Week 5, The Nonsense

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but...there was not enough Helen Mirren in this week's episode of The Bachelorette (which, by the way, they can say all they want about how the movie they were schilling is about love and passion and the inextricable link between our five senses and the senses of the heart, but it, like every other Helen Mirren vehicle, is actually about how it is possible that Helen Mirren looks that unbelievably good at the age of 69. That's the plot of Calendar Girls, it's the plot of Red, and it's the plot of The Queen. In fact, the plot of Downton Abbey is pretty much just about how Helen Mirren is too much a marvel of modern healthy living to be plausible in a period piece - a point which still remains damn worth making even after four seasons). But then again, as Maggie has already pointed out, there wasn't enough of a lot of things in this episode as jet lag and petulance contributed mightily to a growing sense of midseason fatigue. Nonetheless with no hiatus to look forward to next week, we press on with my collection of scattered and not-at-all poignant thoughts (I wore myself out with the whole Helen Mirren schtick):

Despite having no iris, Bert's eyes still manage to look more
soulful, less dead than our good buddy C.H.

- I'm glad to see that Juan Pablo didn't forever ruin Chris Harrison's ability to pretend to put in some modicum of effort for his exorbitant paycheck. It was nice to see him this week, especially since his version of Euro casual was a particularly aggressive-looking knitting catalog insert. The sympathy hives I broke out in while watching were worth it just to say I was there when Chris Harrison joined Samuel L. Jackson, that one guy from One Direction, and Bert from Sesame Street in the elite club of men who wear turtlenecks.
- The Bachelorette finally decided to admit it wasn't color-blind this week and, unsurprising failed to advance the civil rights movement in its first foray into this admittedly rather charged topic. In some ways, Marquel seems to be the perfect spokesperson for race on this show. He dealt with the whole thing with honesty and aplomb, and I really enjoyed watching the whitest of the white boys line up to pay their respects for how he executed his calm attack. That being said, while referring to someone as "blackie" is offensive and abhorrent, I couldn't help noticing that everyone glossed over the much likelier possibility that Andrew actually said "black guys"...which, if we're being honest really isn't that much better. For a show that's eager to place accusations of racism behind it, it remains unwilling to confront the reality that including a handful of minorities on each season and letting them hang around for four or five shows isn't the solution. I'm disappointed in what happened with Marquel because he and Andi seemed to have good chemistry and fun flirtation and yet he still go sent packing in a week where the wooden Dylan and awkward Brian got to stay around and continue wooing. And it just made the show's recently implemented quota system that much more apparent. I don't know what the solution is outside of a mea culpa that ABC is clearly not ready to offer or the recruitment of a bachelor or bachelorette who really is attracted to all races and creeds. But I'm willing to bet that the producers played a part in making sure the debate focused solely on the improbably offensive term because Andrew pointing out that she kept the "black guys" around plays much differently than a racial slur. And Andrew's not the only one to blame.

Marquel Marqueau -
Oh that's right. I just made a
mime joke.

- And on a related note, the miming date was actually pretty adorable and I could completely understand Andi falling a little bit more in love with a number of the guys, but....did anyone else experience a moment of horror where they thought, on top of everything he was already dealing with, Marquel might be forced into white face?
- So, as each day passes, it becomes more and more obvious that Josh is probably going to win. Even without what's happening on the show, Josh and his family are apparently Atlanta football royalty and it seems pretty unlikely that Andi wouldn't have already known who he is (and perhaps kept a scrapbook of his newspaper clippings and athletic accomplishments like I definitely didn't do for a certain member of 1999-2000 Gopher Men's Basketball team). On the show, though, things are pclearly progressing as well as is shown by the breakthrough deep conversation they finally had this week. I believe it went a little something like this:

Freakishly tall and ridiculously
corn-fed used to do it for me.
What can I say?

   Andi: Yeah, I thought you were a dirtbag athlete who probably slept around a lot
   Josh: My ex-girlfriend thought so too. In fact, she thought it so hard that she actually went and made out with someone else.
   Andi: That is appalling and in no way directly parallel to what I am doing to you right now.
Now, I'm not saying that all deep conversations need to focus on peac in the Middle East or Raskolnikov's motives or every how the color that you see as blue might be totally different than the way that I'm perceiving it, but I still don't really think a re-hash of the exact same conversation that happens on every episode of The Bachelorette ever really qualifies.
- And finally, if any of you weren't already certain that I wouldn't make it on The Bachelor, the revelation that the cocktail parties sometimes start at 11:20 was the nail in the coffin of my dreams (the acerbic but still funny and cool English professor to my mixed metaphor). I sometimes don't even watch the show because it's on so late - partaking in its activities would clearly interfere with my bedtime.