Week 1: The Draft: Limo 3 Prospect Report

Because I aim to be nothing but helpful (it's true. Everywhere I go, people follow me and say. "See that girl? Boy is she helpful!"....at least that's what I've always assumed the word "mean" means), and because I don't want to kick off this season with yet another diatribe about Desiree, I'm going to start this round of the league by handicapping the prospects for this weekend's draft using a complicated statistic that I've developed based equally on my mathematical acumen (I test at roughly a 7th grade level) and my pension for complete BS.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.

James - SP: 40

Attraction (a): 5

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 8

  Did they make it legal to punch people on this show? If not, there's 100 free points sitting on the table for anyone who can figure out who's the bully that took a swing at James. If so, can we make this decision retroactive and then invent time travel so we can all go back and watch Vienna get punched in the face? (Or, more likely, watch Vienna punch Kasey in the face during their tumultuous stint on Bachelor Pad. I'd settle for either).

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 1
  Too bad this scale is measured in awkwardness rather than intensity because James would be off the charts. Historically, super intense people haven't fared well on The Bachelorette, but James is super intense about loyalty. So that probably won't end horribly for him.

Background (B): 0

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
 Unless he's also super intense about hypocrisy...

Larry - SP: -2

Attraction (a): 2
  Awkwardness and dress ripping aside nothing Larry did was actually insurmountably horrible. If Des had been sweating him, he certainly would have gotten a rose.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 10
  Ripping Des' Dress probably isn't the romantic beginning that anyone envisions for themselves,  but I actually feel like thousands of couples have some kind of clumsy disaster as a central feature to their meet cute (plus, Des makes dresses. If ever there was a girl well-equipped to overcome precisely these tragic odds!) What made Larry's encounter with Des so terrible wasn't that he ripped her dress. It was that he kept talking about, apologizing for, and doing an interpretive scarf dance inspired by ripping her dress.

Background (B): 0
 I can practically hear Larry's Jewish mother yelling at her screen: "Nooooo. You didn't tell her you're a doctor!" (The facts that Larry a) Might not be Jewish, and b) Might very well have two Daddies don't really seem relevant here)

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2

Nick R. - SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0

  So, I actually thought Nick's whole "making Des disappear" schtick was pretty clever and cute (though Larry seemed crushed that it didn't involve a white rabbit and/or another chance for him to apologize for ripping Des' dress) and that kind of confidence can be sexy if correctly deployed. But ultimately, the other guys were right. Outside of the Victorian Era (I see you Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale), girls really aren't that attracted to magic.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 5
 Still not attracted to magic, ladies of the world?  No?  Okay, good. Let's move on.

Background (B): 0

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
  Ibid.



Zack K. - SP: 23


Attraction (a): 5

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 5

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 1
  Maybe just a little by association? Things were rough for the men of Limo 3

Background (B): 0
  I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Zack K/ before the existence of this show.  Heck, I'm not even sure I can confirm his existence on it.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 2

Diogo. - SP:
Attraction (a): 0
  You know that it's a bad sign when the half naked guy thinks you went too far, but again, attraction on Des'
part would have covered all manner of sins.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 10
  I felt a little bit bad for Diogo because he certainly went big.  And Desiree didn't even bother to try and hide the shame she felt on his behalf. I feel like usually, Bachelorettes are better at hiding their true reactions than that. Chris Harrision, we told you that you could only launch your clothing line if your other important duties, like Bachelorette training, didn't slip.  Don't let us down like this again.

Background (B): 0

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0
  But maybe now that he has that suit!  You've gotta think that he's opened the door to a whole community of LARPing ladies!