Amanda - 0
	AshLee – 20 Bonus: +15 for saying Sean said he had no feelings for the other girls +5 for saying Sean “wasn’t who she thought he was and that he acted like a frat boy
	Brooke – 15 Bonus: +15 for saying the other girls were upset that they didn’t think of Tierra’s fake injury game first Catherine – 10 Bonus: Even though she wasn’t actually on the episode, I must give Catherine +10 for saying that she and Sean are each other’s biggest troubadours. If for no other reason that because it makes me picture Sean in tights and a puffy neck ruffle, walking the streets of Dallas and playing the lute.
	Daniella - 0
	Desiree – 15 +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for saying AshLee fell in love with Sean because she saw him on TV as if she’s somehow better than that
	Diana - 0 Jackie - 5     +5 for a rose
	Kacie – 0 Poor Kacie.  I’m sure she didn’t envision being relegated to the background when she signed up for round 2 of this mess. Kristy – 0 Katie – 0 Did she even show up?  I think not.
	Lesley M. – 5 Bonus: +5 for saying Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big. Leslie H. - 0
	Lindsay – 5 Bonus: +5 for “never before seen’ footage of her saying that AshLee will throw you under the bus to get her man.
	Robyn – 0 Emotional maturity never pays!
	Sarah – 5 +5 for crying
	Selma – 10 Bonus: ­+5 for telling Tierra that she has to hide her crazy
	Taryn - 0 Tierra – 30 Bonus: +10 for saying that people judge her for what she looks like, implying that the other girls hated her because she’s just so pretty +15 for dropping that she was Little Miss Nevada. WHY? +5 for being weirdly cagey about when she got engaged. She knows how to keep a story going.

  

  

Episode 10, The Women Tell All

don't know why - after watching a season in which the greatest emotional excitement week after week was whether I would be bored to tears or just plain bored silly - I was still excited to hear what all the women had to tell, but I went into this episode with the same blind enthusiasm I bring to every penultimate episode of this stilted, formulaic series. Unfortunately, this episode played out exactly like the rest of this surprise-less season of fabricated drama and left me feeling rather uninspired. So this week, I'm pretending that I didn't sink yet another two hours of my life into this dull reality TV sinkhole and am focusing on the top ten things the producers could have done to make this episode worthy of all of our time and the stultifying choices that were made instead.

10. Diversify the Watch Parties
So I don't want to pull a Desiree here and suggest that I just "think differently that everyone else" because frankly I'm neither that arrogant nor that special, but if this season has made me realize anything, it's that I've really lost touch with what America wants in a reality television star.  Aside from my deep and abiding loath for "fan favorite" Desiree, I just do not understand what America still sees in Sean. I just kept waiting for him to show up at that watch party only to be greeted by a much deserved punch in the fact (or someone telling him to take the words "uninvited guest" out of his vocabulary or really, anything South of gleeful screaming. If Sean showed up at my house  I'd just be pissed about the extent to which he was limiting my ability to scoff disgustedly in real time while watching his performance). I also probably would have settled for watching him get arrested at the sorority house for exposing himself to minors (not to mention it would be a relief to know that he could never move in next to me - I live with a quarter mile of a school), but I did not need to watch group after group greet him with (I would hope) insincere delight.

9. Give everyone a Chance to Talk
You'd think they'd have learned, after all these years, that the Women Tell All is really a chance for the background players, the silent soldiers in the conquest of Sean's heart, to shine. Both Jaclyn and Nick spent the majority of their seasons making judgmental faces and doing push-ups respectively (although I like to picture Jaclyn making judgmental faces while doing push-ups.  I think most would eventually give way to the grimace of exertion, but I suspect that Jaclyn's commitment to disdain is stronger than most) while others dominated the attention of their potential future spouse. It was solely on the strength of their Women/Men Tell All performance they that were handed the keys to the Bachelor Pad mansion and were really given the chance to shine. In this week's episode, they allowed for a few gems from the previously silent Brooke, but mostly stuck to the already overexposed AshLee, Desiree, Sarah, and Tierra and I think quite a few opportunities were lost. Why didn't we get to learn about Taryn's experience in the witness protection program (I completely wouldn't have recognized her if I was hunting her and her plucky, precocious nine-year old trying to discover what her ex-husband did with my money)? Why didn't we hear about how Diana felt about Sean not allowing her to stay on the show and abandon her kid? And did they really think that watching Ashley P react to her embarrassing prop-driven entrance was sufficient?  It was not. We wanted to relive it in her own, probably still drunk, words.

8.  Rein Chris in on the Emotional Blackmail
There's seriously little I hate more than watching Chris Harrison try to extract emotionally tortured confessions of love during the Women Tell All. It was bad when he did it with Ashley Hebert who clearly wasn't that into Brad, and it was even worse watching him do it with poor Sarah who had already given us ample emotional vulnerability on the subject. 

7. Roll the Tape
We probably spend 30 minutes of every WTA episode watching footage that we've already seen, so why not deploy it a bit more creatively? I think the producers overestimated just how interesting it would be to watch Tierra defend herself against an onslaught of angry women, just because they have consistently overestimated how interesting we all find Tierra. Rather than having her sit there and think poutily about whether or not she has anything to apologize, why not role the tape and have her act as play-by-play commentator for her own horrid game? At the very least, this would enable us to avoid hearing her victim-mentality delusions yet another time.


6. Be Sure you Always Have Tape to Roll
How is it possible that, after 17 seasons, there's still so much that they fail to capture on film? I know that they capture hours upon hours of footage, so why should I have to hear about Tierra's unfriendliness to Selma after Selma's heroic defense of her? If Tierra ignored all of these girls out, I should be able to see it on screen (preferably set to Foreigner's Cold as Ice to really build the drama). I've been critical of the editing team all season, but is beyond irresponsible.  This is downright negligent.

5. Ban Apologies
There's nothing I hate worse than watching a woman who has been made to see the error of her ways by the bright lights and audience participation of the Women Tell All. Villains should not be allowed to apologize. They should revel in their villainy. Although Tierra word-smith-wizardry enabled her to drop an apology that was less an act of contrition than an act of blame ("I'm sorry that you guys thought I wasn't trying" is only a tiny step above "I'm sorry you're so stupid and have such an ugly face"), she shouldn't have to apologize at all. She should be celebrated and revealed as the hero she is for launching her ship of bitchiness in this turnulent sea of bland.

4. Ask the Girls How they Really Feel 
It strikes me as a huge opportunity lost that they don't ask each women to comment on who they think Sean should pick. It occured to me after I watched multiple women face rejection that there is such a huge potential for harbored resentment that they never really let play out. Is Catherine really as big of a nutjob as her sisters suggest? Does Lindsay talk in a baby voice even when she's, you know, just asking someone to grab her a diet coke from the fridge? Many of these women have spent more time with Lindsay and Catherine than even Sean (although I suppose that same designation could be given to, say, Catherine's dentist or Lindsay's friendly neighborhood fish mongerer), and after most ladies boarded the limo with a sort of cagey classiness that the viewing audience could have done without, we are in serious need to some behind the scenes dirt.

3. Don't Show Your Hand
Look, unless Sean and his betrothed break up between the finale and After the Final Rose, the only reason to endure that painful ode to improbable and doomed love is to see who's going to be the next bachelorette. And, after watching this week's episode, I'd be shocked to learn that it isn't Desiree. From her totally unnecessary time in the hot seat to her unsubtle giggle when Chris Harrison said he knew she was "really looking to find love," it just seemed pretty clear that she's going to be the presumptive heir to the franchise throne. And letting that slip a week early just gives me one more week to dread.

2. Show us the Angry

In fairness, given that this show tapes a couples of months after all the other episodes, it's actually pretty reasonable that most of the girls would be completely over the guy that they shared a very romantic 47 minutes with. But there has got to be a better way to get these girls amped up and out for blood the moment Sean steps onto that sound stage. Maybe make a montage of Sean saying "I'm crazy about you" to every girl in quick succession and air it in the green room?  Or make them watch him give Tierra the first impression rose on loop?  There's got to be some way to get them a little bit heated and do away with all of this mature and aloof and "I want the best for him" nonsense. They did an okay job of this with AshLee although they had a giant and unpredictable assist on that one from Sean. Either she is much, much crazier than any of us realized or he is a much bigger dick.  It really could go either way on this one...

1. Make Better Choices for your "Never Before Seen Footage"
Seriously, enough with the bloopers. Tierra said that all of the girls gossiped about each other, and I believe her. Show me the footage! In fact, don't just show me the footage. Spend the first twenty minutes showing me the footage and then the next hour letting me watch the fallout as the girls are forced to swallow to cruel digs and comments on botched plastic surgeries made by their alleged friends.

Week 9, The Scores

	AshLee - 35 +10 for facing a fear +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for crying Bonus: +15 for going ice cold bitch on her exit. Well played, AshLee.  I didn't know you had it in you.
	Catherine - 35 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +15 for revealing her "love" for Sean
	Lindsay - 15 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for crying Sidebar: Apparently, I shouldn't have awarded her points for revealing her "love" for Sean last week since she made a big deal about doing it this week.  So I haven't awarded it here just so it evens out.

Episode 9, Closing Arguments: On Catherine

If Lindsay's the one that Sean wants to end up with, then Catherine's the one he probably should end up with. All three of these ladies seem like genuinely decent individuals, but Catherine's the only one who seems like she'd push Sean at all to be something better than the gross patronizing good ole boy he is, the only one who wouldn't be content to take a word out of her vocabulary just because he said she should and the only one who brings out a goofy nerdy side of him instead of the big, strong protector (though she does call him "hunky" an awful lot, so maybe, in his mind, that balances everything out). But while Catherine might be the best chance Sean has at less-disgusting-persondom, she's also probably the most likely to flee for Argentina when she grows bored of him between the finale and the filming of After the Final Rose, so without further ado, here's Catherine:

Pro: She too has a serious side
Actually, if we're ranking the ladies on tragedies (which, we're not because that would be a horrible, horrible thing to do and it would be incredibly difficult to come up with anything near a reliable metric), Catherine might have experienced more hardship in her life than poor, abandoned AshLee. She carries it a bit differently, but she's certainly got the chops to reign Sean in and get his tragedy boner out of its holster.
Con: She can and will take care of her damn self
However, though Catherine drops these little bombs of sadness with some regularity, she doesn't seem to do it so that Sean can heal her. In fact, she even seems to try and distance herself from him every time she introduces one of her tales of woe into the conversation. I can't imagine Sean will be content to let her keep her own house in order or even to let her find her own tissues.

Pro: She brings out a side of Sean that is so unique that it cannot be captured on film

I believe that Sean and Catherine have a relationship that is quirky and nerdy and unique, but, while we've heard about this relationship countless times from both Sean and Catherine themselves, we have not seen a single minute of it captured on film. With so many stilted relationships and canned conversations, I think the majority of the viewing audience would be delighted to see something fun and a little bit different, but instead we're being spoonfed the same old slop.
Con: Her outtake on their impending nuptials is also rather unique
Unlike the other girls on the show, including several of the ladies who went home on night one, Catherine doesn't seem super eager to get engaged. Her response to her sister's question of what she would do if Sean proposed was, "Yeah, I'd like to try it out." Not exactly a ringing endorsement of her eagerness to walk down the aisle. While I commend Catherine on her practicality and hopes it helps ease her pain if she's the one standing at the Neil Lane jewelry counter returning her prize six months hence, it doesn't really seem like it's what Sean's hoping to hear.

Pro: She's smart
Bar none, the best line of this episode was when Sean said, "She's very intelligent, and we have something that I don't share with the other two women." I know that they were probably unrelated thoughts that just occurred in succession, but still, it was pretty amazing.
Con: She has spinster sisters
Because Catherine's so smart, though, she's probably read Jane Austen, and if she's learned anything from Austen, then surely she knows that once she lands herself an eligible man, it will become her responsibility to ensure that her spinster sisters are accounted for as well and he will be forced to spend weekend after weekend escorting them to balls and chaperoning them as they pursue no account militia-men whose gambling debts are only surpassed by their tragic back stories. Seriously, though, it was kind of ridiculous how Catherine tried to pawn off her sisters' concerns on the fact that they "weren't at the same place in their lives" and explained that she has a "married friend who she can talk to about these sorts of things." I mean, seriously Catherine, I know you're on the verge of a potential engagement, but four months ago, you were every bit as single as they were. Your whirlwind romance with a man who has been essentially practicing polygamy since you met is no more an excuse for your distant relationship with your sisters than it is for the craziness that they tried to warn Sean of.

Episode 9, Closing Arguments: On Lindsay

At this point in the season, all other things being equal, it seems like Lindsay is the one that Sean really wants to marry. She's the one Sean can't keep his hands off, the one that he's falling in love with (well, the one that's left anyway), and the one who he's started to think of as his best friend (even if he hadn't said that, you could tell because they have one inside joke...that dominates roughly 20% of their conversations...that is really not funny to anyone but them). But Lindsay is not without flaws, so Sean will have to weigh his decisions carefully as he prepares for the big proposal in a couple of weeks.

Pro: She is open to whatever Sean wants to do
While I did like that Lindsay's reaction to the bug-eating was "If Sean can do it, I can do it," the fact that she said she'd do anything but eat bugs and was promptly brought to the conveniently located bug stand in the Thai market was pretty classic Bachelor. And while I know that none of these girls actually truly have free will while they're on the show - there's clearly a low-level producer or key grip whose sole job is to spread rumors that make it clear that anyone who says no to Sean will immediately be sent home (I mean, look at what happened to poor Selma) - it really did seem like Lindsay would be chomping on the creepy crawlies and slurping down the sixth leg even if the cameras weren't turned on.
Con: She's probably open to whatever anyone wants to do due to her complete lack of impulse control
That being said, it kind of seems like she'd be open to whatever anyone said to her due to her total lack of impulse control and critical thinking ability.  This is the girl who donned a wedding dress on the first night and got totally blotto. It seems like her inability to say "no" might not simply be a sign of her devotion to Sean, but just the way she functions in general, and I'm not sure Sean's going to be quite so thrilled with his decision when she flashes the paparazzi employed by U.S. Weekly or adopts a stray armadillo because it looked at her with sad eyes.

Pro: Sean feels like he's with her high school sweetheart when he's with her
First of all, we clearly need to add points for causing the Bachelor/ette to say that he/she "feels like he/she is with his/her best friend" because Sean is not the only franchise representative who can't stop those words from spilling out of his mouth multiple times per episode. In addition to this, though, this week Sean likened Lindsay to his high school sweetheart, and I get what he's saying. Lindsay's giggly and young and relatively low-maintenance, and it makes sense that spending time with her would make Sean hearken back to a time when relationships were simpler and very, very sweet.
Con: What adult really wants to end up with their high school sweetheart?
That being said, there's a reason that most people don't wind up with their high school sweethearts, and that's because most people grow up as they age and their relationships and interests evolve. Most people probably have some sense of nostalgia for their first serious romance, but most of us also have memories of having dramatic fights in front of Mike Jefferey's locker and getting in trouble for breaking curfew and awkward dry-humping.



Pro: She strikes an excellent balance between tragic and ridiculous
Sean mentioned the first night that he realized that he could marry Lindsay and it was their first date in Montana. This wasn't the first time they kissed, or the first time that Sean realized there was more to her than just vodka and randomly firing synapses. It was the first time that she revealed her personal tragedy. We know, from the experience of poor AshLee, that Sean doesn't want a woman whose baggage keeps her from blindly following his every mandate, but clearly, he needs a little something troubling so that he can feel a connection.
Con: She doesn't understand how gravity works
After this season, you'd think everyone in America understood how gravity worked, but Lindsay still seems to be struggling. As you may recall, I awarded Lindsay points last week because she said she was "falling in love with Sean" and I honestly thought that would be the end of it. But for some reason, this week she was huffing and puffing and causing dinner table awkwardness because she now needed to tell Sean that she was "in love with him." This, to me, was more than a little ridiculous. While I understand the semantic difference between the two sentiments, I don't think there's an emotional one. By saying that you're "falling in love" with someone, you're implying that you'll very soon reach the eventual destination without any real chance of being diverted. Falling in love isn't traditionally seen as the metaphorical equivalent of flying a jet plane. You can't just pull up if you get too close to the rocky peaks of actual love below (though I imagine Lindsay couldn't actually pull up in a jet plane either...unless General Yenter is considerably more intense with his child-rearing than her hometown date led us to believe).