Episode 2, The Girls

Despite my growing distaste for Sean's particular brand of Southern machismo, it's clear that this season will live or die on the strength of the ladies' craziness. And, I don't know, for me, ABC kind of bought it in this week's episode.  It's not that I can prove for a fact that Tierra's not upstairs, off camera polishing her Prada Pocket Knife, her Swarovski Switchblade, but outside of repeatedly being told that the other girls don't like her, I'm not exactly feeling like we're witnessing the performance of an evil genius who we can all grow to love-to-hate.

Luckily, she's just one of the women swanning about in satin in spandex, and , while this week saw an wholly unprecedented complete and utter lack of crying, there were still some notable performances this week:

Tierra: So Tierra may have said that she wasn't here to make friends. And she may have made some slightly aggressive comments about other girls going home and getting her way with Sean (not to be confused with having her way with Sean, which I imagine she was just thinking), but outside of the interviews, I really didn't see much that would piss off the other girls.  Sure, she made a kind of snarky comment about Kristy's extensions, but I would bet money that she made that comment expecting the self-aggrandizing Kristy to be billed as the villain.

Robyn: Is Robyn some sort of ABC plant or is she just the unwitting foil to the producers' masterful schemes? From trash-talk to tough-talk, Robyn seems to be following some sort of playbook, ramping up interhouse drama even as she strives to establish a long sought-after interracial peace. Now, it must be noted that the makeup artist actually started the catty chatter about Tierra (probably because Tierra's extension-less hair wasn't long enough to disguise her tacky ho-dom), but Robyn certainly didn't head for higher moral ground. And while Robyn definitely initiated the race conversation with Sean, the question and answers seemed a little bit...perfect. That's not to say that it wasn't an important conversation or that Sean isn't up for dating women of color, but one couldn't help but feel that ABC had a self-congratulatory hand in this as if to say "See, we totally have black friends. It's the past Bachelors who were racist."

Kacie: My cynicism about Kacie's return continues to be put to the test. In this episode, I considered and discarded the theory that she was simply coming back on the show in hopes that she could be named the next Bachelorette. Though I remember her name being bounced around before Emily's season, it seems like someone angling to be wooed by 25 eligible men wouldn't put react with such stone-cold bitchiness to the departure of the adorable, savvy, and frizzy-haired Katie. That being said, though, Kacie did pull one of my favorite Bachelor contestant moves by endowing the date rose with a complicated and many-layered meaning. I'm too lazy to look up the verbatim quote, but if I'm remembering correctly, it was something along the lines of: "If Sean gives me the rose tonight it means that he's taking me out of the friend zone, shirtless on horseback, riding me to the castle of true, everlasting love." She's probably not reading too much into it. 

Desiree: I'm calling this one right now.  Desiree is about as in to Sean as she was amused by his practical joke.

Lindsay: So, it was pretty obvious that the producers made Sean keep Lindsay (who I can neither confirm nor deny is not the same person as AshLee) last week with the promise that, if he put up with her for a week and she didn't spew anymore fascinating craziness out into the Bachelor mansion, he could send her packing.  Not only did he choose not to take her on a date, but he referenced getting rid of girls who were "fun to date, and fun to be around" right as they segued into their conversation. But suddenly, a disappointingly sober Lindsay latched on to the magic words. "My parents are happily married," she said. And she was in. Now, part of this might just be residual bitterness from the broken home in which I grew up, never really learning how to love, but this phrase has way too much cache on the Bachelor. Sure, research probably shows that people with loving, devoted parents have a better chance at long-term marital bliss, but "My parents are still together" doesn't seem to be particularly strong counterargument for corset-clad insanity.

Daniella: Has anybody else noticed that Daniella looks exactly like Tierra only with blonde hair?