Week 1: The Draft: Limo 4 Prospect Report

Because I aim to be nothing but helpful (it's true. Everywhere I go, people follow me and say. "See that girl? Boy is she helpful!"....at least that's what I've always assumed the word "mean" means), and because I don't want to kick off this season with yet another diatribe about Desiree, I'm going to start this round of the league by handicapping the prospects for this weekend's draft using a complicated statistic that I've developed based equally on my mathematical acumen (I test at roughly a 7th grade level) and my pension for complete BS.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.

Chris - SP: 118

Attraction (a): 5
  
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 8
  This one actually surprised me because I completely forgot that Chris existed by the time I got around to really breaking down the "Coming Up" scenes. I kept yelling, "Who is that?" at my computer screen (while

my husband yelled back "Why are you doing this?," the existential implications of which, I'm not sure he entirely intended) each time Chris made an appearance. I think Chris could be a dark horse for this season, the slow burn that violates all kinds of physics by picking up momentum only to fizzle (ah, science!).

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 3
  Desiree seemed to really like the whole fake proposal, tying shoe thing. I'm not sure she wouldn't have liked it if he had actually proposed. Lady, we know you're "ready," but you are 24. Calm down!

Background (B): 0

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2

Mike R. - SP: 0

Attraction (a): 2
  Des didn't really seem interested, but she did seem like she might be up for watching Grey's Anatomy with Mike so that she could point out all the men she found hotter than him.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 5
 And speaking of Grey's Anatomy, did I miss the part where it was about dentists?  Not that I'm trying to be a snob - I enjoy getting my teeth cleaned and having surgery on a major organ roughly equally - but in some ways, Mike's lucky he got sent home on the first night before Desiree sustained some kind of flesh wound and he had to awkwardly explain why sutures weren't really his thing.

Background (B): 0
  Somewhere, in a land far, far away, I can hear Larry's mother saying, "See Larry. The dentist gets it."

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2

Robert - SP: 12

Attraction (a): 7
  Robert looks a little bit like the feminine love child of Ben and Drew, and Desiree seems to really be into those guys, so....Also, when he made a big show of taking his tie off, Desiree seemed eager to see a few more articles of clothing go, so that's gotta be a pretty good sign.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 1
 Sadly, after night one, Robert seems to immediately disappear.  More accurately, he seems to have disappeared pretty much the moment he went through the door to the Bachelor mansion. Maybe he's Chris Harrison in disguise.  Chris, what did we tell you about taking your responsibilities more seriously!

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 1
  This was only awkward because Desiree's dress didn't have any pockets, so she couldn't bring her wad of singles.

Background (B): 1
  I actually completely forget that they even gave us a profile on Robert until I was taking screen shots.  But now that I've been reminded, this guy is 30.  Is it possible that sign spinning hasn't even been around for 10 years?  And also, more pressingly, outside of say, figure skating or soccer, can you really just take credit for inventing physical movement?  Is that a viable career? Because if so, I've got this whole "lifting than placing one foot in front of the other" thing that I think is really going to take off.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2

Juan Pablo - SP: 52

Attraction (a): 10
  Juan Pablo earned himself quite the "mmm mmm mmm" also leading Desiree to call him a "dream of a man," but I'm guessing anyone whose a sports fan immediately bristled when Juan Pablo appeared on the scene. He may be ruggedly handsome and have all kinds of moves.  He might have a charming accent and a crooked grin. But Juan Pablo has crazy eyes. And unlike for with the female contestants whose crazy-eyed antics might include some light stalking and perhaps an aggressive tattoo of your name, if you get in the way of a athlete with crazy eyes, well, he's probably going to eat your face.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 3
 My money's on Zak W. to take the slightly wilted final rose given to the guy Des just wants to sleep with (Excuse me. Stay up light braiding hair in the fantasy suite with. She's not that kind of girl), so I don't think Juan Pablo's going to be around too long. Or you know, maybe he eats someone's face.

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 2
  Many of these men put a lot of time into planning their entrance. Guys sewed outfits, calligraphied invitations, even rented three year olds. But nobody executed the same degree of sneaky good reconnaissance invested in by Juan Pablo.  After all - we don't know much about Desiree.  She lived in a tent (well, maybe lived in a tent - definitely an apartment though...), she works in a bridal shop, and she liked Sean.  And what do we know about Sean?  He's incredibly condescending.  So what does Juan Pablo do?  He repeatedly corrects Desiree on how to pronounce his name and he strongly implies that she has yet to figure out one of the major functions of her feet. And within a few hours, he's got Desiree calling him a dream man. Smooth, Juan Pablo.  Very smooth.

Background (B): 0
  Nothing yet, but he is from Venezuela, so if Juan Pablo sticks around, watch for him to make some very strong moves with his potentially tragic back story.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 8
  Just because.

Brandon - SP: 35

Attraction (a): 5

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 7

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 6

 I'm not really sure that Brandon thought everything out with the whole motorcycle thing. I think he envisioned it being this huge moment, like Kalon in the helicopter, but replacing douchiness with coolness. But then he got off the motorcycle, took off his bandana, and....actually wait, let me say that again just for emphasis of what really went down....took off his bandana, and had to figure out something to say. And let's face it. Unless the first words out of his mouth were "Meet me inside, little darlin'. I just robbed a stagecoach and I'm on the lam," there was really no redeeming that move.

Background (B): -5
 I'm breaking my own personal rule of not giving negative points here because I was just so unbelievably disgusted by the choices Brandon made. You want to tell a woman you've known for five minutes that your mother's a recovering alcoholic? Fine.  You want to further air her dirty laundry by sharing that with all of the country? Not really my business. But you DO NOT give away your mother's sobriety chip just to get some air time on reality TV.  You just don't do it.  Maybe Desiree is the woman of your dreams and you're positive that she's going to be the one true love of your life (which - she's not - but that's a conversation for another day), but even if she's your high school sweetheart, doting mother to your ragtag but lovable brood of six, and central deity in your self-created polytheistic religion, your mother gave you that chip.  And you keep that chip out respect for her strength.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
  Brandon's the easy money pick for guy who gets way too into Desiree way too fast. He's been scaring off girls like this his whole life. (Though it certainly hasn't helped any when they've seen him in the sepia-toned wanted posters hanging up outside the local saloon).