Week 1: Draft Class Prospect Reports

Women can make healthy choices like
carrots...

So...I have to admit, I'm a little bit leery about putting together prospect reports this year. It's not that I have any doubt that you all pretty much treat them as gospel, that they become, like the Torah, your ethical and practical guide (which reminds me, you should all be eating lots of prosciutto. It is delicious). But if I learned anything from this week's episodes (and I always do. The Bachelorette is basically a modern-day Sesame Street or perhaps, since Sesame Street is the modern-day Sesame Street, a three-part mini-docu-series about race in America), it's that women really shouldn't be making choices. So...maybe we can just all agree to ignore these (which is clearly so hard!) except for you, Brandon?

Or they can make terrible choices like
dressing up like slutty cookie monster...

I mean, look, I think it's been well-established that I have the gender politics of a playground game of kickball, and yet still, this week's episodes really managed to rub me the wrong way. I actually do believe that ABC went into this because they couldn't pick between Kaitlyn and Britt (read: they weren't sure that men would find Kaitlyn attractive enough and they figured if they picked Britt, their female audience would revolt), but that's not exactly how it played out on screen. Both women spent portions of the night feeling victimized and embarrassed and acutely aware of how catty the process made them seem. (I too am acutely aware of my own cattiness as my favorite part of the episode was, by far, when Britt alluded to Kaitlyn's vulgarity and then went on to say "I feel like I need to prove myself as wife material so they'll put a rose in my box." Hee hee hee). And if all of that wasn't enough, it just got worse as the night progressed and Chris Harrison stepped in to send Ryan M. home. I'm not exactly stepping up and taking the pro-Ryan M., ass-grabbing stance, but in any other year that would have been the woman's choice in consultation with Chris. And this year it really just served to highlight that we've apparently decided it's too dull or perhaps too unrealistic to have to watch a woman in the driver's seat (especially a woman who's not putting on her makeup in the rearview mirror as she drives).

But I think we can all agree that their choices are
better when they are actually choices made by
Chris Harrison.

I desperately hope this pathetic night one set-up doesn't stifle all that is great about Kaitlyn. She is dynamic and funny and strong, and I'd hate to see her go the way of insecurity (more commonly known as Ashley Hebert Lane) and constant doubt. I hope that Kaitlyn doesn't spend the next eight episodes plagued with thoughts of Britt, and I hope the men aren't signing up for Bachelor in Paradise in hopes of meeting their one-time second choice. But mostly, I hope that it doesn't affect our usual metrics. Because there's so much science in these things!

As per usual, I'll be rating each of the men on:

Attraction (a): The degree to which Kaitlyn demonstrated attraction to a guy. Not to be confused with actual attractiveness (A), which is classically described by the universally objective Pitt-Beckham scale of hotness. This factor, though among the most important, contributes a larger weight to The Bachelor than to its lady-driven counterpart. We'll give Kaitlyn the benefit of the doubt that this won't be confounded by a-sub-b, also known as, the extent to which each bachelor appeared to be attracted to Britt.

Background (B): The extent to which we are exposed to a guy and/or his personal tragedy during Episode 1. This variable encompasses, not just the extent to which the audience is allowed to peer into the still very, very shallow recesses of each contestant's soul, but also, how sad each contestant makes us feel and their level of success in exploiting an adorable relative.

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): This is a controversial measure, but for each contestant who makes it through the first rose ceremony, the extent to which they made the rest of us cringe on night one can actually be a plus in terms of Staying Power. The embarrassing entrance can be your go to for stagnant conversations and for times you should be discussing things like what religion you plan to raise you kids (Yenter, 2013).

Featured Scene Percentage in "Coming Up" Montage (P): This can be misleading. Often the truly terrible villains dominate a lot of screen time and then go home by week 5, but as the draft is ultimately about who will put up points rather than who will win Kaitlyn's heart, it would be folly not to include it here.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): This one sort speaks for itself. Also, it has historically had a disconcertingly high correlation with Attraction (a).

Mix these numbers all around (all of which will be based on a not at all arbitrary score out of 10) and you have yourself a metric that - not unlike an NFL quarterback's performance on the combine - is predictive of absolutely nothing. Happy Drafting Everyone!

                      SP = a*P(E+B) - L

Bachelorette Bios

If I've learned anything from watching this show for the past (oh, this is about to be an embarrassing number) seven years, it's that I should always trust my gut (Unless it's on a date. This season's cohort, like last are disproportionately concerned with bodily functions). So, since there's no Advent Calendar for the Bachelorette (and since I'm reading a terrible book that I'm the process of avoiding), I thought I'd post a few quick gut reactions from casually perusing this year's bios:

Most Disconcerting Quote: In his short bio, Ben H. manages to say: "Marriage is a total sacrifice" twice. I'm not saying that there aren't going to be some compromises involved, but...who told Ben H. that he would get absolutely nothing good out of marriage! He also says he'd like to have lunch with Nelson Mandela...probably because he imagine's Mandela's imprisonment to be a whole lot like marriage.

Remember those simpler times before we all knew how
pretentious she was...?

Strangest Favorite Movie: A nod to pre-GOOP Gwyneth with Sliding Doors. Ryan B slipped it in just between Braveheart and Top Gun.

Favorite Cory: Cory. Although I feel like his name is wronger than the other Corey, in every other way he is righter! It's an esteemed honor that Cory by including Goonies as one of his favorite films and by not being being my...

Least Favorite Corey: Corey devotes precious platitude space in his bio to what he feels to be the importance of essentially creating a vision statement with his prospective partner. And given that his ideal superpower required like seven sentences of explanation, I sense that even if I were willing to endure the process, our visions would not click.

Most Likely to Do an Obscene Amount of Coke: Bradley. I was willing to give him a pass for being an "International Auto Dealer" but that was before I saw that his favorite movie was Wolf of Wall Street

Most Likely to be the Love Child of Breakfast Club Era Judd Nelson and Jimmy Fallon: Brady. And you will all be hard-pressed to convince me that that is not exactly who he is!

Most Reasonable Date Fear: Chris, whose biggest date fear is having his date try to eat his food. Not only is that truly terrifying, but as an added bonus, I think he can sleep safe knowing there's no way the producers can make that happen!

Most Hilarious Date Fear: Joshua. Who says he fears: "My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow." He's either adorably imaginative or that has actually happened to him before...

Obviously, a statement on second amendment rights...

Most Eligible for Tori to Date Once He's Been Cast-Off: Justin. Because he's from Naperville. And who doesn't love that kind of convenience!

Best Role Model: Chuck Norris, who Clint would like to be "for obvious reasons." I assume those obvious reasons are that Clint, too, would like to be a regular contributor to conservative blog WorldNetDaily.

Best Superhero: Superman, apparently. It's unclear why, as it seems like he's sort of a square and doesn't even have particular cool stuff, but if these bios are an accurate sample, everyone wants to be that guy!

Hometown where Britt is Least Likely to Be Willing to Live: Honestly? I can't pick. There's one guy from L.A. and a couple from Nashville, but...I feel like everyone else should probably just vote for Kaitlyn.

Job that is Most Likely to Come into Play During Night 1 Introductions: I'm looking at you Law-student-slash-exotic-dancer, Josh...

Job that I Hope Never Comes into Play in Any Way: This one goes to Shawn E. who claims to be an "Amateur Sex Coach" because...I guess...people from Canada can't work for the F.B.I. 

Finals, Scores

Maggie - 215 Britt - 55 Kaitlyn - 30 Ashley S. - 70 Jade - 50 Megan - 10	Melissa - 145                           Eastlake - 75 Kardashley - 35                        Kelsey - 55 Carly - 75                                 Mackenzie - 5 Jillian - 25                                Jordan - 5 Tara - 5                                     Juelia - 10 Samantha - 5                            Tandra - 0 Kardashley - 35 +10 for earning audience applause x 2 +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +15 for refusing to accept Kelsey's apology +5 for her look of sheer disgust featured when Kelsey blew her nose in Chris Harrison's handkerchief...although, let's be real. The look of disgust should be for the concept of a cloth handkerchief rather than Kelsey's actions in this incident.
	Ashley S. – 70 +10 for earning audience applause x 2 +10 for being described as a superlative by Chris Harrison +20 for audience whispers of disbelief Bonus: +10 for giving Chris Harrison a gift +10 for being invited to appear on Bachelor in Paradise +10 for refusing to back off of her complete insanity
	Britt - 55 +20 for audience applause x 4 +10 for crying +10 for blaming the editors for making it seem like she doesn't want kids Bonus: +5 for mentioning her work with "inner city" children +10 for insisting on going up and sitting with Chris (hilariously, when she asked "Can I come up there?" my husbands immediately response was "I think you all know a mandatory restraining order that goes into effect the moment you get kicked off." Seems like it's probably not all that far from the truth)
	Carly – 75 +10 for audience applause x 2 +15 for earning audience boos +20 for earning audience whispered disbelief (earning all three of these in the Bachelor equivalent to the Gordie Howe hat trick) +10 for crying +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: +15 for admitting to reading Chris' blog....which you know they all did.
	Jade – 50 +5 for earning audience applause +10 for crying +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +15 for admitting to reading Chris' blog +5 for commenting on her lack of closure (which should totally be a standard part of the points by the way) +10 for insisting on going up to sit with Chris, ostensibly so he could get the full body shot of her looking hot in that red dress!
	Jillian – 25 +10 for earning audience applause x 2 +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +10 for Chris Harrison telling her she was "jacked up"
	Jordan – 5 +5 for earning audience applause
	Juelia – 10 +10 for earning audience applause x 2
	Kaitlyn – 30 +10 for earning audience applause x 2 +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +5 for complaining about her lack of closer +10 for earning audience lip pouts
	Kelsey – 55 +5 for audience applause +10 for being called a superlative by Chris Harrison (though was she really the most controversial contestant ever? Don't people just generally dislike her? Maybe they meant controversial in that it's the first time the show has ever admitted that having something tragic happen to you isn't necessarily the equivalent of being a decent human being) +10 for crying +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: +15 for a super awkward audience murmur during the introductions +10 for blowing her nose into Chris Harrison's pocket square. It has certainly never suffered through such indignities before as he had an operation years ago to limited all bodily functions
	Mackenzie – 5 +5 for audience applause
	Megan – 10 +10 for earning audience applause x 2
	Samantha – 5 +5 for audience applause
	Tandra – 0 Though she earns a million life points for not bothering to show up.

Tara – 5 +5 for audience applause

Week 9, Winners and Losers

It's our final week of competition and the scores will be up soon. But before I announce our season winner, I just wanted to thank every one for contributing to another great year of competition. There are no losers in Bachelor Fantasy League...only people who will have to wait another season to take ownership of the Michael Stagliano Child-sized T-shirt Trophy. But there are certainly losers of the show that's basically designed to be an audition tape for Bachelor in Paradise. So before I post scores, let's take a quick peak at who emerged victorious from this year's episode of the Women Tell All and who would have been better off just hanging out in a bar somewhere far, far away with Tandra.

Winner: Britt

Man, did Britt dominate this episode of probably not entirely scripted TV. She came off as super sympathetic; she got the audience believing that her love story was entirely derailed by Carly; she got in zingy one-liners and mention of her love for inner city kids; and she even won points by quietly but classily defending Kelsey. The fact that she "felt better" in response to Chris' claim that sending her home wasn't prompted by Carly casts further doubt on her claim to have strong feelings for him (real heart break would be devastated by the destruction of the petite, blonde, scapegoat shaped life raft - which Carly would coincidentally likely certified to man), but overall the night was a stunning success for Britt. I'd still be somewhat surprised if she was named Bachelorette, but it doesn't seem totally outside of the realm of possibility anymore. After all, it's not like there are obligatory shower scenes for the ladies. 

Loser: Carly

I'm so much sadder about Carly now that I know that she is the sister of Zak, one of the most delightful contestants in Bachelorette history. But let's face it, this week was indisputably rough for the once relatable-seeming girl. She did not come out of the reunion special looking great, and not just because she looked a bit haggard from all the energy she was expending hating Britt. The eye-rolling, defensiveness, and the way in which she had to sit quietly while Britt and Chris discussed her like she wasn't even there were all pretty rough to watch, and I hope she takes that lesson to heart before consenting to appear on any other franchise show.

Why have you abandoned us, oh
great black box of modesty?

Winner: Kelsey
I'm wondering if Kelsey and Britt hired the same person to do spin control because they were just so gently well-spoken, apologetic and measured. My favorite part of the whole episode last night might have been when the audience finally realized that, while they may neither like nor trust Kelsey, they couldn't help but applaud her demonstration of class. I 100% believe she is condescending and arrogant. But she's also clearly smart, and her decision-making showed it.

Loser: Kardashley
Kardashley was pretty much the opposite of Kelsey in almost every way from her constant looks of disgust to her complete lack of contrition. And Kardashley's boobs were pretty much the opposite of the desiccated flesh of an ancient mummy, in part because of their youthfulness but largely because they were so very, very un-covered up!

Winner: Jillian
Setting aside her intensity and the fact that Chris Harrison called her "jacked up" (I assume the part where he called her "bro" just got mistakenly edited out), she was her usual hilarious and charming self. She defended Britt with fierce loyalty and called out Carly on some pretty mean-spirited jokes without ever playing the victim. And she continued to not comment on her "former NFL cheerleader" status...ahem, Nikki.

Loser: Samantha

Poor Samantha also continued true to form by only managing to speak once and being rudely interrupted while doing so. Although we at least all finally learned the fun fact that apparently she has a bit of Midwest accent!

Winner: Ashley S.
If the Women Tell All did nothing else, it clarified that, while Ashley S. is obviously an odd individual, her work on the show had to have been the product of a poor reaction between alcohol and drugs. She was so much more coherent on the episode than at any other point during the show. And yet, you gotta kind of respect her for riding it out, for refusing to attribute any of it to the production team or the crushing stress. And you also gotta kinda be amused by her betting pool shenanigans. You have to think if the accounting team wasn't betting on the contestants, they will be now! Overall, how could we not declare Ashley S. a winner when the elusive Chris Harrison is oddly desperate to be her friend!

Loser: Mental Health Care in America

That being said, I cannot suborn the idea of putting her on another reality show that is even more alcohol-centric when it is clearly a serious problem for her mental health and safety.

Winner: Playboy Models Everywhere

Seriously, when have Playboy models ever been billed so sympathetically? I admit to have avoided that whole terrible corner of reality TV, but I imagine anything involving Hugh Hefner couldn't possibly compete with poor sad, sweet Jade.

Loser: Bloggers
Honestly if anything, the Women Tell All made it clear that blogging was a far more regrettable choice than posing naked. These women understandably clung to every word that Chris casually penned and then forcefully threw them in his face. 

And I imagine he did the exact same amount of work on his
romance novel as he does on the show.

Winner: Chris Harrison
Because he always wins. Because next year's Women Tell All will feature him handing a contestant, not his pocket square, but a spare hundred dollar bill he just happens to have on him from all the sweet, sweet cash money his romance novel is sure to bring in. Because, come on. He's Chris Harrison.

Loser: Chris Soules
So, despite all odds, I have to admit, I still like Chris. He seems to be a completely decent guy who enjoyed the hell out of this experience without completely losing himself along the way. But, one can't help feeling like he's an early 90's TGIF star who found a magical pair of Oakley's  that made all women fall in love with him, and they're just about to get snapped in an epic Kid n' Play dance off. Sure, he's had a magic few weeks with women in shorty overalls hanging on him, and, I would imagine, a hilarious scene with an older librarian "letting down her hair" while he nervously backs into a corner, but those moments are about to come to an end. After all his hemming and hawing, his tripartite confessions of love, it's just really hard to see him coming out of this experience having found true love. But at least he'll come out of it teaching us all a powerful lesson about the importance of being ourselves...