Episode 3, The Lie to...Oh, Who Gives a Shit - This Week's Episode Devoted Extensive Time to Grown Men Playing Dodgeball and to Watching Other People Watch a Movie. We All Needed Some Kind of Action (Brian, et al.)

So, I saved this one for last so that I could apply my keen analytical eye in a way that writing on the metro while trying to hide the words "penis" and "tragedy boner" from the middle aged man sitting next to me doesn't usually allow. The confusing Brian's girlfriend event wasn't so much a single lie as it was a complicated web of lies that was populated by only spiders, each prepared to have a lie battle the intensity of which has not been witnessed since Eminem shut down his opponent with "Clarence went to Cranbook. That's a Private School" (which - does anyone else reference 8 Mile on, like, a weekly basis?  I'm constantly surprised by how often that movie comes up!)

Every actor in this ridiculous farce had a dishonest role to play, and each lie that was perpetuated here was far worse than any creepy secret whispered by the likes of Ben. So here, in no particular order, are the players in this little drama and the lies they told for their cherished moment in the sun:

Brian: Brian was by far my favorite player in this little scheme because he was the falsehood role model for every sketchy man everywhere. He clearly told some sort of lie to kick this whole thing off (my guess is the lie was that he just wanted a break from his girlfriend. I'm pretty sure this skeezeball legitimately believed himself to be single), and then he just kept telling lie after lie to try and get himself out of it. I'm betting the minute his scorned lover walked through the doors of the mansion, he knew there was no way that he was sticking around and so he just started lying recreationally to see how much he could get away with on national TV.

And it's never not okay to lie recreationally (also, apparently, to use double negatives). i just wish he had gone bigger and had done better.  Because the "I didn't sleep with you two nights before the show" has a pretty limited shelf life when the victim of your lies can simply invalidate it with the playground testing, 6-year-old approved "Did too!" Instead, he should have seized his last few moments in the public eye (at least until next season's Bachelor Pad) to tell a truly impressive whopper. He could have gone with the Tiger Woods (and a teary confession of sex addiction), or the Bill Clinton (and some acrobatic semantics), or the National Enquirer (and a strong denial of having slept with her due to his abduction by aliens on the night in question). And I, for one, am pretty sad that he settled for a simple reversal of the truth.

Brian's "Girlfriend": I use quotes here because something is not quite right with the lady who came on the show to blow everything up (the lady to whom I will refer as "Birlfriend" because I cannot manage to remember her name). When Birlfriend came on the show, she used a lot of techniques to paint herself in a sympathetic light. She referenced her son. She referenced Brian's infidelity in the past. She said that Brian claimed he'd be back for her on the day they ended filming The Bachelorette. But where she erred was in telling us all that she wanted to break up, and it was Brian who insisted that they just go on a break. I get that maybe Birlfriend was just trying to cling to some sense of power in their relationship and that she just didn't want to seem like a purely pathetic lady-cuckold. But claiming that she wasn't that into their whole relationship thing anyway, makes her look more complicit than worth of Desiree's awkward sympathetic hugs. Also, does Brian really look like a man whose girlfriend just showed up?


Desiree: Desiree had to act like she cared. And like she wasn't annoyed that another woman was there to steal the screen time from her. And like she hadn't already decided to send Brian home the second he told her he was two months out of a relationship.

Chris Harrison: So, basically, it's Chris Harrison's job to lie about the producer's hopes for the intentions of the prospective bachelors and bachelorettes. But that doesn't mean I'm not impressed by the elegance with which he does it every damn time. The fact that he can still say something like "we didn't know" and "Desiree's here to find love and you're not being respectful of that" with a straight face even after all these years is really what makes him a true American hero.

Episode 3, The Lie to Protect the Mystique of the Bachelorette (Chris Harrison)

When Chris Harrison announced that they'd be skipping the week's cocktail party, the disappointed aspiring bachelors clearly all though that Desiree just wasn't feeling up for it after Brian's betrayal and such a tough week. But when she showed up wearing a dress of her own creation, the real reason for forgoing the weekly event became more clear. She wasn't sad - she was wearing satin. And there was just no way she was going to make it through a full night trying to sit in that dress.

Episode 3, The Lie to Spare Feelings (Des)

When Des unceremoniously escorted Brandon out (following his quite ceremonious rejection), she said, "You're a great guy, but not for me," and then spouted some canned nonsense about chemistry and how "when you know, you know." This was nice of her, but not particularly honest, given what she should have said was: "Remember that butterfly metaphor you made last week? Well, you smothered the butterfly. In fact, you ground it into oblivion with the heel of your hand. So I have no clue why you're now asking me about the mess." On the one hand honesty, even at the end of relationships, can be important to help the other person learn and grow so that they can realize future romanti
c success. On the other hand, they've known each other for two weeks and this is a reality show. No one really signed up for the truth.

Des' considerate untruth would have been completely acceptable in isolation, but this week, she also chose to deploy one of Ben's favorite "Lies to spare others' feelings": The False Promise Kiss. It seemed like every week Ben was making out with some girl, wordlessly reassuring her that she was safe for another week, only to send her packing in the very next scene. Now, I don't think that Des meant to use her lips as a lovely parting gift (though they're certainly better than a Looney Tunes watch or some banana-flavored Nestle's Quik), so much as she just. wanted. the awkwardness. to stop. But she made out with Kasey earlier in the episode just because she felt guilty that she was only keeping him around because he put up with that disaster of a date (or perhaps to reward him for not using a single hashtag!), and she certainly didn't pucker up for Brandon just because she was impressed with his manly charms.

I don't have a problem with Desiree making out with any guy that she wants - she's The Bachelorette, not the president of the Junior League - but I do think she needs to use her powers for good, not to avoid momentary guilt. Because a few minutes spent staring into pathetic puppy dog eyes can't possibly hold a candle to the awkwardness of walking your intended through the video footage of the exact moment you contracted a horrible lip disease.

Episode 3, The Truth (Mikey's Shorts)

Because there's just no room for anything to hide.

Episode 3, The "I love you" Lie (Brandon)

The "I love you" lie is a lie told be every person who makes it to a certain point on The Bachelor (even Chris Harrison is required to tell a slightly modified "I love being here" version). The "I love you" lie can mean many things. I can mean "I'd love to make it to the next round" or "I'd love to go to the fantasy suite with you" or "I'd love to not be the guy who Chris Harrison chastises for 'holding back' during my hot seat time on The Men Tell All." Increasingly, it seems to mean "I'd love to have another music-swelling, tear-inspiring on-screen moment like we had last week when I told you I was falling in love with you (and the week before that when I said I maybe, might be falling for you)." There's even a small chance that it means "I'm really rather fond of you, and if you'd be willing to stop dating those five other guys, we could maybe give this whole love thing a shot."

But with Brandon, the "I love you" was an entirely different kind of lie, a much sadder kind of lie. It was a lie that sprang forth from the same kind of deep-seated abandonment issues we watched AhsLee struggle so hard to overcome last season (and with such comprehensive play-by-play commentary). It was a lie that made me a little disappointed in ABCs casting team for allowing someone who was 7 parts damage and 0 parts douchebag to make it onto the show. And it was a lie that made me want to launch a kickstarter campaign to pay for Brandon's therapy.

But hey, now we just have one more reason to look forward to next summer's Bachelor Pad. By they, a twice spurned, crazy-eyed AshLee should be free of Brad Womack and his rage problems and ready to give Brandon a shot!

Episode 3, The Screen Time Lie (Brooks)

I believe that Brooks broke, or at least very badly jammed, his finger (and I come from a family in which, when faced by a similar injury, my MD father would have grumbled "You're fine. Just tape it to the one next to it" so I have comdo doubt that, were we to have encountered Brooks in his natural habitat, he would have made such a fuss. Among his friends, getting injured in an adult dodgeball game would ordinarily be enough to earn Brooks a few weeks of good-natured ribbing and maybe an affectionate nickname like "Sally Ann" or "Weak-Bones McWusspants). Getting injured in an adult dodgeball game and then whining about it would be unpardonable. Brooks' friends would have had no choice but to cut him dead,culling their friendship herd as they all replied "No Me Gusta" to his Saturday Night Salsa and Sangria Game Night and stopped returning his calls.

plete faith that the tin can contraption the ER docs jury-rigged together is standard operating procedure for a patient suffering from the most grievous of digit-ly harm), and I have no doubt that broken fingers hurt. But I
But the introduction of a pretty girl and a bunch of cameras changes the stakes. All of a sudden the game is not so much like an adult dodgeball league but is instead like a more age appropriate dodgeball unit in gym class. If Brooks gets hurt, he not only gets to sit out until they start on floor hockey next week, but he also gets some guaranteed screen time (which is great because bustling paramedics and beeping machines really bring out his eyes) and a surefire sympathy rose to ride into the next round.

Episode 3, The Lie to Expose the Lie (Chris, Mikey T., Michael G., Other Unidentified Gentlemen in the Pool)

Chris (and the Gang) deliberately misled Ben in an effort to trap him in his own web of deceit, and it panned out. But, if I'm correctly following the prevailing logic (never before has the word "logic" been hyperlinked to anything even tangentially related to The Bachelorette)...

If Chris (and the Chrisorettes) is willing to deliberately mislead Ben, well then, he's clearly willing to deliberately mislead Des. Is anyone here for the right reasons this season? How did Chris Harrison let all these horrible prospects get through?!