Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else). For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.
Kasey - SP: 5
Attraction (a): 0
Okay, this one is largely wishful thinking, but Desiree can't possibly be attracted to a guy who throws hashtags into every sentence (Right? Please? We can't possibly be expected to put up with this for more than two episodes, right?)
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 6
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 2
At first, when Kasey got out of the limo, he wiped his purportedly sweaty palms and I was prepared to love him. It turns out that feeling wouldn't last.
Background (B): 0
We didn't actually learn anything about Kasey's background, but I have to think he lost some sort of bet. Or maybe he's trying to win some sort of bet by making it to the end of The Bachelorette (or at least to the hometown dates) by starting every sentence with the word hashtag. Maybe the prize is something really good - like a million dollars or a beautiful but very sad princess' hand in marriage - and at the end he'll have to choose between proposing to Desiree, who he has grown to deeply love, or claiming his rightful prize. I'm sorry. Did I say 0 for Kasey's background? Clearly, I meant 1,000.Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 7
Kasey might not actually have a girlfriend back home per se. But you just know he has all kinds of "followers" who he's tweeting pictures of his junk.
Will - SP: -2
Attraction (a): 5
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Not sure if things get too "hot" for Will after this week's episode (only kidding! The man was pretty much born to sweat. Born to sweat while being really well centered mentally), but if the "coming up" scenes are to be believed, after this week, Will will never be seen from again.Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 7
Will's whole nickname bit was relatively awkward, and not in a good way. It's not that he came up with a bad nickname necessarily (though I have yet to see any convincing evidence that Desiree is particularly wise), but you really can't force a nickname. I have every bit of confidence that this will come up again, though I expect it will be more in the context of "the last conversation that we're ever going to have" than "the last conversation before we start our new life."
Background (B): 1
We got the background profile on Will, but I'm not really sure how much we learned about him aside from the fact that he does Bikram yoga and his mother never taught him not to high five strangers.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2
Mikey T - SP: 26
Attraction (a): 1
Mikey might have won the coveted final rose, but I suspect this had more to do with Desiree needing to pick a 19th suitor and her actually remembering her name....kind of like how you remember a gorilla named Cuddles (or like how you remember a gorilla named Mikey - actually exactly like that).Featured Scene Percentage (P): 4
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 5
It might not count as embarrassment per se, but Mikey's confession that he empathized with Des' brother didn't exactly seem like the best move. Mikey, I too have seen Desiree's performance on Sean's season, and it was pretty clear that she barely wanted to be sharing a family with someone like her brother, much less a romantic tryst. (Excuse me. A romantic group date with 12 other men. She's not that kind of girl).
Background (B): 2
We didn't get much on Mikey, but we do know he comes from a close family. That might not be much, but in Bachelor land, it at least counts far more than the guy who admitted that his parents had the shocking lack of foresight to get a divorce.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2
Jonathan - SP: 0Attraction (a): 0
It's actually too bad that Jonathan turned out to be such a creeper (or I guess more accurately was never not such a creeper) because he actually had some pretty funny lines. I'm not sure if humor is really Des' thing (although Sean was quite the barrel of laughs), but he had a good line about the eyebrow waxing and a funny bit about how his mom thinks he's good look. Or maybe that was just a continuation of the creeps.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 10
So, I have to be honest, here. At first, I actually didn't think the fantasy suite date card was that terrible of an idea. And I'm not sure that Desiree did either. But something about it became uncomfortably sexual and just plain uncomfortably uncomfortable pretty darn fast. And then he just kept making it worse. Good thing for Desiree for standing her ground in what I imagine was actually a pretty awkward situation (although I guess the good news is, she had 18 guys on standby, some of whom seemed ready and willing to rip his arms off. Cuddles, the Gorilla - I'm looking at you).
Background (B): 0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0It seems pretty clear that Jonathan has never actually had a girlfriend before in his life. It's also not totally clear if he has ever actually kissed a girl.
Zak W. - SP: 345
Zak got mostly naked and barely strung a coherent sentence together. It's pretty clear what Desiree wants here.
Featured Scene Percentage (P): 7
Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0
Remember that time when a guy showed up wearing a mask and everyone was like, "Okay, that makes sense for his entrance, but does he really have to wear that all the time?" Anybody else notice how nobody said that about Zak and his lack of shirt? I don't love Des, but after the repressed Ashley and Mommy Em, it's kind of refreshing to see a Bachelorette who's not afraid to be led a little by her penis.
Background (B): 5
Though we didn't really get much on Zak in his little package (no pun intended - I'm sure his package is perfectly respectable. And no, Zak. I don't need you to prove it), I'm kind of thinking that with Zak, what you see is what you get.
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
I mean he walks around his front porch naked. Des isn't the only girl in the world with needs.
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