Comment dites-vous ‘ennuyez’?

I’m bored with this seasonzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... *ahem* During last night’s episode, I only half paid attention – the rest of it was diverted by checking email, showering, breaking up cat fights (literally, cat fights between my two cats, who sometimes have dominance issues), and online bathing suit shopping (if anyone has tips on cute, relatively inexpensive bikinis with bottoms that stay put, let me know). I’m sure our fine commissioner Megan has some lovely blogs planned for this week, but in case you are like me and can barely stay interested during the show, or pine for the days of shirtless drunk men lounging by the pool and getting into bro fights over whose pecs are bigger, below is a quick recap in pictures. Why? Saves time. The brain processes visuals 60,000 faster than text, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go.

Apparently, Andi is in love with multiple people:

Josh and Andi go on a one-on-one, where they sucked face a lot and a bird pooped on Josh:

Andi starred her own cheesy Suave commercial with featured guests Des and Catherine (whose hair still looked like crap from their commercials).

A mime group date horrifies the people of Marseilles. This captures the sentiment perfectly:

Andi finds out on her one-on-one with Brian that he is petrified of cooking, to the point where he barely talks to her in the kitchen:

Andi is bored, skips the cocktail party, and clear cuts 3 guys, including Chris Bukowski-wannabe lookalike Andrew, Cookie Monster Marquel, and “Lots of people -- "not just girls" -- say I have all the "qualities" one looks for in a husband” Patrick. Peace out, homies.

They also kept plugging Rising Wall, a new ABC show which basically looks like every other voice talent show ever, except they created a 2-ton, gazillion foot wall to raise and lower behind contestants based on their vote, so I’m sure at some point it’s going to experience a mechanical failure and come crashing down on Ke$ha (one of the judges). Just fyi.

Photos courtesy of the Interwebs.

Week 3, The Scores

The long awaited scores from last week - big thanks to Maggie for keeping us all entertained in the face of my delinquency. Hopefully I haven't caused too many sleepless nights as you've all been waiting to learn where you stand. Although I wouldn't be shocked to learn that the gentlemens' epic singing prowess haunted your dreams

	Andrew – 30 Important Info: So, Andrew's a dick, right? I mean, I don't really care about the whole getting the hostess's number. He's dating a girl who's literally seeing 20 other dudes - I feel like one set of digits can be excused and the way that J.J. waited a week (which I initially, Freudian-ly typed as "weak") and then essentially called in his big brother Josh was pretty weak sauce. That being said, his reaction to their attack which include the line, "I like to give people the beenfit of the doubt and I don't worry if you're a dork or an asshole or nerdy," left me feeling every bit as certain that he's not the most delightful of men as I am about his inability to correctly enact the phrase "benefit of the doubt." +10 for questioning if Nick is there for the right reasons +10 for 2 roses Bonus: +20 for getting someone's number
	Bradley – 25 Eliminated Important Info: Bradley is basically a caricature of the preppy villain from every National Lampoon villain ever and yet, I feel he is gone from us too soon. Will I miss his constant, aggressive opera singing and his smug, insufferable face? No, but during his exit interview, Bradley said he "loved to be loved" and I feel like, in time, he was really the kind of guy who I could have loved to hate.  +25 for plugging his career harder than any career has ever been plugged
	Brett – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Not the way I would have chosen for you to go out buddy. Surely, Brett must have engaged in some sort of ukulele- playing or homemade pickling that simply happened off-screen.
	Brian – 50 Important Info: Okay, I have to say, when it comes to Brian, I get it. It is undeniably attractive to watch men do things that they excel at (unless you're a creationist - because it really is Charles Darwin backing this theory up) and Brian not only got to do that this week, he did it while generally being adorable. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness (a lot) +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose
	Chris – 10 Important Info: Too bad she's already married, because otherwise I'd be all about setting Chris up with Renee. How cute was it to watch him play Den mom to poor, devastated Dylan (and how much more appropriate was his reaction than Andi's). In my head, I've decided that he had a private word with Andi in the first of the week's episodes to ensure that Dylan got himself a one-on-one date in the second (especially since, let's be real. Andi's just not that perceptive). He's totally going to get pushed out by his flashier, more demonstrative peers, but I'm a pretty big fan +10 for 2 date roses
	Cody – 25 Important Info: It's hard to remember the first time I played a prank on my husband. It might have been the time I told him I lived with my parents, or the time I hid haddock with the spare tire in teh trunk of his car. Or perhaps it was the time I covered him in body glitter as he slept then woke him up by waving a tassled bra in his face and screeching about a stripper. Except for that I didn't do any of those things because that would be super crazy. It might be nice that Andi's thinking about him as Cody claimed, but I guarantee those thoughts aren't trending toward the romantic.   +10 for having Andi pull a prank on him +10 for 2 roses Bonus: +5 for saying, "Whatever happens, this is an awesome experience." Seriously Cody, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. That's basically what people say to their bunkmate on the verge of going into battle.
	Dylan – 60 Important Info: Poor Dylan. It was inarguably an ill-timed, cringingly explained pity rose. And it's just so blatantly clear that Dylan's not going to be the man left standing at the end. While it's hard to imagine a graceful way in which Andi could have sent him packing, it's basically a cruelty to keep him from the women of Boston who, I assure you, are clamoring to mother him slash run their fingers through his greasy, greasy hair.  +5 for a rose +5 for crying +30 for all of the personal tragedy in the world +20 for a date rose
	Eric – 125 Eliminated-ish Important Info: Can we just say he was right and she was wrong and move on? One of my favorite former students once angrily yelled "I DO NOT HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS" across a crowded cafeteria. Andi said, "I respect your openness" in the exact same way. +5 for a rose +10 for revealing he was raised Mormon which isn't a tragedy per se, but seriously, what is with all the Mormon's on this show? +100 for being kicked off the show outside of game play Bonus: +10 for calling Andi a TV actress. That was amazing. And I'm sure very, very true
	J.J. – 95 Important Info: So, yes, portions of JJ and Andi's old age makeup date were pretty darling. Despite the fact that they clearly aged Andi considerably less, JJ really did make the best out of what was inarguably an aggressive and weird first date. That being said, he loses a substantial percentage of the points for then acting like the purpose of the date was to go out and confuse people, as if the sight of old people in the park, nay, in any public location is somehow inherently confusing.  +10 for being called perfect for the date he was on +5 for date kissing +10 for revealing he used to be picked on and that really bizarrely that he and his ex-girlfriend used to be super competitive with each other +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +20 for a date rose +15 for tattling on Andrew...sort of...to Josh... +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for giving Andi a Werther's. Which was amazing.
	Josh – 55 Important Info: I'm weirdly in alignment with Andi on this one. There really is something about Josh. His terrible underarm tattoos, his solo post-loss solemn reflection, and the fact that he had anything complimentary to say about high heel sneakers should all be red flags (as should his use of the phrase "grown-ass man." My husband uses that all the time, but it's generally after I've made him do something like hunt for Easter Eggs or practice our West African Tupperware drumming - not generally in the midst of an altercation), and yet somehow, something about Josh M. is working for me and I can see him hanging in there until the very end.  +10 for questioning whether Andrew is there for the right reasons +10 for being upset about not getting a one-on-one +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +5 for a rose
	Marcus – 70 Important Info: After Nick took an early lead, Marcus has inched him out as front runner for the guy who cares a little too much a little too early. The fact that Andi didn't cring and say "too soon, too soon" is a clear sign that she's pretty into him (also a clear sign - the fact that she didn't punch him when he said "I'm more scared that you. I promise." Because a) How could he possibly know that? Is he in on some sort of Monsters, Inc. style sceme where he's mastered how to bottle and/or quantify fear. If so, when do we get to hear him reveal that secret. Surely, it can't wait for hometowns, and b) That is just not a helpful thing to say at all unless you are a wild animal or otherwise the source of that fear). +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one +5 for a rose +15 for saying he is falling in love with Andi, especially since too soon, too soon, too soon! +10 for facing a fear +10 for being treated to a concert of someone I've never heard of before. +20 for a date rose
	Marquel – 20 Important Info: It's way too early in the season to make such predictions, but if the season ended tomorrow, Marquel would be my front runner to be the next Bachelor. He's charismatic, he seems to be a delightful conversationalist, and he's a really refreshing mix of manly and feminine (give that none of those descriptors were "so mind-numbingly boring that I am forced to compose a limerick about distinguishing portions of his anatomy to keep from totally tun out," I'm pretty sure the ABC producers have already rejected that idea out of hand). +10 for kissing in a group date setting +10 for 2 roses
	Nick V. – 45 Important Info: Nick knows how to play the Game (not the game of basketball, obviously, as he made about 14 football references while trying to talk smack during the group date). From bringing up his "schoolboy crush" to ordering flowers for the cocktail party to a secret admirer note that just had to have been from him, Nick could pretty much teach a master class in how to take things to the next level and it is working for him despite his increasingly punchable face. +5 for kissing on a date +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for sending flowers to the cocktail party - seriously, why hasn't anyone ever done that before?
	Patrick – 10 Important Info: Patrick is a person who is ostensibly still on this show. That is all. +10 for 2 roses
	Ron – 50 Left the Show Important Info: If Nick could teach a master class on how to hang around on this show, then Ron could teach a master class on how to leave it. Personal tragedy is this show's bread and butter, and I have all the respect in the world for the fact that Ron didn't try to parlay his friend's death into extra time on film. It's disgusting that I even had to write that as that should probably just be the baseline level of human decency, but in years past, this occurrence would have almost certainly resulted in a series of interviews and an "urgent" conversation with the Bachelor/Bachelorette. And Ron paid far better tribute to his friend's memory by avoiding cameras until he could quietly sneak out the back. +50 for leaving the show

Tasos – 5 Eliminated Important Info: I don't really have anything to say about Tasos this week. But it's cool. It was made pretty clear that he's not really worthy of our attentions anyway. +5 for a rose

Almost Halfway Into This Season’s 'Journey' – WWJD?

If you’re like me and you feel like we’re already halfway through the season of the Bachelorette even though we’ve only seen four episodes (how is that possible? What with all the personal angst, drama and lack of any major eye candy to drool over, it feels like it’s dragged on forever), imagine how Andi feels.  Oh wait, we already know – she told us she’s ‘exhausted’ in the last episode.

To get us all through to the end, I think we need a mood booster – yes, a mood booster, courtesy of Bachelorette alumni, Jen Scheftt. How, you ask? Well, I was the lucky recipient of Jen’s book, Better Single Than Sorry (c. 2007) for my birthday this year from our fine commissioner, Megan. Such a gift could not have been bestowed on a more enthusiastic recipient!

Among the 20 chapters (plus Five Parts, plus Epilogue) of advice Jen offers are interstitial “Mood Boosters” to help ‘keep a pep in your step’ (as Patti Stranger would say) during the dating game of life. It sounds like Andi has reached the point where she’s starting to question some of the guys’ motives and examine them all more closely (or, at least, more closely with her tongue). I’m all for purging when needed and separating the wheat from the chaff, and so is Jen. In fact, Andi could look to Jen’s “Funny Reasons Women Have Been Turned Off by a Man” (p. 157) for reasons to axe more of the guys, because why should she settle for less? These include:

“He left voice mails in different accents.”

“He signed every email with ‘Peace in the Middle East.’”

“He had way too much cover up on a pimple.”

“He wore a blousy leather jacket with an elastic waistband.”

“We went to see Star Trek: The Next Generation, and he pumped his fists in the air in excitement when the Starship Enterprise went across the screen.” (Note: Oh come on. I would be the same way about Darth Vader in a Star Wars movie.)

“His hair smelled like bad cheese.”

“He spoke these words: 'My biggest passion in life is being a thespian'."

“He wore high-tops.” (Note: Depending on how you wear these, I don't necessarily consider this a deal breaker. For instance, Alexander Skarsgard can wear high tops any time he damn well wants to. He can wear an electric blue wig, hula skirt and sparkly purple pasties for all I care, and I would still want to get me some of that. Alex – call me). 

Andi, if any of these guys start taking you to Trekkie conventions, speaking with Klingon accents, wearing blousy leather jackets and using cheese in their daily hair routines, you know what to do. But leave Alexander Skarsgard (in all his high-topped glory) to ME.

Week 3, The Girl

Solvang, California which is, no joke, where I was. Can you
 believe Andi and the gang didn't go here? It feels like a missed
opportunity.

I was hoping to knock a few posts out quickly before I made may way to L.A., followed by a little jaunt up the coast to Santa Barbara (Either because I wanted to really get into my roles as commissioner this year by channeling Andi on the Dorfman trail of tears or I had a mildly coincidental wedding to attend). It's small consolation to me that last week's two-episode ordeal is to be followed by a week of nothing because the strain of watching two vaguely action-packed but largely banal sets of dates will surely have me spending the mini hiatus convalescing on my fainting couch (which is, of course, where I write all my blog posts, eat the vast majority of my bon bons, and, of course, concoct all my schemes for all to ensnare the men in my neighborhood who are of adequate fortune and marriageable age). But whether we blame the high dosage week or Andi's actions, I have feelings about this week and they ain't all "anxious" or "nervous" or, you know, good:

- I usually refrain from commenting on date dinners because they tend to be in highly predictable if mildly hilarious locations. I can't say for sure whether overcooked salmon is better pushed around your plate in an enchanted grotto or a bioluminescent cave or an historic and probably haunted pre-Columbian Inn (mostly because, regardless of location, I would eat the damn salmon), but I can say that this week's date with Nick was particularly ridiculous. Don't get me wrong. A courthouse is as inappropriate a place as any to murmur about vaguely before very obviously failing to eat a plate of good, but this was so clearly a telegraphed reminder of "Hey, no matter what happens - let's remember, she's a lawyer" that I can't even treat it with the concerted disinterest I usually feign while wishing I had their food.

- On the one hand, Boyz II Men (which incidentally, were the authors of my first ever compact disc: Boyz II Men II for which the liner notes cleverly replaced the word "to" and all of it's homophones with the sexier Roman Numeral) is so, so much better than this show. On the other hand, any guy who wasn't completely geeking out by their appearance was completely incorrect.

- Nothing made me happier last week than the editors' decision to cut from one of the guys describing the scene as "People hanging out of windows and off o balconies and stuff - it's nuts" straight to a shot of three women sitting calmly and without any sort of ill-advised "hanging" on their deck. Thank you editors. You are forgive your past sins. 

- Andi is apparently planning to take up heavy, heavy smoking some time in the next 50 years.

- I have to say, it also made me feel incredibly happy to see the difference between the WNBA date and that horrible Italian soccer date from Des' season. Alpha males or not, it is a huge testament to this gang's utter lack of Juan Pablo-style machismo that every guy out there knew from the start just how badly they were going to get their asses handed to them.

- Does anyone enjoy the harrowing fear of heights dates? Seriously, is there a focus group somewhere that is telling ABC that all the best love stories involve crippling mental anguish and some sort of heavy-handed trust metaphors (and if so, can I have the members' home addresses? I have a whole stack of magazines just itching to be cut up into threatening letters)?

- Is it just me or is the tragedy just a little too tragic to handle this year? Maybe everything just feels heavier in light of what happened to Eric - and I know it's all ostensibly "real," but between Eric, the death of Ron's friend, and pretty much everything that's ever happened to Dylan, there's been some really rough stuff that I don't think the program is well-equipped to deal with. From Andi seizing Ron's departure as an opportunity to talk about how lucky she is to have people "giving up their lives" to her failure to ask a follow-up when Dylan mentioned his brother's funeral (and seriously, Andi, this is review from last week, but "crazy" is "stop it" part II. Dylan having spent high school with his now lovingly maintained hockey hair in an Andi-style ombre'd mullet would be "crazy." The tragic death of both his siblings is not) to the disappointing and somewhat disgusting tribute to Eric that focused mainly on how Andi feels knowing that she won't get to see him at the Men Tell All, this show just isn't built for real life that's quite so real. I know the show often feels an artificual pressure to escalate the drama from one year to the next (and, while I highly doubt Chris Harrison has recently taken up paraglider tampering, it does occasionally feel like bringing on a contestant-assassin to pick off his competitors one by one is the programs inevitable end), but I sincerely hope they recognize that acceleration needs to be in a weirder not sadder direction unless they want to leave us all behind. 

Week 2, The Scores

More brain dumpage ahead! But this time, I've tagged it as important, so you'll know that I'm a liar!

	Andrew – 5 +5 for a rose
	Bradley – 15 Important Info: I don't know what it is about Bradley that makes me want to wipe his smug aria-singing grin off his smug opera-loving face (probably the same mechanism that leads me to write sentences that are such utter nonsense), but I don't like him! See, I told you it was going to be important! +5 for a rose +10 for plugging his career
	Brett – 10 Important Info: I seriously love Brett. The lamp in week one fed naturally into this week's sock puppet romp. I hope we someday get to hear him talk. +5 for a Rose Bonus: +5 for playing with sock puppets. Because seriously sock puppets! (Or more accurately, talentless, aspirationless socks transformed into stars!).
	Brian – 15 Important Info: I've already gone over my whole teacher-nudity schpiel (and for those of you who want more, my white paper on the subject will be out by the end of the month), but while I'm not exactly bothered by his promise of going to church, they better show some serious conversations about religion this year. There's just no way that's not kind of a big deal. +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for taking the most predictable route to Andi's heart - nudity
	Carl – 0 Eliminated Important Info: No points for Carl on his way out the door, but all I can say is, on a season of limited eye candy, I would not have sent Carl packing looking like that in those glasses.
	Chris – 70 Important Info: I'm liking Chris and not just because midway through that date he was every bit as shiny as I'd be if I had to appear on National TV or make important decisions about who was going to Win, Place, and Show (or if I was forced to walk outside for 5 minutes...or if I ate some soup...I come from sweaty stock!). I doubt that he's going to go the distance though as Andi seemed to be contorting herself into a veritable back bend to cope with his rather aggressive kisses +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for being told he was perfect for his date +10 for being treated to a concert by a band I've never heard of +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +20 for a date rose
	Cody – 5 Important Info: There was a heated debate in the Robertson Division about whether Cody looked more like Mr. Incredible (of Pixar fame) or Sean Lowe. I personally think he's the spitting image of Brace. For those of you who somehow aren't Gigolos devotees: yes, that man is an aging male prostitute who's living out his very own version of Pretty Woman wherein Richard Gere = Reality TV.    +5 for a rose
	Craig – 50 Eliminated Important Info: At least he went down in a blaze of glory! To be hoenst, for me, the whole Craig thing was the most boring part of the episode. It just wasn't believable that getting massively drunk and stealing screen time wasn't exactly what he wanted. I will say that Andi, by virtue of not leaving him sobbing in a bathroom, is yet another leg up on her predecessor. +25 for extreme intoxication +5 for unintentional nudity Bonus: +10 for stuffing his g-string +10 for what certainly couldn't be considered a plug for his singing career, but was kind of adorable regardless
	Dylan – 25 Important Info: Boston Townie and greasy hockey hair is basically a summary of 75% of my dating history, so obviously Dylan is doing it for me. Chris Harrison tried to hide it, but Dylan's doing it for him as well.  +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for giving Chris Harrison a lap dance +5 for earning a very special Chris Harrison spank
	Eric – 40 Important Info: Sigh. Their level of conversation was certainly a step up from that which we're usually treated to on The Bachelorette. +10 for having Andi comment on his attractiveness +10 for being called the perfect person for that particular date +20 for a date rose
	J.J. – 15 +10 for being pissed about not getting a one-on-one date +5 for a rose
	Josh – 35 Important Info: Well, thank god the show broke through some important barriers this week! I'm sure athletes around the world rejoiced to find that someone is finally tackling the hot button issue of sports figure stereotyping! While Josh's dithering and blushing really was rather charming, if I were Andi, I'd be making a black mark next to anyone who seemed so familiar and so comfortable with the ins and outs of lap dancing. +10 kissing in a group date setting +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for giving Andi a lap dance +10 for complaining about the plight of the talented and muscular man!
	Marcus – 30 Important Info: Is it me or is Marcus way hairier than the standard Bachelorette contestant? That's gotta be his European side because, if memory serves, those Texas boys really know how to wax! Secondly, the following leads me to believe that Marcus really might be perfect for Andi: "Nervous, anxious - all these different emotions are going through my head." Either someone needs to get that boy a set emotions refrigerator magnets or he's been borrowing Andi's dictionary to define the word "all." +10 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +20 for a date rose
	Marquel – 5 Important Info: I'm also kinda feeling Marquel. He's got some grade A cocky flirting game and his ability to mix patterns is the makings of the choreographed dream sequence in the musical biopic: Tim Gunn: I Just Gotta be Me! +5 for a rose
	Nick S. - 5 Eliminated Important Info: Jason on Nick S.'s post-exit robot interview; "If this were the whole show, I'd watch it." +5 for unintentional nudity
	Nick V. – 10 Important Info: I don't get it, but I am hopeful that Nick V. has the slightly doughy, incredibly pasty body his face suggests because that would bring some real diversity to this season. His conversation with Andi this week left me wondering if the reason this show keeps failing to produce everlasting love is because they recruit people looking for a magical, mystical "connection" rather than someone who actually knows what they want.  +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for planning a mini-date complete with date card...I guess...through my cringing...
	Patrick – 5 Important Info: What do we think Andrew would say about Patrick's regrettable barbed wire tattoo? does he lose his claim to being a cut above the rest? +5 for a rose
	Ron – 5 Important Info: I have to say, I missed how attractive Ron was until this week, but the show's blatant tokenism probably means he'll play perpetual second fiddle to Marquel.  +5 for a rose

Tasos – 15 Important Info: Tasos this week: "The card said 'bare your soul' like 'bare naked....'" Also like the correct grammatical usage of the word "bare." You know, just FYI. +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for demonstrating that a lack of understanding of homophones isn't holding him back from a perfect understanding of Bachelor producers love of a good pun.

Week 2, The Girl

So, I have to confess, I've been feeling just a little bit of Bachelorette block. Perhaps it's because, as he is currently doing to Nikki, Juan Pablo zapped me of my will to live (woah, sorry guys. Apparently Bachelorette block comes with a side of dark), or perhaps it's because you can really on write so many posts the punchline of which is Chris Harrison wearing a Carmen Miranda hat. But whatever the reason, this week, I'm going to write up something of a brain dump capturing all of my notes. I thought about just scanning my notes and posting the image here,  but if I don't know what "baby boat shoes - but first you have to muddle the mint" means, I can't imagine others will have considerably more luck piecing them together. So here we go. First:

A picture of your devoted
commissioner

Assorted Musings on Andi:
- How did Andi make it through last season without going in a helicopter? She must have forgotten to list "crippling fear of heights and hourly radio traffic reports" on her interview sheet.
- I like that Andi cussed a lot through the whole snowboarding date. I'm not sure it quite qualifies her as a "different kind of Bachelorette," but what's more relatable than a few effenheimers (What's that you say? It's not using the word effenheimer like an octogenarian at his granddaughter's spoken word recital? Okay. Noted.)
- Andi loves her some hyperbole. Saying a guy is good at everything and then proceeding to define everything as "snowboarding" doesn't really make for a super impressive n.
- A few of you have already mentioned that Andi's y'all is getting on your nerves. I'm not so fussed about that, but the phrase "Stop It" really might be the end of me. It's not even the frequency that really gets to me, but the wholly improper usage that's really sticking in my craw (apparently this blog post has been brought to you by Fixodine denture cream. Deal with it!). Just for future reference under the incredibly unlikely circumstances that Andi a) reads this blog and b) actually quit her job after bumping her head on a bathroom sink and inventing the flux capacitor (which, by the way, wouldn't you watch the hell out of a made-for-TV movie that followed a Bachelorette who could time travel as she went back time after time to see if things worked out differently if she picked another gentleman suitor? The lead could be played by Hillary Duff. Her romantic prospects some unholy amalgamation of Eddie Cibrian, Mario Lopez, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Tia and/or Tiara Mowry would be required to play the sassy friend/fairy godmother if the plot called for one).

  Acceptable Usage:
     Stevie J.: I used to be in a boy band. They made me dance in the back after several 12-year-old girls reported having nightmares about my facial hair.
     Andi: Stop It!

  Unacceptable Usage:
     Eric: I was in Syria at great peril to my life.
     Andi: Stop It!

- Andi also threw down some serious hypocrisy this week, making the men strip after last season's justified, but sadly aborted, nudity fit. Especially since "Bachelor Gives Back" does not qualify as a good cause. It's only a g-string of legitimacy away from a Ponzi Scheme.
- AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS MAKE THE TEACHERS GET NAKED? AND WHY DID BRIAN BEING COOL WITH IT RAISE HIM IN ANDI'S ESTEEM? I seriously need a third level of caps lock to appropriately express my angry angryness (also, apparently, a thesaurus)
- And finally, directly from my notes, penned as eloquently as could ever be written even with the gentle revisions of the tidal passage of time:

WOAH. BOOBS!

Week 1, The Draft: Prospect Report, Limo 5

Because I aim to be nothing but helpful (it's true. Everywhere I go, people follow me and say. "See that girl? Boy is she helpful!"....at least that's what I've always assumed the word "mean" means), I'm going to start this round of the league by handicapping the prospects for this weekend's draft using a complicated statistic that I've developed based equally on my mathematical acumen (I test at roughly a 7th grade level) and my pension for complete BS.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the men based on their performance in episode 1. I'll confess to actually watching the bios ABC helpfully posted on the website just because the first episode gave us so little to go on. I will also confess being ashamed about watching the bios - extra content is where I try to draw the line! For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(E+B) - L, see my earlier post.

Brian - SP: 4

Attraction (a): 4?
When archaeologists uncover the wreckage of my house 100s of years from now and dig up by miraculously non-biodegraded Bachelor notebooks (because Paper source makes a quality product), the only thing they shall learn about Brian is that he was "from Pennsylvania." Seriously, even looking at this guy's picture, I got nothin'.

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 1

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0

Background (B): 1

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 1


Andrew - SP: 145

Attraction (a): 5

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 5

This guy is obviously terrible, and the only question that now remains is if Cody's particular brand of steroid-fueled rage will overshadow his more refined brand of douchebaggery in the early goings of this year's season. From his not-so-veiled implication that Patrick and he were a cut above the rest to pretty much the entirety of his bio video, Andrew's face is pretty clearly just begging to be punched. 

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 3
Seriously, if I were Andi, I would have sent this guy home on night one. The Andrew and Andi thing that he so willingly pointed out absolutely should be a dealbreaker.

Background (B): 3
Now, I'm not Freudian, but I am a big believer in the important kind of messaging transmitted into the world by phallic automotives clearly meant to compensate for something. And Formula 1 vehicles are clearly the king of the penis cars.

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5


Mike - SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 0
Sigh. I hate when the Bachelor/ette sends home contestants about whom I still have so many questions. The role of Camps, as played by Alex Winter (aka Bill S. Preston) left me with so many questions about his character. Why does he need an engineering degree to bartend? And why does bartending mean that he gets to take the summers off? And does his 9-month a year bartending gig really keep him in all the crop tops that he really needs? And now we shall never know. 

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 4
I thought this was actually pretty cute, though apparently had it actually been real life, she would have taken that number he presented to her and tossed it in a half-drunk glass of scotch along with a pointedly discarded cigarette butt. 

Background (B): 0
Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 0

Eric 
I can't, in good conscience, write a single thing about Eric except to say that he seemed really nice and interesting and it's all very, very sad.

I know it's sports, but it seems
like a waste of a killer "Blue
Steel" face if they weren't going
to let him shower.

Josh M.- SP: 495

Attraction (a): 10

Featured Scene Percentage (P): 10
I think...due to aforementioned J.J. confusion

Awkwardness of Entrance (E): 0

Background (B): 5
Josh is another Bachelorette archetype: the former athlete whose heart of gold (read: lack of talents and women throwing their panties at him) led him to give it all up and look toward starting a family. 

Likelihood of Having a Girlfriend Back Home (L): 5
Andi seems to have her suspicions about Josh, but part o me really thinks that going out on the road and discovering that most women don't want to sleep with a 17-year old is actually, in many ways, more grounding that going to college and discovering that hundreds do!