Week 4, The Scores

	Kardashley - 90 +5 for crying +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +20 for intentional nudity +20 for stealing "unsanctioned" time with Chris +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one...just really a lot +10 for revealing a personal secret Bonus: +10 for going full-on Miss Havisham and wondering the halls of the Bachelor mansion, bereft and dressed for her date. This week, Ashley was more Dickens than Kardashian Important Info: As much as I dislike Ashley, as much as I feel like she could deal with her shocking virginal status with far more aplomb and, frankly, believability than the tactic she's chosen to take, I still felt like is was a little bit harsh of the post-production team to air the clip of her putting in her hair piece.
	Ashley S. – 60 Eliminated +20 for intoxication (or, you know, whatever is going on there) +10 for kissing in a group date setting +30 for revealing her "love" for Chris (15 x 2 for a WAY too soon bonus) Important Info: Ashley doesn't want us to worry about her at all. While I believe her claim that she feels nothing at all about her separation from Chris, I remain very, very worried.
	Becca – 10 +5 for a rose +5 for revealing a secret, though not yet to Chris Important Info: Becca seems so normal and nice. It would fly in the face of everything that this league stands for to award her points for her rational and understated decision-making, but if it makes Becca-owners feel any better, I'm thinking she might actually be something of a dark horse to win!
	Britt - 25 +5 for a rose +20 for reducing Chris to incoherent stuttering, albeit in the worse way possible Important Info: Oh, Britt. You never go after the girl that the Bachelor is sweating the most. Even Ashley S. lacks the drug-induced lack of inhibitions to attempt something as foolhardy as that. P.S. He liked the nudity. Of course he rewarded it.
	Carly – 35 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for referencing her grandparent's love (Mom and Dad must not have been thinking about her future career as a reality star when they had the audacity to get divorced) +10 for revealing a personal tragedy...more or less...we're apparently not meant to care enough about Carly to need details Important Info: Carly had numerous questionable moments this week. Saying she wanted Chris to be like her grandfather...calling Jillian a man because she's good at sports. But she redeemed herself for almost all of this by questioning the virginal status of Kardashley's face.
	Jade – 75 +20 for a date rose +5 for crying +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +10 for plugging her modeling/organic makeup career +15 for having Chris comment on her attractiveness (he does really love him the word "stunning") +10 for being called the perfect person for the date she was on +10 for revealing the personal tragedy of her broken engagement Important Info: In the many Disney, cross-promotional dates we've seen over the years, I have never seen any one muster up as little enthusiasm for watching a children's movie as Jade did. Even Juan Pablo managed to seem impressed with The Lone Ranger viewing that got shoved down his throat on Des' season, and he could barely muster up enthusiasm for anything not immediately resulting in dancing and/or sex.
	Jillian – 35 Eliminated +5 for crying +10 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for winning the obstacle course race +10 for a super vulgar, mildly offensive "Would you rather?" Strangely, nothing about Jillian gives me more faith that there are hundreds of guys out there that would love to have a shot with her. Important Info: The internet tells me that Jillian is apparently a Redskins cheerleaders. The fact that we heard, not a single word about this on the show, makes me love her all the more. For me, the saddest part of this whole episode was listening to her bemoan the fact that she wasn't really herself. I feel like Jillian was actually probably way more herself than many of the other girls. And she should not have to feel bad that her bawdy, hilarious self just wasn't compatible with Chris.
	Juelia – 20 Eliminated +5 for crying +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness Important Info: It's a sign of how weird and artificial the Bachelor world is that I feel tempted to congratulate Chris on sending Juelia home in spite of her tragic back story. The fact that the producers had Chris do a special post-game interview about sending her home also leads me to believe that they too were shocked and uncertain of how best to deal with Chris' lack of tragedy boner.
	Kaitlyn – 70 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +20 for intentional nudity +10 for moderate intoxication +10 for questioning whether Ashley S. was here for the right reasons, even if it was hilarious because she figured Ashley S. likely didn't know where "here" was. Important Info: Camping is her element. Killing zombies is her jam. Costco is the best date ever. Kaitlyn seems to be pretty happy everywhere. Far from a bad thing.
	Kelsey – 20 +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for saying the swimming hole date was a date for bimbos. Important Info: I gotta say, I did not see Kelsey's villainy coming, but, given that I wrote down not even a single semi-positive thing that she said this week, it seems clear that this is where they're going. I'm not quite ready to jump of her bandwagon entirely, but I do need to say that, I've been to Michigan. They too have muddy lakes.
	Mackenzie – 10 +5 for a rose +5 crying (nicely because of Juelia leaving) Important Info: Someone's got to be nudging Mackenzie to continually bring up aliens and probing, right?  Right????
	Megan – 20 +5 for a rose +5 intoxication points Bonus: +10 for only being able to recall 3 out of the 5 senses.  Important Info: It speaks volumes about Megan's complete lack of game that one of the senses she managed to forget was touch.
	Nikki – 0 Eliminated
	Samantha – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Are we entirely sure that Samantha isn't the same person as Nikki? Have we ever actually heard her talk?

Whitney – 10 +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for describing "muck" as "a cross between mud and smuck." Shortly followed by, "Is smuck a word?" Important Info: No, Whitney. No, it's not. But "muck" is.

Week 4, Super Bowl Spirit Animals

I started my week in Iowa, which was a pretty powerful way for me to feel more attuned to Chris (also, the super steamy Soules-Kimmel fan fiction I've been working on whilst stuck in O'Hare. It's already 474 pages long) but not so helpful to watching the show and/or accomplishing any sort of blogging. But now that I'm getting back into the swing of things, I got inspired by the next major televised event. No, not the special two-night Bachelor event which I'm sure is lurking just around the corner to precipitate my death from fantasy league exhaustion: the Super Bowl. Grantland, which is the site of some of my favorite Bachelor recaps as well as the inspiration for this league, always refers to Courtney Robertson as the Bill Bellichick of Bachelor contestants because of the incredible savvy but also inarguably devious way in which she played the game. I love that comparison because it's just so apt. Just like Courtney, I loathe Bill Bellichick but almost to the point where I enjoy hating him, where I would miss him if he were gone. So this week, I took a little time matching this year's contestants to their Super Bowl spirit animals, to the Seahawks and Patriots these teary-eyed, skinny-dipping, cleavage-flaunting ladies resemble best. So, in no particular order...

Whitney - Russel Wilson: Russel Wilson is known for being classy, charismatic, and overall, above the dramatic fray that sometimes plagues his mouthy defensive corps. The only way he and Whitney could be any more alike would be if Wilson was known for calling plays in a surprisingly high-pitched voice.

I can't remember the exact quote from this famous
 sideline interview, but I think it was something along
the lines of: "This is a date for bimbos."

Kelsey - Richard Sherman: Notorious for running his mouth to reporters and generally reviled by opponents, there's nonetheless something that remains likable about both Kelsey and Sherman. Both seem to be more intelligent than their choices would suggest, and, in both cases, I think it will ultimately be their talent for the game that makes them worth hating.

Juelia - Derrick Coleman: As one of only three deaf people to ever make it to the NFL, Derrick Coleman is widely considered an inspiration. However, like Juelia, what most people really know about him are the unlikely odds and personal challenges that he has overcome. Given that he ostensibly contributed to last year's Super Bowl victory. he's also likely a very good player. And I have to think right now Juelia's wishing we knew a bit more about the person she is who's likely shaped but not defined by her tragedy.

Toss in a few sequins, lose the pants,
and it has Katie Perry costume written
all over it.

Kardashley - Katie Perry: Though I hate to do anything that would make Kardashley pleased, Katie Perry is really the only possible option. Who else would present her with the opportunity to parade around in a sparkly princess gown constructed from Bellichick's discarded hoodies? How else could she complain ad nauseum about how she does not play football.

Britt - Percy Harvin: An amazingly talented player with more potential than he ever lived up. Sadly this means the outlook is not so good for Britt. After being one of the heroes of last year's game (and you all know that old football saying "last year's Super Bowl is only as good as a first impression rose. Terry Bradshaw says it all the time), Percy Harvin's diva-like behavior got him cut from the team (technically traded, but we'll probably have to wait for this year's Bachelor in Paradise for that to be an option for Britt.

Samantha: Jimmy Garrapolo: Jimmy Garrapolo is New England's backup quarterback and, much like Samantha, I know absolutely nothing about him. Because he is a backup quarterback...for Tom Brady.

Maggie, this one is for you.

Kaitlyn - Rob Gronkowski: This one is something of a no-brainer. Kaitlyn and Gronk both are known for being goofily charming, fun-loving, and somewhat crass. I have no doubt that if Kaitlyn broke her forearm (or whatever the Bachelor equivalent would be. Broken vagina? Broken misplaced sense of pride?), this Bachelor squad would be in a much sadder place.

Seems like this "Gal" was
probably on Brad Womack's
season or something...

Nikki - Sea Gal: Given she's from New York, and it would likely be a cruelty worse than death to force her to root for the Patriots, I'm nominating Nikki to be part of the terribly named Sea Gals cheerleading squad (It would perhaps be marginally better if the team was named the Seattle Seagulls, but their not. Unless the team is implying that the cheerleaders are the equivalent of the annoying birds that generally found squawking and stealing our picnic fare at the beach?). And fun fact about the cheerleaders who will be adorning the sidelines of this year's Super Bowl: One of the Patriot's cheerleaders is in the process of getting her PhD in Neuroscience. That officially means that if you take professional cheerleading and appearing on The Bachelor, the one that glorifies gratuitous nudity and the shaking of glittery pom-poms isn't the lowest common denominator.

Jade - LaGarette Blount: LaGarette Blount started this season as a running back for the Steelers where he was generally pretty terrible and barely got a chance to play. It took coming back to the Patriots for his season to take off. In her previous life, Jade was apparently a Playmate (that's why their are never any pictures of her on the blog. I'm too scared to run the gauntlet of naked photos of her that the internet surely consists of), and it wasn't until joining the legion of mess cadets on The Bachelor that she emerged as classy and demure.

Becca - Julian Edelman: Because being Jewish in the NFL is roughly as likely as being a virgin on the Bachelor. And, because I'm a big Edelman fan, I suspect if he found himself forced to discuss his faith with his teammates on the field, he'd treat it with Becca's class and subtlety rather than as an attention grab a la Kardashley.

Megan - Stephen Gostokowski: So, Stephen Gostokowski is the Patriot's kicked and it's probably pretty inarguable that he's essential to the team. That being said, part of me feels, like Megan, he almost seems to be playing an entirely different sport than anyone else.

Pat Patriot wants to know if you
believe in aliens.

Mackenzie - Pat Patriot: Because seemingly, Mackenzie's brain is also made primarily of polyfoam.

Ashley S. - Marshawn Lynch: Off the field, Marshawn Lynch is perhaps best known for giving incredibly terse, almost comically rude press conferences. Though interacting with the press is part of any football player's job, his ineptitude at doing just that has led some to speculate that Lynch suffers from acute social anxiety. It has also led others to speculate that he's just a bit of a dick. We'll probably never really know the truth behind the odd behavior of either Ashley S. or Lynch. But regardless of the reason, the phobia, the chemical interaction, in both cases it just really feels like something we shouldn't be covering on TV.

Carly - The 12th Man: CenturyLink Field, the Seahawks' stadium is supposed to be an incredibly loud place to play. So loud, in fact, that they have dubbed their crowd "the 12th man" for their ability to impact the play. I've never been to CenturyLink Field, but I have no doubt that the crowd is both noisome and enthusiastic (and that there is always at least one guy with an ironic, waxed handlebar moustache). And yet, I remain not only skeptical of but almost slightly annoyed by their claim that they can consistently impact the play. And that's how I feel about Carly...if we replace "they play" with Chris's heart.

Jillian - Tom Brady: Because no matter what anyone says, this week, Jillian bears the primary responsibility for deflating Chris's balls.