Week 5, The Scores

Well, if the good folks at ABC can't be bothered to take us through a whole week this episode, then I certainly can't be bothered to post more than one blog. I still find myself capable of liking Kaitlyn, if, perhaps, just a little bit leery of her decision-making ability, but I also find myself ready to fast-forward to the end. I mostly watch this show for the drama, to see the choices that atypical people make when put in an equally atypical situation and expected to act like it's dinner and a movie with a girl that came highly recommended by their grandmother's bridge friends. But it seems that, even I, with my cynicism and love of emotional pain (But not physical pain. Can't we all just get our hearts broken at the zoo?) need at least a single iota of belief that this could actually work out to invest in it in any way. And this year, that's been taken away. By taping the happy ending of Kaitlyn's date with Nick, it seems the producers have robbed us of that (and note - I blame the producers here. Kaitlyn is making the choice that many of her forebearers have made, from Thomas Jefferson to Juan Pablo. It was the choice to air it that was unique. And really, really dumb). And as a result, I just find it really hard to care. Kaitlyn may "find love" at the end of this. She may get engaged and be treated to a few months in the tabloids. But with what everyone now knows (rather than what was just the subject of rampant speculation in years past), means she's not getting married to any of these guys. Unless she winds up picking Nick. And does anyone really want her to wind up with Nick? Anyway, on to the scores. If nothing else, at least we can all remain motivated by this season's prize...as you all know, Chris Harrison wrote a book!

	Ben H. – 10 Bonus: +10 for inventing Kaitlyn's fictitious death by pigeons. It's probably not going to make her any more capable of walking through parks, but it was hilarious. Important Info: Ben is normal and sincere and almost certainly about to go from feeling like he's "better at being alive when he's around Kaitlyn" to feeling like he's "better at being alive" when he is as far away as possible from this show.
	Ben Z. – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for facing, if not a personal fear than certainly a personal moment of hell. Important Info: No matter how you look at it the wake date was weird and probably sort of disrespectful. But making Ben Z. come on the date, Ben Z. who probably eulogized his own mother at the age of 12, was just plain wrong. The least Kaitlyn could have done was treat him to a Cranberries concert.
	Chris - 10 +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for creating an Irish lament that included flossing. The Irish are known for their concern about dental hygiene. Important Info: At the start of this episode, dentist Chris shared that he has never once second guessed Kaitlyn. This means very little considering it also seems he didn't second guess the shiny crimson suit he wore for the rose ceremony this week.
	Ian – 65 Eliminated +35 for following through on the threat he made last week and leaving the show. I bet Kaitlyn is pissed she didn't get to kick him off. Bonus: +20 for his inspired limo plug for being the next Bachelor. Something tells me this isn't going to happen... +10 for saying "I need to have sex." Spoken like the deepest of intellectual greats. Important Info: While Ian can probably take some comfort in the fact that Kaitlyn admitted that she is not as deep as he is, I just want to go on record as saying that he definitely could have learned himself some dumb movie quotes at Princeton. I'm sure they have a pretentious eating club devoted to that.
	Jared – 50 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing in two group date setting +5 for being treated to a private concert of a band I have heard of. Important Info: With Shawn falling apart and Nick...being Nick, it seems like Jared is emerging as the new front runner. Too bad any momentum he has is going to be cut off at the needs by the aftermath of the sex scandal.
	J. J. – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Now that J.J. has relinquished his role as villain, he's been able to devote himself full-time to being the show's Shawn whisperer. This week, he sagely noted that Shawn could use a good cry.
	Joe – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for validating how special Nick must feel before throwing in the clever little jab about Shawn's similar treatment in earlier weeks. Important Info: I cannot wait to see Joe destroy J.J. in the two-on-one next week. I just really hope it doesn't get overshadowed by the far less interesting ongoing saga of Nick.
	Joshua – 20 Eliminated +20 (10 x 2) for crying while having to listen to other men cheering Important Info: I look forward to seeing Joe make a quick connection with and then almost immediately feel stifled by on of the clingier of the ladies on Bachelor in Paradise.
	Justin – 0 Eliminated Important Info: According to Kaitlyn, she's never had so many people question her. But clearly Justin's unshakable faith in her was only enough to earn him a one-week stay of execution. Seems like everyone might as well keep doubting her! Nick – 100 +15 for kissing in a group date setting in front of Shawn +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +20 for date rose +50 for non-sanctioned fantasy suite activities +10 for giving Kaitlyn a gift Important Info: Nick really had a banner week. From swooping in to take advantage of the Ian situation, to casually but repeatedly mentioning the quality time he spent in Kaitlyn's room, the man was at his manipulative best, subtle but always in control. And if his manipulations were subtle, even harder to detect is what is it about Nick that allows him to win over, at the very least, the vaginas of all these girls. But clearly both Andi and Kaitlyn were really feeling his "passion," so it must be something that just doesn't translate well to our TVs.
	Shawn – 60 +10 for kissing in a group date setting +15 for threatening to leave and not yet following through +20 for stealing unsanctioned time with Kaitlyn Bonus: +5 for sharing pictures of his family +10 for offhandedly attributing his trust issues to his parents terrible divorce. Important Info: Sean says he's not a fake person, and I believe him. In part because I'm not sure he's smart enough to pull off something on the scale of Nick's trickery, but also just because he extreme reactions have been those of someone who doesn't understand that this is all a game. However, I worry his realness and sincerity is going to land him a slot as the next Bachelor, and, unless he has a secret personality that he's been hiding away, I just really, really can't. I think I'd prefer Ian. For real.
	Tanner – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for a brilliant poem about Kaitlyn not knowing who he was. Important Info: Also a highly insightful poem....

Week 4, The Scores

	Ben H. – 60 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness Bonus: +5 for having an absolutely classic white boy dancing face. Important Info: If they really wanted to make a run at the title, wouldn't it perhaps have been better to learn more than one dance? Despite their underpreparedness, Ben H. did mention that he and Kaitlyn connected on a level that was hard to describe. My best guess is that it's the level for people who both struggle with describing things...
	Ben Z. – 5 +5 for a rose Bonus: I award Ben Z. no points for completely throwing Joshua under the bus. Which just goes to show that tattling always pays! Important Info: I'm not sure if Ben Z. and Kaitlyn's relationship didn't do much to progress this week or  if Ben Z. just isn't all that into her. At least, unlike Ian, Ben Z. has the savvy not to rate Kaitlyn's appearance in comparison to his ex-girlfriends'. I do wonder how many hours of footage they edited out this week that was just Ben Z. talking about how he used to play football.
	Chris - 0 This is strange...I feel like I just have to write something in this space here. Did you guys know they made a lifetime movie with Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig? Important Info: The producers correctly judged that after so much of him last week, we could all do with a little bit of a break from smiley smug-faced Chris. Or maybe the man's just not as charismatic when he's been stripped of his harem pants.
	Corey – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Look, obviously, they need Corey's volleyball skills on the Mexico beach. But do we know if there's any sort of mental instability that he's prepared to bring? No! The cliffhanger format that they've been over-utilizing this year may keep us coming back from week to week, but it also robs us of tearful limo breakdowns from men that we've never seen speak. Unless they all got themselves into some sort of a blood oath with Kupah and the whole format is a workaround for repeated petulant performances...
	Ian – 90 +5 for a rose +15 for threatening to leave the show. Whether he will also receive points for following through remains to be seen Bonus: +15 for noting that he has "a voice, a brain, and a heart" and scoring the first of this seasons "If you have to say it about yourself, then it's probably not true" points. +15 for sharing the he has a lot of sex +15 for asking if Kaitlyn is there for the right reasons +25 arrogance point. Like intoxication, this is clearly on a sliding scale, and Ian's night was clearly the equivalent to drunkenly twerking up against a wall before falling out of a pool in his man panties. Strong work this week, Princeton! Important Info: I've already devoted some time to the producer's tear down of Ian this week and their efforts to make him look like he was pouting because he didn't get the girl, but lest their remains any doubt in your mind that he was merely a willing accomplice in his own character assassination...they also made him sit down for a weirdly forced heart-to-heart with everyone's favorite villain, Nick. You don't bare your soul to Nick unless the color of the soul is EVIL.
	Jared – 25 +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for saying that he is "falling in love" with Kaitlyn. Important Info: So...one of the side effects of pulling together prospect reports for the league is that I have watched the "This Season on the Bachelorette" montage at least a dozen times. And as a result, I can say with some certainty that some of the implied sexy times footage was footage of her and Jared breaking in her hotel room this week. That doesn't necessarily mean we're not in for some serious slut-shaming next week, but it does seem like Jared is less likely to be the culprit and it leads me to believe that the event in question may be less dramatic than they're trying to make it seem. Grantland has done even more work that I have analyzing this (possibly because it is, in fact, a job that they are paid for), and they even went so far as to helpfully suggest that her confession of pre-fantasy suite sexual relations might have actually just been to Chris Harrison. Also, before the grossness gets started, I just want to say....remember less year with Chris took a "nap" with Britt? Remember how absolutely nothing was made of that aside from a few eye rolls from the other girls? Thank goodness that disgusting double standards exist!
	J. J. – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for playing the guitar and plugging his "talent" Important Info: I'm not sure that we've ever seen someone unvillain themselves in the way in which J.J. has, but I suppose we have to allow for the fact that he's still in mourning over cliff. I just want it to be known, on the record, that I am incredibly disappointed in J.J. for not seizing the opportunity of "running the bases" with Kaitlyn to make a highly inappropriate metaphor about love.
	Joe – 25 +5 for a rose +15 for kissing in a group setting deliberately in front of other people Bonus: +5 for what was easily the best pun of the night with "will you mariachi me?" Important Info: There really wasn't enough Joe in this episode for my taste. That is all.
	Joshua – 70 +5 for a rose +30 for tattling on Nick +10 for asking whether Nick is there for the right reasons +10 for crying Bonus: +15 for accidentally tattling on EVERYONE else Important Info: Do you know what you don't do to a guy that you like? Make him look about 47 times uglier that he usually does. Even in a world where Joshua's mohawk worked out, Kaitlyn wouldn't have been improving upon the looks of a pretty classically handsome man. It's clear that he wasn't long for this world regardless, and I suppose he gets some kudos. Because at least if he's going down, he's doing his damnedest to help out those of you who drafted him with some points!
	Justin – 15 Bonus: +5 from earning a "Damn!" from Kaitlyn +10 for adding insult to injury by shaking hands with Nick over Joshua's back Important Info: Kaitlyn was obviously impressed and mildly aroused by Justin's surprisingly low and weirdly skillful mariachi voice, but...was anyone else just totally distracted by how unnecessary and mildly racist his fake accent was? Nick – 55 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn Bonus: +10 for rhyming "connection" with "erection" and for clearly knowing his audience. Important Info: So, say what you will about Nick, but he does absolutely understand how this game should be played. It's still hard for me to find what's likable about him per se, but the moves he makes, at times, approach brilliance. Outside of maybe Ben H. and Shawn, he was one of the few guys with forward momentum this week (Ben Z. should be disappointed in himself. There's no way he shouldn't be able to put a block on the far scrawnier Nick. He used to play football this week), but ultimately, I have to say that I can't possibly believe he's going to win. This show has far too long of a history of mistreatment to people who admit to being smart.
	Ryan – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Perhaps the bromance that they failed to capture on film was the one between Joshua and Ryan...It really did seem like all the other guys came around pretty quickly the moment they realized Nick pretty much just took the spot of guys that were dead weight. Joshua just noticed that he took the place of Ryan.
	Shawn – 110 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +10 for making Kaitlyn cry +10 for revealing a personality tragedy +15 for saying he was falling in love Bonus: +15 for Kaitlyn highly specifically commenting on the attractiveness of his smell +5 for believing something at over 100% - I am also immediately adding this to the rules list Important Info: Aaaaand, if ever there was any doubt that things probably weren't going to work out with frontrunner and first impression rose winner Shawn, this week when he confessed his love (or at least his impending love) for Kaitlyn, she said it back. That is pretty much a guarantee that he won't be the guy standing at the end as proven by Des and Brooks. Unless a confession of love is somehow seen as less serious than non-Chris Harrison-sanctioned sex.
	Tanner – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for asking whether Nick is there for the right reasons Bonus: +10 for admitting to having read the tabloids... Important Info: And also for having my favorite line of the night "We all read the tabloids." Really, Tanner? All of you? Because I was under the understanding that some of you pretty much exclusively patronized Men's Health for your literary needs...and in some cases, just to look at the pictures.

Week 4, The Unattractiving

Though it appears I am wearing some sort of clever disguise,
in fact, this is just how I photograph.

Look, I'm terribly unphotogenic. I inevitably turn up on film with chins I don't have, arms the size of Ben Z.'s, and sometimes, inexplicably, a mullet. I'm so unphotogenic that (true story) a giant bounce once beheld my driver's license and cowered from me in mock fear. I'm so unphotogenic that amusement parks don't even offer me overpriced snaps from their roller coaster's heights to avoid the risk of scaring other customers away. I'm so unphotogenic that even my husband regularly comments on my unphotographability and I don't even get mad at him. Which is why, when they post the bios of the prospective bachelors at the start of the year, I try no to judge them for appearing a bit...less than handsome (I don't try very hard, but at least, like all the best bullies and teenage girls, we can blame my poor behavior on deep psychological pain stemming, in my case, from fourteen years of class picture day). After all, I imagine they've watched far less America's Next Top Model than their female counterparts. I can't expect them to know their angles or just be endowed with some sort of natural, God-given talent for smizing. Plus, the producers usually spend the remainder of the season making the guys seem attractive (obviously, bu giving the fake offspring on which to dote and laureate-level poetry-writing seminars), so those first impressions (first revulsions?) are fairly quick to fade away. This year, though, and in this episode in particular, the producers seem to be taking the road less traveled (perhaps one of them finally stayed awake for the end of the poetry seminar...?), and are moving the men in the opposite direction, transforming them to make them into somehow less appealing men in a special one night even that will henceforth be referred to as The Unattractiving. Let's take a look at the week's victims:

Joshua: Joshua was both the first and the least subtle of the night's victims. None of the men were exactly helped by the mariachi singing (except, perhaps, for Joe who seemed to take very seriously the sage advice he received from a 12 year old boy. I have to assume said advice included the phrase "touch her boobies"), but Joshua was obviously the one to really suffer from the outcome of the group date. And as if his tattling, his inability to follow Nick's fairly simple and reasonably sound logic, his poorly-timed choice to lie to all of the guys, and subsequent abandonment by his peers had any chance of leaving his personal image in tact, the producers took steps to ruin his physical image as well. And lest there is any doubt in any of your minds that Joshua's "haircut" was the producers' doing, we need only look at the appearance of the scissors and razor that Joshua certainly couldn't have been smuggling in those restrictive Mariachi pants. Not only do I imagine that the Bachelor mansion packing rules are even stricter than TSA's (although unlike TSA, I imagine they're significantly more forgiving of massive containers of white powder. The risk of an occasional anthrax outbreak is a small price to pay for making sure everyone can get their protein shake on after hitting the gym), but I also can't imagine every corner of San Antonio sports a CVS (Only joking. Of course it does! After all, it's the city of Kaitlyn's dreams!). I still find myself feeling somewhat fond of Joshua, but after this week, it might just be better to have him put out of his misery, it seems. At least that way he's got a shot at finding a barber who can work miracles before Bachelor in Paradise begins.

"I am making even my own eyes veeeery sleepy with my
monotone."

Shawn: So...this one wasn't on purpose, I'm sure, but it seems like a whole one-on-one date's worth of exposure to Shawn is just way too much. Their chemistry is clearly off the charts (the Nobel-Luyendyk chart named, of course, for famed chemist, Alfred Nobel, and only slightly less famed former reality show contestant and fake dater of Courtney Robertson, Arie Luyendyk. Someday, I'm sure he too will have a highly coveted award for great achievements in throwing women up against walls or something) but outside of his physical appearance (which - big thanks to J.J. for pointing out - can be ruined by a simple jaw clench) and his rare understanding of the meaning of the word "literally," it's honestly a little hard to tell why. it seems a night spent with him guarantees merely a recitation of platitudes that we've heard many times before from other men, only spoken with far, far less inflection in his voice. And while I am certainly glad he presented us with an important "wear your seatbelt" PSA, my big fear at this point is that he will wind up being the next Bachelor.

"In many ways, being this uninterested in Kaitlyn just
leaves me with more time to think about my own incredible
assets."

Ian: I have no doubt that Ian is actually smart but apparently not smart enough to prevent the producers from majorly outfoxing him I also have no doubt that Ian is actually arrogant and that it took only the tiniest of shoves (perhaps a tour of his lookbook or a suggestion that he perhaps has not had a lot of sex?) to push him over the edge. What bothers me, though, is the clumsy logic statement that they seem to expect us to swallow. Ian is arrogant. Ian is not interested in Kailtyn. Therefore people who don't like Kaitlyn are arrogant. Not only is it flawed, but it's insulting to expect us not to understand that sometimes people who both have redeeming features don't fall in love and produce rose babies. It's obviously an attempt to cheapen his qualms about Kaitlyn, that she's shallow and not that interesting and (heaven forfend!) not deep, but it's also confusing. Because if they want us or the guys for that matter to keep Kaitlyn up on the pedestal which is her bachelorettely due then they should maybe, you know, stop showing us the incredibly poor decisions she seems to be making every week. And they should definitely stop assuming that "Ian is an ass. Assholes say mean things that aren't true. Therefore Ian's statements about Kaitlyn cannot possibly be true." is where their audience's logic statement ends.

Weeks 1-3, The Scores

I don't think I have it in me to devote any more time agonizing about Nick, and let's face it, that was pretty much all this week's episode was about (well, that and a chance for Ashley S. to prove she's not entirely crazy and for Kardashley to prove that she's still got a sternum and breasts). So rather than sharing my thoughts on the episode in another post, I figured I'd dive right in to the very delinquent scores with a bit of bonus material on how I feel about each of this season's guys. Oh and also one other thing for Kaitlyn that I just need to get off my chest: If you really think Aladdin is the perfect love story, why on earth would you agree to go on The Bachelorette?

	Ben H. – 55 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +10 for plugging his work with kids (it's obviously not a modeling career, but it a repeated theme) +10 for pointing out that Chris must be a cuddler. He is as astute as he is charitable! Important Info: Ben H. seems perhaps like the "realest" of the guys. He might ever so slightly overestimate his devotion to kids (as well as he did teaching sex ed, those kids were just as inappropriately aged for the phrase "when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much" as they were for the content itself), but he's funny without being a ham, earnest without being annoying, and bumbling in most charming of ways. I would totally be the guy who broke the window if I went on this show, and that combined with the fact that he looks like he should be playing the nonthreatening male lead on a late 90s teenage melodrama won him my backing, at least for the time being.
	Ben Z. – 115 +40 (20 x 2) for two date roses +30 (15 x 2) for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a hot tub bonus +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for facing a fear +10 for making metaphors about love based on his date Bonus: +20 for referencing his football career. This is higher than your standard reference because it is a career that happened in the past. And ended in failing to make an NFL team. And he does it really a lot. Important Info: So, I don't quite know what to think of Ben Z. On the one hand, I just wish that someone (anyone!) would tell me if he possibly used to play football....But on the other hand, he is very sweet and sincere about his love for his mom. But on the other  hand (by the way, does anyone have a spare hand they can lend me), I almost feel like you can see the producers pulling his strings a little bit too much. There's just no other reasonable explanation for the amount of time he spends processing his mom's death in conjunction with the amount of time he spends suggesting that he's emotionally repressed about the whole experience. For the time being, though, I shall give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis of one simple soundbite: "We don't know what Chris Harrison is capable of," Ben Z. said as he began his one-on-one with Kaitlyn. No one does, Ben, I say in rely. And we are all very, very afraid.
	Chris - 45 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for unintentional nudity Bonus: +10 for intentional semi-nudity when he decided to awkwardly strip on stage during his stand-up act. I bet law students/stripper Josh was pissed that that display seemed to be deemed worth of Kaitlyn's heart. Important Info: So, maybe it's just me but...in the span of just three short weeks, it seems Chris has gone from dorkily adorable to wussily cute to so grating I can no longer find him in any way appealing. My list of complains are many. First there's his over-eagerness for princesses and magic carpet rides and things that just generally shouldn't make grown men tick (not even in the shower). Then there's the fact that he made Kaitlyn stand silently and "appreciate the moment." (Maybe she wanted to appreciate the moment while reciting dirty limericks. Maybe she wanted to appreciate it while eating a sandwich. I personally would have appreciated it the most while punching you in your stupid condescending face, which just goes to show, you probably shouldn't dictate how people enjoy things!). But I think by far the worst of his offenses was that he called the New Year's Eve ball in Times Square a "sacred place," and now I'm forced to suspect that he's a satanist as Times Square has gotta be the closest things there is to hell on earth. At least we can look forward to week 5 when he puts on some death metal and reveals his sigil of Lucifer tattoo.
	Clint – 165 Eliminated +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +5 for unintentional nudity +10 for threatening physical violence +100 for being kicked off the show outside of game play Important Info: It'shot su pretty telling that Clint's relationship with J.J. followed the exact same trajectory as his relationship with Kaitlyn. It was all sunshine and roses until a perceived moment of betrayal and then it was like someone flipped a switch and J.J. was dead to him. I'm not saying that J.J. didn't deserve the reaction. His demanding an apology from Clint was less of an act of self-preservation that it was wholly unnecessary. But it does seem it wasn't just Justin who got a taste of Clint and it certainly wasn't his Jameson we were tasting.
	Corey – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: There's really not much to say about Corey except...was it maybe a little too soon for him to lay in J.J. about Clint's departure during the rap battle?
	Cory - 15 Eliminated +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness Important Info: There's even less to say about Cory. Literally the only thing I've written down about the guy is "has daughter." If you're going to go to the trouble of recruiting multiple Coreys, shouldn't you make sure at least one of them can talk?
	Daniel – 10 Eliminated Bonus: +10 for saying he fights like he was wearing a tutu with teacups in his boxing gloves. Important Info: I have to say, I was actually sad to see the back of Daniel. Going in, I was a little concerned about him given that his photo makes him look like a particular smarmy magician and his job as a "fashion designed" made me fear we might have another pantsaprenuer on our hands. But Daniel proved to be normal and funny and sort of charming, and it's not super clear to me why Kaitlyn dismissed him while keeping some of the other dead weight around. I do have to admit, though, when she was reduced to incoherence and beaming and then immediately ditched him upon receiving Jared's note, it was pretty clear the poor guy wasn't long for the show.
	Ian – 60 +5 for a rose +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 for kissing in a group setting +10 for questioning if people are here for the right reasons Bonus: +10 for weirdly plugging his own singing talent.... Important Info: Despite his many charms and impressive mediation skills, it seems to becoming increasingly clear that Kaitlyn and Ian probably aren't meant to be. He claims to be the least funny guy in the house while repeatedly proving he's almost certainly the smartest. And that just...doesn't really seem like a combination Kaitlyn really wants. Plus, it's clear we all need to gird ourselves for Ian questioning Kaitlyn next week, and we all know how she feels about being challenged! On a scale from 1-Kupah, he's probably just a few chin pubes shy of having a guaranteed limo ride out next week.
	Jared – 140 +5 for a rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing on a group date +25 for requiring medical attention +30 (15 x 2) for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in a one-on-one setting with a helicopter bonus +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection to Kaitlyn +10 for writing Kaitlyn a poem Bonus: +15 for making up a rap about pubes Important Info: I also want to award Jared about a million points for telling Kaitlyn he didn't really want to talk about Nick and bringing her back down to earth, but you all know my policy on awarding points for sensible decision making! What's clear is that Jared is one of the frontrunners perhaps even more so than someone like Shawn. He grounds Kaitlyn, they have delightful back and forths, and ABC seems to be airing a whole lot more of their makeout time than any of the other gents (I've decided, based on basically nothing, that Kaitlyn is pretty much just kissing everyone all the time, but ABC feels the need to cut it back so that she confirms their high standards for bachelorettes who are boring and chaste). There was even a moment where their goofy banter made me wish we got to see a few more "real connections" on one-on-one dates this year. But the most important question that Jared raised in my mind came when he was swept away for his helicopter ride which was....have they gotten rid of concerts by random artists no one has ever heard of this year?
	J. J. – 125 +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one +10 for kissing on a group date setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +20 (10 x 2) for saying he didn't come here to make friends +5 for unintentional nudity +15 for crying so much he felt he had to slap himself in the face to rebound from it +5 for misusing the word literally ("I've literally listening to zero rap" is a particularly egregious one after we've literally just watched you doing just that) Bonus: +10 for committing the most vile offense of stealing Kaitlyn when she already had a rose +5 for saying that he loves Japanese culture and then proving it by only being able to come up with Sushi as a Japanese thing Important Info: In some ways, J.J. is something of a strange mix for a villain. He's perhaps even overly self-aware of his dastardly acts and yet it seems his quest to woo Kaitlyn is real (or, at least, as real as you can make the decision to come on reality TV to find a new stepmommy for your little girl...). In some ways, he seems more in keeping with the villains on the Bachelor rather than those we see on the Bachelorette, the women who are out to destroy their competition but still absolutely want the ring. And it does do a bit to highlight the further sexist antics of a show that made it very clear this season it's not entirely convinced that women get to do the same type of choosing as the men. The one thing that I feel like I can say, for certain, about J. J. though is that he must be the one guy who's absolutely pumped about the arrival of Nick.
	Joe – 60 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +15 for so much unintentional nudity it basically became intentional +10 for calling Kaitlyn a pet name Bonus: +5 because that pet name was in the context of apologizing for the presence of his balls  Important Info: I know I called him slightly vampiric, but I actually really, really like Joe. He's country without being hickish, bashful without being meek, and I'm pretty sure he's the one who threatened Nick with the "7 minutes of cardio" he accomplished that day. I don't really think he's Kaitlyn's guy, but I do think she'll keep him around until she realizes he's going to get hurt. Just because who doesn't want to hear "Well, I'll be" as a prologue to a kiss.
	Joshua – 35 +5 for a rose +30 for tattling on Clint Important Info: And if I really, really like Joe, than I love Joshua. I love his blushing, stammering description of menstruation; I love that he learned about sex from cows; I didn't even think his singing voice was all that bad. He's losing Kaitlyn's interest, mostly because he hasn't recently slammed her up against any walls, but I think he might be the best remaining mix of clever and attractive and kind.
	Justin – 75 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +10 for sharing that he has a son +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +10 for kissing in a group setting Important Info: For me, Justin serves less as a man and more as an essential piece of evidence. He offers concrete proof that a) Kaitlyn is very attracted to not be questioning, and b) she has gotta be spending a lot of time kissing everyone. Nick – 110 +100 for showing up uninvited +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in a one-on-one setting Important Info: Sigh. I suppose we sort of have to get into this. So, let me just start by saying that I don't really get Nick. I don't really care about his alleged scheming or over-analyzing the game, and I'd probably even allow that his slut-shaming of Andi came from an uncontrolled emotional place. But even ignoring those things, he's wormy and condescending and doesn't do nearly enough moving of his mouth when he talks for my personal taste. But even if we pretend that he is a former contestant that I actually liked like a Dylan or a Jake Pavelka (I kid...oh, how I kid!), it's pretty undeniable that Kaitlyn made a terrible choice in letting him on the show. Her argument that there's a connection there and she wouldn't want to choose her husband without putting that connection to the test actually sounds pretty rational, unless you take any time whatsoever to think about it in the context of real life. Lots of people have someone in their life that they've always wondered about but with whom the timing never worked out, a childhood friend or the one who got away. And yet those people manage to get married and have successful romantic relationships with some regularity. Does a part of them always wonder? Perhaps. And yet they live their lives, successfully recognizing that there's no choose-your-own-adventure style guide that let's you learn the outcomes of all the paths you don't take (although I feel somewhat confident that this particular path will end with Kaitlyn being sacrificed on a alter in the temple of the Sun God Ra). I think Kaitlyn made a bad choice that is clearly going to upset a lot of the men who are already putting up with quite a lot, and I'm not convinced that watching the aftermath as she tries to rebuild their trust is going to make for particularly enjoyable TV. What would have been absolutely fascinating, though, would be if Kaitlyn had opted to run away with Nick and the producers had been forced to bring back Britt.
	Ryan – 20 +5 for a rose +5 for playing a prank on Justin Bonus: +10 for fielding what was, by far the most awkward question for the group of sex fiend kids and putting up with light heckling from the teacher with aplomb. Important Info: You can tell Ryan's not long for this competition by the pep talk he gave the other guys about how to best win Kaitlyn's heart by setting aside the looming threat of Nick. That being said, I think he might be a dark horse candidate to put up a super strong Men Tell All followed by a Bachelor in Paradise stint.
	Shawn – 65 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for unintentional nudity +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn Important Info: So, I have to concede, there really is just something about Shawn. I know this to be true because despite the fact that he made it through the first two weeks without saying more than a handful of words and that he proved in the third week to be the slowest rapper in all of the Western World (and globally, there might be a Buddhist monk or two somewhere in Tibet who are slower. But that's only if you don't make exemptions for vows of silence), I keep bracing because it seems like Kaitlyn is on the verge of messing things up with Shawn. Not with the thirteen other guys who are currently vying for her heart but very specifically with Shawn. I can't explain it, but there is something about the man that makes me feel like it is he and not Kaitlyn, who is really this season's prize.
	Tanner – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 sheer petulance points for calling Justin's rose the least meaningful in the history of the show. Important Info: After pretty much laying low in weeks 1 and 2, Tanner decided to turn up whiny in week 3. I'm not saying that his criticisms of Nick weren't valid (though I do kind hope he winds up sticking around for Kaitlyn's own slut-shame-ry so we can see if hypocrisy's on his list), but I am saying there is something decidedly unmanly about saying you can't be trusted not to "antagonize" someone as if that is a real threat.
	Tony – 90 Eliminated +5 for a rose +5 for unintentional nudity +50 threatening to leave the show and following through Bonus: +15 for accidentally referring to Kaitlyn as "Britt" +5 for making the ultimate sacrifice of leaving his bonsai trees to come on the show. I'm only half joking. Those things are really, really hard to raise! +10 for the most ridiculous stand-up of all time...and let's just throw in all the equally ridiculous comments he made throughout the first two episodes as well Important Info: I've already talked a bit about Tony, but at the end of the day, his tenure on the show mostly just made me feel really, really sad. If only there was some sort of animal noise-making competition that aired on this program to cheer me up...but alas without Tony's visionary presence, I fear that may never happen...

Weeks 1 and 2, Some Preliminary Thoughts

I'll be throwing together some consolidated scores for Weeks 1-3 later this week, but it just didn't seem right to let such a brilliant beginning to the season pass without commemorating it. I watched the two episodes back-to-back (and so help me, Harrison, if there is a very special two night event this week, I will end you), so naturally, I no longer have the ability to form coherent sentences. So here, in just a few bullets, are some patterns, I saw emerge in these first league weeks:

Things Kaitlyn Likes:

Men who Take Control: It's not easy to find a pattern in Kaitlyn's attraction. The girl clearly doesn't have a time. From the bulky, meat-heady Ben Z. to the gentle, believer-than-the-children-are-our-future Ben H. (maybe it's...just guys named Ben?), whether it's the smarmy, smug J.J. or the bumbling and slightly vampiric Joe, she seems to like 'em best when they're mauling her face (you know, with their tongues. not, like, with a meat tenderizer or anything).

Men who Just Have that Something...I can't Really Describe It...: Perhaps I'm having a hard time identifying Kaitlyn's type because this is how she describes pretty much every single one of the guys she likes. Don't get me wrong, so far, I'm fidning Kaitlyn quite delightful, but at a certain point, its gotta be less about the potency of these guy's intangibles and more about a desperate need for Kaitlyn to use her words.

Hockey: So...obviously, I coul be making a bit of an assumption here based on her Canadian citizenship, but..is there really any other way to explain her ongoing attraction to J.J.? Also, not even joking, I just did some light googling and she apparently actually used to date an Edmonton Oiler. It seems more and more likely that she's just using this experience to parlay that relationship into someone who plays for a not-entirely-terrible team.

I dare you to come up with a better use for my time than
finding this screen shot...

Naked Male Aggression: I mean...why can't they all just go to the zoo? Look, I don't want to go full-Tony here. I get that the sumo wrestling was largely silly and fun (the excited sumo wrestler sneaking into the house pretty much ade the entire season for me). But that doesn't change the fact that the first two
epsiodes featured sme sort of fighting date. And I gotta think that has a whole lot to do with item #1 (and lest you think I'm criticizing Kaitlyn unfairly, also evolutionary biology).

Naked Males: Testicles and all.

Things Kaitlyn Doesn't Like:

One of these is the face of a man who feels deep, deep shame

Birds: And I gotta say, while I see the need for Chris Harrison to step up his hosting game after Jimmy Kimmel knocked it out of the park, it also seems like he could have achieved the same effect by sending Kaitlyn to any public square. Though perhaps with considerably fewer obvious metaphors about love.

Drama: Which for the record, rhymes with Alabama and Spin-o-rama not with Barack Obama. Nobody likes drama (you know, assuming we're ignoring the show's producers me, Daniel Day Lewis...), and poor Kaitlyn really seems to have gotten more than her fair share of it in the first couple of episodes this season. So let's take a little bit of a deeper look (sub-bullet deep, where dwell the creatures of no eyes and translucent skin...creatures named Clint...) at the horrors Kaitlyn has endured in these past few weeks:

Though hilariously,
somehow in this picture,
producer Howard looks like
he and Kupah have just been
caught necking....

     Kupah: I've mentioned that so far, I like Kaitlyn as the Bachelorette. And yet, even she does not appear to be immune to the heady power that comes along with the role. I think I talked abou tthis already a couple of seasons ago with Andi, but there's something very wrong with declaring a man an inappropriate candidate for lifelong partnership because he dared question you. That being said, while challenging a person doesn't seem like adequate grounds for dismissal, lashing out in half-drunk rage at an innocent producer (who, all he wanted to do was just go to work, look like Howard really wanted to be helpful, he would start setting up dates where the men debated immigration reform while being incessantly flicked in the earlobes by fans of their rival sports teams, you know, just to weed any other potential Kupahs out.
Stern, and make sure that everyone was there for the right reasons) probably is. If Chris Harrison

    Tony: Well, chalk up another neary criminal failure for the Bachelor psychologist. Tony may have the eyes of a child, the soul of a warrior, and the toenail clippings of a gypsy he met on the greyhound, but he also has the psyche of someone too unfunny and sad to make any sort of cheap joke about. Kaitlyn even alluded to his tragic past about which, clearly only she got to learn. Beacuse it seems they are legally obligated to give people an edit that suggests that they are electively strange rather than mentally unwell.

Clint: Oh, Clint, lover of the triceratops, how gravely you disappoint me. I don't care about his bromance with J.J.  or the grossly self-interested edit they're clearly giving him to generate buzz over his sexuality. But the speed at which he flipped the switch on how he felt abbout Kaitlyn was petulant at best. With tantrums like that, it seems a favorite dinosaur isn't the only thing he has in common with someone who carries around a security blanket (a security blanket named J. J.).

This one is already doing her best to emulate Jessie Spano, and
I think we all know how that turned out...ahem, Showgirls.

One-on-One Dates: Which I thank her for. I'm not entirely convinced I wouldn't still watch if blushing men, stammering out scientific names for the female reproductive system was the whole show. Although shame on all of those parents for enabling my enjoyment at their children's expense. At least one of those kids is heading straight to the gutter of humanity and will be the most dramatic contestant ever on Season 43 of the Bachelor.

People Who Claim to be Smarter than Everyone Else and then Prove it by Making up Incomprehensible Verbs: Okay...this one might just be me. But what can I say? Judgemental fantasy league commissioners who enjoy making a sport out of the misery of assholes gotta vill.