Week 2, Bachelor Police Blotter

Who's the luckiest dude with two thumbs? Setting aside for a moment the fact that that's really not they way that joke goes (because as the listeners, we are now of course all left wondering who's the luckiest guy with three thumbs? And do we think he's even luckier with his whole extra thumb? Those things are useful!), after the first week of this traveling freak show, I'm not entirely sure it's Chris. I don't know what he told the producers he was looking for ("Doesn't really matter if they're blonde or brunette...I'm just looking for this intangible quality that I'll know when I see. It sort of looks like fall down drunkenness...Does that help?"), but he does seem to be spending a disproportionate amount of time being a good sport rather than having a  good time. Maybe there's a tipping point for craziness and once you get above 18 or 19 women, modesty and rational decision-making just can't be controlled (The antiquated brothel laws in places like Boston that bar more than X-number of women from living together don't seem so Draconian now, do they?); maybe they're being driven wild by the lady catnip that is mild-mannered and utterly normal Chris; hell, maybe it's all of the sitting in bikinis that they've been forced to do so far, but whatever it is, this week's episode seems more deserving of a police blotter than a recap. So that is exactly what you'll get!

10:30 am - 459: Breaking and Entering: So, sure. I suppose you could make the argument that what Jillian and Megan did was less of a crime and more of a very prompt RSVP to the verbally monogrammed invitation with which Chris Harrison kicked off the show - seriously the "Chris lives right down there" and the "there are no rules" just seemed like a recipe for making sure someone waks up to a severed horse head or, at least at a minimum, a non-severed naked lady in his bed - but regardless, it seemed like a pretty major privacy violation. I can picture the manhunt now: "In pursuit of two Caucasian female suspects: one blonde and about 5'2" and the other dark-haired and wearing some sort of blurry black box across he rear."

11:15 am (and, it would seem, all the other times) - 390: Drunk and Disorderly: So, on the one hand, I sort of get Jordan because, for me, alcohol also functions like a slurry truth juice. On the other hand...how does one even go about discovering the precise level of drunk one needs to be to be uninhibited enough to twerk up against a wall like that but not so over-to-top blotto that you wind up concussed on the way down.

6:45 pm - 11-57: Suspicious Person: You really could almost see Chris fighting against his better judgement (in my imagination, said better judgement takes the form of Sam the Eagle from the muppets. Tell me you wouldn't listen to that than the voice of the squeaky soprano of that annoying, judgmental cricket...) when it came to Mackenzie this week. Would America see and understand that he was sending her home because of her rambling monologues about aliens and his (perfectly normal-sized) nose, or would they think he was heartlessly leaving her rose-less because she admitted to having a kid?

 All I can say is Mackenzie is 21...and she is really 21. From her constant giggling to her completely unfocused conversation to even the immature way she introduced the fact that she has a son ("Do you want to know why I haven't dated in a year? Check yes, no, or maybe.") it's pretty clear that she's way too young for Chris. And after her completely over-the-top, unfounded-in-any-kind-of-fact virgin rant (which, seriously. Does Mackenzie only know men from Indonesia and Afghanistan...or time travelers from the book of Deuteronomy? Where is this generalization coming from?), I feel like I can say with some confidence to Chris that we would have understood if he had sent her home.

8:30 pm - 148.5: Filing a False Police Report: First of all, let me just say, that it makes me incredibly happy that this one is a 0.5. The California Penal Code is just like me, you guys! More importantly, though, the ziplines, the creepy, bat-laden caves, the bungee cords swinging precariously in the breeze against whatever hotel the gang has been staying in have all been leading up to this: the day the Bachelor producers finally caused mass hysteria on one of there, er, romantic group dates. It's not actually as misguided as it sounds. After all, there's popular psych research that suggests that the adrenaline caused by exercise or fear can simulate the effects people feel from attraction. But one does have to wonder if a screaming and now inexplicably slightly randy limo full of girls really makes Chris feel the same way. As dumb as this sequence was - because really, wouldn't it be made slightly less terrifying by the presence of the ostensibly calm driver and production team? - it was also almost all worth it just to see Ashley S. ignore the mayhem around her and just placidly try to open the door.

8:43 pm - 245: Assault with a Deadly Weapon: I just want to take a moment to recognize the brave zombies who gave their lives in service of this episode. And also just to apologize them for what seriously has to be one of the worst jobs in the world. I don't care how many free brains they get to eat. Those paintball guns hurt!


10:04 pm - 11357: Possession of a Controlled Substance: I'm actually pretty seriously uncomfortable with what went down with Ashley S. both this week and last. She either has a diagnosed mental illness or, more likely, an equally unfunny drug problem. Either way the Bachelor psychologist should almost certainly lose her license (and by license, I clearly mean "piece of paper you get to certify your completion of Fancy's Florence's Flower Arranging you Feelings Course at the West Hollywood Rec Center" because I have a hard time believing this mental health guru completed any more training that that. Also, I would guess she skipped the "Edelweiss is for Ethics" night with good ole Mrs. F.) for allowing poor Ashley S. to appear on this show.

12:10 am - 242: Battery: So, maybe it's just me, but it seems like there's something a bit off about the kissing this year. Outside of Britt, for whom it seems natural and Kaitlyn, for whose throat Chris just badly seemed to want to ram his tongue down, it seems like a lot of the girls are rushing inorganically into lip-locking scenarios that feel forced and awkward and not exactly like the kind of moment you'd hurry to share with your girlfriends (which is a whole 'nother thing. Why are they doing so much sharing this year? Why!?!). But the worst by far was Ashley I. (who I feel I must henceforth call Kardashley after her claim this week). No matter how it had gone down, it would have been somewhat hard to swallow against the whole difficult-to-believe, never-had-a-boyfriend virgin thing. And the whole wishing on her belly button ring ordeal was certainly not great (especially since it made me super preoccupied with how she and Chris needed to immediately find some rubbing alcohol or Purell - those things get infected so easily!). But this all might have been overlooked has Kardashley not committed full-on facial battery when it came to the actual kiss. I googled the difference between assault ad battery for the purposes of writing this post (because people on the metro don't find me weird enough already), and the charges against her are clear. Kardashley went way beyond intention and did some serious damage with that kiss.