Episode 10, The Women Tell All

don't know why - after watching a season in which the greatest emotional excitement week after week was whether I would be bored to tears or just plain bored silly - I was still excited to hear what all the women had to tell, but I went into this episode with the same blind enthusiasm I bring to every penultimate episode of this stilted, formulaic series. Unfortunately, this episode played out exactly like the rest of this surprise-less season of fabricated drama and left me feeling rather uninspired. So this week, I'm pretending that I didn't sink yet another two hours of my life into this dull reality TV sinkhole and am focusing on the top ten things the producers could have done to make this episode worthy of all of our time and the stultifying choices that were made instead.

10. Diversify the Watch Parties
So I don't want to pull a Desiree here and suggest that I just "think differently that everyone else" because frankly I'm neither that arrogant nor that special, but if this season has made me realize anything, it's that I've really lost touch with what America wants in a reality television star.  Aside from my deep and abiding loath for "fan favorite" Desiree, I just do not understand what America still sees in Sean. I just kept waiting for him to show up at that watch party only to be greeted by a much deserved punch in the fact (or someone telling him to take the words "uninvited guest" out of his vocabulary or really, anything South of gleeful screaming. If Sean showed up at my house  I'd just be pissed about the extent to which he was limiting my ability to scoff disgustedly in real time while watching his performance). I also probably would have settled for watching him get arrested at the sorority house for exposing himself to minors (not to mention it would be a relief to know that he could never move in next to me - I live with a quarter mile of a school), but I did not need to watch group after group greet him with (I would hope) insincere delight.

9. Give everyone a Chance to Talk
You'd think they'd have learned, after all these years, that the Women Tell All is really a chance for the background players, the silent soldiers in the conquest of Sean's heart, to shine. Both Jaclyn and Nick spent the majority of their seasons making judgmental faces and doing push-ups respectively (although I like to picture Jaclyn making judgmental faces while doing push-ups.  I think most would eventually give way to the grimace of exertion, but I suspect that Jaclyn's commitment to disdain is stronger than most) while others dominated the attention of their potential future spouse. It was solely on the strength of their Women/Men Tell All performance they that were handed the keys to the Bachelor Pad mansion and were really given the chance to shine. In this week's episode, they allowed for a few gems from the previously silent Brooke, but mostly stuck to the already overexposed AshLee, Desiree, Sarah, and Tierra and I think quite a few opportunities were lost. Why didn't we get to learn about Taryn's experience in the witness protection program (I completely wouldn't have recognized her if I was hunting her and her plucky, precocious nine-year old trying to discover what her ex-husband did with my money)? Why didn't we hear about how Diana felt about Sean not allowing her to stay on the show and abandon her kid? And did they really think that watching Ashley P react to her embarrassing prop-driven entrance was sufficient?  It was not. We wanted to relive it in her own, probably still drunk, words.

8.  Rein Chris in on the Emotional Blackmail
There's seriously little I hate more than watching Chris Harrison try to extract emotionally tortured confessions of love during the Women Tell All. It was bad when he did it with Ashley Hebert who clearly wasn't that into Brad, and it was even worse watching him do it with poor Sarah who had already given us ample emotional vulnerability on the subject. 

7. Roll the Tape
We probably spend 30 minutes of every WTA episode watching footage that we've already seen, so why not deploy it a bit more creatively? I think the producers overestimated just how interesting it would be to watch Tierra defend herself against an onslaught of angry women, just because they have consistently overestimated how interesting we all find Tierra. Rather than having her sit there and think poutily about whether or not she has anything to apologize, why not role the tape and have her act as play-by-play commentator for her own horrid game? At the very least, this would enable us to avoid hearing her victim-mentality delusions yet another time.


6. Be Sure you Always Have Tape to Roll
How is it possible that, after 17 seasons, there's still so much that they fail to capture on film? I know that they capture hours upon hours of footage, so why should I have to hear about Tierra's unfriendliness to Selma after Selma's heroic defense of her? If Tierra ignored all of these girls out, I should be able to see it on screen (preferably set to Foreigner's Cold as Ice to really build the drama). I've been critical of the editing team all season, but is beyond irresponsible.  This is downright negligent.

5. Ban Apologies
There's nothing I hate worse than watching a woman who has been made to see the error of her ways by the bright lights and audience participation of the Women Tell All. Villains should not be allowed to apologize. They should revel in their villainy. Although Tierra word-smith-wizardry enabled her to drop an apology that was less an act of contrition than an act of blame ("I'm sorry that you guys thought I wasn't trying" is only a tiny step above "I'm sorry you're so stupid and have such an ugly face"), she shouldn't have to apologize at all. She should be celebrated and revealed as the hero she is for launching her ship of bitchiness in this turnulent sea of bland.

4. Ask the Girls How they Really Feel 
It strikes me as a huge opportunity lost that they don't ask each women to comment on who they think Sean should pick. It occured to me after I watched multiple women face rejection that there is such a huge potential for harbored resentment that they never really let play out. Is Catherine really as big of a nutjob as her sisters suggest? Does Lindsay talk in a baby voice even when she's, you know, just asking someone to grab her a diet coke from the fridge? Many of these women have spent more time with Lindsay and Catherine than even Sean (although I suppose that same designation could be given to, say, Catherine's dentist or Lindsay's friendly neighborhood fish mongerer), and after most ladies boarded the limo with a sort of cagey classiness that the viewing audience could have done without, we are in serious need to some behind the scenes dirt.

3. Don't Show Your Hand
Look, unless Sean and his betrothed break up between the finale and After the Final Rose, the only reason to endure that painful ode to improbable and doomed love is to see who's going to be the next bachelorette. And, after watching this week's episode, I'd be shocked to learn that it isn't Desiree. From her totally unnecessary time in the hot seat to her unsubtle giggle when Chris Harrison said he knew she was "really looking to find love," it just seemed pretty clear that she's going to be the presumptive heir to the franchise throne. And letting that slip a week early just gives me one more week to dread.

2. Show us the Angry

In fairness, given that this show tapes a couples of months after all the other episodes, it's actually pretty reasonable that most of the girls would be completely over the guy that they shared a very romantic 47 minutes with. But there has got to be a better way to get these girls amped up and out for blood the moment Sean steps onto that sound stage. Maybe make a montage of Sean saying "I'm crazy about you" to every girl in quick succession and air it in the green room?  Or make them watch him give Tierra the first impression rose on loop?  There's got to be some way to get them a little bit heated and do away with all of this mature and aloof and "I want the best for him" nonsense. They did an okay job of this with AshLee although they had a giant and unpredictable assist on that one from Sean. Either she is much, much crazier than any of us realized or he is a much bigger dick.  It really could go either way on this one...

1. Make Better Choices for your "Never Before Seen Footage"
Seriously, enough with the bloopers. Tierra said that all of the girls gossiped about each other, and I believe her. Show me the footage! In fact, don't just show me the footage. Spend the first twenty minutes showing me the footage and then the next hour letting me watch the fallout as the girls are forced to swallow to cruel digs and comments on botched plastic surgeries made by their alleged friends.