dullest form of drama when we should be finding about J.J.'s secret furry fetish that got him sent packing instead of Dylan.  +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for having Andi comment on his attractiveness +15 for saying he's falling in love +10 for making his date into a metaphor +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose Bonus: +5 for stealing Andi away before others WITHOUT ROSES have a chance

Week 5, The Scores

	Andrew – 20 Eliminated Important Info: Say what you want about Andrew, but he definitely did get bullied. Now, I'm not saying there wasn't a fair amount of karma involved... +10 for complaining about not getting a 1-on-1 Bonus: +10 for casually bragging about spending time in San Tropez and Monaco.
	Brian – 35 Important Info: There's so much to like about Brian and, in a normal setting he'd totally be the guy I'd want to set up with my sister or that really nice girl from work who's always bringing in baked goods and complimenting strangers on their outfits. But let's face it, competitive dating is clearly not a setting in which he is primed to thrive. As glad as I am that Andi decided to let him stay, it does make it just a little bit harder to believe in the "process' when the Bachelorette refuses to send anyone home after a one-on-one date. +10 for Andi saying he is the perfect person for his particular date (and +0 for the extent to which she rapidly regretted saying it) +5 for kissing on a date +20 for a date rose
	Chris – 35 Important Info: Andi claimed she didn't want to participate in the drama, but she felt like she had to after a date that was all about communication. Assuming for a moment that the crux of her logic isn't terribly flawed, I'm pretty sure miming is about 1) The French further attempting to alienate the rest of the world, 2) Providing fodder for Saturday morning cartoon shows (and speaking of which, remember when we were in junior high/high school and Looney Tunes experienced a sudden resurgence in fame and popularity? There was a WB story and entire lines of sports apparel emblazoned with their image. I'm sure there have been detailed economic studies of this incomparable phenomenon, but as the Lebron vs. Jordan debate rages on for the next twenty odd years, it's important not to discount the role Space Jam undoubtedly played in the revival of those plucky, speech impediment-riddled cartoon characters. Lebron might be a better perimeter shooter but Michael Jordan was a job creator); and 3) Terrifying small children. It is not about communication. That being said, she certainly used it - alongside implied promises of their future marriage - as an excuse to browbeat Chris into tattling on Nick. Remember this when Chris gets sent home - no good can come of tattling on the frontrunner. +30 for tattling, despite the fact that he was obviously forced by Andi's manipulations. I hope he saw that as the chilling glimpse into the future that it undoubtedly is. +5 for a rose
	Cody – 40 Important Info: Though my first impressions of Cody were that he was a juiced up Nick 2.0, he actually does seem kind of sweet. And at this point, Andi is kind of doing him a disservice by keeping him there. He is so far up in the friend zone that the Girl Scouts wrote a song about him and yet Andi keeps him around because he is nice and he is safe. Either that or the producers are planning to use him to tear Nick limb from limb, in which case, please, carry on. +30 for tattling +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for saying, "Mime on my money and my money on my mime." Somebody had to say it.
	Dylan – 5 Important Info: Oh Dylan. When Dylan is gone, I shall choose to remember him as saying mimes "use their hands and do activities." I don't think I've ever loved Dylan as much as I did just then.  +5 for a rose
	J.J. – 45 Important Info: J.J. is the serpent in the Garden of Eden (a Garden of Eden where, obviously, innocence does not reign). There has seriously been very little drama this year that didn't have him whispering in the background, pulling the manlier strings of suitors like Josh and and Marquel. I know a lot of you are J.J. fans, but I challenge any of you to prove he hasn't stitched some sort of fuzzy, day-glo mind control device into the lining of the other gentlemen's pants. +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +15 for tattling on Andrew...we've been down this road before...
	Josh – 85 Important Info: I'm not saying Josh M. sucks because he was a second round pick out of 54 rounds. Probably because no one has ever said that about anyone ever. It's not a thing. But between the way he forced that into the conversation so unnaturally and his highly suspect assurance that he could go back to playing if he wanted to, does anyone else feel like Bruce Springsteen needs to write a song about this guy immediately? +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +10 for revealing a personal tragedy of his girlfriend cheating on him +15 for repeating plugging his currently non-existent sports career +10 for being treated to a concert by a band I've never heard of (though for a split second I thought they said Ben Folds and was ready to be super shocked) +5 for kissing in a date setting +20 for a date rose
	Marcus – 15 Important Info: I was already not entirely on board with the whole Marcus thing, but the fact that he's now decided to replace anything even approaching meaningful conversation with repeated confessions of his over-eager love has left me anxiously awaiting his depature. And not the kind of anxious that he was pathetically trying to mime - pretty sure that effort translated better into "eating a sandwich." +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose
	Marquel – 25 Eliminated Important Info: I'm not the only one who thinks Marquel has a shot at being the next Bachelor. Marquel thinks so too. his exit interview was basically a tearful audition tape. But I wouldn't be too upset if his claim that he was a believer in love again catapulted him into the poorly-received shoes of Il Bachelore that came before him. +10 for crying twice Bonus: +15 for dealing with the whole Andrew situation is the classiest way possible...you know, minus that time when he decided to come on this show
	Nick V. – 25 Important Info: A poem by Nick: Are you upset with me? I hope not. But if so, you'll see I keep this poem in my pocket Because it's cheaper than a locket. I use it in cases of emergency That must be handled with some urgency So while it may seem I'm trying to distract you, I swear I'm just trying to attract you. I love you baby - you're my world.* * Optional - not to be used before Week 6 +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for whipping out a poem - I thought I was on board for anything that preventing Andi from continuing to call him "salty." I was incorrect.
	Patrick – 15 Eliminated Important Info: Patrick was hilarious in this episode and now it seems he is gone from us too soon. You're right, Patrick. Gentlemen aren't arrogant. And your mother does think you'll make some girl a very special husband some day.  Bonus: +10 for saying that multiple people think that he has qualities paramount to being a husband +5 for stressing that is was not just girls as if that somehow...lended validity.

Week 5, The Nonsense

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but...there was not enough Helen Mirren in this week's episode of The Bachelorette (which, by the way, they can say all they want about how the movie they were schilling is about love and passion and the inextricable link between our five senses and the senses of the heart, but it, like every other Helen Mirren vehicle, is actually about how it is possible that Helen Mirren looks that unbelievably good at the age of 69. That's the plot of Calendar Girls, it's the plot of Red, and it's the plot of The Queen. In fact, the plot of Downton Abbey is pretty much just about how Helen Mirren is too much a marvel of modern healthy living to be plausible in a period piece - a point which still remains damn worth making even after four seasons). But then again, as Maggie has already pointed out, there wasn't enough of a lot of things in this episode as jet lag and petulance contributed mightily to a growing sense of midseason fatigue. Nonetheless with no hiatus to look forward to next week, we press on with my collection of scattered and not-at-all poignant thoughts (I wore myself out with the whole Helen Mirren schtick):

Despite having no iris, Bert's eyes still manage to look more
soulful, less dead than our good buddy C.H.

- I'm glad to see that Juan Pablo didn't forever ruin Chris Harrison's ability to pretend to put in some modicum of effort for his exorbitant paycheck. It was nice to see him this week, especially since his version of Euro casual was a particularly aggressive-looking knitting catalog insert. The sympathy hives I broke out in while watching were worth it just to say I was there when Chris Harrison joined Samuel L. Jackson, that one guy from One Direction, and Bert from Sesame Street in the elite club of men who wear turtlenecks.
- The Bachelorette finally decided to admit it wasn't color-blind this week and, unsurprising failed to advance the civil rights movement in its first foray into this admittedly rather charged topic. In some ways, Marquel seems to be the perfect spokesperson for race on this show. He dealt with the whole thing with honesty and aplomb, and I really enjoyed watching the whitest of the white boys line up to pay their respects for how he executed his calm attack. That being said, while referring to someone as "blackie" is offensive and abhorrent, I couldn't help noticing that everyone glossed over the much likelier possibility that Andrew actually said "black guys"...which, if we're being honest really isn't that much better. For a show that's eager to place accusations of racism behind it, it remains unwilling to confront the reality that including a handful of minorities on each season and letting them hang around for four or five shows isn't the solution. I'm disappointed in what happened with Marquel because he and Andi seemed to have good chemistry and fun flirtation and yet he still go sent packing in a week where the wooden Dylan and awkward Brian got to stay around and continue wooing. And it just made the show's recently implemented quota system that much more apparent. I don't know what the solution is outside of a mea culpa that ABC is clearly not ready to offer or the recruitment of a bachelor or bachelorette who really is attracted to all races and creeds. But I'm willing to bet that the producers played a part in making sure the debate focused solely on the improbably offensive term because Andrew pointing out that she kept the "black guys" around plays much differently than a racial slur. And Andrew's not the only one to blame.

Marquel Marqueau -
Oh that's right. I just made a
mime joke.

- And on a related note, the miming date was actually pretty adorable and I could completely understand Andi falling a little bit more in love with a number of the guys, but....did anyone else experience a moment of horror where they thought, on top of everything he was already dealing with, Marquel might be forced into white face?
- So, as each day passes, it becomes more and more obvious that Josh is probably going to win. Even without what's happening on the show, Josh and his family are apparently Atlanta football royalty and it seems pretty unlikely that Andi wouldn't have already known who he is (and perhaps kept a scrapbook of his newspaper clippings and athletic accomplishments like I definitely didn't do for a certain member of 1999-2000 Gopher Men's Basketball team). On the show, though, things are pclearly progressing as well as is shown by the breakthrough deep conversation they finally had this week. I believe it went a little something like this:

Freakishly tall and ridiculously
corn-fed used to do it for me.
What can I say?

   Andi: Yeah, I thought you were a dirtbag athlete who probably slept around a lot
   Josh: My ex-girlfriend thought so too. In fact, she thought it so hard that she actually went and made out with someone else.
   Andi: That is appalling and in no way directly parallel to what I am doing to you right now.
Now, I'm not saying that all deep conversations need to focus on peac in the Middle East or Raskolnikov's motives or every how the color that you see as blue might be totally different than the way that I'm perceiving it, but I still don't really think a re-hash of the exact same conversation that happens on every episode of The Bachelorette ever really qualifies.
- And finally, if any of you weren't already certain that I wouldn't make it on The Bachelor, the revelation that the cocktail parties sometimes start at 11:20 was the nail in the coffin of my dreams (the acerbic but still funny and cool English professor to my mixed metaphor). I sometimes don't even watch the show because it's on so late - partaking in its activities would clearly interfere with my bedtime.

Comment dites-vous ‘ennuyez’?

I’m bored with this seasonzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... *ahem* During last night’s episode, I only half paid attention – the rest of it was diverted by checking email, showering, breaking up cat fights (literally, cat fights between my two cats, who sometimes have dominance issues), and online bathing suit shopping (if anyone has tips on cute, relatively inexpensive bikinis with bottoms that stay put, let me know). I’m sure our fine commissioner Megan has some lovely blogs planned for this week, but in case you are like me and can barely stay interested during the show, or pine for the days of shirtless drunk men lounging by the pool and getting into bro fights over whose pecs are bigger, below is a quick recap in pictures. Why? Saves time. The brain processes visuals 60,000 faster than text, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go.

Apparently, Andi is in love with multiple people:

Josh and Andi go on a one-on-one, where they sucked face a lot and a bird pooped on Josh:

Andi starred her own cheesy Suave commercial with featured guests Des and Catherine (whose hair still looked like crap from their commercials).

A mime group date horrifies the people of Marseilles. This captures the sentiment perfectly:

Andi finds out on her one-on-one with Brian that he is petrified of cooking, to the point where he barely talks to her in the kitchen:

Andi is bored, skips the cocktail party, and clear cuts 3 guys, including Chris Bukowski-wannabe lookalike Andrew, Cookie Monster Marquel, and “Lots of people -- "not just girls" -- say I have all the "qualities" one looks for in a husband” Patrick. Peace out, homies.

They also kept plugging Rising Wall, a new ABC show which basically looks like every other voice talent show ever, except they created a 2-ton, gazillion foot wall to raise and lower behind contestants based on their vote, so I’m sure at some point it’s going to experience a mechanical failure and come crashing down on Ke$ha (one of the judges). Just fyi.

Photos courtesy of the Interwebs.

Week 3, The Scores

The long awaited scores from last week - big thanks to Maggie for keeping us all entertained in the face of my delinquency. Hopefully I haven't caused too many sleepless nights as you've all been waiting to learn where you stand. Although I wouldn't be shocked to learn that the gentlemens' epic singing prowess haunted your dreams

	Andrew – 30 Important Info: So, Andrew's a dick, right? I mean, I don't really care about the whole getting the hostess's number. He's dating a girl who's literally seeing 20 other dudes - I feel like one set of digits can be excused and the way that J.J. waited a week (which I initially, Freudian-ly typed as "weak") and then essentially called in his big brother Josh was pretty weak sauce. That being said, his reaction to their attack which include the line, "I like to give people the beenfit of the doubt and I don't worry if you're a dork or an asshole or nerdy," left me feeling every bit as certain that he's not the most delightful of men as I am about his inability to correctly enact the phrase "benefit of the doubt." +10 for questioning if Nick is there for the right reasons +10 for 2 roses Bonus: +20 for getting someone's number
	Bradley – 25 Eliminated Important Info: Bradley is basically a caricature of the preppy villain from every National Lampoon villain ever and yet, I feel he is gone from us too soon. Will I miss his constant, aggressive opera singing and his smug, insufferable face? No, but during his exit interview, Bradley said he "loved to be loved" and I feel like, in time, he was really the kind of guy who I could have loved to hate.  +25 for plugging his career harder than any career has ever been plugged
	Brett – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Not the way I would have chosen for you to go out buddy. Surely, Brett must have engaged in some sort of ukulele- playing or homemade pickling that simply happened off-screen.
	Brian – 50 Important Info: Okay, I have to say, when it comes to Brian, I get it. It is undeniably attractive to watch men do things that they excel at (unless you're a creationist - because it really is Charles Darwin backing this theory up) and Brian not only got to do that this week, he did it while generally being adorable. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness (a lot) +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose
	Chris – 10 Important Info: Too bad she's already married, because otherwise I'd be all about setting Chris up with Renee. How cute was it to watch him play Den mom to poor, devastated Dylan (and how much more appropriate was his reaction than Andi's). In my head, I've decided that he had a private word with Andi in the first of the week's episodes to ensure that Dylan got himself a one-on-one date in the second (especially since, let's be real. Andi's just not that perceptive). He's totally going to get pushed out by his flashier, more demonstrative peers, but I'm a pretty big fan +10 for 2 date roses
	Cody – 25 Important Info: It's hard to remember the first time I played a prank on my husband. It might have been the time I told him I lived with my parents, or the time I hid haddock with the spare tire in teh trunk of his car. Or perhaps it was the time I covered him in body glitter as he slept then woke him up by waving a tassled bra in his face and screeching about a stripper. Except for that I didn't do any of those things because that would be super crazy. It might be nice that Andi's thinking about him as Cody claimed, but I guarantee those thoughts aren't trending toward the romantic.   +10 for having Andi pull a prank on him +10 for 2 roses Bonus: +5 for saying, "Whatever happens, this is an awesome experience." Seriously Cody, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. That's basically what people say to their bunkmate on the verge of going into battle.
	Dylan – 60 Important Info: Poor Dylan. It was inarguably an ill-timed, cringingly explained pity rose. And it's just so blatantly clear that Dylan's not going to be the man left standing at the end. While it's hard to imagine a graceful way in which Andi could have sent him packing, it's basically a cruelty to keep him from the women of Boston who, I assure you, are clamoring to mother him slash run their fingers through his greasy, greasy hair.  +5 for a rose +5 for crying +30 for all of the personal tragedy in the world +20 for a date rose
	Eric – 125 Eliminated-ish Important Info: Can we just say he was right and she was wrong and move on? One of my favorite former students once angrily yelled "I DO NOT HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS" across a crowded cafeteria. Andi said, "I respect your openness" in the exact same way. +5 for a rose +10 for revealing he was raised Mormon which isn't a tragedy per se, but seriously, what is with all the Mormon's on this show? +100 for being kicked off the show outside of game play Bonus: +10 for calling Andi a TV actress. That was amazing. And I'm sure very, very true
	J.J. – 95 Important Info: So, yes, portions of JJ and Andi's old age makeup date were pretty darling. Despite the fact that they clearly aged Andi considerably less, JJ really did make the best out of what was inarguably an aggressive and weird first date. That being said, he loses a substantial percentage of the points for then acting like the purpose of the date was to go out and confuse people, as if the sight of old people in the park, nay, in any public location is somehow inherently confusing.  +10 for being called perfect for the date he was on +5 for date kissing +10 for revealing he used to be picked on and that really bizarrely that he and his ex-girlfriend used to be super competitive with each other +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +20 for a date rose +15 for tattling on Andrew...sort of...to Josh... +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for giving Andi a Werther's. Which was amazing.
	Josh – 55 Important Info: I'm weirdly in alignment with Andi on this one. There really is something about Josh. His terrible underarm tattoos, his solo post-loss solemn reflection, and the fact that he had anything complimentary to say about high heel sneakers should all be red flags (as should his use of the phrase "grown-ass man." My husband uses that all the time, but it's generally after I've made him do something like hunt for Easter Eggs or practice our West African Tupperware drumming - not generally in the midst of an altercation), and yet somehow, something about Josh M. is working for me and I can see him hanging in there until the very end.  +10 for questioning whether Andrew is there for the right reasons +10 for being upset about not getting a one-on-one +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +5 for a rose
	Marcus – 70 Important Info: After Nick took an early lead, Marcus has inched him out as front runner for the guy who cares a little too much a little too early. The fact that Andi didn't cring and say "too soon, too soon" is a clear sign that she's pretty into him (also a clear sign - the fact that she didn't punch him when he said "I'm more scared that you. I promise." Because a) How could he possibly know that? Is he in on some sort of Monsters, Inc. style sceme where he's mastered how to bottle and/or quantify fear. If so, when do we get to hear him reveal that secret. Surely, it can't wait for hometowns, and b) That is just not a helpful thing to say at all unless you are a wild animal or otherwise the source of that fear). +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one +5 for a rose +15 for saying he is falling in love with Andi, especially since too soon, too soon, too soon! +10 for facing a fear +10 for being treated to a concert of someone I've never heard of before. +20 for a date rose
	Marquel – 20 Important Info: It's way too early in the season to make such predictions, but if the season ended tomorrow, Marquel would be my front runner to be the next Bachelor. He's charismatic, he seems to be a delightful conversationalist, and he's a really refreshing mix of manly and feminine (give that none of those descriptors were "so mind-numbingly boring that I am forced to compose a limerick about distinguishing portions of his anatomy to keep from totally tun out," I'm pretty sure the ABC producers have already rejected that idea out of hand). +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for 2 roses
	Nick V. – 45 Important Info: Nick knows how to play the Game (not the game of basketball, obviously, as he made about 14 football references while trying to talk smack during the group date). From bringing up his "schoolboy crush" to ordering flowers for the cocktail party to a secret admirer note that just had to have been from him, Nick could pretty much teach a master class in how to take things to the next level and it is working for him despite his increasingly punchable face. +5 for kissing on a date +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for sending flowers to the cocktail party - seriously, why hasn't anyone ever done that before?
	Patrick – 10 Important Info: Patrick is a person who is ostensibly still on this show. That is all. +10 for 2 roses
	Ron – 50 Left the Show Important Info: If Nick could teach a master class on how to hang around on this show, then Ron could teach a master class on how to leave it. Personal tragedy is this show's bread and butter, and I have all the respect in the world for the fact that Ron didn't try to parlay his friend's death into extra time on film. It's disgusting that I even had to write that as that should probably just be the baseline level of human decency, but in years past, this occurrence would have almost certainly resulted in a series of interviews and an "urgent" conversation with the Bachelor/Bachelorette. And Ron paid far better tribute to his friend's memory by avoiding cameras until he could quietly sneak out the back. +50 for leaving the show

Tasos – 5 Eliminated Important Info: I don't really have anything to say about Tasos this week. But it's cool. It was made pretty clear that he's not really worthy of our attentions anyway. +5 for a rose

Almost Halfway Into This Season’s 'Journey' – WWJD?

If you’re like me and you feel like we’re already halfway through the season of the Bachelorette even though we’ve only seen four episodes (how is that possible? What with all the personal angst, drama and lack of any major eye candy to drool over, it feels like it’s dragged on forever), imagine how Andi feels.  Oh wait, we already know – she told us she’s ‘exhausted’ in the last episode.

To get us all through to the end, I think we need a mood booster – yes, a mood booster, courtesy of Bachelorette alumni, Jen Scheftt. How, you ask? Well, I was the lucky recipient of Jen’s book, Better Single Than Sorry (c. 2007) for my birthday this year from our fine commissioner, Megan. Such a gift could not have been bestowed on a more enthusiastic recipient!

Among the 20 chapters (plus Five Parts, plus Epilogue) of advice Jen offers are interstitial “Mood Boosters” to help ‘keep a pep in your step’ (as Patti Stranger would say) during the dating game of life. It sounds like Andi has reached the point where she’s starting to question some of the guys’ motives and examine them all more closely (or, at least, more closely with her tongue). I’m all for purging when needed and separating the wheat from the chaff, and so is Jen. In fact, Andi could look to Jen’s “Funny Reasons Women Have Been Turned Off by a Man” (p. 157) for reasons to axe more of the guys, because why should she settle for less? These include:

“He left voice mails in different accents.”

“He signed every email with ‘Peace in the Middle East.’”

“He had way too much cover up on a pimple.”

“He wore a blousy leather jacket with an elastic waistband.”

“We went to see Star Trek: The Next Generation, and he pumped his fists in the air in excitement when the Starship Enterprise went across the screen.” (Note: Oh come on. I would be the same way about Darth Vader in a Star Wars movie.)

“His hair smelled like bad cheese.”

“He spoke these words: 'My biggest passion in life is being a thespian'."

“He wore high-tops.” (Note: Depending on how you wear these, I don't necessarily consider this a deal breaker. For instance, Alexander Skarsgard can wear high tops any time he damn well wants to. He can wear an electric blue wig, hula skirt and sparkly purple pasties for all I care, and I would still want to get me some of that. Alex – call me). 

Andi, if any of these guys start taking you to Trekkie conventions, speaking with Klingon accents, wearing blousy leather jackets and using cheese in their daily hair routines, you know what to do. But leave Alexander Skarsgard (in all his high-topped glory) to ME.

Week 3, The Girl

Solvang, California which is, no joke, where I was. Can you
 believe Andi and the gang didn't go here? It feels like a missed
opportunity.

I was hoping to knock a few posts out quickly before I made may way to L.A., followed by a little jaunt up the coast to Santa Barbara (Either because I wanted to really get into my roles as commissioner this year by channeling Andi on the Dorfman trail of tears or I had a mildly coincidental wedding to attend). It's small consolation to me that last week's two-episode ordeal is to be followed by a week of nothing because the strain of watching two vaguely action-packed but largely banal sets of dates will surely have me spending the mini hiatus convalescing on my fainting couch (which is, of course, where I write all my blog posts, eat the vast majority of my bon bons, and, of course, concoct all my schemes for all to ensnare the men in my neighborhood who are of adequate fortune and marriageable age). But whether we blame the high dosage week or Andi's actions, I have feelings about this week and they ain't all "anxious" or "nervous" or, you know, good:

- I usually refrain from commenting on date dinners because they tend to be in highly predictable if mildly hilarious locations. I can't say for sure whether overcooked salmon is better pushed around your plate in an enchanted grotto or a bioluminescent cave or an historic and probably haunted pre-Columbian Inn (mostly because, regardless of location, I would eat the damn salmon), but I can say that this week's date with Nick was particularly ridiculous. Don't get me wrong. A courthouse is as inappropriate a place as any to murmur about vaguely before very obviously failing to eat a plate of good, but this was so clearly a telegraphed reminder of "Hey, no matter what happens - let's remember, she's a lawyer" that I can't even treat it with the concerted disinterest I usually feign while wishing I had their food.

- On the one hand, Boyz II Men (which incidentally, were the authors of my first ever compact disc: Boyz II Men II for which the liner notes cleverly replaced the word "to" and all of it's homophones with the sexier Roman Numeral) is so, so much better than this show. On the other hand, any guy who wasn't completely geeking out by their appearance was completely incorrect.

- Nothing made me happier last week than the editors' decision to cut from one of the guys describing the scene as "People hanging out of windows and off o balconies and stuff - it's nuts" straight to a shot of three women sitting calmly and without any sort of ill-advised "hanging" on their deck. Thank you editors. You are forgive your past sins. 

- Andi is apparently planning to take up heavy, heavy smoking some time in the next 50 years.

- I have to say, it also made me feel incredibly happy to see the difference between the WNBA date and that horrible Italian soccer date from Des' season. Alpha males or not, it is a huge testament to this gang's utter lack of Juan Pablo-style machismo that every guy out there knew from the start just how badly they were going to get their asses handed to them.

- Does anyone enjoy the harrowing fear of heights dates? Seriously, is there a focus group somewhere that is telling ABC that all the best love stories involve crippling mental anguish and some sort of heavy-handed trust metaphors (and if so, can I have the members' home addresses? I have a whole stack of magazines just itching to be cut up into threatening letters)?

- Is it just me or is the tragedy just a little too tragic to handle this year? Maybe everything just feels heavier in light of what happened to Eric - and I know it's all ostensibly "real," but between Eric, the death of Ron's friend, and pretty much everything that's ever happened to Dylan, there's been some really rough stuff that I don't think the program is well-equipped to deal with. From Andi seizing Ron's departure as an opportunity to talk about how lucky she is to have people "giving up their lives" to her failure to ask a follow-up when Dylan mentioned his brother's funeral (and seriously, Andi, this is review from last week, but "crazy" is "stop it" part II. Dylan having spent high school with his now lovingly maintained hockey hair in an Andi-style ombre'd mullet would be "crazy." The tragic death of both his siblings is not) to the disappointing and somewhat disgusting tribute to Eric that focused mainly on how Andi feels knowing that she won't get to see him at the Men Tell All, this show just isn't built for real life that's quite so real. I know the show often feels an artificual pressure to escalate the drama from one year to the next (and, while I highly doubt Chris Harrison has recently taken up paraglider tampering, it does occasionally feel like bringing on a contestant-assassin to pick off his competitors one by one is the programs inevitable end), but I sincerely hope they recognize that acceleration needs to be in a weirder not sadder direction unless they want to leave us all behind.