Finals, The Scores

All I can say is...there were 10,000 points available for bringing a chicken. You all missed out!

The final scores are:

Eastlake - 245 Becca - 55 Emily -  30 Jubilee - 100 Lauren H. - 25 Leah - 35

Brandon - 270            Amanda - 35                       Amber - 10                 Caila - 40                   Lace - 95                     Olivia - 90

Congrats to Brandon, this year's winner and first ever back-to-back league champion. Like the New England Patriots, the Chicago Blackhawks, and Alexis Colby Carrington, we have a dynasty, folks!

	Amanda – 35 +10 for earning audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +20 for thanking Ben for feeling bad about dumping her Important Info: I get that Ben is the greatest Bachelor ever and his face is now forever emblazoned on the 100 Harrisito piece (the currency in paradise, for those of you not familiar. Primarily used for tipping Jorge, the bartender. Leading economists value the Harrisito at 0.347 US Weekly headlines), but Amanda's praise of him was part of a larger disturbing theme of women thanking Ben for breaking their hearts and us, ostensibly swooning over it. Remember when Ben Flajnik gave Ashley a piece of his mind for dumping him, and we all celebrated him for it/anointed him the new worst ever Bachelor (of the pre-Juan Pablo era, obviously)? I miss that us.
	Amber – 10 +5 for earning audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: So...maybe it happened off camera, but...I think it's more likely that ABC just opted not to show us Jubilee, Amber, and Jami's conversation about race. Obviously, it's a touchy subject under any circumstance and ABC has a much longer history of ignoring it than of treating it with delicacy and thoughtfulness. Since we didn't get to see it, it's hard to have too many thoughts on the particular incident in question, but I will say two things: 1) I do think it matters if Jubilee said that she was the only "full" black girl vs. if she said she was the only "real" black girl. 2) I don't think anyone was tremendously confused when Jami confronted Jubilee and kept making vague references to another person. But nonetheless, when Amber deadpanned "She's talking about me. I'm the other mixed person" was very well played.
	Becca - 55 +10 for audience applause +30 for being featured in all the bloopers Bonus: +15 for calling Ben Chris. Apologies to all of you who had Becca during the regular season that this was never aired. Important Info: Watching the bloopers made me wonder if Becca isn't a robot so much as she is very uncomfortable around men. When she was around the women, she actually seemed normal and fun and capable of  veritable panoply of human emotion which were not the sort of things I believed her programming to support when she was around Ben or Chris!
	Caila – 40 +10 for audience applause +15 for being featured in bloopers +15 for confessing feelings at Chris Harrison's behest (or really having Chris Harrison confess her feelings on her behalf) Important Info: It's really no wonder than Ben "appreciates" Caila given that she is so seamlessly able to lie about how "good" it was to see Ben's relationships with Lauren B. in Jo Jo. Unless she mean it in a "because carving voodoo dolls of them while I watched you confess your love was cathartic" sort of way.
	Emily– 30 +5 for audience applause +10 for bloopers Bonus: +15 for still being treated like half a person when Ben was asked if he could differentiate between her and Haley. They made out a lot. She met his parents. She shared her hopes and dreams (although in fairness, they are Haley's hopes and dreams as well..) Important Info: Emily said it was "beyond the point" that she bullied Olivia back. I think we can all agree the main point is that Emily should not be allowed to decide what the point is.
	Jubilee – 100 +20 for audience applause +10 for crying +15 for audience boos +20 for shocked whispers of disbelief +15 for confessing feelings at Chris Harrison's behest +20 for being featured in bloopers Important Info: Dear Chris Harrison,    When trying to make a woman feel worthwhile, saying "A guy like Ben saw you and got you" maybe isn't the best approach. Especially when the subtext is "and then dumped you" rather than "and if a simpleton like him could puzzle you out, you must not be that complex."    Love, Womankind
	Lace – 95 +15 for audience applause +20 for shocked whispers of disbelief +15 for admitting feelings at Chris Harrison's behest +10 for saying the experience changed her Bonus: +10 for accepting an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise +30 for being accosted by a random audience member who had a tattoo of her face on his rib cage. Important Info: Despite all of Lace's talk about personal growth and self-actualization, you have to be pretty skeptical that she's improved that much if she agreed to give this another go 'round. But while Paradise is going to be terrible for Lace, Lace will be amazing for paradise. She is a perfect blend of self-aware and completely unfiltered, as evidenced by the fact that she told Chris Harrison that the thing she'd most want to change were some of her facial expressions. There's no question that Lace is going to fill the shoes of allstars before her like Claire and Ashley S. The only real question is what sort of animal they will edit into her scenes to make her seem even nuttier.
	Lauren H. – 25 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +15 for saying they would all sacrifice themselves for one happy relationship Important Info: Which I think was a particularly apt demonstration of the skills she can bring to her next job interview. Who doesn't want a kindergarten teacher with such a glorious track record of sharing.
	Leah – 35 +5 for (admittedly very weak) audience applause +15 for audience boos Bonus: +15 for saying she didn't intentionally lie. I'm guessing what she meant was "I intentionally lied whilst believing that I would not get caught." Yes, that's right. Leah said whilst! Important Info: As bizarre as Leah's departure initially seemed, with the wisdom of a few extra weeks, I think we can all agree she just wanted to secure her place in Paradise, right?
	Olivia – 90 +15 for audience applause +40 for shocked whispers of disbelief +10 for crying +10 for saying the experience taught her so much about herself +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +10 for apologizing to Amanda as well as all mothers everywhere. Ordinarily, apologizing would earn anti-points, but talking over Amanda's attempt to accept her apology just shows she's ready to get back behind a news desk. Important Info: I believe Olivia when she says she was bullied. So I will resist the urge to make fun of her classy, redemptive and utterly boring performance on a show that's not built for talking those kinds of smart thing.

Week 9, The Scores

A few assorted thoughts to begin our penultimate post:

1) First of all, I don't think I've ever made it through a season with so little hate in my heart. The women all seem like legitimately decent human beings who have endured even the ugliest moments of this season with something approaching dignity (the key term being "approaching" as they were undoubtedly forced to hand over their dignity for Chris Harrison to grind up into his skin cream the moment they consented to appear on the show). I almost feel like I like them, like they're real people with feelings and goals, rather than spring break bikini mannequins brought to life to honor one man's desperate wish after he was unceremoniously dumped in a Sears Canada in the midst of a mint green skinny jeans blowout sale. And usually by this point in the year, I would have developed some sort of antipathy toward Ben, rooted in his abuse of power, his belittling of one or more woman's personhood, or just a general sense of yuck. But I even find myself unable to hate Ben. Now, granted, this has a lot to do with how incredibly boring he is as I find myself equally unable to experience any real emotion about Ben: I don't hate him; I don't like him; I'm not amused by him; I don't find him "intriguing"; I don't crave a breakfast sandwich each time I look at his face (so, you know, all the important ones). But still, either these are not terrible people, my postpartum hormones have made me soft, or writing so many mean things about Becca have forced me to involuntarily become a conduit for her robot soul. 

2) It's interesting that Ben is still being painted in such a flattering light after what happened to poor Kaitlyn, as they both pretty seriously violated their contestant's trust. True, Ben didn't bang anyone outside of the show-sanctioned safe space (if there's no disease-riddled hot tub to set the coital mood, then you're basically just being slutty), but it seems like telling multiple women that he loves them is pretty much tantamount to the same thing. Research shows that women perceive emotional infidelity in the same way that women perceive the physical, and so I think we should all be preparing ourselves for Lauren B. to play the part of Sean in the SAT analogy of Bachelor nation's collective lives over minimally the next 6 months.

3) Wasn't it nice to see Chris Harrison this week?

4) Wasn't it especially nice to see Chris Harrison trying his hardest no to laugh in Jo Jo or Lauren B's face as they pretty much told him the exact same thing about Ben's unexpectedly reciprocated love?

5) Apparently Ben has now supplanted Sean Lowe as the most popular Bachelor in history. While I'm not exactly sad about the results, can someone please tell me where to register so that I can participate in these historic votes? Do I need some sort of fan club ID? Do you guys think I'd be a good test subject for a Supreme Court case exploring ABC's systematic disenfranchisement of the cynics?

Okay, on to this week's scores obtained by "doing some of the most romantic things" according to Ben. And I think we can pretty much all agree that he phrased it that way only because "some of the most romantic things" sounds ever so slightly more mature than "it."

	Caila – 95 Eliminated +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +15 for saying "I love you" +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +20 for stealing "unsanctioned time" (which really seems to be a losing strategy this year. Neither Caila nor Leah experienced the sexy results I imagine they were envisioning) +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for telling Ben his break-up speech to her sounded like a line....although she (and everyone else) deserves negative points for not commenting on how every single other thing out of the man's mouth also sounded like a line Important Info: Poor Caila. At least she can say that she went out with class. A few things that we can say: 1) "It's weird to spend a whole day together" is not really the sort of thing you should be saying about a man who you are about to get engaged to. And "Fireworks in his eyes, in the sky, in my heart" isn't really the sort of thing you should be saying outside of a 10th grade poetry class. 2) Not only is it a bad year for stealing unsanctioned time, but it also seems to be a bad year for nonverbal cues. This week Caila got a little bit Olivian with what she claimed to see in Ben's eyes. All the women would have been much better served had they realized that there is nothing of note lurking behind Ben's eyes. 3) Except for some mild skeeviness. The line "I could wake up tomorrow and know for certain that Caila's the one for me" really only has one interpretation (...And that interpretation is obviously that Ben worships at the temple of the dream oracle and he could finally muster up the needed materials for a late night sacrifice with Caila sleeping in his bed. Obviously). 4) And speaking of waking up, Caila really does wake up looking pretty ridiculously amazing. Even in comparison to Jo Jo and Lauren B. who are both incredibly pretty women in their own rights, morning after Caila was pretty awe-inspiring. Can't wait to see if hungover morning after Caila fares the same on Bachelor in Paradise Season 3!
	Jo Jo – 95 +5 for a rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 for making her date into a metaphor +15 for saying "I love you" +5 for crying +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite Bonus: +10 for Ben reciprocating her love Important Info: I'm afraid Jo Jo is being set up for heartbreak and her brothers are being set up for a boyz' trip to Dallas to kick a little Bachelor ass. But at least she had one glorious week: 1) I suspect not even Jo Jo believed she was Ben's "main squeeze" when the week started off. Mostly because she told Ben "I love when you're with me" like any self-respecting mistress might. 2) Her relief was palpable when Ben said I love you back, especially compared to the more wary Lauren. But I think I detected just a hint of shock and concern behind Ben's eyes when she started talking about how safe she now felt. 3) I am not at all surprised to learn that Jo Jo calls people "Babe." I have no reason for this lack of surprise, but I assure you it exists (or doesn't exist? Doesn't not exist? Does never not unexist? It's possible I need to spend more time talking to adults) 4) My favorite part of this episode was when Jo Jo commented on it being weird that Ben could now fit them both in one hug. It's not that I don't get what she means, but she basically told the man she allegedly "loves" that it's weird he's only seeing one other girl. 5) While I think Jo Jo is about to get blindsided, at least she'll have the consolation of being the next bachelorette, right? With her spunk, her barely noticeable tomboy side, and her husky voice she has all the standard qualifications. And I will be spending now until the announcement crossing all available digits (including my son's) that they allow her hot brothers to come on the show as fake contestants so that they can be her men on the inside and generally keep everyone in line in the house. I'm pretty sure it would be an amazing twist...unless the producers just want to go ahead and repeat last year's weirdly gross faceoff with someone like Britt.
	Lauren B. – 90 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +15 for saying "I love you" Bonus: +10 for having her love reciprocated +15 for being treated to a concert by a band that we will never hear of Important Info:  1) I'm not sure that I'm fully buying that Lauren's lifelong dream was to save the sea turtles but...it's certainly a better dream to admit to than being an NFL cheerleader. 2) So I feel relatively certain that Ben is going to pick Lauren, but after this week, doesn't he sort of have to? Otherwise, you gotta think he spent this week trying to convince Jo Jo that she's not inferior to Lauren "To Good for me" B. 3) It's really interesting that Lauren said she struggled the most with last week where she didn't have to see any of the other women and just got to hang out with Ben. It seems like not having the other women around for comparison was weirdly actually harder for her. Because she is going to win. Hard.

Weeks 7 and 8, The Scores

So first of all, one incredibly important message for Ben: Fair rides should scare you, man. They are terrifying.

	Amanda – 70 Eliminated +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +5 for cryng Bonus: +15 for gamely playing along with the absolutely shameless McDonald's product placement.  Important Info: I have lots of important thoughts about Amanda this week, so let's not hold back!   1) There's a reason that Lady and the Tramp shared noodles and not a french fry. The dampness of one's mouth doesn't compromise the textural integrity of spaghetti so it's not that gross (If you limit your focus to the relatively narrow world of things that have been in other people's mouths where it falls after the tongues of those you find attractive and oxygen tank mouthpieces in the midst of a shipwreck. If you look more globally it's much, much further down the "not that gross" list). But a french fry gets soggy quickly, so rather than a romantic "Bella Notte" as envisioned by Walt Disney himself, you quickly go down the path to a baby bird regurgitation scenario. And I don't think that's on anyone's list as a necessary precursor to a hometown date. 2) There are plenty of signs that Ben is not ready to have kids, but I'm not sure any of them were quite as blatant as his tight and tiny swim trunks. I know the editors wanted to make us think it was the crying that was wearing on Ben's last nerve, but after a day of sand and chasing in those things, if feels like some pretty wicked chafing probably came into play. 3) Amanda hasn't exactly been at the top of my list this season in terms of contestants that I love. And I will remain staunchly devoted to hoping that she doesn't find herself in paradise this summer where it becomes much harder to claim that you're doing it for your kids. That being said when she was making her departure, the death stare she was shooting Ben all while saying extremely classy and sympathetic things was almost enough to make me cherish her the way that Ben hopes that someday some man who is very much not him will.
	Becca - 15 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for being pissed Ben didn't send her home before the rose ceremony. On the one hand, he probably did have a pretty good idea that this was going to happen after the 3-on-1 date. On the other hand...that is literally the central conceit of the entire show that you signed up to be on...for a second time. Important Info: I will give credit to Becca, however, for her comment that "her family matters too." I get that she doesn't have kids so it's really the same as it is for Amanda, but every year on this very date the bachelor/bachelorette makes some sort of speech about the importance of one contestant's hometown above all others and it always plays as hurtful and unnecessary. Although somewhere in California, I'm sure Becca's family is thrilled. After all, they trotted out the hospitality carpet for Chris, cooked the man an entire meal of food, and look where that got them!
	Caila – 65 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +30 (15 x 2) for Ben commenting on her attractiveness twice +10 (5 x 2) for crying twice +5 for kissing on a one-on-one Bonus: +10 for comparing Emily to a puppy. Mighty condescending given that Caila is a wizened 24 years old to Emily's eager 23. But I guess for dogs that is a difference of 7 years... Important Info: Also a lot of thoughts about Caila: 1) Last week Caila said she was "Moss looking for a tree to grow on." Which saddens me. Because come on girl. Be another tree! 2) I'm really confused by Caila's family. On the one hand, she said that she moved 17 times before college, but on the other hand...her Dad is the CEO of a toy company? I need to know more about this, especially since the man wasn't exactly giving off the secret spy vibe (or the non-secret spy vibe...which I guess would just be the vibe of a really bad spy?) 3) Although maybe he is sme sort of criminal mastermind. He must have something over his workers to get them to clap with enthusiasm as his daughter gets carried through the factory by some random man, right? 4) And finally, on an unrelated note...can we all go ahead and agree that Ben's keeping Caila around because she's the girl he wants to get into the fantasy suite?
	Emily – 35 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +15 for making Ben's mom cry +15 for enduring the unprecedented indignity of having to tell the other girls about her unceremonious dumping Important Info: So...I've never tried to be an NFL cheerleader before (for so, so many reasons including but not limited to a preference for mean-spirited taunting rather than upbeat cheering; a lack of mastery of the hair flip; calves not suited to white, leather boots; a deep seated pom-pom phobia), but then again, I'm also not a hot blonde twin for whom it doesn't seem like it should be all that hard....I mean, I don't want to begrudge Emily anything. She seems like a very nice girl and she should absolutely aim for her dreams. But then, I'd say, maybe...aim just a little bit higher...?
	Jo Jo – 80 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 for being called the perfect person for the date she is on +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +10 (5 x 2) for crying twice Bonus: +25 for the emergence of her ex-boyfriend and her weird staged reaction to something that I am sure she had already read (and, who are we kidding, called and micro-analyzed with her four closest friends) Important Info: Some thoughts on Jo Jo: 1) Jo Jo's ex-boyfriend "now knows what love is because [Jo Jo] showed him what love is." Which is great for Chad. Don't get me wrong. Real emotional growth, but...do we think he might have been more successful if he had stolen less of his speech from Foreigner? 2) Jo Jo's brothers (or as they shall henceforth be known: hot Adrian Brody and Not At All Unattractive Other Brother - which, seriously, can we see photos of Jo Jo's parents from when they were younger? Because they clearly did some impressive genetic work here) made some extremely valid points, including:    a) How can you fall in love with someone with whom you've only been on two dates? (Do we think Chad could help clarify what with all of his power-ballad-derived knowledge? Could it maybe have something to do with seeing love shine through some measure of clouds? Or climbing a mountain? Chad, please help!)    b) Ben might not be as into Jo Jo as she is into him given that his attempt to reassure her brothers as to his feelings included reference to all the time they have left to have conversations. Which might be a valid part of a book pitch for a sequel to Tuesdays with Morrie, but doesn't exactly sound like deep meaningful love. Not to mention when her brothers tried to give him an out by suggesting he wasn't allowed to say certain things, he denied it. This could come down to him not being very clever, but...I can see why they were somewhat less than convinced.    c) The Bachelor process is 100% set up to brainwash the contestants into falling in love. Yes, Not At All Unattractive Other Brother. Well noted. Let me know if you are available to guest blog. 3) Ben noted that he felt like Jo Jo's family was talking about him behind his back. This confused me because I'm pretty sure what was actually caught on film was him and the family talking behind Jo Jo's back.
	Lauren B. – 65 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +5 for crying +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +15 for being forced to re-enact Ben's first kiss...which, it should go without saying, happened with a completely non-Lauren B. person +10 for Lauren's sister making Ben cry Important Info: Aaaaand just a few notes about Lauren B.: 1) This week, Lauren B. put up with a weird grilled cheese airplane thing. Not sure if that means she's a keeper, but then again, equally unsure about Ben 2) I actually buy Lauren's statement that Ben will make a great Dad...to a point. Because while he may be great while their kids are young, Lauren's brothers proved that he needs a little bit of work on his awkward prepubescent sex talk preparation. 3) So, Caila is the one with whom Ben has the "deepest" relationship and Jo Jo is the one with whom Ben can be himself. And yet, despite his lack of canned description, it seems to me like Lauren B. is the one he wants to be with

Week 6, The Scores

	Amanda – 30 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Important Info: Do you know what maybe isn't the best thing to say to a chirpy mother of two? "By day it's really hard to prove, but by night, you're the girl I'm really into." You know, unless what he's really into is being awoken in the middle of the night for damp sheets, bad dreams, and glasses of water. Then I guess it's feels more right.
	Becca - 35 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +15 for facing a fear that she didn't even know that she had!! Important Info: Seriously, guys. Robot Becca noticed what was going on with Ben and Lauren B. this week. And as I imagine she's not great at recognizing much in the way of emotions or physical gestures, whatever they opted not to show us had to be exceptionally blatant.
	Caila – 45 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for telling Ben she's falling in love with him...you know...more or less Important Info: My favorite part about Ben's date with Caila was when she said she knew she was falling in love because she felt understood. Caila, the man has three facial expressions. The one he was flashing at you throughout your meal wasn't understanding....
	Emily – 40 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for saying she still has so much life to experience and she wants Ben to experience it with her...not because it was untrue but because it was so, so very ridiculous Important Info: Emily said she was worried that Olivia wouldn't show her true colors on the date, but perhaps she should have also been worried that Olivia wouldn't show them on film. Seriously, what did Olivia do to her besides offer her some (probably much needed) mothering?
	Haley - 10 Bonus: By special request, Haley gets some points for having to continually be Emily's lifeline and offering supportive sisterly consoling. Important Info: Maybe Haley's just having a grand old time wearing all of Emily's clothes and flirting with her ex-boyfriends back home. Because otherwise, Emily is going to owe her, minimally, a kidney when she eventually gets sent home in a couple of weeks. She's asking an awful lot of her twin sister.
	Jennifer – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Jennifer basically is Ben. Strong morals, dark hair, and exceptionally boring. It's hard to know which of these got her sent home, but my money is on number two!
	Jo Jo – 25 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for comparing the pig-ridden island to a bar in Dallas. By Texas bias is strong enough that I can't decide if she was implying that the men are boorish or if there are actually pigs in Dallas bars, but it was a pretty good line nonetheless Important Info: Another source of confusion this week was Jo Jo's rose ceremony breakdown. Ben's always seemed super into her, but then again, he also seems to view her as his best friend, so...maybe she's been subjected to post mortems of his makeout sessions with Lauren that just haven't been appearing on screen?
	Lauren B. – 20 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +5 for crying +5 for misusing the word literally Important Info: I am sympathetic to Lauren's need to incessantly talk about something that's not going super great, but maybe...doing that with girls in the house who you are competing with might have a little something to do with why you are finding yourself less than universally popular?
	Lauren H. – 15 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for admitting that she quit her job Important Info: Poor Lauren! And kindergarten jobs really aren't that easy to find! I just hope she manages to steer clear of Bachelor in Paradise or, as it might be more appropriately named, The Summer Vacation that Will Guarantee You Never Teach Again.
	Leah – 170 +5 for a rose +5 for crying +30 for tattling on Lauren B. +20 for stealing "unsanctioned" time with Ben +100 for getting kicked off outside of game play Bonus: +10 for being edited into making a metaphor about someone else's date while be very sad about not being on said date yourself Important Info: So obviously I was wrong about Leah getting sent home (or perhaps I was just early! Could we even say "advanced?"). But I wasn't wrong about Ben's feelings toward her. Ben wants the women to be honest with him, but that doesn't mean his response to said honesty won't be "Suck it up. There's plenty of time on group dates too."
	Olivia – 75 Eliminated +15 for telling Ben she's in love with him +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +25 for being abandoned on a deserted island (okay so semi-deserted. But I won't deprive you all of points because they caught her producers in the long shot!) Bonus: +20 for the amazing collective statements she made this week in defending why she doesn't get along with the other girls, including: "I'm into reading books and thinking." "I want to talk smart things." (Subtext: Although I'd like to talk about them in grammatically questionable ways) "Deep intellectual things are my jam" "I'm very grounded and in tune with my body" (Wait, what? How is this one relevant? And how in tune with your body can you be if you're not even into painting your nails!?!) Important Info: Amazing though they were, I'm not sure she really thought through the impact her words would have on Ben. It's possible that he was reacting to the arrogance of her saying "All those other women you hang out with are vapid bimbos." But I think his reaction was more along the lines of..."Smart things? Yuck!"

Week 6, The Confusion

So I completely realize that this show isn't a documentary or some sort of live feed of Pandas at the national zoo (although wouldn't we all be considerably happier if it were? Maybe even better?) and that every year, you're going to get a few contestants with particularly harsh or extraordinarily generous edits. And I'm totally okay with that. I don't need to see the humanity behind the villain or the cattiness behind the princess (not that I think the editors cattiness-meters are so carefully calibrated after all these years. Just because Amanda was the one to drop that sweet, silver comment about Lauren H. never coming back doesn't mean that it's not Civil War-era bitchery), but this year, it seems sort of like the person who they are editing to fit their narrative may, in fact, be Ben. And it's leading to a number of "What the #$&@ just happened?" moments. For example, things that confused me this week:

A portrait of Ben. 

Caila: Oh, women! I legitimately believe that is what we were supposed to think this week as we watched Caila stumble through an explanation of how she is falling in love with Ben, yet she fears she can't ever be fully in love, and is scared to break his heart. I think we were supposed to titter at how confusing she was and then marvel at patient, kind, good Ben who is willing to put in the work. But the thing is, Caila wasn't really all that confusing. In fact I can explain her in two words: She's 24. (Is it cheating that one of the words was a contraction? Do you think Ben is judging me? I'm just really complicated in the way that I sometimes count words, you guys). What was confusing was what Ben wanted from her. He said he was worried that he was only getting to know her on the surface because she was happy all the time and hadn't cried with him. And then he decided he did know the real Caila because she really put herself out there by...saying nice things about him. The power dynamic on this show is always pretty messed up, but Ben is sending mixed signals about what exactly he wants. Does he want the women to be serious and deep or does he just want them to be really, really into him? Because as hard as it is to believe, those are not the same thing. Because being really into Ben takes the same emotional depth as liking noodles with butter sauce. Because it seems unfair to expect anyone to talk about her cousin's complicity in a grim series of goldfish suicides in the same breath that she is telling you how amazing you are.

Lauren B.: So, this is probably where the editors most notably failed us. Clearly, throughout that date, something was going on with Lauren B. and Ben. The girls weren't getting all bent out of shape because of the cannibalistic pigs (also just known as pigs) or because Ben brought them to the Bahamas during the height of monsoon season. There was some hard core flirting or canoodling or perhaps light fondling going on visible to the other women but not present on our TV screens. And after a season of the Queen of All Thing subtle, Kaitlyn, I suppose it makes sense that the producers would want to be sure that Ben played his cards a little bit closer to the vest, but...it just seems like they might want to invest some time in energy in coming up with a better story than "things were weird." I suspect that things were actually jealousy and hurt feelings and Ben being sort of a dick, but it is hard to actually discern when they devote more time to the developing relationships between these women and farm animals on screen than they do to that of equally domesticated creature, Ben.


Emily and Olivia: Yeah, okay. So there really wasn't all that much confusion on this date. In fact, pretty much everything about the dreaded 2-on-1 took a page right out of the generic Bachelor playbook. Two ladies that hate each other? Check. One who's really confident and one who's filled with doubt? Check. Stranding someone on a deserted island? Check. Prohibiting anyone from bringing a book even though they will clearly have to spend extended periods of time by themselves, staring off into the middle distance? Probably check. (I cannot confirm with 100% certainty that sneaking deep intellectual things along on dates under her jorts isn't also Olivia's jam). The only thing that troubles me a little is...if someone tells you she loves you and you know you're not into it...are there really circumstances under which making out with her is the appropriate option?

Leah: Apparently there's a girl named Leah on this show?  Which leads us to....

Jo Jo: Okay, okay. As much as I am loath to violate my 50 word maximum on Leah, I'll see if I can do a little bit better than that.

Leah: So I think we can all probably agree that Leah came off looking like a bit of a crazy person. She came on the show, had virtually no connection with Ben (which I think we can all solidly attribute to her failure to say something along the lines of "I just feel so vulnerable with you Ben. I suspect it's because you're just oh so very witty and understanding and attractive"), and then went out of her way to go off half-cocked on Lauren B. even seeking the first ever jealousy-fueled unsanctioned midnight visit. The producers would like you to believe that she manipulated an easily-confused Ben, lied to Lauren B.'s face and ostensibly did it all as a result of not having said enough bitchy things about Olivia to merit a 2-on-1 date. And maybe there isn't anything more to it than that. Maybe she's just acting like a crazy, irrational girl. Or maybe she's acting like a girl who got punched in the face. Remember from the Week 1 "Coming Up" montage Leah's mysterious black eye? Does anyone know for a fact that Lauren B. didn't punch her in the face? Obviously, sudden outbursts of violence wouldn't fit the frontrunner's narrative, but...are we really just expected to act like this was never a thing? Don't they know we have an Olivia-shaped villain hole in our hearts?

Jo Jo: What is most confusing about Jo Jo is that she is a brunette. And let's be real. Ben has a type.

Week 5, The Scores

	Amanda – 100 +20 for a date rose +10 (5 x 2) for date kissing in a hot air balloon + 5 for misuse of the word "literally" (unless I'm wrong and she needs to immediately see a doctor about her inability to stop smiling) +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +30 for tattling on Olivia +10 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +10 for using the fact that she was an unwed 22-year old as her defense against Olivia's accusation of being a "teen mom." Important Info: It's lucky for Amanda that she wakes up looking as put together and perky as she spends the majority of her day, but...it still doesn't answer my question as to why Ben considers asleep at the indecent hour of 5 am to be these girls' "natural state."
	Becca - 10 +10 for kissing on a group date Important Info: I love how Becca's single season on the show has made her into some sort of sage and all-knowing expert, clarifying for the other girls that she's "never before seen a rose get taken away, but Ben's not playing by the rules." Although, I suppose it's possible that at the ripe old age of 26, Becca is one of very few women who are actually old enough to have seen all of the seasons of this show.
	Caila – 10 +10 for kissing on a group date Important Info: I really don't have much of anything to say about Caila this week. I guess it's...too bad...?...that we didn't get more time to see her predatory nature in attacking Ben's face....?
	Emily– 60 +5 for crying +5 for misuse of the word literally +30 for tattling on Olivia Bonus: +10 for expressing the truly questionable belief that telling Ben about Olivia would make their relationship stronger +10 for saying this show makes you dig deep and really find out who you are... Important Info: ...And who Emily is is apparently someone who's not so great. Look, Olivia's fairly terrible. There's no denying that. But unless the producers have been slipping them some footage, there's no real reason why Emily should know that. Emily tattled on Olivia because Emily is jealous. It was petty and it was childish and it was largely baseless. The other girls may feel like Olivia is being manipulative when she says insensitive things and then promises to try harder not to do anything wrong, but I far prefer manipulation born from lunacy than that that stems from sheer hypocrisy.
	Jennifer – 10 Bonus: +10 for saying that Jubilee's Spanish interaction with Ben was "not romantic." Was it really supposed to be romantic given that it happened in front of 8 other girls? Important Info: And speaking of romance in a crowd, according to Jennifer, once she "commits to someone, they have [her] heart and soul forever." Sounds nice, but, I'm just saying, Ben may want to look into just how many other men to whom she's already managed to commit.
	Jo Jo – 25 +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +5 for the childish nonsense about her taco. I can't decide if I would respect her less if the comments were completely innocent or if she knew exactly what she was saying +10 for stealing Ben away in the middle of his speech about Jubilee Important Info: So...Jo Jo seems to be a sincerely nice person, but...are we sure she's not sort of an idiot? First there was her comment about how she was "sure that Jubilee was saying this was the most amazing experience of her life" (which, in a rare miss for the producers, somehow wasn't juxtaposed with a sobbing Jubilee commenting on her own unloveableness). And then they got her telling Ben he only had "10 more breakups to go" before he never had to do it again in his life. Again, lovely sentiment, but....maybe you want to try recounting?
	Jubilee – 105 Eliminated +100 for getting kicked off outside of game play +5 for crying Important Info: Poor Jubilee. I would probably refuse to hold a guy's hand too if he repeatedly called ten other girls beautiful or attractive or amazing and saddled me with "intriguing."
	Lauren B. – 10 +10 for kissing in a group date setting Important Info: Given that we're fast approaching the point in the season where I have to take mid-episode naps lest I get too bored to watch...we can all just agree that Lauren is going to be the winner and go home, right?
	Lauren H. – 70 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for being the first contestant in Bachelor history to discuss a common need for retainers +5 for saying the date was the "best day of her entire life." Seriously, ladies. Have better days! Important Info: Kind of surprisingly, at the end of the date, Lauren H. went down the Jubilee path of saying that Ben might be the only person she's ever met who truly "got her." It's a good thing the target demographic for this show is primarily female because it worries me a little what message this show might be sending to men. Apparently all women need to feel "understood" is a guy who politely nods and introduces nothing of substance to the conversation. And I'm just not totally sure that's the image that all womankind wants to present.
	Leah – 0 Important Info: I hate cliffhangers on this show. They are so very unnecessary. Not only do we have a sense of what is coming next from their near constant "coming up" montages, but...does anyone really think there's any chance Olivia gets sent home in the place of possible selective mute, Leah? Anyone?
	Olivia – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +10 for giving Ben a gift Bonus: +10 for making a teen mom comment about Amanda +5 for immediately and clumsily trying to walk it back Important Info: The worst part about the stupid post-show show is that through their judgmental debriefing (usually an activity that I would support), they have made it abundantly clear that Olivia isn't going to wind up taking the final rose or Ben's heart. And what fun is a villain if she doesn't stand any real chance to win? For the record, the second worst part is that in all their discussion about Olivia being evil, they haven't even covered the most terrifying thing. Apparently she tastes with her stomach. No wonder she keeps trying to steal extra time to inhale Ben's face!

Week 4, The Scores

	Amanda – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying that she wasn't sure that "jumping out of a cake and kicking your legs was a talent." A totally fair statement made slightly less fair by the fact that Amanda's talent was hula hooping! Important Info: I was half tempted to award Amanda pity points for having to awkwardly  sit in the middle of Lauren B. and Ben's post-rose hug, but I decided to let her rest up instead...looks like she's in for a big episode this week!
	Amber – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying Important Info: I have to wonder if part of the sting behind Amber's elimination was yet again playing second (or probably more accurately 13th or 14th) fiddle to Becca. I mean sure, she made a few crazy statements about Ben and her not-so-impending nuptials, but an epic deckchair breakdown of that magnitude just has to have something else behind it.
	Becca - 70 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for being told she was the perfect person for the wedding date +15 for having Ben comment on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for stealing Lace's lifelong dream of having Ben vow to "always look her in the eyes." +10 for Ben asking her if she was okay with him not being a virgin. I know he probably didn't mean it that way, but...part of me wonders if he referenced their "similar faith" and then got worried about what America might think if he failed to clarify just where those similarities ended. Important Info: So ostensibly the producers give the girls guidance for what to wear on their dates. But I am very curious to know how this played out with Becca this week. What guidance was she given? "We're not going to keep you in a wedding dress, but make sure to bring something bridal?" "Wear whatever outfit you would wear to steal the spotlight from a cool half dozen brides?" Is it possible they just said "Break out your white lace caftan" and she had both the capacity and the right kind of can-do attitude to oblige?
	Caila – 40 +5 for a rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +10 for using a puppet to interview Jennifer about her feelings. Now that B.D. Wong is gone, they do need a new psychologist on Law and Order: SVU +5 for "sex panther," obviously Important Info: Although -5 for Ben. If you're going to start out by calling a girl a tigress, then shouldn't it be a sex panthress? Sex pantherina?
	Emily– 60 +5 for a rose +10 for referencing her connection with Ben +20 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness (at the same time as her sister's attractiveness like a creepo) +5 for crying +20 (10 x 2) for kissing on a group date with a "having just abandoned my twin sister" bonus Important Info: Really this is more of an important question, but given that she told us that she lived there approximately 49 times, how is it possible Emily has never seen fireworks from a roof top in Las Vegas? Aren't they available pretty much every night?
	Haley - 150 Eliminated +5 for crying +100 for being kicked off outside of game play +20 for having Ben comment on her attractiveness (see Emily) Bonus: +25 for being dumped in front of her sister, dachshunds, and mom Important Info: I do have to say, I am completely sympathetic to the horrors of bringing a new guy home to photos of your ex. My mom had pictures of my high school boyfriend up in her house until approximately my wedding. And he had ridiculous hockey hair, so you know it wasn't an aesthetic choice!
	Jennifer – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: The girls were bizarrely supportive of Jennifer's move to steal Ben this week. Either Olivia is really terrible, Jennifer is really meek, or Ben just isn't that enjoyable to talk to. I'm also open to it being a mix of all three.
	Jo Jo – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one in front of other girls +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +5 for saying she "would die" if she had a 1-on-1 in Vegas. It turns out she did not. Important Info: Did anyone else notice Jo Jo's vagueness in talking about her ex? She stuck to gender-neutral pronouns and would neither confirm nor deny that any sort of cheating transpired. I can't help but feeling like she may have kept more secrets than she shared!
	Jubilee – 30 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for saying if Becca "hasn't lost her virginity in 26 years, then she's not going to lose it in 6 hours." I'm not sure what I like more. The sheer snarkiness of the comment or the implication that Ben - a man who she just gushed about ad nauseum last week, a man who she credits with understanding her better than anyone else in the world - may have highly questionable motives for taking Becca on a date. Important Info: In case anyone out there was beginning to doubt Jubilee's complexity due to the fact that she has pretty much just repeated that fact for the past three weeks...she also plays the cello!
	Lauren B. – 45 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness Important Info: There's something that comes through as real about Lauren B.'s relationship with Ben, even though they are both approximately as interesting as the safety announcements Lauren is used to making in her day job (assuming she doesn't work for Southwest, I suppose. Did you guys know they keep a fund just for all of the fines they incur for getting creative with the safety regulations? See, we can learn as we mock!) Unfortunately, Ben doesn't seem to see a problem with letting the others girls know this as well. His validating his confidence in Lauren is almost certainly being heard as doubts about practically everyone else. Stop making the speeches Ben!
	Lauren H. – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for dressing up in chicken costume for reasons that were never fully, or really even partially, explained Important Info: I have to say, it's obvious that Lauren H. isn't in this for the long haul given the time spent featuring many of the other girls, but it sort of seems like the producers want to cut her screen time completely and make her into one of those girls who fades into the background but they never quite get there with her because she just keeps doing such adorable things.
	Leah – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: You know, like they've done to Leah.
	Olivia – 60 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for crying +10 for referencing her connection with Ben Bonus: +20 for the whole cake, nervy b, "not wife material" mess. I have to say, the mere prospect of scoring Olivia week after week is really making me tired! +10 for telling Jo Jo Ben reciprocated her feelings of "falling for him" Important Info: Look Olivia's not the nicest to the other girls, but I still wish she had some sort of ally to help her put a halt the downward spiral of self-destruction that she has fallen into. We need her crazy with the girls and confident with Ben, and pulling out the "falling for you" card just feels way, way too soon. Rachel – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying Important Info: Though on her way out, Rachel did alert us to the very important fact that the producers are cheating some of you out of points! Rachel is the only one not to kiss Ben, indeed!