Day 19, Lace

Lace doesn't like it when men are too into themselves...ostensibly because then they aren't as interested in discussing her lifelong dream of being "herself...only richer! :)"

Day 20, Shushanna

If Shushanna's bio is anything to go off of, she's going to dominate this show. She cites favorite movies that are action packed and masculine, but also have a broader critical appeal. She talks about past relationships while giving herself subtle excuses not to take responsibility for the breakups. She hints at skepticism about the show and her shaken faith in love, about hopes, about loss. She even manages to slip in she's a good cook without sounding too braggy (which...I feel like the question "How good a cook are you?" is new this year in addition to being terribly phrased. Do we think Ben specially requested its inclusion? Do we think he's been subsisting on Kraft Dinner for the past 5 years?)

Her profile is good, but...is it possible that it might be a little too good? After a year in which daily fantasy leagues like Draft Kings and Fan Duel were plagued with scandal (it's obviously only a matter of time before they expand into the reality TV market), can we be sure that she didn't craft her answers using a complex statistical model designed to maximize her appeal? She is a mathematician, and I think we all know the motives of smart people can't be trusted when it comes to these types of shows.

Day 21, Curling Iron Sword Play

Okay, so we probably shouldn't get our hopes up for the first ever Bachelor swashbuckling, but...it looks like there's maybe one girl who's rocking straight hair. One can only hope we're at least in for some 300° sabotage...or that someone comes up with a way to make blown fuses into interesting TV.

Day 22, Haley

Whereas Haley...is the twin who...likes to take photos standing further away from the camera....?

Like her sister, she too seems to be utterly devoid of an appropriate sense of irony. She claims she would like to spend the day as "Taylor Swift because she's a classy gal" but also lists her greatest accomplishment as "making it to the semi-finals of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader auditions." Come on, Haley. I think we all know Taylor Swift would want you to reach higher than that.

Day 23, Emily

So, since I started off my first post by reducing them to a single unit, it seems only fair that I next take a look at the individual twins. I make no promise to do this for the rest of the season, especially as I suspect ABC will spend the bulk of Night 1 trying to make clear to us which one's the "sassy one" and who's the "hopeless romantic."

Of course, Emily, here is making that rather hard to do as when asked who she would like to be for a day, she says she'd like to be her sister to "see if she thinks exactly like me or to see how different we really are." Which I guess means....she's the twin that doesn't know how the whole Freaky Friday thing works!

She also seems to be the twin who is not ready for marriage. Because she describes the matrimonial state as "committed and ready to start a stable family and set a good example for your children," which is all well and good until you notice that she has also listed her occupation as "twin."

Day 24, The Beginning of the End

I know I've probably foretold of the Bachelapocalypse a time or too before, and Chris Harrison has yet to have been struck down with a meteor. So perhaps I'm not exactly a reality TV Nostradamus. Heck, I probably don't even qualify as a dating show Heaven's Gate (which is lucky for all of you as I shall be sending each of you Koolaid for Christmas this year). But what I can say with confidence is that...this year...features Twins.

I can only imagine the ABC team is attempting to trade on the somewhat debatable success of Lauren does set us up for the most scandalous fantasy suite in show history but...is there any part of the audience demographic that actually wants to see that? Perhaps, after Kaitlyn's season, they just feel like they need to restore a degree of authenticity to final show platitude "I can't believe I've fallen in love with two women at the same time."
and Ashley I's stint in paradise by giving us a team of genetic mutants who aren't afraid to share each others secrets, run madcap swapsie scenarios, or, of course, "tell mom." But...I don't know..when it comes to twins, there's an inexplicable link to a male fantasy that I think most women really can't comprehend. A fantasy that doesn't align with everlasting love or right reasons or going to any type of pre-specified location to make friends. I guess it theoretically

The Bachelor Advent Calendar

For the record, I do not know what is behind the flaps on this thing.
I can only imagine its samples of Axe body spray and quotes from
O Town Fan Fiction (you know, assuming this is O town. I really
can't be bothered to look).

It's that special time of year again, and I have oh so many exciting things to countdown to! My half-birthday (ETA: T-minus 1 day, and yes it still counts if you're over 10 years old!), Christmas (15 days), and of course, the birth of my son  (70 days...unless he decides to take after his father, the stupid 10 pound jerk!). But obviously, the most exciting event among the lot is the premiere of the Bachelor 2016.

So from now until January 4th, I'll be counting down all the things we have to look forward to about the upcoming season (And eating an entire Buche de Noel in one siting, by myself. Because...Half Birthday. Christmas. Pregnancy), all the while scrambling desperately to learn something, anything about what could very possibly be the most generic Bachelor of all times, Ben.

I invite you to come along on this journey with me checking back as often as you'd like as I scour the internet looking for knowledge about Ben more interesting than the fact that he is 6'4", as I puzzle over who exactly provides gainful employment for trained "coffee drinkers," and harshly judge the poor life decisions of women who decide to repeatedly go on this show. But I do not invite you to share my Buche de Noel. That is just for me.