Finals, The Score

Emily - 120 Ben H. - 45 Jared -  25 Clint. - 30 Joshua - 5 Tanner - 15

Brandon - 125            Iza - 100 Ian - 50                        Kupah - 10 Chris - 10                     J.J. - 40 Ben Z. - 35                   Joe - 30 Tony - 10                     Shawn - 0 Jonathan - 20               Ryan M. - 20

	Ben H. – 45 +15 (5 x 3) for audience applause +20 for audience whispers Bonus: +10 for showing the true extent of his blandness by summing up his five minutes of catcalls with "People have been very nice." Important Info: And if there wasn't enough evidence already that Ben H. will make a very boring Bachelor, he did not look at all amused when Chris Harrison said "Up close, he doesn't get it." Because a largely humorless Bachelor is exactly what we need to get the program back on track!
	Ben Z. – 35 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +10 for saying the process changed him +15 for confessing his love for Kaitlyn at Chris Harrison's behest Important Info: Ben continues to seem like a lovely gentlemen, but his true coup of the season was leading Chris Harrison to say "I'm crying on the inside right now." I think we've all long assumed that that is Chris Harrison's default state.
	Chris - 10 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: All the completely unredeemable, totally value-less gratefulness points in the world for remaining mercifully quiet during most of the night.
	Clint – 30 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +15 for saying he didn't go on the show to make friends. An oldie but a goody, even on the Men Tell All. Important Info: I understand the Men Tell All isn't exactly designed to give us closure so much as it is designed to stir up old arguments and preview the amazing new season of the most reprehensible show on the planet, but I felt like there were really a lot of unanswered questions when it came to Clint. How is his ongoing relationship with J.J.? Why was he allowed to continually talk about how he was super into Kaitlyn? Why hasn't Chris Harrison found the time to advise him on his facial hair choices?
	Ian – 50 +15 (5 x 3) for audience applause +15 earning many audience skeptical looks Bonus: +15 for getting down on his knees to apologize...twice +5 for hilariously getting a leg cramp in round two Important Info: Apologizing certainly wasn't the wrong move for Ian personally or for Ian's mother...but in an episode where weirdly everybody forgave everybody else except, completely randomly, for Corey, it did not make for the best ever TV!
	Jared – 25 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +10 for being treated to a Chris Harrison superlative +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: I forgot about the stupidity of Love Man. I am glad they reminded me (painful though it was!) so that I can go back to being glad that Kaitlyn sent him home!
	J. J. – 40 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +10 for perhaps the most intense blooper in Bachelorette history Bonus: +10 for Chris Harrison calling him out on his air quotes +10 for repeatedly (if perhaps intentionally) perpetuating the Bachelorette team's edits with consistent poor word choices and reference to "lots of meat" and the like Important Info: Given this year's focus on a Canadian Bachelorette, J.J. should probably lose all the points in the world for blaming "the hockey locker room" for any of his missteps.
	Joe – 30 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper  Bonus: +15 for getting a clorox deal to host a mid-show commercial with Becca +5 for getting called out on laughing at J.J. Important Info: I have no fear of pigeons, but I can't promise Joe's performance won't haunt my nightmares tonight...creepy stuff! Jonathan - 20 +5 for audience applause Bonus: +15 for getting called out on voting for Britt Important Info: I hope to have a lot of important thoughts on Jonathan to report after Bachelor in Paradise. But in the meantime, I'll just keep thinking how he might want to keep his moral outrage a little less loud if he's going to keep abandoning his son.
	Joshua – 5 +5 for audience applause Important Info: There was not enough Joshua on this episode for my personal tastes...and is it possible his judgment has improved enough for him to refuse a spot on Bachelor in Paradise? That seems awfully unlikely... Kupah - 10 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause) Important Info: Kupah probably isn't in the best spot to judge who did and did not "handle themselves the best" on this show.
	Ryan – 20 +5 for audience applause Bonus: +5 for admitting to being "horned up" +10 for bring a rose for a very special apology Important Info: What would The Men Tell All be without a bit of blatant hypocrisy. Ryan M.'s behavior was so disgusting that it required Chris Harrison to escort him out mid-program without even consulting the prospective Bachelorettes. But not so disgusting that they didn't want him back for another show...
	Shawn – 0 Did not Appear Important Info: I really thought Shawn might at least earn himself some blooper points, but I suppose we'll have to wait a whole 'nother week to hear him do something exciting...like complain about Nick.
	Tanner – 15 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause Important Info: He's saving himself to come up big on Bachelor in Paradise. He, Jared, and Ashley I. would be the choice first draft picks, if we were continuing with a summer league.
	Tony – 10 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: Naturally, Tony was too busy to say anything during this episode because he was far too busy visualizing himself at the zoo.

Weeks 7 and 8: The Scores

Man, this show has been rough. And with no obvious candidate for the next Bachelor, it might be hard to redeem much of anything next year (Though I secretly do want to see a flock of 25 women uncertainly hemming and hawing over the highly desirable night one choices of Nick and Joe, I doubt the ABC team is going to be eager to try that little stunt again what with the less than impressive results it yielded). After this week's exceedingly classy departure, I assume we'll be treated to a Ben of some sort, and, while it won't even come close to the disaster-in-decision-making that is Kaitlyn, they are going to have to recruit him some uber-crazies to eke out even a hint of interest out of a season following the nice, normal, seemingly unlikely to be poised to give us hours of footage of him showering with his shirt off Ben H. The good news is, though, we've reached the penultimate episode of our fantasy season, and are about to head into a division playoff to rival all division playoffs with what is sure to be an incredibly messy Men Tell All next week.

	Ben H. – 95 Eliminated +5 for a rose +15 for saying he is falling in love +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for crying Bonus: +15 for saying Kaitlyn "changed" him (and I think we can all be on the lookout for a repeat of that next week!) +10 for getting asked on national television if he was a virgin +5 for saying that he "likes to walk around and think about vikings." I suppose technically there was context but...who doesn't, Ben H.? Who doesn't? Important Info: My husband half watched the fantasy suite episode with me and contributing his traditional line of the season after one of Kaitlyn's monologues about the wonders that is Ben. She called him perfect, and husband material, and possibly something along the lines of "the romantic holy grail," and Jason responded with "Yes, but she doesn't know he has a secret pact with the horses to make himself look good."
	Jared – 20 Eliminated +10 for crying +10 for making Kaitlyn cry Important Info: I actually didn't see this one coming. I thought Jared was going to be the place filler instead of Ben H. after all the hours they logged dry humping on hotel beds. What probably stings even more is that Ben totally outclassed him on their departures. Ben sees your offer of a coat, Jared, and raises you a "you look great tonight." That's why he'll be seeing everyone next season on the Bachelor while you will be forced to start social media stalking Britt.
	Joe – 45 Eliminated +10 kissing in a group date setting +25 getting kicked off mid-group date Bonus: +10 for telling Shawn he has lipstick on his face Important Info: Poor Joe. It was no secret that his departure was coming like a freight train, but obviously this inevitable result was at least hidden from him. The tantrum he threw was the pure emotion you rarely see on this show...because most people have the sense not to want to appear in such an unflattering light. In an uncomfortable season, the 10 minutes of Joe saying perfectly reasonable things in a hugely unreasonable tone of voice, were some of the least comfortable we got. And more than being sad to see him go, I'm sad to see him go like that after being nothing but a delight throughout this whole show.
	Nick – 105 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in two one-on-one settings +15 for telling Kaitlyn he's falling in love with her +30 for tattling on Shawn +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite Bonus: +15 for making his entire family cry with what, again, must be regarded as exceptionally poor decision-making. Important Info: Like, I imagine, absolutely everyone, I am exceptionally sick of the ongoing saga of Shawn and Nick. So all I really have to say about him this week is...his parents met in a church? No wonder he has SO MANY siblings!
	Shawn – 155 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in two one-on-one settings +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +20 for intentional nudity +5 for verbal fighting +10 for questioning if Nick is there for the right reasons Bonus: +30 for accepting Kaitlyn's self-tattling and somehow moving past it. My guess is his acceptance is less than permanent. +20 for unsanctioned mid-rose ceremony conversation +5 for saying he was "so tense he couldn't even piss" +10 for what was easily the most hilarious underwear in show history. We've all been there. Though how was he not SO sweaty?This is why I usually default to swimswuits.

Week 6, The Scores

Important information has been suspended for the week, because there is absolutely nothing of importance to report!

	Ben H. – 35 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +10 for making Kaitlyn cry (boy, was there a lot of that this episode) Bonus: +10 for calling Kaitlyn out on her conversation with Shawn. On the one hand, I feel pretty certain that that wasn't a magical spur-of-the-moment idea. On the other...you have to pretty much feel like you've got no shot if she tells another guy he's the one after she's been hanging out with both of you.
	Ben Z. – 20 Eliminated +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for referencing his "forever love." I feel like that's generally a term for people making fun of the show.
	Chris - 50 Eliminated +5 for a rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +10 for crying +25 for being abandoned on the side of a cliff Non-Bonus Aside: While he certainly doesn't get points for his measured and insightful portion of the evening, his observation that she's not ready for her lifetime of happiness did seem almost chillingly correct! Less correct, moving to Nashville as a single 20-something because it's a good place to raise kids.
	Jared – 10 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one Bonus: +5 for calling Kaitlyn transparent. Oh, how the producers shall make him eat those words!
	J. J. – 50 Eliminated +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +25 for being abandoned in the wilderness Bonus: +5 for telling Kaitlyn he was falling for her while Joe sat there and awkwardly watched. Really a classy move.
	Joe – 45 +20 for a date rose +15 for saying he's falling in love with Kaitlyn (which, I'm a fan of you, Joe, but...how?) Bonus: +10 for telling the other guys he was falling in love with Kaitlyn, or, as it is more commonly known, poking the Shawn..
	Nick – 20 +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for crying
	Shawn – 55 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +20 for stealing unsanctioned time with Kaitlyn +20 (10 x 2) for making Kaitlyn cry a lot, on multiple occasions Bonus: +5 for being the target of piped in snoring. Just in case his actions haven't made him unattractive to us yet...because he's pretty much not going to win.
	Tanner – 10 Eliminated Bonus: +10 for his less than charming gossip session with Nick in which he betrayed all of Shawn's darkest secrets.

Week 6, Once Upon a Time

If this show is a fairy tale, then Chris Harrison is its fairy godmother. He makes sure everyone is dressed appropriately for the ball, and refurbishes sooty images (unless, of course, you refuse to say "I love you." What are you, ungrateful? The man's working magic, here!). He makes men feel like princesses and women feel like prostitutes (But, you know, the good kind of prostitutes who get to spurn Jason Alexander and marry Richard Gere). Sure, he favors two-toned shirts and extraneous breast pockets over gossamer wings and tutus, but it doesn't change the fact that the man is making dreams come true.

After so many years on the job, the man is a seasoned pro, but this week he really found both his bibbity and his bobbity severely taxed trying to deal with the aftermath of Kaitlyn's non-godmother sanctioned activities. Fortunately, he came up with, what I think even a killjoy like Maleficent would have to admit is an outstanding idea. If Kaitlyn is regretting having sex with one of the men, why doesn't she just have sex with all of them!?! After all, shouldn't she really level the playing field (Or at least cryogenically freeze a few of her eggs before they all turn into pumpkins. If she can't make this process work for her, well, she's not getting any younger...)?

Look, Kaitlyn's clearly a mess. Not because she slept with Nick, but because she's worked herself into an emotional tizzy that's pretty much invalidating this (already super valid) process and making the show pretty brutal to watch. But the fact that ABC seems to want to make us believe that she needs Chris Harrison to come in and fix everything for her is frankly pretty insulting. And making her quickly dump three guys so she can dive into bed with the rest? It doesn't really seem like the glass slipper she needs.


But since he didn't exactly have his strongest week when it came to his main charge, let's take a look at the other wishes the fairy god-pimp granted behind the scenes this week, when he wasn''t too preoccupied arranging for Kaitlyn to have more sex:

Ben H. - For Ben H., Chris Harrison grants producer management of all ongoing conversations. Ben and Kaitlyn seemed far too relaxed and natural, but don't worry. Chris Harrison has the perfect potion up his sleeve to produce a stilted, awkward, and teary conversation about Shawn. You're welcome, Ben H.

Ben Z. - To Ben Z., he gives the gift of potentially being the next Bachelor. I mean, Chris isn't making any promises or anything. There's a few other strong contenders who are still in the ring. But Kaitlyn could pick Nick or Shawn could have a total melt down. So, maybe this gift of, you know, just sitting tight? Hanging out in the wings in case we need you? Could Chris get you anything while you're waiting? A football, maybe?

It really isn't the same without the sound effects

Chris - Chris Harrison sees what your soul looks like, Chris, and he finds it beautiful. So Chris has lovingly granted you a new home in the lonely Irish hinterlands. After multiple seasons without an abandonment, when J.J. got stranded with only the soon-to-be lifeless body of his cameraman for food, I bet you thought it couldn't also happen to you. But Chris Harrison's magic knows no bounds. All it takes is a quick flick of his pocket square and poof! Now your soul looks like that of a little girl!

Jared -  To Jared, Chris Harrison gives the gift of hotel rooms three. Sure, Jared hasn't gotten to use any of Kaitlyn's suites in the manner of, say, Nick, but he has seen them all. And that's got to count for something. I mean, who isn't a fan of neutral-colored, wholly-unobjectionable art? Not to mention, sitting on other people's stale fluids!

J.J. - For J.J., he grants more time with his beautiful daughter. After all, six is such a precious age, and they change every day so you really don't want to miss a mo.... What's that? You'd rather just be on Bachelor in Paradise? Very well. Done!

Joe - To Joe, he gives a stay of execution. He's not going to make it through next week, but at least for now, he can hang out and be delightful. You know what, this might actually be a gift for us. Can Joe be the next Bachelor? Just so we can all listen to him say things?

BELIEVE!!!

Nick - For Nick, he grants erasure of all video that exposes his web of lies. Chris Harrison noticed that you told Kaitlyn you didn't say your date was intimate when, in fact, you said that exact thing. But don't worry Chris Harrison will take care of it. Or he won't and will choose, instead, to throw you to the wolves at the Men Tell All. We shall see!

Shawn - For Shawn, Chris Harrison grants no wish. Not because Shawn is not deserving, and brave, and kind. He is all those things. How could he conquer the dragons and briers that guard Kaitlyn's hotel room twice in one week were he not noble and true? But Shawn must learn that the power to
grant wishes, like the power to eat and sleep and the power to stick around, truly lies within himself. He hold the key. If he can find a way, in his purest heart, in his his maybe-not entirely-feeble brain, to truly believe.

Tanner - Oh....Tanner...are you still here? Because Chris just did a really nice thing with Shawn and it felt like a really good way to wrap up the post, so...maybe we can all just wait while you quietly slip out the back?