Episode 1: The Girls

It's hard to pinpoint what I love most about The Bachelor. It could be its emotional depth, the shining beacons of humanity that they recruit to participate, the sequins. But for this season's inaugural episode, my viewing raison d'etre was clear. I loved this particular show because it enabled me to do some long overdue soul searching. And as I seized the bgeinnings of this emotional journey as a chance to examine the very depths of my inner me, I realized that I, like so many girls who would soon find themselves sobbing in a limo, am a failure.

And how have I failed? In marrying a man who I didn't win away from 25 other eager girls? By not abandoning my classroom mid-year so that all my former students could see me act like a drunken mess on TV? By not investing in spray tan? No, I've failed you as this League's commissioner in  my horrible administration of the draft. For the past three seasons, I've been resorting to a random number generator to determine the draft order when all along, there's been a perfect mechanism built into the show! Next season, prior to the first episode, we'll each randomly select a lovely lady or strapping gent and determine draft order by whose contestant's intro makes me cringe the hardest. Last night, the decision would have been hotly contested.

There was Robyn's awful attempt at gymnastics, Jackie's territorial kiss (it is seriously only a matter of time until one of these ladies pees on the Bachelor to stake her claim), and Kelly's terrible song-cum-plug for her cruise ship entertaining career. There were the slightly more successful attempts of Selma with the lipstick-wiping, Lesley M. with the football, and Tierra with the type of face that Sean clearly finds really, really attractive. But the clear victors of the evening were Lindsay and Ashley P. for their ability to make me cover my eyes and talk to my TV as if The Bachelor was a horror movie and Sean was about to meet a bloody end. Both came in strong with incredibly awkward and ill-conceived bits and made it worse by completely failing to read the situation (also by getting quite drunk). In my experience, men in general aren't thrilled by women who demand a ring too early or those that admit to reading 50 Shades of Grey (I love, by the way, the fact that every other woman in there pretended that they haven't read it.  I guarantee you at least half of them had, but they got the memo on the deny! deny! deny!). Sean in particular seems a wee bit on the conservative side, and didn't seem overly thilled by the aggressive kiss on the mouth of by, you know, the suggestion of bondage. (By the way, I am adding "Making Sean blush" to the rules - giving his coloring and moral code, I feel like this will be a big scorer).

Sadly, though, those who go big on night one often go home early, which is why none of the ladies who really made me shudder made my list of double draftable. With 8 in the league and only 19 ladies still vying to win Sean's heart, a full five ladies can be drafted twice. Please bear in mind that I picked these "double draftable" gals based on whims and who I think has the potential to put up some points, not on spoilers or who I really think will still be standing at the end.

Here they are:

Kristy - A fit model with the balls to play the "everyone hates me because I'm a model" card before anyone's even met her?  Yes, please!  Also, there was clearly something hinky going on between her and her personal trainer.

 

Kacie - Because she showed up on night one, and because she's so sweet, I imagine the other girls' animosity toward her will wane, but still worth it I think.

Taryn - While there's always a girl or two who don't quite seem to get how the game is played, I don't think I've ever seen the equivalent of Taryn's performance so early on in the show. If you don't want to compete for a guy, don't come on the show! (or do, and cry a lot).

Desiree - Desiree's ex-boyfriend showing up might not be "the most dramatic twist in Bachelor history," but from what little they showed of him, he is beyond a doubt the worst ever actor in Bachelor history.

Tierra - You all saw the scenes from this season. This pick speaks for itself.