Finals, The Scores

All I can say is...there were 10,000 points available for bringing a chicken. You all missed out!

The final scores are:

Eastlake - 245 Becca - 55 Emily -  30 Jubilee - 100 Lauren H. - 25 Leah - 35

Brandon - 270            Amanda - 35                       Amber - 10                 Caila - 40                   Lace - 95                     Olivia - 90

Congrats to Brandon, this year's winner and first ever back-to-back league champion. Like the New England Patriots, the Chicago Blackhawks, and Alexis Colby Carrington, we have a dynasty, folks!

	Amanda – 35 +10 for earning audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +20 for thanking Ben for feeling bad about dumping her Important Info: I get that Ben is the greatest Bachelor ever and his face is now forever emblazoned on the 100 Harrisito piece (the currency in paradise, for those of you not familiar. Primarily used for tipping Jorge, the bartender. Leading economists value the Harrisito at 0.347 US Weekly headlines), but Amanda's praise of him was part of a larger disturbing theme of women thanking Ben for breaking their hearts and us, ostensibly swooning over it. Remember when Ben Flajnik gave Ashley a piece of his mind for dumping him, and we all celebrated him for it/anointed him the new worst ever Bachelor (of the pre-Juan Pablo era, obviously)? I miss that us.
	Amber – 10 +5 for earning audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Important Info: So...maybe it happened off camera, but...I think it's more likely that ABC just opted not to show us Jubilee, Amber, and Jami's conversation about race. Obviously, it's a touchy subject under any circumstance and ABC has a much longer history of ignoring it than of treating it with delicacy and thoughtfulness. Since we didn't get to see it, it's hard to have too many thoughts on the particular incident in question, but I will say two things: 1) I do think it matters if Jubilee said that she was the only "full" black girl vs. if she said she was the only "real" black girl. 2) I don't think anyone was tremendously confused when Jami confronted Jubilee and kept making vague references to another person. But nonetheless, when Amber deadpanned "She's talking about me. I'm the other mixed person" was very well played.
	Becca - 55 +10 for audience applause +30 for being featured in all the bloopers Bonus: +15 for calling Ben Chris. Apologies to all of you who had Becca during the regular season that this was never aired. Important Info: Watching the bloopers made me wonder if Becca isn't a robot so much as she is very uncomfortable around men. When she was around the women, she actually seemed normal and fun and capable of  veritable panoply of human emotion which were not the sort of things I believed her programming to support when she was around Ben or Chris!
	Caila – 40 +10 for audience applause +15 for being featured in bloopers +15 for confessing feelings at Chris Harrison's behest (or really having Chris Harrison confess her feelings on her behalf) Important Info: It's really no wonder than Ben "appreciates" Caila given that she is so seamlessly able to lie about how "good" it was to see Ben's relationships with Lauren B. in Jo Jo. Unless she mean it in a "because carving voodoo dolls of them while I watched you confess your love was cathartic" sort of way.
	Emily– 30 +5 for audience applause +10 for bloopers Bonus: +15 for still being treated like half a person when Ben was asked if he could differentiate between her and Haley. They made out a lot. She met his parents. She shared her hopes and dreams (although in fairness, they are Haley's hopes and dreams as well..) Important Info: Emily said it was "beyond the point" that she bullied Olivia back. I think we can all agree the main point is that Emily should not be allowed to decide what the point is.
	Jubilee – 100 +20 for audience applause +10 for crying +15 for audience boos +20 for shocked whispers of disbelief +15 for confessing feelings at Chris Harrison's behest +20 for being featured in bloopers Important Info: Dear Chris Harrison,    When trying to make a woman feel worthwhile, saying "A guy like Ben saw you and got you" maybe isn't the best approach. Especially when the subtext is "and then dumped you" rather than "and if a simpleton like him could puzzle you out, you must not be that complex."    Love, Womankind
	Lace – 95 +15 for audience applause +20 for shocked whispers of disbelief +15 for admitting feelings at Chris Harrison's behest +10 for saying the experience changed her Bonus: +10 for accepting an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise +30 for being accosted by a random audience member who had a tattoo of her face on his rib cage. Important Info: Despite all of Lace's talk about personal growth and self-actualization, you have to be pretty skeptical that she's improved that much if she agreed to give this another go 'round. But while Paradise is going to be terrible for Lace, Lace will be amazing for paradise. She is a perfect blend of self-aware and completely unfiltered, as evidenced by the fact that she told Chris Harrison that the thing she'd most want to change were some of her facial expressions. There's no question that Lace is going to fill the shoes of allstars before her like Claire and Ashley S. The only real question is what sort of animal they will edit into her scenes to make her seem even nuttier.
	Lauren H. – 25 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +15 for saying they would all sacrifice themselves for one happy relationship Important Info: Which I think was a particularly apt demonstration of the skills she can bring to her next job interview. Who doesn't want a kindergarten teacher with such a glorious track record of sharing.
	Leah – 35 +5 for (admittedly very weak) audience applause +15 for audience boos Bonus: +15 for saying she didn't intentionally lie. I'm guessing what she meant was "I intentionally lied whilst believing that I would not get caught." Yes, that's right. Leah said whilst! Important Info: As bizarre as Leah's departure initially seemed, with the wisdom of a few extra weeks, I think we can all agree she just wanted to secure her place in Paradise, right?
	Olivia – 90 +15 for audience applause +40 for shocked whispers of disbelief +10 for crying +10 for saying the experience taught her so much about herself +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +10 for apologizing to Amanda as well as all mothers everywhere. Ordinarily, apologizing would earn anti-points, but talking over Amanda's attempt to accept her apology just shows she's ready to get back behind a news desk. Important Info: I believe Olivia when she says she was bullied. So I will resist the urge to make fun of her classy, redemptive and utterly boring performance on a show that's not built for talking those kinds of smart thing.

Week 9, The Scores

A few assorted thoughts to begin our penultimate post:

1) First of all, I don't think I've ever made it through a season with so little hate in my heart. The women all seem like legitimately decent human beings who have endured even the ugliest moments of this season with something approaching dignity (the key term being "approaching" as they were undoubtedly forced to hand over their dignity for Chris Harrison to grind up into his skin cream the moment they consented to appear on the show). I almost feel like I like them, like they're real people with feelings and goals, rather than spring break bikini mannequins brought to life to honor one man's desperate wish after he was unceremoniously dumped in a Sears Canada in the midst of a mint green skinny jeans blowout sale. And usually by this point in the year, I would have developed some sort of antipathy toward Ben, rooted in his abuse of power, his belittling of one or more woman's personhood, or just a general sense of yuck. But I even find myself unable to hate Ben. Now, granted, this has a lot to do with how incredibly boring he is as I find myself equally unable to experience any real emotion about Ben: I don't hate him; I don't like him; I'm not amused by him; I don't find him "intriguing"; I don't crave a breakfast sandwich each time I look at his face (so, you know, all the important ones). But still, either these are not terrible people, my postpartum hormones have made me soft, or writing so many mean things about Becca have forced me to involuntarily become a conduit for her robot soul. 

2) It's interesting that Ben is still being painted in such a flattering light after what happened to poor Kaitlyn, as they both pretty seriously violated their contestant's trust. True, Ben didn't bang anyone outside of the show-sanctioned safe space (if there's no disease-riddled hot tub to set the coital mood, then you're basically just being slutty), but it seems like telling multiple women that he loves them is pretty much tantamount to the same thing. Research shows that women perceive emotional infidelity in the same way that women perceive the physical, and so I think we should all be preparing ourselves for Lauren B. to play the part of Sean in the SAT analogy of Bachelor nation's collective lives over minimally the next 6 months.

3) Wasn't it nice to see Chris Harrison this week?

4) Wasn't it especially nice to see Chris Harrison trying his hardest no to laugh in Jo Jo or Lauren B's face as they pretty much told him the exact same thing about Ben's unexpectedly reciprocated love?

5) Apparently Ben has now supplanted Sean Lowe as the most popular Bachelor in history. While I'm not exactly sad about the results, can someone please tell me where to register so that I can participate in these historic votes? Do I need some sort of fan club ID? Do you guys think I'd be a good test subject for a Supreme Court case exploring ABC's systematic disenfranchisement of the cynics?

Okay, on to this week's scores obtained by "doing some of the most romantic things" according to Ben. And I think we can pretty much all agree that he phrased it that way only because "some of the most romantic things" sounds ever so slightly more mature than "it."

	Caila – 95 Eliminated +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +15 for saying "I love you" +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +20 for stealing "unsanctioned time" (which really seems to be a losing strategy this year. Neither Caila nor Leah experienced the sexy results I imagine they were envisioning) +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for telling Ben his break-up speech to her sounded like a line....although she (and everyone else) deserves negative points for not commenting on how every single other thing out of the man's mouth also sounded like a line Important Info: Poor Caila. At least she can say that she went out with class. A few things that we can say: 1) "It's weird to spend a whole day together" is not really the sort of thing you should be saying about a man who you are about to get engaged to. And "Fireworks in his eyes, in the sky, in my heart" isn't really the sort of thing you should be saying outside of a 10th grade poetry class. 2) Not only is it a bad year for stealing unsanctioned time, but it also seems to be a bad year for nonverbal cues. This week Caila got a little bit Olivian with what she claimed to see in Ben's eyes. All the women would have been much better served had they realized that there is nothing of note lurking behind Ben's eyes. 3) Except for some mild skeeviness. The line "I could wake up tomorrow and know for certain that Caila's the one for me" really only has one interpretation (...And that interpretation is obviously that Ben worships at the temple of the dream oracle and he could finally muster up the needed materials for a late night sacrifice with Caila sleeping in his bed. Obviously). 4) And speaking of waking up, Caila really does wake up looking pretty ridiculously amazing. Even in comparison to Jo Jo and Lauren B. who are both incredibly pretty women in their own rights, morning after Caila was pretty awe-inspiring. Can't wait to see if hungover morning after Caila fares the same on Bachelor in Paradise Season 3!
	Jo Jo – 95 +5 for a rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 for making her date into a metaphor +15 for saying "I love you" +5 for crying +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite Bonus: +10 for Ben reciprocating her love Important Info: I'm afraid Jo Jo is being set up for heartbreak and her brothers are being set up for a boyz' trip to Dallas to kick a little Bachelor ass. But at least she had one glorious week: 1) I suspect not even Jo Jo believed she was Ben's "main squeeze" when the week started off. Mostly because she told Ben "I love when you're with me" like any self-respecting mistress might. 2) Her relief was palpable when Ben said I love you back, especially compared to the more wary Lauren. But I think I detected just a hint of shock and concern behind Ben's eyes when she started talking about how safe she now felt. 3) I am not at all surprised to learn that Jo Jo calls people "Babe." I have no reason for this lack of surprise, but I assure you it exists (or doesn't exist? Doesn't not exist? Does never not unexist? It's possible I need to spend more time talking to adults) 4) My favorite part of this episode was when Jo Jo commented on it being weird that Ben could now fit them both in one hug. It's not that I don't get what she means, but she basically told the man she allegedly "loves" that it's weird he's only seeing one other girl. 5) While I think Jo Jo is about to get blindsided, at least she'll have the consolation of being the next bachelorette, right? With her spunk, her barely noticeable tomboy side, and her husky voice she has all the standard qualifications. And I will be spending now until the announcement crossing all available digits (including my son's) that they allow her hot brothers to come on the show as fake contestants so that they can be her men on the inside and generally keep everyone in line in the house. I'm pretty sure it would be an amazing twist...unless the producers just want to go ahead and repeat last year's weirdly gross faceoff with someone like Britt.
	Lauren B. – 90 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +15 for saying "I love you" Bonus: +10 for having her love reciprocated +15 for being treated to a concert by a band that we will never hear of Important Info:  1) I'm not sure that I'm fully buying that Lauren's lifelong dream was to save the sea turtles but...it's certainly a better dream to admit to than being an NFL cheerleader. 2) So I feel relatively certain that Ben is going to pick Lauren, but after this week, doesn't he sort of have to? Otherwise, you gotta think he spent this week trying to convince Jo Jo that she's not inferior to Lauren "To Good for me" B. 3) It's really interesting that Lauren said she struggled the most with last week where she didn't have to see any of the other women and just got to hang out with Ben. It seems like not having the other women around for comparison was weirdly actually harder for her. Because she is going to win. Hard.